It Takes Courage to Tell
Fandom : The Losers
Characters : Jensen/Cougar, Clay, Jensen's sister and niece, Pooch/Jolene and their son
Rating : PG-13
Word Count: approx. 8,400 words
Written for the fic_promptly prompt of The Losers ~ Any ~ He wasn't sure quite how to tell his team he's a shifter. In which 'team' means family.
Author's Note : This story is a timestamp for "A Wolf Among Men", and is a series of missing scenes from the Epilogue of that story.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
It Takes Courage To Tell
Cougar looked at Jake asleep in the bed beside him. He sifted a hand gently through Jake's hair pushing it back from his face to see how relaxed he really was. The frown was still there, the tension that could be seen in his shoulders and back, the clenched jaw. He sighed. He wished he could take this pain and fear away.
He shifted his own position lying down and curling round Jake, allowing him to snuggle closer, unconsciously seeking the comfort he so needed but always tried so hard to hide. Years and Jake still thought he had to hide these feelings. Years and Cougar knew he would keep going, keep being there and trying to get through and prove to Jake that he didn't need to hide anything from him anymore. Yet it was the prospect of the sharing the truth that was the cause of this tension in him.
As Jake's head settled against his shoulder, Cougar tilted his head and pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head. They would get through the coming days together, no matter what.
They spent the morning down in the nearest town, shopping, fetching supplies and making sure that there were a few new DVDs for the children to watch, plenty of beer in the fridge and a few bottles of wine.
In the truck, Jensen was still quiet, staring out of the window lost in thought. As Cougar drove back up to their isolated house, he let one hand drift from the wheel to settle on Jensen's nearer thigh, squeezing it in reassurance. "All will be as it will be," he said gently. "Worrying will change nothing."
Jensen laughed for what felt like the first time in days as he looked at his partner. "You know that's not exactly reassuring. Most people would said that everything would be fine and I don't need to worry!"
Cougar quirked his lips into a half smile as he said resignedly, "If I knew that, then you would know it as well and you wouldn't be worried. I cannot tell you how she will react, but I do know that we will deal with whatever happens. Together."
Jensen smiled affectionately and nodded, "Yeah, of course we will. That's what we do now, right?"
"Absolutamente."
The house was cleaned, even Cougar was stunned by just how clean they'd made it. All the guest rooms were spotless, freshly aired and Jensen had put flowers into his sister's and Pooch and Jolene's room. It was a thoughtful touch, but also a clear sign of his anxiety.
Jensen was now slaving in the kitchen, preparing cookies for everyone's arrival as well as making advanced preparations for the evening meal. His movements were sharp and jerky as he tried to do more and more things at the same time to drown out the negative thoughts that kept threatening to overwhelm him. Cougar moved up behind him, slipping arms around his waist to catch and hold him still for a moment or two, and leaning in to whisper, "All will be well. You still have me, whatever." As Jensen turned to look at him, Cougar smirked, relieved when Jensen smiled back and leaned in for a kiss. It didn't take away the burgeoning panic, but Cougar figured at least it gave him some reassurance that he was not in this alone.
The sound of a car coming up the driveway had Cougar giving a second chaste kiss to Jensen's cheek before pulling back and going to greet the first of the arriving guests.
Clay was the first to arrive, greeting both men with his familiar grin and handing over a large box filled with more beer. "My contribution to the weekend," he said, "Oh and this." Cougar peered into the second bag and saw a couple of prime meat cuts and nodded his thanks as he waved him into the house.
"Usual room for me?" Clay asked.
"Your room," Cougar said and led the way upstairs and to the furthest room. Although fairly small, it was furnished warmly, dark wood wardrobe and dresser, medium sized flat screen TV and a large solidly built wood framed bed.
Pooch and Jolene arrived next in their SUV, as soon as they opened the door, shouts could be heard from the back seat, "Where's Uncle Jake? I want to play with Uncle Jake."
Cougar laughed, turning back to the house to call Jensen out. As Jensen came through the door, Jolene was leaning into the back seat and unstrapping Ayden who was already trying to impatiently squirm his way past her. She'd barely got his straps undone and lifted from his shoulders when he was squeezing past her and slipping down to the floor to run towards Jensen. "Uncle Jake, Uncle Jake! I'm here, can we play now?"
Jensen walked down the steps and swept the little boy up into the air, spinning him around and smiling at his laughter, before pulling him into a hug. Jolene hurried after him, already apologizing to Jensen, who just leaned over to give her a peck on the cheek. "Hey, Jo. Good drive? Was Ayden here a good boy?" he asked, tickling the boy in his arms and making him giggle.
"Someone couldn't wait to get here and see his Uncle Jake! All we've heard all the way here was 'Are we there yet?' and 'Will Uncle Jake play ball with me?'" Jolene rolled her eyes affectionately.
Jensen gave the toddler another hug before setting him down on his feet, still holding his hand, "Ball in a bit when Abby gets here – how does that sound? Cookie first though."
Ayden clapped his hands enthusiastically. Pooch laughed as he came up behind his wife, carrying their bags, "Are you bribing my son to think you're the most awesome uncle ever?"
Jensen looked a little sheepish, but didn't answer, instead allowing Cougar to usher everyone into the house as he stayed back to help Ayden climb the steps behind them at his own pace, still chattering brightly.
Jolene noticed that Pooch and Clay's eyes seemed to track Jake and Cougar, wondered what they knew or had guessed about the week's vacation that she wasn't aware of yet. She hadn't failed to recognize the concern in Cougar's movements, the way he seemed to be trying to be strong for Jake, to give him little reassuring touches when he thought no one was looking. She had also seen the shadows below Jake's eyes, the way he bit his lip and looked tense and worried whenever he thought attention was elsewhere, how he looked like he hadn't been sleeping enough.
A wave of concern swept through her as she imagined a range of things she never wanted to have to hear from friend or family. Yet despite all the negative thoughts that swept through her and his tired and concerned appearance, Jake didn't look ill, just worried. She hoped that he hadn't had bad news about Abby or Jamie. The team were all here now though and his girls would no doubt arrive before too much longer, so no matter what the news he wasn't alone and nor was Cougar.
She watched as Jake stood up and headed back to the kitchen again, saying he needed to check on something he was cooking. Jolene wasn't sure whether it was true or not, but shrugging off Pooch's attempt to stop her she headed after him. If something was wrong, then he didn't need to be bearing the brunt of the cooking and other chores alone.
He was stood at the kitchen sink, when she caught up to him, staring out of the window into the distance as if he was lost in thought. "Jay?" she said softly, her hand coming up to rest on his arm. "You okay, sweetheart?"
He turned and she caught the glimmer of moisture in his eyes before he forced a smile and said, "Of course I am. Always look on the bright side, right?"
"Is there a bright side?" she pressed.
He pulled her closer, whispering into her hair, "Of course there's a bright side. I've got Cougs, haven't I? What could be brighter than that? Have you seen him? The guy's really hawt. A catch, I'm really lucky to have caught him."
"He's lucky to have caught you!" she insisted, "And I don't want to hear anything different."
He chuckled and she counted it a win as he let her go and said, "You say the nicest things, you little charmer!" The sound of another car pulling up the drive was enough to have him biting his lip and going tense again.
"Is everything okay with Jamie and Abby?"
He nodded and looked away before answering, "The two of them are fine for now. Guess I'm just not sure how long that will last." As he finished, he turned and seemed to take a few deep breaths bracing himself before heading towards the front of the house, leaving Jolene behind to wonder and worry just what it was that was bothering him.
Cougar also heard the car pulling up the driveway out front and was out of his seat before anyone else could react, heading for the front door. He waited there for Jake to join him and, ignoring the other people already in the house, he pulled Jake closer and with his arms around him, turned his head to kiss his cheek, before stepping back and reaching for the door handle.
Jake stepped out ahead of him and he hoped that he hadn't heard the quiet, "Oh, shit!" from Pooch behind him.
A childish shout of "Uncle JJ" came from the open window of the car, where Abby had already released her seat belt and was leaning out of the window dangerously as she waved excitedly.
Jake frowned at her as he walked down the steps towards the car as her mother ground to a halt. "You know better than that, Abby! It's dangerous to be out of your seat belt while your Mom's still driving."
Abby looked slightly chastened and slid back into the car with a "Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Uncle JJ." She sat in her seat and waited to be told that she could get out.
With a look at Cougar and a shrug, Jake stepped forward and opened her car door, dropping to crouch down and look at her. "Hey, Abby," he said softly.
She looked up and smiled at him before lurching forward, arms outstretched to wrap around his neck and let him hoist her from the car. He wrapped his arms around her, waiting for her to free her legs and shift them, then he hoisted her up out of the car into a bear hug, swinging her round and round until she squealed.
"You know Abby, your Uncle JJ is getting old. Don't wear him out too soon!" Jamie called as she climbed out of the car where Cougar was holding her door for her. "Hey Cougs. It's good to see you." She leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek, giving him a quick hug.
"I am getting no such thing!" Jake objected fiercely. "And if I was, what does that say about you?"
Cougar knew better than to get between the two siblings' banter and instead made his way to the trunk of the car and popped it reaching in to pick out the bags inside.
Jamie caught him up. "You do know we're independent women, who don't have to rely on men, right?"
"Si. However, even an independent woman can accept a gesture such as this when it allows her more time with her brother," Cougar smiled.
"Right . . . it's not 'cause your Momma raised you to be an old-fashioned gentleman at all," she smiled warmly back, leaning into his side and slipping her arm around him for another hug. "Anyway, you are as close to being my brother as it gets. I've always preferred you," she teased, her face changing to one of surprise when Cougar didn't return the joke with his usual banter.
Cougar looked at her seriously and then said, in a voice that was soft and low, "Don't say that. He needs to know how much you love him." He hugged her again, then turned back to the bags, hoisting one over his shoulder and keeping the other in his hand he headed for the door, giving Jamie chance to move her attention to Jake.
"So even if you're not getting old, she is getting older," she said moving closer, one arm out ready and waiting to pull him into a hug.
"Aw, is my baby growing up?" he joked. "Is that right, Abby, you're growing up?" He squeezed her tight to him making her laugh again before setting her down on her feet
"Who else is coming?" she asked excitedly.
"Everyone's here, we were just waiting on the two of you arriving. Ayden's inside; he wants to play ball. Are you game?" Abby hadn't waited to hear him out, already haring off towards the steps when Jake had said that everyone was there. He smiled as he watched her go, turning to look at his sister as she slipped her arms around him and nestled into his side. He tilted his head down and as she looked up, he kissed her forehead. "Hey sis," he greeted softly, the earlier bantering put aside. "Was the drive up okay?"
"It was fine. The traffic wasn't bad at all. Is everything okay, JJ?"
He smiled a little sadly and nodded.
"JJ?" she said with a little more force as if she could make him tell the truth.
He just pulled her tighter and said, "We'll talk after the children are in bed, but don't worry, please. Everything's fine, though I guess I had better go wear them out so they'll sleep tonight." With that he slipped out of her embrace, took her by the hand and pulled her over to the steps and up and into the house.
The day passed in a confusion of cooking, conversation and being distracted by children, but despite the general level of relaxation amongst close family and friends, none of the adults could fail to notice that something very marked was bothering both Cougar and Jake. Cougar spent a fair amount of the day in the kitchen putting the finishing touches to the earlier preparations he and Jake had made together, but no matter the attempts by Jolene and Jamie working together and alone, he would not be drawn into sharing whatever the secret was that he and Jake were keeping.
Jake bounced around with the children, making them both laugh and squeal and finally collapse in exhaustion beside their parents shortly before dinner time. But despite having maintained his usual exuberance with the children, his own smiles had been a little sad, like he was soaking up every last moment in preparation for something no one else could quite understand.
Dinner itself had been a huge success, one of Cougar's more extensive efforts, that had had everyone leaving the table finally feeling overstuffed and lethargic, but like they'd been treated to the finest fare they could have asked for.
Clay and Pooch were put on kitchen duty, while Jolene and Jamie saw to putting the children to bed. It was well past Ayden's usual bedtime, so the little boy was soon fast asleep, while Abby took a little longer to settle and even then her mother left her reading some of Jake's comic books, knowing that the excitement of the day would soon take its toll and no matter how much Abby was growing up, the little girl in her would soon flake out and she would be snoring softly.
Jolene had rejoined Clay and Pooch in the kitchen, in a purely supervisory role, scowling when Clay had suggested leaving a pan to soak until the morning. "Like it would be you up first thing in the morning!" she said haughtily, "All you're really trying to do is leave it for someone else to do! Are you afraid your hands are going to wrinkle in the water? I hadn't taken you for vain, Clay!"
Sheepishly, Clay picked the pan up again, tipped out the extra water and began to put a little more effort into its cleaning with a softly spoken, "Sorry, Ma'am." While his back was safely turned, she smirked.
"Not finished yet?" Jamie asked as she joined them. "Where's JJ? And Cougs?"
"Taking a walk," said Pooch. "They'll be back soon."
"Well, the two of them excelled themselves with that. I mean I know Cougs did most of the cooking this evening, but there were some definite Jake touches in that dessert," said Jolene. "I've eaten enough to bust the button off my jeans and we haven't even reached Thanksgiving yet! Heaven help me if I've got to get through this and Christmas in a few weeks!"
"I know . . . If they eat like this all the time, it's no wonder they're making such good progress on the house – they'd need to be on the go constantly to burn it all off!" Jamie agreed. "So," she looked pointedly at Clay and Pooch, "Do you two know what's going on? Why we're here?"
"Celebrating Thanksgiving?" Pooch said, hoping the answer would be sufficient, but Jamie just snorted.
It was Clay who turned around to answer frankly, "I've got my suspicions, but it's not something I'm going to tell you for two reasons. Firstly, I could be wrong and secondly, all this effort they've gone to, I figure it's something they want to tell you about themselves."
Cougar took Jake's hand and led him away from the house, down the path that led to the barn, before slipping behind it and pulling Jake into his arms.
"You know we don't have to hide this anymore," Jake pointed out bluntly.
"It's not about hiding," Carlos said, kissing him. "It's about being us."
Jake breathed deeply, leaning in to bury his head in the crook of Cougar's neck. "I shouldn't be this worried, should I? I should just spit it out . . . All this time and I still don't know how I'm going to tell her, how I'm going to make her understand."
"I love you," Cougar said.
Jake looked up and smiled, "Are you trying to distract me? Stop me panicking? I can't say it worked exactly, but it helped."
"Nothing's going to change that," Cougar said.
Jake smiled fondly and traced a heart shape over Cougar's heart with the tip of his finger. "I never thought it would. Ready to take the bull by the horns, as they say?"
"I don't think referring to your sister as a bull is going to help our situation," Cougar said, lifting a hand to Jake's cheek and letting his thumb rub along his jaw.
Jake shook his head, leaned in for another longer, deeper kiss before drawing back slowly, whispering his own, "Just so you know I love you too," then took Cougar's hand and led the way back to the house.
Everyone was sitting in the lounge watching the TV when Jake and Cougar made it to the house and let themselves in through the back door. Cougar calmly walked towards the lounge to join their guests, but Jake halted, leaning against the door jamb. "So drinks . . . anyone?" he said, voice falsely bright. "I'll get everyone drinks and . . . snacks . . . yeah I'll do snacks too."
Cougar looked back at him, eyes bearing a hint of reproach alongside their warm caring. "Beers for you guys?" Jake continued. "Jo? Jame? You want wine or beers or . . . or something else?"
"JJ, why don't you sit down?" Jamie gave her brother a glare, but rather than follow the instruction, Jake turned and almost ran to the kitchen.
Everyone could hear as he opened and closed doors on cupboards and the fridge. Cougar ran a hand down his face and started to push himself up from where he'd taken a seat when Jake finally reappeared. "'kay, think I've got everyone something. Wine for the ladies, beer for Pooch and Clay. One for Cougs and me and then I'll just find another s-"
Cougar cut him off, by catching his arm and pulling him to share the small sofa on which he was already seated. Setting his own beer down on the ground, he then took Jake's from his hand as well, took hold of Jake's hand in the one he had held the beer with and moved the other to Jake's back, holding him close and hoping to reassure him.
"Ha!" Jamie laughed, "Seriously! I can't believe it!"
Jensen and Cougar both frowned as her laughter turned into a gleeful cackle and she said, "You're getting married! That's what this has been about – you telling us you're getting married!"
Cougar had grabbed for Jake as he paled and looked nauseous and stammered out the words, "No! No, no, no. It's not that . . . we've never discussed that!" He looked at Cougar frantic, then turned back and rushed out an explanation, "There was an accident on a mission and I got hurt and afterwards I turned into a werewolf and I have done it every month since, I can't help it, I can't stop it and there's nothing I can do to change it and then things went wrong and Cougs – Cougs was dying and the only way – the only way – the only way I could save him . . ."
Jake was shaking and Cougar pulled him closer and said, "He saved me, because I asked him to, by turning me as well. We are both wolves."
"Is this some kind of joke?" Jamie snapped, "Because it's really weak, Jake. There's nothing funny in that!"
"It's not a joke," Clay said.
She turned on him and sneered, "So you expect me to believe he –" she punctuated her words with a jab of her finger in Jake's direction, "got hurt on a mission and turned into a wolf! What kind of stupid idiot do you take me for?"
"It's true, Jamie," Jensen said quietly. "It's true."
"And you're telling me this now, why exactly?"
"Because . . . it was never safe to tell you before. I don't know that it really is now, but it will never be safer than it is here and I never wanted to keep it a secret from you. You're my family."
She loomed over him. "You Bastard! You utter Bastard!" she screeched, drawing back her hand and slapping him across the face before storming from the room and heading up the stairs.
Jake stood up, poised as if to follow her, before suddenly turning and running for the screen door that led outside. Cougar ran after him.
There was a shocked silence in the living room for a few moments, until bracing himself Clay pushed himself to standing, saying that he would go and speak to Jamie.
Jolene said, "No, leave her. Let her calm down. Tell me what really happened . . . all of it . . . how, when, where, who and . . ." She looked towards the door through which Jake and Cougar had gone, "why you let him suffer this on his own so long."
"We had no idea," Clay started, pausing as she frowned and looked unbelieving. Clay took a deep breath and began to tell her of the way Jensen had made his way through an ancient castle, how they had all been in different places; he and Roque fetching a prisoner, Pooch ready to get them out and Cougar providing cover, but inside the castle had roamed a huge wolf. The wolf had tracked Jensen; leaped from the window of a tower in pursuit after Jensen had rappelled out of the same window; how just as it had attacked, Roque and Cougar had broken cover and begun to fire on it. It had bitten Jensen savagely, but died before it could kill him.
They'd got him out of the area, stood by him as he fought whatever infections raged through his system, until he had healed and been whole and they'd been able to find their way home.
Jolene's gaze didn't soften and she just indicated that he should continue. Clay hung his head and told of Jensen's first change alone, the pain and hurt the wolf suffered that none of them could figure out how to help with. She stood and paced across the room, fists clenched before rounding on them. "When? Exactly how long has he been going through this? Before Bolivia? Stupid question, of course it's before Bolivia you were on an army sanctioned mission. Exactly how long have you let him suffer alone like that in pain?"
Pooch leaped up to join her, beginning to speak rapidly, "It – it wasn't like that, Jo, it really wasn't. Yes, he was in pain, but over time and with Cougar's help . . . he learned to change without the same pain. . . He learned to accept the change and so it became quicker, less hurtful. . ."
"You let Cougar help him. So this happened after they got together?" she nodded as if willing to accept that until she saw the guilty look on both men's faces. "Before? This has been going on. . . I can't believe you let him . . . What did Cougar do to help?"
Pooch shrugged. Clay said, "He would go with him into the woods wherever we were and would sit with him, trying and help."
"No!" she suddenly gasped. "All those team-bonding jaunts into mountains and woodlands. That was for him! You – I can't believe you, Clay! So that is what drove them to be together?"
Both men shrugged as if they weren't sure. "I think Cougar felt that way beforehand, but never did anything," Clay said. "Maybe?"
"Is he – are they dangerous?" she demanded.
Pooch shook his head, "No more than normal to their pack . . ."
"Their pack!" Jolene rolled her eyes, "Listen to yourselves!"
"That's what we are – if you and Jamie accept this, it's what you'll be. They're intelligent and they'd protect you with their lives . . . literally," Clay said plainly.
Pooch crossed the room and tried to stop her pacing. "Jo, please listen. We've stood by him in every way we knew how. We couldn't find any way to stop it happening. You know how good Jensen is at tracking down Intel and he couldn't find a damn thing. We did what we could and he saved us . . . more than once. . . he saved Cougs and I when . . . When I came home after the – after the capture, with all those injuries and Cougs was even worse. We'd both have died in there before Clay and Roque could have even tried a rescue, but Jensen, Jensen saved us. Jensen got us out of there and all of it because of his wolf."
"All that, yet you let him carry on suffering and keeping this a secret? Jamie's wrong, he's not the bastard, you are!" Jolene angrily wiped tears away from her eyes.
"It was the only way we knew to keep her and Abby safe," Clay said.
"But you said the wolf wouldn't hurt pack! You said that yourself!"
"And if anyone else had ever found out, she'd have been at risk. If we could convince people it was only us who knew-" Pooch stopped short as Jolene slapped him.
"Don't give me that bullshit, Linwood! She was no safer not knowing than knowing, because if it had come down to it, they would have just assumed she knew anyway. You let him suffer with just you knowing, making him keep this a secret like it was his fault, like he'd done some horrible thing . . ."
"Maybe we – I was wrong," Clay said, finally, "But I've always tried to do the right thing."
Jolene turned away, but waved her hand for them to continue the story. "And Cougar? How long was he alone before Cougar?"
"Too long," Clay said sadly. "Not that I would ever have wanted to have Cougar turn as well, although . . . it's been good for both of them. Cougar was dying, we were trapped in a snow filled mountain pass and Cougar had gunshot wounds , hypothermia and injuries from a fall. He was running out of time and help wasn't going to come in time. The best thing to come from Jensen's change was that his wounds heal quicker than normal. He also tends to run hotter when he's fighting infection, which isn't always a good thing but . . . he's been like that since he was first bitten. Roque had the idea that if he bit Cougar, the same would apply."
"Roque?"
"Yes, it was Roque's idea, but it was Cougar who decided it was what he wanted and it was Cougar who convinced Jensen."
"Why?"
Both men shrugged.
She huffed. "Probably so Jensen didn't get left with just you two! And since then?"
"Things got easier, Cougar never fought the change, hasn't suffered in the same way as Jensen, because he knew more of what he was getting into, I guess. Things seemed to get easier for Jensen too. They learned to control a lot more of it and they're always together for it," Pooch said.
"Thank goodness for some small mercies," she said wryly. "The two of you can sit down and shut up now. I'm going to go and talk to Jake and Cougs. You aren't going to move beyond using the remote to change channel on the TV. When I'm done with them, I will go and talk to Jamie and try to fix the mess you made. Any questions?"
Pooch shook his head quickly and turned to face the TV, Clay echoed the movement with a quick, "No, Ma'am."
Cougar caught Jake before he got far, pulling him back to sit on the porch steps, sitting the younger man on the lower step before settling down behind him, holding him close. "I am still here," he said softly.
"I know," Jake said, voice tight with held back emotion. "Still want to be? "
"Always."
"I'm not sure if that could have gone much worse, you know," Jake said quietly, leaning back against Cougar's chest and scrubbing at his face in frustration.
"She hasn't left yet," Cougar said. "There is time for her to change her mind."
"Abby's sleeping; she'll wait until she wakes up. It would only frighten Abby to be woken up and dragged out of here now. But Jamie will be up there googling when full moon is and making sure they're away from here first thing in the morning."
"It is her loss, Jake," Cougar said softly.
"We all lose, Cougs, we all lose. Do you ever wish things could have been different?"
"I would change nothing in case we never ended up here together."
Jake tilted his head to look back at Cougar, relaxing further when Cougar leaned in and captured his lips in a kiss. "I will always love you, Jake," Cougar whispered before pressing into another kiss.
The door opened behind them and they pulled apart, Jake flushing slightly, although he pulled Cougar's arms tighter around him. As Jolene approached and settled on the step beside Jake, Jake started to pull himself away from Cougar only to be stopped by Jolene. "Don't, Jake. Stay there." She leaned upward a fraction and pressed a kiss to Cougar's temple.
"Don't get ideas there, Jolene. He's mine and I'm not giving him up willing. I'll fight dirty," Jake warned with false bravado.
"I wouldn't dream of taking him from you, sweetheart, even if I thought I stood a chance," she said, switching her attention from Cougar and taking his hand in hers. "Jake, I want to tell you something, both of you, but you most of all. You're still my Jake no matter what. I'm sorry that you got turned like that, that you suffered so long on your own with only those idiots in there and Cougar to be there for you. I'm sorry it hurt you so much to be like that . . . alone. I'm not sorry you're a wolf though. You saved Pooch, you saved Clay, you saved Cougar, you saved your team and brought them home for me. No one else would have been strong enough to do what you did and I thank you."
When he started to try and object, she lifted a hand to his lips, silencing him. "Ssssh, and listen for once in your life," she smiled affectionately as she spoke. "I'm glad you turned Cougar, not just because it's the only reason he's here today, but because like everything, you're in this together. You'll never just walk away from each other. You are meant for each other. But I want you both to know something important. You are still my family. You were my family yesterday and today and that is not going to change tomorrow or ever. Nothing is going to take you away from me without me fighting tooth and nail to keep you. Do you get that? No matter what Jamie does, it's not going to make any difference. You two are and always will be my boys. Got it?"
Jake visibly relaxed under her watchful gaze.
"So what's a girl got to do to get to see these wolves of yours? I bet they're every bit as handsome as the two of you, aren't they? Will I be able to tell who's who?"
"We change tomorrow night," Jake looked away, still anxious.
"We will come back to the house if you wish it," Cougar said. "We will never be too far away."
"I can't wait. Seriously, you two must be beautiful wolves! I can't believe you held out on me for so long!" She wrapped her arms around them both as far as she could, pressing kisses to both of their cheeks. "Nothing's changed between us, I promise." She drew back and stood up slowly. "I'm going to go and talk to Jamie and see if I can talk some sense into her. No promises on that score, just hope. So you two be good and don't get into any trouble while I'm gone." Just before leaving she gave a firm tap to the front of Cougar's hat, toppling it from his head to land upside down in Jake's lap.
Jamie heard the light footsteps climbing the stairs and knew it would be someone coming up to talk to her. She pulled another tissue from her bag and tried to clean up her face before there was a tap at the door. Jolene pushed the door open a little and whispered, "Thought we could maybe talk. Wanna come to my room; Ayden will sleep through anything at this point."
Jamie drew in a breath and looked like she was tempted to say no, but then she grabbed a few more tissues and followed Jolene from the room.
"You're hurt," Jolene said, when she'd got Jamie sitting beside her on the bed. "But you know the one thing JJ's always done is try to protect you and Abby from everything bad about his job."
"And before that," Jamie said. "It was how the three of us ended up living together for so long, because he could be sure that we were looked after, safe and . . ." She began to weep again and Jolene wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.
"Oh, sweetheart, he's still your JJ. That hasn't changed at all. All this time and he's always put you and Abby first; he struggled through all of that because those damned idiots downstairs convinced him it was the only way to keep you safe. He fought his way through this, and believe me, he's gone through some awful times when he needed his sister because he thought he was keeping you safe. Clay and Pooch are idiots and Cougar . . . I love Cougar but the man barely says enough words to be three sentences from a normal person in a whole conversation, JJ is hardly likely to hear reason from him. But he protected your JJ for you. He was the one with him all the way, trying to make it easier for him."
"I love him, Jo, I do, but I have to put Abby first. I don't have a choice in that. Don't tell me you feel any different about Ayden."
"I wouldn't ever suggest that you put Abby at risk . . . but it's your JJ and he's never hurt either of you and he never would."
"But he's a wolf, Jolene! A wolf. I mean, what does he think he's doing bringing us all up here just before he changes?"
"He would never hurt you," Jolene said firmly, "Never! You hear me. He has never hurt anyone who wasn't hurting one of his own."
"He was bitten by a beast that leaped out of a castle tower window. That's what they said, some sort of raging monster and you expect me to let my daughter be around him now, knowing that's what happens to him?"
"Except that isn't what happens to him. A man who was nothing short of a despot will not turn into anything but a ravaging beast, but Jake has never been a man like that. He's always been kind and caring and for all that he's a soldier he's one of the gentlest and funniest guys I know. He's a bit of a geek, but one thing you could never miss is that he's got a heart of gold and would do anything for the people he cares about."
Jamie shuddered. "He turned Cougar. Does that sound like he's got a heart of gold to you?"
Jolene caught hold of Jamie's chin, tilting her head so their eyes could meet. "He saved Cougar."
"He turned him!"
"He saved him, Jame, he saved him. They were trapped in the mountains and Cougs was dying with too many injuries to have any hope of survival. It was his only chance and Jake resisted. Jake never made that decision, Cougar made it. You need to understand and accept that, because Jake fought it until he was faced with the reality of Cougar definitely dying or Cougs having some slight chance of survival and it was in Jake's hands."
Jamie turned into the shelter of Jolene's arm, allowed the other woman to pull her closer and let her cry, rocking her gently and promising her that everything was going to be okay. Jamie wanted it to be the truth. The thought of a future without her brother was more than she could face.
"What about Abby?" she finally asked. "What happens with Abby and JJ?"
"Talk to Jake. The two of you make decisions about that together, just like you've always done," Jolene advised softly. "He's still your JJ, that doesn't change. Jamie, he's carried this with him for years and, you know, in your heart you already know, he has never done anything to put the two of you at risk. When Clay and the others told him the best way to protect you was not to tell you, that was what he did. You need to talk to him and Cougar, be honest about your concerns but listen to them. This is not something new, it's not something that has just happened, that he doesn't have control or understanding of; neither of them are in that position now. Maybe that's why they figured it really was safe to share it with us after all this time. Maybe it's why they've stopped listening to Clay and Pooch."
"Have they ever killed anyone?"
"They're soldiers, sweetheart. You know that's not a question to ask. It doesn't mean to say they wanted to or they enjoyed it, it means that they did what needed to be done."
"They're wolves. Have either of them ever killed anyone while they were a wolf?"
"If you really want to know, then you ask them. You want to know what I think. I think they're still my boys, my Jake and Cougar, and I think they've done what they could to get through and they are just as kind, just as loving as they were before I knew about this. I will continue to trust them with my life, my husband's life and my son's life without question. This changes nothing for me."
"I want that to be true," Jamie admitted tearfully.
"Then go and talk to them and make it true," Jolene insisted. "The onus is on you now. They've done their bit and I'm sure that if you ask them things they'll do their best to answer honestly or as honestly as they can."
The two women came down the stairs, Jolene a few steps ahead of Jamie. Despite a trip to the bathroom to wash the tears from her face, Jamie still looked wrecked, her eyes red-rimmed and her skin pale.
"Where are the boys? Are they still outside?" Jolene asked getting a simultaneous yes from both her husband and Clay. The two men took in Jamie's shaky appearance and looked worried, but Jamie drew herself up to her full height and glared at them both before stalking haughtily to the door without saying anything, pulling it open and slamming it shut behind her.
Inside everyone waited with baited breath to see what would happen between Jake, Cougar and Jamie, but there were no raised voices, no loud weeping, no signs of fighting and no car engines roared in the night to show anyone departing.
It was a long and anxious wait.
Jake and Cougar were still sitting wrapped together on the steps, although they'd shifted along so that Cougar could lean against the railing and support both of their weight more comfortably. Jake was quiet, pointing out the occasional constellation in the clear night sky and telling stories from all over the world of that constellation.
Cougar had heard them all before, knew them off by heart himself, but he enjoyed them all the same.
"You know," Jake said suddenly, "Maybe somewhere out there, there's another planet, circling a sun like ours and on it there's two wolves sitting outside looking up at the sky waiting for a verdict after telling their families they were infected by some vicious and unforgiving despot of a wolf who turned into a human every full moon."
"Maybe there is," Cougar agreed. "And if there is then I hope those two wolves get the answer they want, but more than that I wish that they love each other as much as we do, because then they will survive no matter what."
Jake twisted round and smirked, "You're just a big old softie, Carlos Alvarez." He smiled and added, "You know Jamie might have had a point earlier . . . if you'd like it, I'd marry –"
Jake's words were cut off by the slamming of a door behind them. He jerked away, all the anxiety rushing back in again.
Jamie stood there for a moment just looking at them. She bit her lip, then seemed to brace herself and walk across to them. She sat down, tight against the opposite railing and looked at them. "You look the same," she said finally.
"We are the same," Cougar replied.
She sniffed disbelievingly, then relented. "Sorry," she apologized, "I didn't mean to come out and be antagonistic but I do have questions."
Jake's hand curled round Cougar's wrist, nails digging in for an instant before he realized what he was doing and released the grip. Cougar twisted his hand, capturing Jake's in his. "Ask," Cougar said simply.
"How long?"
"Me, when I was shot in the mountains and we got stuck because of the snow. It was my only chance. Jake, when we pulled the journalist out and had to cross the border to escape." Cougar gave enough detail that she could place the event but not enough that he was giving away any details that weren't already common knowledge.
She ran the numbers in her head, Bolivia was heading towards five years ago, which meant that he'd turned Cougar at least five years ago. She tried to place his deployments, remember where he'd been and when before that. "That's nearly ten years, JJ. You've kept this from me for nearly ten years," she said in disbelief.
Jake's head dropped and he bit his lip. "I thought I was keeping you safe."
"We both did," Cougar added, determined that Jake would know they were in this together.
"So you keep this secret for ten years so I'm safe, so what's changed now?"
"I'm not in the army anymore and we've found somewhere to live that's isolated enough that it's going to be our permanent home. We don't have to find somewhere to hide each month to change."
"That's it . . .? What about Abby?" she demanded. "How safe is Abby?"
"I would never hurt her and neither would Cougs. I wish I could make you believe that," he said sadly.
"I know you wouldn't, JJ, same as I know Cougs wouldn't, but what about the wolves?"
"The wolves would not hurt anyone unless it was to protect their family. Abby would be family," Cougar said.
"So you're telling me, neither of the wolves has ever hurt anyone, never killed anyone?" she persisted.
Cougar's arms tightened protectively around Jake, as he bit back an angry retort and instead said, "She is family. You are family. 'Pack'. Wolves will protect their pack. Jake, as man or wolf, would protect her with his life, as I would."
"You didn't answer my question, I notice," she pressed.
Jake pinched his nose, lifted his glasses off and rubbed at his eyes. "You really want the truth, Jame? Yes okay, I killed two men while I was a wolf and the only reason I'm here now is because Cougar wouldn't let me kill myself after I'd done it." He took an unsteady breath, then said, "I'd do it again though. If it meant Pooch and Cougs lived, I would do it again. I used the wolf as a weapon, used his teeth and claws just liked I would have drawn a gun or used a knife. Would you rather I'd let the three of us die in a dungeon somewhere being tortured?" The hurt in his voice was clear.
The two men waited as Jamie seemed to consider the facts. "You should have told me before now," she said eventually. "I wasn't safe not knowing, that was just stupidity to think that I would have been."
Jake nodded, but Cougar interrupted her complaints, "It was not all about you. Jake has carried a burden for five years alone and five more with me, there were many things we have learned through experience, through time. He has not had an easy journey to this point, but we are here now together and, because he thought it was time to be honest, we have invited you to know and understand the truth as it is today. You cannot understand the journey here, no one else can, but we are trying to be as open as we can with you."
"You plan to tell Abby?" she asked, her voice much softer.
"That would be up to you . . ." Jake said, "But actually I thought not yet. I don't want to burden her with my secrets. We . . . we have learned to stay human for the day but sometimes it is harder to be patient," he seemed to struggle with the words. "We thought perhaps so long as we were here for part of the day, we could leave saying we would be back after she'd gone to bed and would see her in the morning each day."
"Why not tell her the truth as well?"
"Because she's a little girl still at heart . . . she gets excited and she spills secrets. This is a secret she can't share, not if we're to be safe here. I can't expect her to understand that now. She is growing up fast and maybe the time will come, when she's old enough to understand it all, but as a child, she should be free from worries like this."
Jamie shifted from her position on the opposite side of the steps, moving closer to her brother, reaching out to touch him, leaning in as he shifted and opened his arms for her without leaving Cougar. "I don't want to lose you, JJ."
"Makes at least three of us, because we feel the same way. I'm sorry for everything," Jake said softly. "I never meant to hurt you, or frighten you." He kissed her temple. "I only ever wanted to protect you."
"You both did," she agreed, leaning back to look up at Cougar, "Me and each other. I guess we should keep it that way, but add in the me looking out for you too." She shivered suddenly. "It's chilly here now."
"We should go in. Get some sleep and. . ."
"You change tomorrow, right? After dark?" When Jake nodded, she asked, "Will you come back and let me see you both then?"
Jake pulled her close and held her tight. "I promise," he whispered.