A/N: I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :)
"Why don't you write about how you're feeling Tim?"
"I don't know how"
"Write about today"
"I'll try Abby"
In my head it's happened a thousand times if not more but this was it, I could stop dreaming about it.
Now I can finally do it.
I crept closer and closer to the edge, nobody was there to stop me, no one knew I was there. Midnight in DC seems particularly peaceful.
No one around who would bother looking up to see me standing right on the edge.
I kept seeing all of my stupid mistakes flash before my eyes and how useless I've been.
When I handed Tony that envelope containing plague I didn't think.
I have done so many stupid things.
Not taking Sarah to NCIS sooner, everything could have gone really wrong.
I can end this now. Everyone can cope without me, their lives will be easier.
Jenny won't care; I'm just another one of her agents, if anything it will be a relief.
Penny and Sarah will adjust to life without me.
Abby will have the most difficult time adjusting but she's stronger than we give her credit for, Palmer will be the least affected however he probably won't believe that I would do such a thing.
Tony will end up drowning his sorrows whereas Ziva will just take her feelings out on the first guy who wonders onto her path of destruction. I don't know how Gibbs will cope. He's dealt with many deaths in his time; one more won't make a difference. Ducky will hopefully guide everyone with his kind words of wisdom. They will all understand once they read the letters I left them all.
Just one more step.
I edged ever so slightly closer.
"TIM!"
I nearly fell over the edge out of shock, it was Gibbs.
"C'mon Tim, you don't wanna do this"
"I wouldn't be standing here if I didn't"
"Please Tim, I can't lose another agent"
"You will all cope just fine without me"
"Tim, we won't, you're irreplaceable. Everyone will say the same thing if you let them"
"Why are you here? I left letter on your desk hours after you left"
"I needed a hand with my new phone so I rung you on my old one but you never answered. I remembered that when I left NCIS you were still there so I thought you may have a lead on the case. When I saw that you weren't there my gut started churning, I sat at my desk for a moment to think and when I looked up I found this letter"
"I knew I should have posted them"
"Tim please"
"What's with the 'Tim' all of a sudden? I'm just McGee, Probie or Elf Lord to you"
"If I had a nickname for Tony or Ziva don't you think I'd use it"
"Are you really going to stop me from doing the one thing that will make me happy?"
"It doesn't work Tim, after the first time I was in an explosion and after finding out about my wife and daughter I drove out to where we went riding, I sat on a log where we used to roast marshmallows, pointed the gun at my head ready to pull the trigger, ready to end the pain and suffering"
"Why didn't you?"
"I realised there was more to life and that there were so many other people I could help. It didn't matter to me anymore that Franks couldn't solve my girls' case. Franks allowed me to get past everything and help catch bastards like the one that caused the two most painful deaths of my lifetime"
"That's all well and good but it's time to say goodbye"
"No Tim!" I didn't realise the whole time Gibbs had been creeping closer and closer. I for some reason kept my back to him which was silly, no, stupid of me as suddenly I felt someone's grip around me. They pulled me back over the rail and no matter how much I tried I couldn't escape or jump I couldn't.
My life has just got from bad to worse.
"Tim calm down, I'm trying to help"
"Just let me jump!"
"No!"
At this moment Gibbs had me pinned to the floor and I couldn't move an inch. After a minute of trying to escape I gave up but Gibbs didn't move
"I'm not moving until you promise that you're not gonna jump"
"Well that's not going to happen"
"Suit yourself "
Then Gibbs got up and helped me up but then I felt something on my wrist. Oh great, he has cuffed us together, how convenient.
"Go on then Tim, jump and take me with you" he pushed me right up to the bar almost over the edge
"Stop this!" Nothing was going according to plan, I really want to jump and Gibbs wasn't helping but I can't jump with him attached to me.
My eyes started to well up and I think Gibbs noticed, he let me go and stared walking and naturally I had no choice but to follow. There were a lot of stairs to walk down and the fact that Gibbs didn't speak a word to me made the journey feel ten times longer.
We walked all of the way back to HQ, it was 1:30am when we arrived, Gibbs refused to drive just to make a point, which point exactly I don't know.
When we entered the building Gibbs whispered something to one of the security guards which I didn't hear. We then walked to the elevator where Gibbs took the cuffs off.
"I'm not letting you out of my sight"
I never spoke out loud but all I was thinking was good luck, shortly after we arrived at the bull pen.
"Where did you put all of the other letters?"
"I'm not going to tell you"
"Tim, I'm not gonna let you kill yourself so you might as well tell me"
I didn't respond because I didn't plan on sticking around.
"I will just look for them then"
It didn't take Gibbs long to find Tony and Ziva's considering I didn't actually try to hide them, I left Ducky's and Palmer's on the desk in autopsy. I placed Abby's more carefully, it was underneath her stereo but unfortunately it was only the second place Gibbs looked.
If my life wasn't over before it was now.
"C'mon Tim, we're going to my place where I can keep an eye on you. I've just finished cleaning out the guest room"
"I am in charge of my own life, you can't make me stay at your house"
"Whether you like it or not you are stopping with me until you are not a suicide risk McGee. Besides, you are talking to Ducky tomorrow"
"No way"
"It's that or an NCIS shrink who can get you put on leave if they think you aren't up to field duty. Take your pick"
I decided to stay silent considering Gibbs looked like he needed coffee and it was 2:00am.
The ride to Gibbs' took a little under ten minutes in a taxi, I'm not sure where Gibbs hid the letters I wrote but I do have backups on my laptop if worst comes to worst and he doesn't give them back.
When we arrived Gibbs showed me to the guest room and set me out some clothes to get changed into and a drink, the clothes looked comfy compared to the suit I was wearing but I wasn't sticking around so I took a large gulp of water to throw Gibbs off track.
As soon as Gibbs left I checked the windows but I heard that Gibbs was in the kitchen and opened the door to check to see of coast was clear. When it was I tiptoed out and got to the front door when Gibbs noticed me.
"Tim, how can everything be that bad?"
"It jus- it just is, leave me alone, please"
"We can sort this Tim, you just need a little help"
"I'm pretty sure suicide risks aren't allowed to work at NCIS"
"Once you receive some help you won't be, me and Ducky won't tell anyone if that's what you want so you can still work"
"You really don't get it boss; I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to live"
"You can't think like that"
"I can and I will. The only reason I'm here is because you stopped me from jumping, by force"
"I didn't think you wanted an audience, I could and still should ring the director now and get you put on leave"
"Go ahead, it's not like that's a threat to me anymore, there's so many more ways for me to take my life and you can't watch me 24/7"
"I'd start listening if I were you because I'll just take you to the hospital and they can watch you 24/7"
"Why couldn't you just let me jump?"
"Because you are one of the best agents I have ever come across along with Tony and Ziva, besides I put sleeping tablets in your water so you won't get very far if you leave"
He was right but I didn't want him to know it so I just walked out of the front door and he followed. Due to the fact that I hadn't eaten the drugs took affect much quicker than both I and Gibbs expected. The last thing I remember was Gibbs catching me as I fell at the end of his street, he must have carried me back as when I woke up I was tucked up in a surprisingly comfy bed. Gibbs appeared to be asleep in the rocking chair by the side of the bed. I silently pulled the covers from the top of me and attempted to creep out.
"Don't try it McGee, I locked the front door and all of the windows, I suggest you change your clothes before work today"
"I'm not going to work, I'm not changing, I'm leaving this house if I have to break the doors down" I then stumbled and grabbed the door to regain my balance, Gibbs immediately jumped from his seat seeing what had happened.
"When was the last time you ate McGee?"
"Why would you want to know?"
"McGee spill!"
"Three days ago if you must know!"
Gibbs just sighed and helped me walk to the kitchen. He sat me down at the table and forced me to eat quite a large bowl of cereal after which I could barely move but Gibbs yet again had other ideas. He made me get changed into one of his old suits that for some reason fitted me however I noticed that Gibbs had no clocks in the house but he just explained that he runs off his body clock not by the time everyone else works to.
We had to get a taxi to HQ because Gibbs still hadn't retrieved his car but it didn't take that long to get there.
I stopped worrying about the time until we got to NCIS where I switched my computer on, it was 6:30am and the bull pen was empty.
When Gibbs sat down a few minutes later with coffee he looked surprised to see me still sitting there, he then received a phone call after which he called me up and we went to the elevator but to my surprise we didn't leave the building but we went down to autopsy then I knew what was coming.
When we arrived in autopsy Ducky didn't seem surprised to see us but still questioned Gibbs as to why we were here and he just said "I'll leave you to it"
After he left Ducky started talking to me "so Timothy, what does Jethro want us to talk about?"
"I don't know Ducky"
"Ok, let's start with why both of you are here and my car is the only one in the car park"
"I don't know what you're talking about"
"I'm sure Jethro would disagree. Timothy, if this is private I don't need to reassure you that I won't tell a soul"
"I do-don't wanna talk about it"
"What happened Timothy? What happened when you left work yesterday because you worked quite late and you were still here when I left?"
"According to Gibbs it was something stupid"
"What was it?"
"I stood on top of the multi-story car park"
"Well that isn't stupid in itself"
"I was on the other side of the rail, Gibbs found the letter I left on his desk early, he crept up on me and pulled me back over, and even when I tried to jump he wouldn't let me go"
"Ah, and you don't want to be alive now do you?"
"No, he locked all the windows and doors it his house and drugged me to make sure I slept"
"Well that is Jethro's way of dealing things even though what he did was wrong"
"What's the point in this, it's not gonna help"
"You would be surprised what talking can do"
"It doesn't work for me Ducky"
"It's always worth a shot"
"Well I've talked, can I go now?"
"I am not stopping you"
"Bye Ducky"
"Bye Timothy"
I then left autopsy to go to the top floor of HQ, normally there would be nobody around but today there was a security guard. I walked up to him and showed my ID to which the guard replied "Special Agent Gibbs stated that you were not to be let on the roof Sir"
"There must be a mistake"
"No mistake Sir"
I then went straight down to the bull pen, now I know what Gibbs said to the guard last night.
"Hey McProbie, where ya been?"
"Where's Gibbs?"
"I'm here McGee" Gibbs walked around the corner that exact second "ready to talk?"
He nodded for me to follow him to the elevator and I did, as soon as it started Gibbs flipped the switch.
"I don't suppose what you whispered to that security guard involved me and a roof did it"
"Oh yea, and you also don't get to leave the building without me"
"Are you trying to make my life worse?"
"No I'm trying to stop you committing suicide"
"By doing that you do make my life worse"
"And why is that?"
"Because life here is hell and you are just prolonging my suffering here"
"Stop talking like that because it isn't true and we can help, people can help, no matter who, I'm not letting you throw your life away"
"You must have been lying about wanting to take your life"
"I'm not Tim"
"You must be because you would know what it feels like to be here now and you wouldn't have stopped me from jumping"
"That's the very reason I stopped you from jumping, I thought if I could save myself from suicide I could stop you. That's obviously not the case! Go and jump off that roof if you want, I'll get you past the guards"
I stood there speechless, what was I waiting for, I wanted this didn't I?
"What ya waiting for McGee, do you want me to flip the switch myself?"
I completely froze, how could Gibbs be like this? Then I did something I have never done in front of Gibbs, I cried.
"We will get you through this Tim, no matter how hard we will get you through this"
I couldn't look him in the eye, I just felt awful, by now I was sat on the floor of the elevator with Gibbs at my eye level.
"Look at me Tim"
I couldn't, I was too embarrassed.
"C'mon Tim, lets stand up. Shall we visit Abby?"
"Yes" I replied in a whisper.
I saw the surprise cross Gibbs' face, a look you don't see often but it soon vanished. He flipped the elevator on and pressed the button for Abby's lab.
When we arrived there were still some tears rolling down from my eyes and Abby just embraced me in a massive hug asking no questions. It was half an hour later when I stopped crying Gibbs left immediately after he dropped me of though, guess he wasn't sticking around to hear my story again.
"What happened Timmy?"
"I've been stupid Abby"
"Tell me Tim, I can't help otherwise"
"I tried to commit suicide, Gibbs caught me, stopped by force, he handcuffed us together, took me to his house, drugged me, locked all the doors and windows then when I woke up made me get dressed and come to work today. As if he didn't put me through enough he made me talk to Ducky then somehow managed to get me break down into tears"
"Oh Timmy, you can always talk to me, always"
"I know Abby, I was really stupid"
"No Timmy, you were just a little lost"
Gibbs once again appeared out of nowhere speaking his thoughts "It was still stupid Abbs"
"Gibbs, unless you have Caf-Pow go away"
To my shock he bought Abby Caf-Pow and two coffees, one for me, one for him.
"I swear Ducky said something like talking helps didn't he McGee?"
"Yeah boss" I chuckled ever so quietly
"McGee you can always talk to any of us but Ducky is the best person to talk to unless you wanna see an NCIS shrink but it's up to you. Let's not let Tony know you're having the rest of the day off"
"Since when?"
"Since now, you're not coming on a case, you're helping Abby with a back log of evidence"
"But Gibbs we don't have a back-oh, I catch your drift Gibbs" I can't believe it took Abby that long to understand Gibbs' plan, it was quite funny. "So McGee what we gonna do now? We could talk about how you're feeling"
"Why don't you write about how you're feeling Tim?"
"I don't know how"
"Write about today"
"I'll try Abby"
Written by Tom
"Hey Abbs, I think I'm done"
"Wow that was fast"
"Yeah and it brings us right up to now"
"Can I read it?"
"Erm- I-I guess so b-but don't let Gibbs read it"
"Oh McGee, don't be so worried, we are gonna get through this"
"I know Abby" I just grinned at her as if everything was okay, it will be but just not yet.
A/N: Please review, always appreciate your thoughts and opinions :)
Remember to never give up. We all mean something to someone even if we don't know it yet.