Disclaimer: I own nothing
Summary: There was just something about Gibbs that made you want to put that man on a pedestal. But honestly, he didn't belong up there. No one, deserved to be so high above them that they appeared to be all-powerful. But he was up there anyway, until he jumped off. He wasn't pushed, he just up and jumped. So why can't Tony fit back in like before? Post Hiatus
I Had You On A Pedestal
It was a wonderful day. Not weather wise, but as far as mentality went it was great. So as Anthony DiNozzo was standing out over a bridge, ignoring the looming storm and ominous clouds that were gathering, he felt a small piece of understanding settle in his soul. He ignored everything that was going on around him, and just stared out over the water and leaned casually against the finally understood.
There had been a certain question that had been plaguing him since Gibbs returned, and he finally figured out what it was and found his answer.
You see, Gibbs' entire return was horribly wrong and back stabbing, but Tony had tried to move on. And he had exceeded quite well. He knew why Gibbs had left, he understood his need to get away and was happy to keep his seat warm while he was gone. But the way he came back destroyed him. None the less, he had been forcing himself to deal with it and just live and let live and was doing everything he could to forgive him and move on.
The one thing he couldn't understand though, was why things weren't the same as they used to be. Sure there was that thing –aka mustache– that was sitting on top of Gibbs' lip, but that wasn't it. There was something else going on that was stopping him from molding back into his place on Team Gibbs.
It hadn't been that obvious, until that day. Said day, consisted of Gibbs screaming at him that he needed to follow his orders and his teammates mocking him more than usual. But something good came out of that day, he looked around. Like truly, looked around and took in everything that was going on around him. And what he saw, made his heart sink. His teammates weren't who they were while Gibbs was gone.
Sure in the beginning they had been terrible, insubordinate agents who were doing whatever they could to tear him down, but they had changed towards the end. Tim had stepped up and put himself out there, no more was the stuttering probie who almost wet himself when Gibbs glared at him. He was becoming his own man, and Tony couldn't help the pride that filled him to see Tim grow like that. Ziva had opened up and become less closed off around them, even going so far as to suggesting her ideas even though they might be wrong. And Tony was happy that she trusted them enough to let them see the real her.
But when he looked around now, those people were gone. Tim was back to his probie ways and Ziva was more closed off than ever. And it hurt Tony, more than he could understand and more than he wanted to.
And then he saw the way they looked at Gibbs. Like Gibbs was someone better than them, not by agent status but by human status. Like he was some kind of god or hero. Now don't get him wrong, Gibbs was certainly a hero and he knew that and believed it with every fiber in his being. But there was only one God, and it certainly wasn't Gibbs.
Then came the realization that he had been just like Tim and Ziva. Or getting closer to that at least. Before Gibbs had left, Tony had been starting to look at Gibbs that way. He was taking the more than frequent head slaps and the barbed comments that hurt more than it was funny. He had started to follow blindly, and he didn't do that with anyone. Not even Gibbs.
He could understand needing to in the field, and he knew how critical it was to not second guess your commanding officer when it really counted. But he couldn't just be expected to do whatever anyone said whenever they said it. He just wasn't wired that way.
He wasn't exactly sure when it started, but Gibbs had started to seem less human after Kate's death. That was still a touchy subject for everyone, but it felt like it hit him the hardest. So to see Gibbs, still pushing on like nothing had ever happened, it warped his viewing of the man. Not by much, but it was still just enough.
And when he realized this, he realized the problem. He couldn't follow blindly, never had, never would. The problem was that he couldn't follow Gibbs like the man wanted him to.
Gibbs wanted to be in complete control of the team, to prove that he was the leader, and no one else could do his job. That he was the alpha male, and Tony was his loyal lackey who did whatever he said. The man who when Gibbs said jump, would start jumping and go as high as he possibly could, push his limits to the extreme and not stop until Gibbs told him to. The man who would do absolutely anything to get at least one word of praise from his boss.
But he wasn't that man anymore. That man had died months ago, and he wasn't going to come back just because Gibbs wanted him to. And that was the answer. He was never going to be able to fit back in like everyone wanted, he could not and would not be the old Tony again. And that was why he didn't fit in. Why he felt like he no longer belonged anywhere and no longer had a place to call home and a group of people to call his friends, his family.
And while all those thoughts were morbid and depressing, it was the truth and he finally saw it. He was a trained investigator, he was paid to figure out confusing puzzles and to see the truth, even when others didn't want to. And that was exactly what he was doing now.
So with those final thoughts, he started to walk home, comforted in the knowledge that he finally understood the problem, and knew the solution. Now he just needed to figure out what he was going to do with this new information.
Let me know what you think! May or may not continue, depending on what you guys think :)