AN- Hi! Ok, so...have just gone back through this after getting that TERRIBLE review from someone, and realised that the goblin quote was from something (I still can't remember what), and the only reason I didn't say that the first time was because...see, I have this problem, where I write things that I think come from my own head, but actually sometimes they DONT and I've just forgotten cos the thing was ages ago. SO I would really appreciate it if people could tell me if I do that and then I can add the appropriate disclaimers. Also, just so you know - I am neither Helen Fielding, nor JK Rowling (unfortunately), which you should be able to tell as I am not ROLLING IN IT. Thankyou.
Monday 15 April
8st 6(Actually gaining weight? Think is entirely possible. Must be the extra Quidditch practise Oliver makes us do. Bloody mad, he is.), status of Voldemort: alive (well. As alive as a soulless, bloodsucking monster can be. Unfortunate anyway. Should probably work out another brainless plan to kill him really. Haven't done anything for a couple of weeks. Is boring.), Girlfriends: 0 (honestly. Think am possibly the only man alive whose fame doesn't get him chicks. V. upsetting.)
6.45pm
I hate my life.
6.46pm
Wonder if it hurts to kill yourself.
6.47pm
Probably. Damn. Well, that plan sucks. Like my life.
6.48pm
Cannot believe how unlucky one guy can possibly be.
Is v. sad.
I mean, bloody people coming up to me all the time telling me I should be happy. They don't know what am going through.
Well, they should.
If were really serious fans, they would know all the tiny intricacies of my brain. Bloody wannabes.
I could show them a bit about crazy fan worship.
Just mention Draco Malfoy.
Is bloody delicious.
Not that would know, per se, as have never tasted the gorgeous man.
Oh. Just remembered.
He said the funniest thing today in Potions.
Snape was striding up and down classroom, as is wont to do.
Then Draco says, in that lovely drawly voice he has that makes me slobber everywhere, "Potions is the most boring class in the world."
Then he turned around and flicked a snail shell at me.
Had to control myself from laughing.
Obviously would not look good if laughed at Draco Malfoy as is "arch nemesis".
But, I mean, how hilarious is he?
The whole world?
Really, so boring that there is no other class anywhere in the world?
Riotous.
Nearly coughed up mucus was trying so hard not to laugh.
He looked at me strangely but think he conceded I was just a mental case.
Sad really, as is so gorgeous and I will never ever be with him.
Even though am Harry Potter.
Cannot believe it.
I hate my life.
6.52pm
Am v. tired. Think should sleep now. Am already in bed, so would only be a matter of turning over and closing eyes. Should do that.
6.57pm
Oh, though. Is only v. early.
6.58pm
Would ruin reputation.
6.59pm
Stupid reputation. Stupid fame. Stupid life.
7.00pm
Stupid…everything.
7.01pm
Wonder what it would be like to not be in the Depths of Despair.
7.02pm
Boring, probably.
7.06pm
Alright. Wallowing is always fun, but have decided need to take action. Brainless plot to get rid of Voldemort is in order.
7.07pm
Am so brave. Saying his name like that. Am like a…martyr. No, though. That's not the right word.
7.09pm
Bloody word. Evading me like that.
7.10pm
Feel stupid.
7.11pm
Brainless, dim-witted, idiotic, dumb, unintelligent, dense, slow, thick.
7.12pm
Ha! Take that, people who call me stupid! I am like my very own thesaurus. Smashing, another big word. Thesaurus. Makes me feel intelligent.
7.13pm
Right, brainless plot…hmm….
7.14pm
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
7.16pm
Stupid Ron, giving me a heart attack.
7.17pm
On second thoughts….Do that again, Ron!
7.18pm
Dammit. Bloody idiot didn't hear me. Too busy humming 'no woman no cry'.
7.29pm
DAMNABLE HUMMING. Need to throttle something. Preferably Ron.
7.32pm
Right. Plot. Thinking.
7.33pm
Got it! Will…oh though. Would involve too many forks.
7.34pm
Could perhaps use spoons and forks…?
7.35pm
But where would I get so much cutlery?
7.36pm
Enough of that plan. Is obviously not daft enough.
7.37pm
Ha! Thought of another synonym! Am so smart!
7.40pm
Hm. Brainless plot…Ah, got one! Will set up an intricate series of ropes and pulleys, designed to drop an anvil at the exactly right moment on VOLDEMORT'S HEAD!
7.41pm
Am v. brilliant.
7.42pm
Oh though. Where is Voldemort?
7.43pm
Okay. I know. Instead of that, will lure Voldemort to Hogsmeade, with promises of sweets and me, dead. Should do the trick. Then, will be waiting outside Honeydukes in invisibility cloak and when He Who Must Die A Very Painful Death At My Hands arrives, will get out wand and PAMF! Dead Dark Lord.
7.44pm
Like that plan.
7.45pm
Tomorrow will ask Her Bushy Haired-ness to read up on what sweets Voldemort likes. Should be somewhere.
7.58pm
Stupid Ron. Thinking he is so good. Just came in to tell me that should come down to dinner. Obviously does not want me there really, but Hermione would have said something to him along the lines of; "if you don't get him down here in two seconds, Ronald, I will not snog you for AGES! Like, TWENTY MINUTES."
7.59pm
Because they are constantly snogging. In case you didn't get that. I mean, it could have been just because I'm extra smart, and I understand these things. Anyway.
8.00pm
I hate my life. I wish someone would understand the pain I am going through right now. This is no normal teenage angst – this is full blown clinical depression, just so you know.
8.01pm
Ron just came back in. He sits down on the bed and starts talking to me in that slow voice like "let's be the loveliest person in the entire room for no fathomable reason even though really I am dumb as a dung beetle."
8.02pm
Actually, dung beetles aren't all that dumb. They make stuff out of DUNG. That's pretty cool. So, like, dumb as a flobber worm or something.
8.03pm
Anyways. So he goes; "Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry."
Hate when he repeats my name. Makes me feel like some kind of weird Extra Person who has been replicated multiple times, or possibly Dolly the Sheep.
So then he goes; "Harry. We need to talk. About…" and then waved his hands around expressively because obviously had no idea what was supposed to be talking to me about, but Hermione must have threatened him with a snog-less hour or something. And then he yells down the stairs "HERMIONE! GET UP HERE! I CAN'T TALK TO HIM! HE JUST GAVE ME THE EVIL EYE AND THEN TRIED TO STRANGLE HIMSELF WITH THE BED CORD!" in a wild panic.
I mean, what kind of idiot can't deal with a tiny problem like that? Obviously has brain difficulties.
Anyway. So Hermione comes madly rushing up the stairs in manner of Prince Charming to rescue Damsel in Distress, possibly from dragon or other such distress causing thing – in this case, witnessing my death by bed clothes.
And she hurls herself across the room and untangles me, ignoring my protests that actually, would prefer to die.
Then she sits me back down on the bed, making sure to keep the duvet out of reach (damn her). She takes my hand and looks at me seriously.
"Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry."
Oh god. Here we go.
"We're scared for you, Harry. You're constantly trying to top yourself, and personally I don't think that's good for your health."
You think?
"Why are you so depressed Harry? You can tell me…"
"Alright." I say, glaring at Ron, who scuttles off into a corner.
"My life is crap." I start, but she, being the rude person she is, interrupts me.
"It's not SO bad, Harry! You have us, after all."
Yeah, right. And that's really making me feel better.
"Anyway. As I was saying. I was bought up in a cupboard. Which has, if you haven't already noticed, caused STUNTING, not to mention claustrophobia and an increasingly bad fear of bacon."
"What has that got to do with…?"
"Shh! My parents are dead, and I had to WITNESS that, which, I think, has caused me also to have a terrible phobia of green lights (which isn't good when I have to cross the road) and wands (which isn't good because I am a wizard), oh, and also makes me a bit scared of death by Dark Lord. But not so much as the green lights. Or bacon."
"I still don't see…"
"AND! When I was being brutally attacked by that guy who actually turned out to be my Godfather…what was his name…?"
"Sirius?"
"Right. I think that caused some deeply rooted phobias from my past to rear their ugly heads. For example – death by big black scary dog thing ripping my intestines out and skwiffing them all out on the floor, death by being held at wand point, and also, bacon."
"I…"
Coughed loudly to show I wasn't done.
"And THEN, I got a progressively worse apprehension regarding isolation."
Smiled because had just used four v. big words in one sentence.
"Then when he LEFT, I was just like, 'wow! My godfather, I had him, and then…I didn't' and it was like a….like an epiphany, because I realised that everyone I loved was going to leave me eventually."
"Oh, Harry…"
"SHUT UP, WOMAN!"
Took in a couple of calming breaths. Wish she would stop interrupting.
"And now, I'm just…so lonely. Plus, I mean, am constantly surrounded by FREAKING GOBLINS AND SHIT!"
"But they're magical goblins, Harry!" Ron piped up from the corner.
Threw a brick at him.
It missed and made a hole in the wall.
Dammit.
"That doesn't stop me from thinking they'll come into my room and tear all my skin off like in some kind of freaky alien movie!"
I yelled back, after Ron had stopped shielding his head.
Then Hermione hugged me extremely tightly so that I could hardly breathe, let alone tell her to get the hell away from me, and started telling me all the reasons why I should be happy and how much everyone loved me and blah, blah, blah.
Which was just really, really, crashingly, fist-eatingly boring.
8.46pm
I think I'll kill them tonight.