Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I knew that.
~ Chapter One ~
~ "You never know what you had until you lose it." ~
The weather had a way of fitting the mood perfectly, those who attended the funeral that day would think about how the delicate drops of snow that fell around them would always stick in their minds, the way the whole thing seemed to fit so perfectly.
The snow fell quickly around everyone, coating the ground instantaneously as everyone carried on walking towards the church in front of them. Their footsteps made marks in the white blanket, but the snow carried on falling and before anyone knew it, any trace of their steps had been covered.
There was one girl who hung behind everyone else, tears falling down her face softly as she looked down at the ground, wishing she could bury herself in the snow and hide away from the whole world. She bit down on her lower lip as she tried to take one step forward, telling herself it was only a few more steps until she was in the warm church but for some reason, she couldn't bare to move.
Her body trembled as she placed one foot in front of the other as slowly as she possibly could, hoping that maybe if she took long enough then she wouldn't have to go in there and this whole day would be one huge nightmare.
The tears started to fall heavier and heavier as she placed her foot in front of her once more, the church was only a step away now and then it would be true, she wouldn't be able to deny it anymore.
She looked around her, wrapping her arms around herself before collapsing onto her knees, hot, heavy tears ran down her ashen face, carving their way down as her chest ached with loud, heartbreaking sobs that she finally let out. Her hand clutched at her top as she tried to stop it from hurting, as she tried her best to stop the pain but nothing could work – he was gone, and that was it.
She wanted to curl up and die right there and then, wanting the snow to just cover her like a huge blanket, suffocating her so she could join him. She shook her head at the thought though, she had people that loved her, she had people who cared about her – she wouldn't be able to leave them.
She heaved a deep sigh as someone put their hand on her shoulder, looking up at the man as he smiled weakly at her before grabbing her hand to help her up. She muttered a thank you, not knowing what else to say to someone she had hardly spoken to before all of this happened.
She nodded at him as she inhaled sharply, biting down hard on her lower lip as she closed her eyes for a second and took that final step. The warm air hit her immediately, shocking her a little as she longed to be in the cold, she felt closer to him out there. She shook it off though, he would have wanted her here.
Her legs shook as she walked down the long isle, sitting away from everyone else as she wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees when she sat down. She wanted to close her eyes and think about something else, anything else, she wanted to remember the time they argued, she wanted relive the memory of him telling her he loved her, she wanted to recall the time when he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him and she wanted to treasure their wedding day for as long as she possibly could.
Her eyes trailed down to the front, where she should be sitting but she couldn't bare to be that close to the coffin, to his cold, dead body. She shuddered at the thought, it was safe over here, close enough to know what was going on but far enough to not be able to feel him laying in that box.
She didn't dare move throughout the whole service, staring blankly ahead of her as she rocked herself back and forth slightly, listening to the words but never really hearing them until her name was being called.
Her heart started to beat louder and louder until she was sure everyone else could hear it thumping against her chest, tears glazed her eyes as she shook her head. She gulped a little when a familiar blonde girl walked over to her, taking her friends hand in hers and helping her up – both of them knew she had to do this.
Tears flowed down her face as she walked down the isle, remembering all too well the last time she had been here – her wedding day. She looked around, it would never be the church in which she had the happiest day of her life, it was now the church where all her nightmares had come true.
Her lip trembled as she turned to face everyone, clearing her throat, she shut her eyes for a small moment, not wanting to look at all those faces staring back at her – the faces of people who loved him and people he loved back, the faces of his friends and family, the faces of people he had spoken to and laughed with, the faces of those connected with him, all of them a small piece of his life.
She knew her voice too well, she knew that as soon as she spoke all the control she had at the moment would break and she would breakdown in front of everyone. But she knew she had to do this, if not for herself, then for him.
"I-I..." She trailed off, a small blush creeping onto her cheeks as she stuttered over her first words, tears now falling freely down her face, dripping onto the stand in front of her, "I don't really have anything planned to say to you all..." She gulped,
"I-I l-loved him so much.. too much some of you might say... he-he was everything to me, he was my world.. the only constant in my life and I r-really don't know how to cope without him." She turned to face that dreaded box, knowing that the love of her life was in there,
"I actually hated him when we first met but even then there was something there.. something between us that I can't even being to explain. But, I just felt d-drawn to him, I needed him there next to me.. I relied on our daily arguments.. I think I loved him even back then..." She paused, taking a moment to look around at the swarm of faces, all staring at her, some sobbed, some cried onto the persons next to them shoulder, others stared at her with tears running down their pale faces.
"We only got married two years ago but to us.. it felt like a lifetime... we loved each other so much, we knew everything about the other and.. it was perfect. We would still have our daily arguments, they were kind of our thing..." She laughed a little, shaking her head before looking down at the floor,
"I can't even begin to tell you what I will miss about him the most but I will miss everything he ever did for me.. I will miss the way he would hold me when I cried, I will miss the way I would wake up in the morning and find him staring at me, I miss the way he would get me anything I wanted, even if I begged him not to.. I will miss the way he would kiss me whenever he could... but most of all I will miss the way he loved me." She took a deep breath, tears falling down her cheeks as she spoke,
"I didn't think finding a love like that would be possible but he proved me wrong in every single way and I have no idea what I am going to do without him... I don't think there is a life without him if I'm honest... I just... I-I miss him so much that it hurts, I close my eyes every night and I see him there and I just want to stay with him, I would do anything to go back and make sure I knew what was going on... I would do anything to bring him back to me.." She put her hand over her mouth as her friend quickly stood up to wrap her arms around her shaking body, soothing her quietly as they walked back to her seat.
The woman shook as she sobbed quietly, gripping onto her friend as though she was a lifeline, reminding her that life went on, life carried on and on, it doesn't matter who dies – even if it's the love of your entire life – people move on and they expect you to do the same. But how could she, when there was no need to anymore?
It wasn't long before she found herself standing outside once more, the snow falling down as she wrapped her arms around herself, pretending it was him for a second before she saw the coffin, a lone tear fell down her face as it was lowered into the newly dug hole in the ground, bumping against the sides a little before finally landing on the ground with a large thump.
She jumped at the sound, gulping a little as she dug her nails into her skin, wanting to be able to feel something other than the heartbreak she could feel right then. The snow carried on falling, coating the white coffin with an extra later of pure white, just another blanket to keep the person inside a little safer.
She could hear people crying once more as soon as the coffin had hit the ground, she stared down at the box for a little while half expecting the person to jump out and tell them it was all a horrible joke, and then she would hit him and tell him how much she hated him. It would take a week or so but she would forgive him. She would rather that happen at the moment, wanting it to be one sick joke instead of the real thing.
After a little while she watched as people started to leave, some leaning down to place a flower onto the coffin, while others chucked a small amount of dirt onto the perfect blanched surface.
But she stayed, despite the snow, the harsh wind and the bitter cold, she stayed there and stared down at the hole, wondering what he looked like in there, if there would be any sign of the handsome man he once was.
That's my husband in there, locked inside that small space without a mirror. Slowly being buried in the ground.. that's my husband.
She felt someone walk up behind her, putting a hand on her shaking shoulder, she looked behind her and nodded at the person, "Come on, let's go get you into the warm." She nodded, biting down on her lip as the man wrapped his arm around her waist and led her over to the cars.
"Thanks Nico." She whispered as he helped her into the car, nodding at his friend as he climbed in after her. She put her head on his shoulder as they drove away, looking back at the hole as tears streamed down her face, she wondered for a moment if the pain would ever stop, if the tears would ever stop falling or if her heart would ever heal. Then again, she thought, probably not.
A/N: Not sure if this is worth carrying on, I have major ideas for this story but I don't seem to be getting many readers lately, I think you're all going off me. XD But yeah, please read and review and let me know what you think.