Uchisoto
By: Reboo
Email: rlw1985@hotmail.com, or lngwp@oz.zzn.com
A/N: Another short rough draft resulting from a very sleepy me in Spanish class, the caffeine wasn't helping me at all.
The war before the last was so easy to understand, to comprehend and to act. I let my emotions guide me to what I felt was right. I could kill without worry, without guilt. That changed though. In this last battle, there was no need to kill, to sacrifice lives for a larger goal. Civilians rallied with us and against the opposite side, they have seen the need to fight for what they believe. Still they do not understand however. I don't believe they ever can.
Blood has been spilt, and burnt by my hands, and I feel no regret. I did what was necessary. Others don't realize this. Some of those who have killed suffer from extreme guilt, and regret. Those who did not take part, and have no desire to understand look disgustedly down on us soldiers, seeing us as people who should be banned from society, for corrupting it. They are unwilling to see the blind facts.
People who understand and have regrets, have moved on, and are trying to find a purpose in their lives. Some have succeeded, others simply wander their purpose, meaning in life just out of their reach.
I am one of those who wanders. At first I thought I knew what I could do, but after this last battle I find myself having to rethink, and analyze who I am, and where I should go. There is till a need for soldiers, and there will always be, whether people are willing to admit it or not. I will always be a soldier, and thus have something to return to, my quest now I believe is to explore the other possibilities before returning to what I know. I will let my emotions continue to guide me, and take me where they may.
The key to existence lays in the hearts of those who are willing to let their emotions guide them to where they belong. Only they will truly succeed, because no matter how far they go off track, they are never truly in a wrong place. They are where they need to be at that moment in time.
Justification for my actions lays in my thoughts, my emotions, and the emotions and the souls of others. Only if they take a good look at the true meaning of the war will they see all our actions were not unsanctioned. My life is lived by my emotions, the failure of others to see what emotions truly are has the end result of disputes, those of which often turn nasty.
The human race in a whole is unwilling to sanction that emotions are power, and are in fact what guide humans to do what they do. We are unopen to the ideas of others, we lack tolerance. This is truly what I see to cause the wars to begin with, are own stupidity and greed. Stupidity because we refuse to accept difference, that is civilized. Greed because we wish to rule, to have power, to enslave, and to do whatever we feel is fit whenever we want.
These aspects have been present throughout all history. Failure to recognize this only results in our own destruction and the recurrence of the past again, but in a harsher way then before. We have never heeded to the past however. As a race we have not learned our lessons and continue to repeat the same mistakes.
In a situation like this we must take life for everything it is worth, but still be willing to give all that we can give to keep the worst from occurring again, so that others may not have to experience the pain of the past, present, and the future.
This is why I'm on my own journey. Shinigami calls it a soul search, one to discover who we are. I don't believe that is so. I know who I am now, I am who I have always been. You can not put a name to a person truly, because we are not a name, but a soul with a collection of ideas, memories, and emotions.
Many of us lack names, that is why I despise them so. They hold no meaning other than to recognize a person by a face. 'Is not a rose by any other name, still as sweet.'
Purpose, that is what I need. A purpose can not be simply to live, there is always something else, that is what I search for. The meaning behind existence, happiness, for short. It exists, in what fashion I do not know, but I hope soon to find out. Someday I will know happiness for all that it is, even if it is only one moment before death comes to claim me.