A/N: So, I know I haven't finished Leading the Way yet but I really wanted to do something different, and believe me when I say this is different. This starts in Theatricality and kind of goes non-canon after that. I haven't quite decided what events are going to remain yet; I'll just see what fits in as I go, I guess. The first section is adapted from the actual episode (I own nothing but the keyboard I typed them out on) but the rest is mine. So apologies in advance for typos, grammar and all that jazz. The title comes from a song of the same name, which was featured in TV show Britannia High. It's a pretty little song and I think it kind of suits the story. Lastly, I know this is all a little, well, out there but I really wanted to challenge myself and making this type of plot believable will certainly be that. But either way, let me know what you think and I hope you enjoy!
-StB-
"Honey, you've got to stop sneaking into these rehearsals."
"It's kind of important."
And she's not kidding. When Rachel Berry unbuttons her coat and the small swelling of new maternity is just visible under her t-shirt, Shelby's shocked to say the least. "Oh, dear God."
"My dads can't know." Her eyes look wearied and her voice almost cracks. "I really need a mum right now."
Suddenly, Shelby's faced with being both a grandmother and a mother after having been neither for the past sixteen years. Rachel stands, looking younger than ever, hands limply hanging at her sides.
"Jesse's?" Shelby needs to know, because that would take this way past complicated. Rachel merely shrugs, tears fighting to spill down her fresh-looking face. "Sweetie, you can tell me if it's Jesse's."
She doesn't quite know where this maternal instinct's come from but she's more than thankful for it. She tries to imagine who else Rachel – her daughter – would turn to, and when she draws a blank, she's oddly touched Rachel came to her first.
"If it's not Jesse's, then whose is it? Someone from your school?" Rachel simply shakes her head and clutches her face with her fingers. Shelby moves towards her and takes both of Rachel's hands in her own. "Rachel, I need to know whose baby this is."
"I wouldn't h-have gone with the boys at my school," Rachel shakes her head in despair – she can't understand how she's got here.
"So we can assume it's Jesse's." Shelby sighs and mops her forehead with the back of her hand. This complicates things a little bit to say the least. "Look, I know it's kind of embarrassing, talking about this with your mom, who's only just come into your life but-"
"It's not that," Rachel's weary and teary and everything in between. "I don't even remember losing my.." She trails off because it's painful to remember, or not remember in her case. Because it's true, she doesn't even know when they could possibly have done it but they must have, because there's no way it could be anyone's at Glee. Or so she hopes.
"Okay," Shelby pulls her broken daughter in for a tight embrace, whispering words she thought she'd never say, to a young girl she thought she'd never get to say them to. "I'll sort this, don't you worry. But in the morning. I want you to text your dads and tell them you're staying at a friend's house tonight. It'll only complicate things to tell them you're staying with me."
Rachel obliges quietly, save the odd sob, and lets Shelby direct her to the car. The journey is silent as Rachel keeps her hands as far away from her stomach as she can - the less she touches it, the less she thinks about it. When they get to Shelby's flat, it's a lot smaller than Rachel had imagined and she's surprised to see only one bed. Shelby tells her she'll take the sofa but as they both lay on the bed talking, before long they drop off beside each other and come morning, they're both glad of the support.
Rachel's no longer crying and Shelby's more assertive, setting out a outfit for Rachel and making them both breakfast. It's so domesticated and so unlike Shelby but in a way, she kind of feels like she's missed out on all this and that's why she's determined to make up for it now.
"Are you going to be alright to go to school, Rachel?" The concern is evident and Rachel nods, her lips pressed together tightly as she feigns a smile. "Do you want to come back here afterwards?"
Rachel contemplates the offer and decides that yes, she would want to indeed. Facing her dads requires a type of strength that she doesn't feel she has yet and in some ways, Rachel hopes it'll help to be with someone who's been through exactly what she's going through now. Shelby smiles as Rachel agrees and drives her to school, dropping her off just outside to lessen the risk of unwanted passersby probing into their lives.
"I'll see you tonight, okay?" Shelby waits for Rachel to nod before driving to go and meet the boy she needs answers from. Rachel might not be willing to talk to him, but as her mother and his coach, she wants more than explanations from Jesse St James.
-StB-
"Rachel, that outfit is past vintage. Where, exactly, did you get it from?" Kurt's eyes glimmer as he skims her up and down and Rachel exhales softly, hoping the baby bump cannot be seen.
"In an old box in a cupboard." It's not entirely untrue. "My dads had a bit of a late night and put the colours in with the whites. Most of my clothes are ruined but we managed to salvage these from the back of my wardrobe."
The rest is such a lie but Kurt's too busy pursing his lips and planning ways to maximise such an outfit. She dares a smile as it becomes clear the baby bump shall remain non-existent, at least to the rest of New Directions. And with that, her entire persona undergoes a make over and she's basically back to being Rachel Berry and the baby is nothing more than a memory, a dream. Because if they don't know, she can then pretend it's not happening either and that suits her just fine.
She gets a text from Shelby to say she's going to be a little late and that she'll pick her up from school. So Rachel preoccupies herself at the piano, playing soft scales to herself and singing a song that sounds oddly like a lullaby. She decides, subsequently, that the piano is not on her side – along with everyone else – but she finds her hands instinctively resting on her stomach for the first time today. Gingerly lifting her shirt, she stands in front of a glass reflection and she feels slightly nauseous when she thinks that she's got a whole new life growing inside of her.
And her nausea rises when someone stumbles into the room, and then grows further when that someone isn't Shelby.
"Dude, are you like pregnant?" Puck's voice the one she least expects to hear and when she does hear his words, the wind is well and truly blown from within her. So much for keeping it a secret. He rubs the back of his head and tries to clear his throat. "Do you want me to go?"
"No," she breathes quietly; she knows she's never alone now she's got the baby to deal with, but having someone else there always makes her feel that little bit better.
"No, you're not pregnant? Or like, no you don't want me to go?"
"You can stay," she manages a smile, one which he returns. She's not going to confirm or deny the pregnancy, not yet, but she covers up her bump and smoothes down the fabric. They sit and talk about nonsense for a while and eventually Shelby's car pulls up outside. When she tells him her ride's here, he hugs her which surprises them both and then finds his phone under the chairs at the back. That's the only reason he came but now, he's kind of glad he did.
When Rachel gets in the car, Shelby looks apprehensive. "I spoke to Jesse today."
-StB-
"Jesse? A word, please." Jesse struts over and for once, Shelby's not impressed with his arrogance. "I want to know what's been going between you and my daughter."
"Well you would know, it was you who sent me after her." He's smug and belittling and she almost thinks he doesn't deserve to know what she has to tell him.
"Jesse, you have taken things too far, do you hear me? Too far." Her face is stony and he's finally silenced.
"Look, I'm coming back to VA, just like you wanted. And it is," she watches him choose his words carefully, "Regrettable that we'll have to split because honestly, I really liked her."
"Yeah, I can tell." Shelby laughs dryly and Jesse begins to look a little sheepish. "Liked her enough to get her pregnant, right?"
Jesse's show face finally slips and when he searches Shelby's eyes and gets nothing in reply, he has enough intuition to realise there's at least some truth in what she's saying.
"She's pregnant, Jesse, and do you know the worst thing? She doesn't even remember." Shelby finds herself just a little bit chocked up, but she presses her fingers to her lips and regains her composure. She's nothing if not professional. "What did you do to her?"
"I didn't rape her, if that's what you're getting at." His face is pale and his hands a little sweaty; this is not going to look food whatever way he tells it.
"No? Well thank goodness for that Jesse. That makes everything just perfect." She doesn't quite know why she's taking everything out on this teenage boy in front of her, but right now he's the only one she can blame (because she'll be damned if she blames her own daughter.)
"She didn't say no!" He's angry and upset and a little bit emotional, eyes blazing and arms rigid and static.
"But did she say yes?" Shelby presses him because she desperately needs to know, and it's clear the situation is getting to the both of them.
"I-"
"Jesse. Just tell me the truth."
"Look, I was a little drunk, she was a little high, things just happened."
"You let my daughter get high? Jesse, she was the perfect kid before you got a hold on her. How did you let her get high?"
"We were just at some party, there were drugs in the food, she must have eaten some without knowing. And then we went back to mine, it was empty and we-"
He tries to recall exactly what happened that night but the most part remains a blur.
-StB-
"Rachel, come on! Listen, we'll be here an hour. 2 hours tops, I promise." His grin can always convince her to do anything and he knows it's bad that he has this much power over someone so easily influenced, but he can't seem to release it.
"And then we'll go home?"
"Yes," Jesse laughs, placing a kiss on her lips with his hands on her cheeks. "Then we'll go home."
It wouldn't have been so bad has Jesse not left her by herself as he mingled with his men (and women, but Rachel pretends she doesn't see them.) So out of pure boredom Rachel ventures into the kitchen and pours herself a drink. She tells herself one won't harm – it's Friday night, she has two full days to recover before Glee Club on Monday and besides, it's not like Finn and Puck haven't drunk before and their voices are fine. It's a weak argument and she knows it, but she's already looking like an outcast and as much as she wants to save her own voice, she finds herself wanting to impress Jesse more. And that's when she should have realised that everything was wrong – she was putting this boy before herself in ways she never would have before. But now, what he thought and what others thought of him was taking priority in her life and not even the upcoming regionals could deter her.
Sighing, she takes a cookie off the side and wards off leering stares from numerous seniors who literally make her skin crawl. She can't quite put her finger on it, but something in what she's just eaten is making her feel different but she blames it on the alcohol she's consumed and decides a glass of water (and one more cookie) is the best solution. That is until Jesse finds her and sees her struggling to walk in a straight line, and suddenly he becomes a whole different person, sweeping a possessive arm around her waist and ushering her out the house. He knows what those boys are like (he's been one) and he's not having their lecherous stares degrade his girl. So he hails a cab and takes them back to his place, and it's an innocent enough move because he can hardly send her back to her dads in this state. He fumbles for her phone as she rubs her eyes and types out a message to her dads, deciding to opt for half the truth.
To Rachel's dads, it's Jesse here and I just wanted to let you know that Rachel will be spending the night in our guest room. The show I took her to see went on later than anticipated and she's fallen asleep in the taxi. My house is closer and my parents have said it's fine. She will call you in the morning.
He's impressed he's warbled off such a message given the amount he's consumed and even more surprised when he manages to carry Rachel up to his room, sustaining neither of them with any long-lasting injuries. He lays her on the bed where she lifts her top over her head and throws it to the floor. She's sweating a great deal and as he feels her head, he realises she's far too hot to be comfortable. So he fetches them both a glass of water, opens his window and lights a few candles. And then it dawns on him; he has Rachel Berry in her bra lying on his bed. And as she lies looking up at him, her eyes wide and a little bit tipsy, he realises something he never wanted to know. He thinks he's in love with her.
So he lies down beside her and she rolls on her side to face him, letting him kiss her gently and letting his hand roam a little too high under her skirt. But she has no energy to stop him and no desire to either, so when she realises he's dressed down to his underwear and that she somehow has too, she feels giddy with excitement and trepidation and something in between.
And as he climbs on top of her body and kisses the side of her neck, he whispers something into her ear that he'll never tell her when she's sober, mainly because he's scared she won't say it back. And Jesse can't be seen to be losing his show face over some girl (even if, right now, she's the most important girl in his world.)
"I love you," he tells her quietly and she lets out a soft giggle, the wind providing a gentle breeze which blows out the candles just as he removes the final barrier between them. They move as one in the stillness of the night and those three words float around the room on a cloud of ecstasy that embodies them both.
When she awakes the next morning, she can't remember a thing but Jesse? He's been replaying it in his head over and over and when he kisses her good morning, he finds an odd tingle in his stomach replacing the usual feeling of nausea he gets after a night out. He doesn't ask her if she remembers, but the way she kisses him good morning tells him she does. But he's wrong, she doesn't.
-StB-
"Okay, okay." Shelby quietens him with her hands – she doesn't want to know the details of how her daughter got pregnant, it's already bad enough that she is. "God, haven't you heard of protection?"
"Shelby, I don't really feel comfortable talking about this with you." Jesse – for the first time in his life – looks incredibly awkward. And it's possibly the only look he can't pull of well.
"Oh, would you prefer to talk it through with her dads?" Horror strikes his face and Shelby smarts a face of mixed smugness and authority. "No, I thought not. Look Jesse, do me a favour? Don't tell her I've told you, not yet. And give her a bit of space; she's got to get her head around this."
"Yeah, well so have I." He storms out; slinging his bag on his back as he goes and Shelby is left alone, wondering how on earth she's going to sort this mess out.
-StB-
"Oh." Rachel doesn't quite know what else to say in response.
"I know that is was your place to tell him but I just-" Shelby presses her thumbs and forefingers to her forehead and closes her eyes. "I needed to get some answers out of him."
Rachel nods her head: she'd like some answers too, but more than anything, she just wants to sleep so she remains silent and lets Shelby drive them home. Shelby brings Rachel a hot drink in bed and watches her fall asleep, wishing she hadn't missed out on so much and wondering whether she can make up for it now. Rachel's come to her but Shelby's not sure she can meet her expectations. And she'll never admit it, but she's just as scared as Rachel is.
-StB-
"Morning," Shelby smiles as Rachel takes a seat at the table, hands firmly attached to the table and as far away from the baby as possible. Rachel still can't quite believe she's walking into her mother's kitchen and sitting opposite her as if they've been in each other's lives forever. But then again, she's pregnant with Jesse's baby – it seems her life is more than just make-believe, it's a total fantasy. Rachel doesn't reply, but offers Shelby a genuine smile – the first she's shown in days, so they're both aware progress has been made. "Honey, you know you can't stay here forever, right?"
"You mean I have to tell my dads soon." That's exactly what Shelby means. In truth, she wouldn't mind Rachel staying but there are rules and responsibilities and all the things she doesn't want to think about, but has to, for everyone's sakes.
"They're going to wonder what's going on, Rachel. We can't keep them in the dark for much longer; it's going to become obvious sooner or later." Later, much later, Rachel hopes. Up until now, they're being led to believe she's staying with Quinn for the week, to help her prepare for her upcoming pregnancy. It's a mixture of truth and lies and with the added input of daily phone conversations, her dads are none the wiser to the reality of the situation.
"I know." And she does know, she just doesn't want to accept it. Not yet. Shelby checks the clock and makes a dash.
"I'll see you tonight – we'll talk about this later." Another broken promise, Rachel decides. It seems her life is full of them.
-StB-
"Jesse, I want you to sit out for this."
"Shelby, I'm fine." Addressing her as Shelby is far from fine. And Jesse knows it.
"Jesse, I'm the boss here. You're slacking, you're off-key, and you're sweating far too much this early on in rehearsal: this is for your own good. Now sit out."
He hasn't got the energy to argue – after less than two hours sleep and after more than 40 written out and then deleted text messages, Jesse's show face is slowing by the minute. Scowling, he leaves the stage and ascends the stairs to sit a few rows behind Shelby.
"And yes, Jesse, I can see the faces you're pulling behind my head."
"Good." He's being purposefully childish and difficult, but he wants to make someone else suffer the guilt and the pain he's suffering now.
"Right, since Jesse's decided to go back to kindergarten, the rest of you are excused – until tomorrow morning, where we'll be having pre-school rehearsals." She ignores the groans emerging from the stage and merely raises an eyebrow – they're clever enough not to mess with Shelby at the best of times and this is definitely not one of them.
Jesse bites of a bit of plastic with so much anger Shelby hesitates to talk to him but her prowess wins over and his eyes flicker up to meet hers – he wants to hear what she has to say.
"How's Rachel?"
"Hurting," Shelby replies simply but she can tell from his face that Jesse's not coping too well either. "But she's coping. You?"
Jesse scoffs and looks away – it's too hard to explain how he's feeling and talking about it won't make a difference anyway.
"Jesse, you have got to grow up and I'm sorry, but growing up means you've got to actually converse with other people. Namely me, the grandmother of your child." Shelby takes a moment to register the full impact of those words. "I'm so getting fired after we win regionals."
"So we're still going?"
"What, even though you were crap today and my daughter's pregnant? Yeah, we're still going." Shelby's a lot of a things but a failure she is not, and she's determined her kids – her Vocal Adrenaline kids – aren't going to be either. She's hiding a smirk but her eyes are still playful and Jesse manages a smile – that's one from each of them now.
"Do you think she'll still go?" It hurts him to even say her name, but the way he's just spoke sounds so impersonal it pains him even more. Shelby shrugs and it's obvious the thought's crossed her own mind more than once.
"I don't know. I mean, it's up to her but-"
"You don't think she should do it?"
"No, I think she should do whatever feels best for her." Jesse doesn't know when Shelby became so responsible but it certainly suits her. "And whatever she chooses, I'll respect that decision."
And the way she looks at Jesse tells him exactly what she's suggesting: I think you should too. And then she leaves him because she wants to be early to pick up Rachel - she needs to finish their conversation from earlier, even if Rachel's tactically good at avoiding it.
And also very talented at avoiding her, Shelby discovers, when she arrives to find Rachel hasn't been at school all day. Her first instinct is to panic, which she does surprisingly well. She rings Rachel's phone with no such luck (Rachel's left it the flat) and, after bypassing her fathers, rings Jesse as her next port of call.
"No offence, Ms Corcoran, but-" He's had his fair share of grief already today and he's not sure how much more he can take.
"Have you seen Rachel?" The distress in her voice leads him to his feet before he can reply.
"No, I haven't. Why? Is she okay?"
"You are telling me truth, aren't you St James? Because this is not the time for your little games. If she's with you, just tell me."
"Shelby, she's not with me." Shelby's heart sinks – she now has no idea where Rachel is.
"Oh God," Shelby's voice almost (just almost) cracks down the strained phone line and although she's felt loss before, nothing compares to what she's feeling now. It tears at her heart and her blood and her veins and she can't even think straight any more. "She could be anywhere."
"Look, I know a few places where she might be. I'll check them out and ring you if I find her." He'd like to think he knows where she might be, but it saddens him that he doesn't know her well enough to know where she'd go. And it saddens him even further that she doesn't feel she can come to him. But then again, if Jesse was Rachel, he probably wouldn't come him either. But he takes off into the rain, hood pulled up over his head and hands thrust deep into his pockets. He (arrogantly) searches all of their favourite places and previous dates and of course finds no sign of Rachel. Given her situation, Jesse can understand her desire to be as far away from all of them as possible.
An hour – maybe two – and seven phone calls later, he's still no closer to finding Rachel and it seems neither is Shelby. He contemplates giving up, but this has bypassed whatever feelings he may be experiencing – Rachel's been missing an entire day and one way or another, she needs to be found. But maybe not by him, he decides, after another gruelling hour of trudging through the rain and another phone call from Shelby informing him the police are now involved. He's being made to feel unnecessary yet again, so Jesse begrudgingly makes his way back home but just as he begins the long walk back, a tiny figure cramped under a nearby climbing frame catches his eye. His hood flies back off his head and drops of rain fall from his eyes as he runs to where the figure is curled up on the floor, their knees crushed to their chest and head facing the floor.
"Rachel? Is that you?" He shouts across the road, no longer caring about the puddles under the soles of his feet or the way his hair sticks to his head. She hears her name and looks up, only to find Jesse already crouching beside her and pulling her out from under the wooden rods and into his arms. And it is only now, with the rain cascading down her face, that Rachel allows herself to cry because apart from the sobs giving her away, the rain masks any evidence of her crying. He knows he should ring Shelby and let her know Rachel's safe but the way she clings to him makes him so very reluctant to let her go. In this moment alone, he realises he never wants to let her go. Her face is pressed against his shoulder and he unzips his jacket and wraps either side around her body. Her make up has run, her hair is wet through and her skin is so cold it's almost painful to touch, but he still holds her close and rubs her back, feeling oddly faint when her realises their baby is somewhere in between them. It's barely noticeable but as he pulls her in closer, he's more than aware that her stomach – her baby filled stomach – is being pressed against his. He holds her so tight he's a little worried he's going to squeeze the life out her but she doesn't seem to be resisting so continues to do so, closing his eyes and letting the rain wash away his sins. Their peace is soon interrupted with sirens and car tyres as four pull up around the park and seven figures come running towards them. Jesse can tell one of them is Shelby from the way her heels hit the floor at such a rapid pace. Jesse reluctantly opens his eyes and attempts to let Rachel go but he feels two little hands grab on to his t shirt and he instinctively wraps his arms around her again, shaking his head at Shelby and the officers accompanying her. Shelby bites her lip but nods and informs the officers that Rachel's been found and that she's fine and that they can handle things from here. She feels a little bit sidelined and she can't lie and say it doesn't sting, but Rachel is safe and that should be all that matters.
As the three of them are left in a soothing silence, Jesse reluctantly releases Rachel and pushes her into Shelby's arms, running off into the distance before either female can protest. He runs so fast he doesn't even hear Rachel croak his name but Shelby hears and pulls Rachel's wet body in tight.
"I've been so worried," she gasps, wondering how earth she managed to give this girl away in the past – it just proves to her that she's no longer that woman she once was, and she's glad. "You're going to catch your death. Come on, let's get you home."
Rachel doesn't object and finds herself dropping into a peaceful sleep in the car journey home. It's a shame to wake her because Shelby notices this is the first time Rachel hasn't tossed and turned and murmured through her slumber. But she's also aware that sleeping in a car – no matter how plush – is not good for anyone, so she rubs Rachel's arm which is still a little wet from the rain and quickly ushers her inside.
They have soup for dinner after Rachel's dried out, sat in front of a dimly lit fire and Rachel's a little surprised when her phone begins to ring. She's aware she hasn't spoken to her dads yet today, but she sent them a good morning message and hoped that would be enough. But it's not her dads who are ringing, it's Quinn and for a second, Rachel's horrified that her secret might already have got out, courtesy of Puck. But after weighing up his conscious (and almost missing the call altogether) she decides he's not the type to just blurt something this heavy out. He's a self-titled badass but he's still a human too who, more importantly, has suffered the same feelings she's experiencing right now. So she answers the phone and Shelby busies herself packing stuff away; the two of them will talk later.
"Quinn? I think you might have the wrong number."
"No, Berry, it's you I want to talk to. You weren't in school today."
"You noticed?" Rachel guesses her usual persona is pretty hard not to.
"Rachel, you practically are glee club. Of course we noticed." It's not meant as a compliment, Quinn's voice makes that clear, but Rachel intends to take it as one anyway. "Look, don't tell anyone I'm ringing you because that makes me seem desperate, which I'm not by the way, I'm just fed up of all this goddamn baby talk, you know?"
Rachel knows completely.
"And so when you were off school, I figured you'd have some big, melodramatic reason that would no doubt brighten up my evening." There's a moment, just a beat, where Rachel actually contemplates telling Quinn everything. Because although Shelby's doing better than Rachel could ever have expected, she can't help her on the whole 'telling the parent's' front. "So come on, spill."
Rachel's put on the spot and cannot think of anything that would substitute a day off, which Quinn would believe. So she revisits that beat, that moment of contemplation and decides that she's going to go for the truth.
"Quinn, what I'm about to tell you can go no further that your ears. It's of the utmost importance that you tell no one."
"Like I said, melodramatic." But Rachel takes assurance that Quinn will oblige. And if not, Rachel knows people are more likely to believe her than Quinn, particularly after she lied about her baby's father, so if the worst comes to the worst, she'll just deny this phone call ever happened. "Berry, don't keep me waiting. This baby's making me wait an entire nine months before I can get my life back, I can't deal with anymore waiting."
Rachel inhales deeply and Shelby watches from the kitchen, resting her elbows on the desktop. Rachel looks more like she's meditating than talking on the phone and Shelby smiles because the similarities between them really are incredible.
"Quinn, I'm trusting you with my life here because this is something big. And I don't mean spying on Vocal Adrenaline behind Mr Schue's back big." Shelby can't help but grin at this, but Rachel's too engrossed in the conversation to notice.
"Build it up, much?" Quinn's impatient but eager with it. Rachel takes one more deep breath and swallows.
"Quinn, I'm-" Rachel's phone beeps and the battery goes dead. She hasn't charged it since arriving at Shelby's and it's been ringing non-stop since early afternoon after Shelby discovered Rachel hadn't been at school. Rachel stares at the phone in a midst of confusion and proceeds to place it on her leg and just stare at it, as if she expects it to just magically come back to life. She's not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that she hasn't just told Quinn, but before she can decide either way, Shelby's standing in front her.
"I think we need to talk." And finally Shelby gets Rachel to talk and it's a real bonding moment for the both of them. Rachel explains why she just couldn't face the kids at school, especially now Puck knows about the pregnancy and Shelby tells her how she made Jesse sit out in rehearsals and they laugh at how immature he really can be. They discuss how Rachel's going to tell her fathers and whether she's going to tell everyone else at school too and then, just before bed, they discuss Barbra Streisand because they both need something nice to think of just before they sleep.