Parodeity…
…a fic of not-so-wanted advice and attempts at humor.
Welcome to the inaugural chapter of Parodeity, a parody-style Warriors fanfic aimed at providing short and sweet (hopefully) advising themes in the form of short stories so does not throw a hissy fit.
In honor of some pretty exemplary Bad!fics and one of their best qualities, I will be starting off with names.
The first four chapters or so will address different parts of warrior naming. If I can think of more, I'll continue until I run out of ideas for this section. I'm always open to reader submission!
Without further ado…
Frolicking through the moonlight trees, Robinfoot thought of how her sister, Whitefur was almost at kitting time. Madgeflight, Thunderclan's medicine cat had examined the small white she-cat yesterday before night fell, and declared that Whitefur would surely kit within the next two moonrises. Robinfoot was taking quite a risk, night hunting at a time like this, if she wanted to see the kits birth.
The nursery had gotten quite stifling, though, and Robinfoot had decided that she needed a quick run to stretch out her legs and also to get away from Hawkstripe, Whitefur's fretting mate. The gray and black tabby tom seemed to take up half the nursery in the way he paced and anxiously waited.
Deciding that she would surely be missed by now, Robinfoot sighed, picked up the three unlucky mice that had practically jumped into her claws, and started the run back to the hollow. By the time she came within twenty fox-lengths of the camp, her pricked ears picked up the tortured wailing of a she-cat. Whitefur must be kitting! Robinfoot thought eagerly, and sprinted the remaining distance through the thorn barrier. Seeing many a cat out, unable to sleep through the kitting, she tossed her catch at a black tom and hurried into the nursery, arriving just in time to see the last kit be born.
Madgeflight, seeing her enter, immediately pushed a calico kit towards Robinfoot and ordered her to lick its fur the wrong way to warm it up. Robinfoot did as she said, marveling as the young she-cat (she-kit?) opened her small jowls to yowl an announcement to the world that she was there. As soon as the kit looked fit to suckle, Robinfoot pawed her over to Whitefur's belly.
"They're all beautiful." Robinfoot mewed, watching as all five kits wiggled and pushed each other out of the way in their quest to suckle. "Have you decided on names?"
"Not quite y-" Hawkstripe, the kits' father started to meow, but Whitefur cut him off. "Indeed I have."
Whitefur, already feeling better after her kitting, raised her thin white tail and used it to point in each kit in turn.
"This black one right here will be Blackberrykit, and this stripey-one will be Wintergreenkit, and this white one will be Oak…leafkit and-"
"Honey, those are a bit long, aren't they-" Hawkstripe started to speak, but Whitefur ignored him and continued to list.
"This gray one will be Chamomilekit and finally this one right here will be Blackandwhitekit."
"Well, then- erm" Robinfoot twisted her whiskers, trying to find something positive to say. "I like the Chama- Choma- Cama- Chamomile one." In a low voice, she added, "what a mouthful."
"Oh, and they're all she-cats too. How nice." Robinfoot added.
FLASH FORWARD TWELVE MOONS
Coldstar, a powerful gray and white tom, stood proud up on the high ledge, gazing down prideful on his strong and healthful clan. He was to make five new warriors today.
"I, Coldstar, leader of Thunderclan, call upon my warrior ancestors to look down on this apprentice. She has trained hard to understand the ways of your noble code and I commend her to you as a warrior in her turn. Blackandwhitepaw, do you promise to uphold the warrior code and to protect and defend your Clan, even at the cost of your life?"
"I do."
"Then by the powers of StarClan I give you your warrior name. Blackandwhitepaw, from this moment you will be known as Blackandwhitefur. Starclan honors your quickness of thought and your quite unheard-of hunting abilities and we welcome you as a full warrior of Thunderclan."
Blackandwhitefur stepped back to line up with her sisters: Chamomileshine, Oakleafleap, Wintergreeneyes and Blackberrypool.
"Blackberrypool, Wintergreeneyes, Oakleafleap, Chama- Choma, Cama, Chamomile-" Most of the Clan cats stopped trying to pronounce the names and instead just yowled their approval. They were oh-so happy to have five strong new she-cats in the clan to help protect their borders, even if their names were far too long.
FLASHFORWARD ONE MOON
"Coldstar!" Blackandwhitefur howled as she skidded into camp.
"What, Blackberryshi-, no sorry you're Blackandwhitefur. What, then? Is there an emergency?"
"Yes! It's Chama- Choma, Cama, Chamomel, Chamamile, Chamomilesheen! No shine! Chamomileshine! She's fallen into the lake and she can't swim!"
"Oh no!" Coldstar fretted. "We must sent a patrol to help her at once! Wintergreeneyes, Oakleafleap, take your apprentices Newleafpaw and Bonfirepaw and save Chama, Chomo, Chamomeal- oh just whatever! Go to the lake and save the cat that's drowning!"
"Right away!"
Sadly, by the time Wintergreeneyes, Oakleafleap, Newleafpaw and Bonfirepaw had reached the lake, Chamomileshine was no where to be seen. In the extra minutes Coldstar had needed to say the warriors's names, she had sunk below the surface.
Moral of the Parodeity: Don't give your OCs long prefixes. You could save lives.
Yes, I have seen a Chamomilekit, a Blackandwhitepelt, a Blackberrystar and last but not least a Bonfireblaze. None are mistakes, but they are quite the mouthful!
Warrior names are typically short and sweet... i.e. Snowfur, Runningwind, Graystripe, Sandstorm...
So, not my best attempt at humor, but it's going to be a work in progress. Please leave a review with ideas you have, I'd be pleased to have them. Also any tips, tricks... whatever :)
PS: the problem with litters being all she-cat is a fanfiction epidemic. come on people: toms have to come from somewhere!
until the next naming "atrocity"
clearflight out