A/N: Okay y'all, I know you don't like non-EO from me, but this is going to be a FUN FUN songfic. Just for the purposes of this, let's say Liv and Elliot were together before she went to Oregon. They broke up when she left with the possibility of getting back together when she returned. If you haven't heard "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" by Miranda Lambert, just picture Liv and Dani. Two words. Bar. Fight. By the way, this is pretty OOC. R&R XO, Kinsey
Disclaimer: Only my overactive imagination is mine. If I had anything else, before Liv left (after she told captain she was going to wait awhile to come back), she would have gone out into the squad room and beat Dani's ass. Just sayin'.
--
As I parked my Navigator next to the black mustang with its cutesy "DET DANI" license plates, my mind flashed back to the conversation I'd had with my best friend Casey earlier that day.
"Are you really going to do this?"
"Yep. I'm not going to hurt her, Casey, I just want her to know I'm around."
"Great. Psycho ex girlfriend is a good look for you, Liv."
I laughed. "You can still come with me if you want," I offered.
"As much as I'd like to see you grind her face into the ground, I'm going to take a big pass. I don't really want to explain to my husband why his ADA wife is calling him from jail."
"John would understand, Case. And like I said, I'm not planning on going to jail."
"Still. I'd rather not take that chance, thank you. Even if John understands, I'm not really sure I want to explain it to Branch."
"Valid point. Still not going to jail, but okay."
"Call me when it's over," she said, wrapping me into a hug.
"I will. Thanks for having my back, Case," I said dryly.
"Hey. Elliot's sposda have your back. This is not my area of expertise."
I rolled my eyes. "You're my best friend Casey. If I want to go beat the shit out of Elliot's new girlfriend, that most certainly is your area of expertise when it comes to having my back."
"I thought you weren't going to touch her."
"Good-bye Casey." I groaned. "I'll call you."
This was the fifth bar I'd been to, and quite frankly, I was a little surprised. I didn't think he'd have the balls to bring her to Maloney's. This was our bar. Well, whatever. I slid the gearshift into park and got out of my SUV, stopping for just a second, contemplating bringing the gun I'd stuck under my seat. I chastised myself for the stupid thought and slammed the car door.
Heading into the bar, I was met with warm hellos from a few, sweet "welcome back Liv" from some, and "holy fuck wait till she sees who's with Elliot" stares from most everyone. I smiled warmly at everyone who acknowledged me and chose to ignore the rest of them. I glanced over to the pool table and wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or cry. There was little "Det. Dani," all over my fucking boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Still. Whore. Elliot grinned charmingly at her as he took the last shot to clear the table and managed to sink the 8 ball. He was one hell of a pool shark. His reward, apparently, was a kiss from the frizzy haired hooker hanging all over him. I turned away before my stomach could make the decision to puke for me.
"Hey Mike," I greeted the bartender.
"Hey, Olivia. How ya doin?" he asked, glancing in Elliot's direction.
"Been better," I said honestly.
"I don't think it's serious," Mike mentioned.
I nodded slowly and shrugged, trying to appear like I could give a crap less. "Can I get a bottle of MGD?" I ordered.
"Sure thing," Mike replied. When he turned to grab my beer from the cooler, I looked up to find her staring straight at me.
Hey slut. Bet you didn't think I'd show up here, did you?
Deciding that those words might not be the best for the situation, instead I said, "You must be the infamous Dani Beck."
"Have we met?" she asked.
I stuck out my hand. "Olivia Benson. Elliot's girlfriend. Well. Ex-girlfriend, apparently."
Well it took me five bars, some thirty license plates
I saw her mustang and my eyes filled up with rage
Well I brought my pistol, but I ain't some kind of fool
So I walked right in barehanded, she was on his arm while he was playin' pool
Just like I used to do
She kissed him while I got a beer, well she didn't think I'd show up here
I'm a crazy ex-girlfriend
She looked stunned for a moment, then suddenly turned and walked away.
"Here's your beer, Liv," Mike said, catching my attention again.
"Thanks," I responded, taking a long swallow from the clear bottle. I turned on my bar stool and watched Dani saunter back over to the pool table and Elliot, her hips sashaying the whole way. Nice. A cheap whore. Fun. She got back to Elliot and put her hand on his bicep, taking his attention from where he was racking the balls for another game of pool. The look on her face spoke volumes. Her eyes grazed over his body like she could see beneath his clothes. Just like I used to look at him. It made me wonder if she'd seen him naked even half as many times as I had. What a bitch.
Elliot glanced up at me, and his face went white. I waggled my fingers at him, hoping to get the message of "glad you missed me, you fucker" across. He turned his attention back to Dani and smoothed a hand over her frizzy hair, like he was trying to placate one of his kids. She looked at me and smiled triumphantly. I just shook my head and turned back to the bar.
"Everything okay, Liv?" Mike asked.
"Fine," I replied.
"How's your beer?"
"Good. So. How long they been coming here?" I asked.
Mike held up his hands in a defensive gesture. "I'm not getting in the middle of it, detective," he said.
"C'mon, Mike. Jesus Christ, why's everyone think I'm ready to kill the little bitch?"
"Who said I thought that?" he asked. "And if I did, which I don't, it would probably have something to do with your attitude."
"She's a slut."
"That very well may be, Liv, but that doesn't mean I want her blood spattered all over the walls. Ya got me?" he asked gently.
"I got ya," I said defensively. I turned my back to the bar again, my eyes going to the pool table automatically. Dani had herself wrapped around Elliot, her hand caressing his package right there in the middle of the bar.
"She's dead," I say, grabbing a half empty glass off the bar and striding across the room.
I watched her for a while but I didn't like her walk
She came across kinda cheap to me, but hey, how's that my fault
She looked at my man like he didn't have on a stitch
Somebody tell that girl to step up to the plate, i'm gonna pitch
Little bitch
Them pretty girls can play their game
But their damn well gonna know my name
I'm a crazy ex-girlfriend
When I got to the pool table I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, Dani?" I asked. She turned to me and her eyes widened as I tossed the liquid in the glass in her direction.
"YOU BITCH!" she screamed, a violent look coming across her face.
Well, shit. Maybe there would be a trip to jail involved in tonight's events.
"I'm going to kick your ass!" Dani threatened.
"Only two things standing in your way, sister. Fear and good judgment," I warned. "But if you're feeling brave, well then," I shrugged and smirked at her. "Bring it."
She lunged for me, and I grabbed her blonde ponytail, effectively blocking her advance. "Don't fuck with me, little girl. You won't win."
I glanced up at Elliot, looking to see if he was going to make a move to keep me from pounding her scrawny ass. He stood there, mouth agape, and it looked like he could hardly believe what was going on. The people around us all stared, it was very rare that I became this enraged. I'm always the "good" cop. I shoved Dani away and marched up to Elliot, getting an inch from his face.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" I asked.
He stood there and stared at me, apparently me jerking his little slut around by her frizzy ponytail rendered him speechless. Who knew?
"Liv, don't do this," he said, just as Dani tried to land a sucker punch to my side. I elbowed her in the mouth, sending her reeling back, blood splashing from her lip. As the blood was draining from Beck, it was Elliot's face that was losing color.
"Don't do what?" I asked sweetly. "Beat the hell out of the bitch who's all over my man?"
"What happened to you, Liv? You're not like this."
"What happened to me? What happened to you? And just what in the fuck are you doing with her?" I looked down to where his tramp sat on the floor, still clutching her hand over her mouth. I rolled my eyes at her "kicked puppy" expression and turned my attention back to Elliot.
"I… I… I don't know what to say," he stuttered. "I missed you, and Dani was there, and I just," Elliot shrugged.
"That's all you have to say?"
"What do you want me to say? You show up here, go completely ape shit, start beating the crap out of Dani? Forgive me for being a little surprised."
I shook my head and turned to leave, glancing at Elliot over my shoulder.
"Well, you know what they say about a woman scorned, Elliot. Go to hell."Well I started throwin' things and I scared folks half to deathI got up in his face and smelled whiskey on his breathI didn't give a second thought to being thrown in jailCause baby to hammer everything looks like a nailAnd I was mad as hellWell them pretty girls their all the sameBut their damn well gonna know my nameI'm a crazy ex-girlfriendWell those pretty girls can play their game but their damn well gonna know my name I'm a crazy ex-girlfriend
--
A/N: What'd you think? I've had this almost done for a while, just finished it up tonight! Let me know! XO, Kinsey