DISCLAIMER: You think I own it? I laugh in your face. Ha-ha-ha.
The summary is actually a quote. The quote is not mine. The quote is credited to Rita Mae Brown. I don't claim ownership of this phrase and I never will.
Shiawase
"Tezuka, I love you."
Sad and somber eyes survey the landscape. The wind blew it all away long ago, leaving nothing behind with bare, naked cruelty. Here, there is no truth. Tezuka resented it the day that he realized how it all happened. Skimming his fingers across the cheek of the one laying next to him, he sighs. Why is it all like this? Why does it have to be so sad? Tezuka is known for his ability to hold sadness out of the way and stay completely serious. That doesn't stop him from experiencing actual sadness. In fact, the pain is sometimes magnified. Tezuka bears his pain alone. Nobody else is allowed to see it.
Why? For that, Tezuka knows of consequences. Dreadful consequence cut deeper than anything else, far deeper than the initial pain itself.
"Kunimitsu…"
The name is like a soft exhale, softer than wind blowing across his ear. Even as lovers, they rarely use their first names with each other. Something about it makes Tezuka shiver, and he momentarily can't breath. Maybe he wants to deny it, the feeling that he's allowed somebody closer to him than ever before. Tezuka may be able to deal with pain, but intimacy is another subject. While Fuji is so… open about the entire ordeal, he's still cautious, and always serious.
I love everything about you.
Ice blue eyes gaze upward, blank and emotionless. Tezuka brushes a few strands of thin hair back out of his eyes. No matter how strong of a bond they wished to form, it would be futile. While the world was torn apart, try as they might they wouldn't be able to cling together in the end. Enigmatic fate kept them from that. Up until now, Tezuka didn't believe in fate. Now he could feel it tugging on his heart. They weren't supposed to be together in the first place; they were meant to be rivals.
Yet somehow… I hate everything about you. You're my enemy.
"I love you," The statement was a dare, trying to get Tezuka to react in any sort of way. A moment of silence had passed, and afterwards, Tezuka pressed his lips to Fuji's taking firm hold of the boy's chin so he wouldn't squirm, not that Tezuka expected very much of that. However, one can tell a lot about a person by kissing them. Tezuka's kiss is filled with fervid passion, but nothing to signal any sort of greater feelings. It was instead, Tezuka that was filled with a greater agony. Fuji always seemed to have his way with the other man, and now Tezuka could taste the disappointment on his lips. The bitter taste bit at his tongue, but he was ensnared within the warmth of Fuji's lips and couldn't pull away.
"Why do you expect so much of me?"
"Why do you let logic hold you back?" That was a counter in form of a question, stronger than any other.
"That which you cannot understand shouldn't be pursued."
A wry chuckle, and Fuji shifted from the ground so he was sitting. Now eye-level with Tezuka, he smiled a little. The smile wasn't anything that wasn't typical of him, but when Fuji leaned forward and brushed a light kiss to Tezuka's cheek, the man shuddered. And why is that? Fuji would've asked if the time were better. The fact that neither could understand it didn't mean that it shouldn't be pursued. At least, that was his opinion. Never before had he let the beliefs of others hold him back, and he wasn't about to right now.
"Then why did you kiss me in the first place?"
"Curiosity got the better of me."
"Why didn't you stop then? Were your instincts flawed?"
Tezuka shakes his head and grabs Fuji by the shoulders suddenly, pulling him close enough that Fuji is practically sitting in his lap. Don't test me like this! Tezuka is far too serious, and won't listen to his instincts for once. Doesn't he dream? Fuji often wonders that. Hasn't he ever fantasized about the sort of thing? Their relationship is delicate as brittle glass now, and the shards threaten to cut deep within his heart. Fuji doesn't know if that sort of pain is truly bearable. Doesn't Tezuka feel it, too? He looks so somber, more than he ever has before. His eyes sadden when he looks upon Fuji, especially when Fuji has such a desperate look glinting in his eye. Tezuka lets go of Fuji and moves away, trying to occupy himself by cleaning his glasses on the collar of his shirt.
"I wasn't thinking of the consequences."
A hand brushes lightly across his cheek, as if touching silk. This time he doesn't flinch.
"What consequences? Why is it that we can't-"
A glare from the other silences him, and his hand falls into his own lap once again. However, one can tell that he's desperate. No, he usually wouldn't allow somebody to see him like this. It's a hard thing to bear, showing somebody like Tezuka his weak spot. Tezuka had been his friend for a while, but also his rival. People weren't technically supposed to fall for their rivals. Destiny was a technicality, and Fuji didn't like the idea of being controlled by it. The feeling had swept him off his feet long ago; he must've surely hit his head on the way down.
"Things weren't meant to be, Fuji. You only want it to be that way."
"You're just scared by what you can't understand!"
Tezuka's eyes narrow ever so slightly at this. Tezuka is anything but a coward, and he doesn't like to be called one.
"You need to stop clinging to hopes and dreams. Face reality."
They've never really conversed before. This, by far has to be the most they've ever talked with each other on a single basis. However, they've never spoken towards each other with such spite. Behind the masks their eyes glow with longing. Fuji is too upset to let Tezuka see it anymore, and Tezuka is too proud to admit it. He opens his mouth to speak, but Tezuka stands before
"Goodbye."
Fuji chokes and curls up in a ball, staring up at the ceiling. Tezuka may be a good leader, but at times he is a hypocrite without realizing it. Fuji hates hypocrites. Usually, Tezuka is solid to his word. If he says he will do something, or he believes in something, it is the absolute truth. The only exception is Fuji. Only Fuji. Under intense scrutiny, Fuji can see nothing may come of their relationship. Perhaps that is why Tezuka is intent on ending it. Is boyfriend such a hard term, though? Well, maybe when it's two guys together… But why does it matter? Why SHOULD it matter? Fuji sighs and frowns. His brain comes up with an answer, but he isn't willing to face it. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard if you were a girl. Fuji shakes his head. He loves Tezuka, as he said, but he couldn't imagine being a girl. He likes the idea of loving Tezuka as a male far more.
Should it really matter if he's a boy or not, though? Tezuka obviously thinks so.
That day it's happened again, they're caught in another spell, and it's frightening to the both of them. Everyone's gone home, and ever so slightly, Fuji's eyes widen. It's simple and casual for one moment, Tezuka is paying attention to no other business than his own, and Fuji is doing his best not to look in Tezuka's direction.
"Tezuka?" Their eyes meet, and a sort of electricity crackles in the atmosphere.
Fuji's back presses into the wall, and Tezuka casts a shadow above him. Hypocrite. Tezuka Kunimitsu is a hypocrite. "Te-zu…" His breath is swept through his chest, and his cheeks flushed pink. Tezuka will always be his weakness no matter what. Never would he be able to imagine winning against Tezuka. Tezuka kisses his cheek, and Fuji's knees grow weak under him. Usually, Fuji couldn't imagine having liked this feeling. Maybe it's his strongly, rapidly pounding heart that ruled those feeling out. He makes an attempt to kiss Tezuka, but Tezuka keeps him firmly pinned against the wall, making him tremble slightly.
They converse quietly that evening, after all the night's events have faded to nothing but a blur of memories.
"I'm telling you, Fuji, we can't."
This time, Fuji can't hold back a scowl. "You're a hypocrite." His voice is cooler, and dangerously angry. "You keep telling me how I need to stop dreaming, but then you take initiative. What is it you want, Kunimitsu? I don't know you anymore. Decide!" He presses himself close to Tezuka, his hands brushing Tezuka's neck. Angry tears threaten him, but Tezuka pretends not to notice, ignoring it like he did Fuji's use of his first name. "If you don't want this, just tell me up front that you don't like me.
Perhaps he was making Tezuka uncomfortable with his words. Tezuka was confident in tennis and leading the club. He wasn't used to expressing his feelings as much as Fuji was, though. The prodigy just wasn't able to see what was so hard about confessing feelings. By the looks of it, Tezuka would be sick to his stomach if that much continued. Still, he had that regretful look on his face that made Fuji's heart sink horribly. Don't take pity on him. That was what his instincts told him, but things like that were easier said then done. Fuji struggled to remain angry, but it was getting harder and harder. Finally, he settled down. After his outburst Tezuka didn't protest when he laid his head against Tezuka's shoulder for a moment and then leaned up to kiss his cheek. Somehow, Tezuka is able to remain absolutely calm and serious, even when from looking at his eyes, one can tell he's somber.
"I do love you Tezuka,"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You want to play some street tennis?"
"Sure."
The seasons pass like a blur to Fuji's eye. Tezuka no longer comes as near as he used to. Part of him feels relief. He needed Tezuka to back away to save his rapidly beating heart, and to save the feeling of drowning he always experienced around Tezuka. Part of him still longs for it, though. Perhaps one could call him masochistic, but he felt wonderful when Tezuka was around him. The confusion was lovely, and no matter how much pain he'd underwent during the short time they had the affair. Tezuka was coming no closer to getting a girlfriend than Fuji was, and he was relieved at that, for no reason in particular.
It's snowing out. Fuji smiles. How nice.
"You're going to the mountains?"
Tezuka isn't really there. However, Fuji has lately had a tendency to talk to him even though he wasn't. Sometimes being so distant from Tezuka could only make him long for their closeness even more. In fact, now he's watching Eiji and Tezuka out the window on the third floor. It's late after school. He assumes they'll close the gates soon, so he thinks that just about now's the time to get going.
Something catches his eye. Eiji leans forward and kisses Tezuka on the lips. Automatically, he feels anger, and a horrible sinking in his heart. Tezuka…Was this why he was so intent on them not being together? Had he underestimated the situation altogether. Even though Eiji was his friend, Fuji was jealous. Maybe he wasn't technically stealing Tezuka away, since Tezuka had never been his to begin with, but still… He gritted his teeth and unwillingly, a small whimper escaped his lips.
Maybe I should just accept it. Eiji and Tezuka might make a nice couple.
This had been the thing he'd least expected. Eiji seemed so happy with Oishi. If Eiji were to be gay, Fuji would've expected him to like Oishi. He felt like Tezuka was supposed to be rightfully his, even if he had never captured the captain's heart. Automatically, tears threatened again. He wiped them away.
"Tezuka-kun?" He asks offhandedly one day, when they're alone. "I saw you and Kikumaru… Eiji… kiss." His expression is the same as Fuji expects, played out in his head like an old move. Typical… "Is it true you two are together?" Perhaps it was a little rude, butting into a relationship like that, but this was the one way that Fuji would have to vent his anger without taking it out on Eiji. Really, he didn't want to. He may resent the facts, but a slow realization came to him… Eiji wasn't doing anything to spite him. As much as it hurt, he would keep his mouth shut for the sake of his friend, no matter how much it tore him up inside.
Now you know how Tezuka feels everyday, holding back all this emotion.
A lump practically rose in his thoat, but he swallowed and it was gone.
Tezuka looks at him, calmly again. "What would give you that idea."
"You kissed."
"Eiji kissed me."
Was there a difference?
"Tezuka, was this the reason you did this to me?" His voice was choked and angry.
Was this what tore you up? No answer.
"Why did you kiss me and yet… still say you didn't love me. Are you just heartless? A two-timer? I'll tell Eiji. If it's breaking his heart you want to do…" Anger sweeps him.
"If you want to break anyone's heart, it should be mine!"
He's faced with Tezuka's calm eyes. Fuji's anger never seems to affect him. Within a second he's pinned against the wall. "Shut up." His voice was always calm and even. "Shuusuke." Fuji opened his mouth to protest. Why was it that when he said anything Tezuka was barely affected? The name might have taken him aback, but not by much.
A kiss…
This one was true, Fuji could tell.
Fuji was happy.