AN (AUTHOR'S NOTE): GOMENSAI! I'm really lazy! I've left you all without this story for so long, even though I had the idea 3 weeks ago, but I've just been too lazy to review. No wait a minute—this is all your faults! You didn't review enough, and I got lazy! (Gets pelted with tomatoes) Hey –ouch– wait –ouch– OKAY OKAY I'm SORRY! I was just joking. What reason would I have to insult the people that give me the praise that I need to write? I still don't know where this is going yet, so let's see where inspiration takes me.
DISCLAIMER: Yes, I do own Naruto. And Death Note. And Ouran High School Host Club. Oh look, there's the nice nurse coming with my sleepy pills! This time, she brought the big needle!
WARNINGS: In order to prevent OOCness as much as possible, I can't have certain characters in love with certain characters. Therefore, some pairings that you, as well as I, love cannot be in this (tear). Also, to all yaoi fangirls, since it's the girls being auctioned, no hints of yaoi will be detected (gets hit with another tomato). Sorry! Eww, that one was rotten. Anyways, this means that some people's favorite characters might not be in this. I also have a strict No Writing Yuri rule, so don't expect any from me. Ever. Slight nerd bashing (I couldn't take it out, because it was the only part of that section that was funny.) Brutal bashing of a main character.
SHOUTOUTS: by the way, this fic is dedicated to BAKANEKOSAN, but this chapter is dedicated to KMT. They were the ones that reminded me about this thing. Honestly, if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have remembered this story at all. Also, if you like yummy SasuNaru goodness, then read PERMANENT PIGTAILS, because it's a really funny story.
Ja Ne XDDD
The announcer picks up the microphone and begins. "Hello, everyone and welcome to the Kunoichi of Konoha Auction!" the announcer says. (The crowd cheers) "Okay, let's get this thing started! And the first girl up for bid is Yamanaka Ino!" Someone performs a summoning jutsu and said girl is poofed onto the stage.
"Nani?!" she says. The equipment manager goes up and telling her about the auction. (AN: Okay I lied. If you want to read what he says to her, go to the first Naruto Auction, but it's not that important anyway.)
"Okay," she says. "This'll be no problem for me! With my natural beauty, abundant charm, and elegant style, I'll make enough money to make Konohagure rich!" Lucky for her, and for Konoha, she said this just quietly enough for none of the people in the audience to hear her.
"This girl is an independent woman who owns her own money, and though her name means pig, you can bet she's as beautiful and graceful as a butterfly. Now, can I start the bidding at 75--?"
"75"
"80"
"85"
Despite Ino's slight narcissism, she still was a pretty girl, and the guys of Konoha were as shallow as is normal anywhere. So, she got a lot of bids. But as Ino looked in the crowds, she noticed that Shikamaru was just sitting there, doing nothing.
"What the hell, Shikamaru?!" she yelled. "Why aren't you bidding for me?!"
"Bidding is too troublesome," Shikamaru replied.
"AARGH!" Ino exclaimed, moving back to where she was sitting. But then she had an idea. She preformed a few handsigns and—
"Mind Transfer Jutsu!" erupted from her mouth, drowning out all other noises. Ino's body fell out of the chair and slumped to the floor.
(One minute later) Okay. Let's get back to business. Now, do I hear 565?"
'Shikamaru' stood up and said, "I bid 800 dollars."
"900 dollars"
"1000" (S)
Okay 100 dollars going once, going twice, SOLD for 1000 dollars to Nara Shikamaru"
'Shikamaru' smirked and carried her body to her seat. (AN: If you don't get it yet, Ino took over Shikamaru's body so that he would buy her.)
"Okay, the next person up to bid is The Fifth herself, Lady Tsunade!" The Godaime was then poofed into the room.
"What the HELL is going on here?!" she exclaimed.
"Well, it's the kunoichi auction and-"
"I know what this is," she said, "but WHY AM I HERE?!"
"Well…" the equipment manager started, "You did say to consider all the kunoichi, and everyone agreed that you'd bring in a lot of money. And this is for Konoha, after all."
"Fine!" she growled out.
"Tsunade-sama is a woman of power, grace, and beauty. The years just seem to roll off of her. Now, can we start the bidding at-"
"500"
"1000"
"1250"
"1500"
-Later-
It was between Jiraiya, who is surprisingly rich, and a groop of horny, nerdy teenagers (non-ninja) who planned on dressing her up like the Princess Lea (sp?) of their wet dreams. It's surprising how much they could save up without having to go out on dates or anything. (AN: I don't care if there's no Star Wars or Star Trek in the time of ninja. If you actually care, flame away, but I will only laugh at how pathetic you are)
"10,000 dollars" Jiraiya said. He hoped this would work, seeing how that was the only money that he had brought with him.
"10,000 going once, going twice-"
"11,000 dollars" said the group of nerds.
"11,000 going once, going twice-"
"WAIT!" Jiraiya said. Then he nervously turned to Naruto, fake smile plastered on his face. "Hey kid, you're not gonna need too much money to buy a girl your age. Now let me take 2,000 dollars off your hands and-" (AN: For those who don't know how Naruto got all this money, he's good at gambling, and doesn't spend his mission money on anything but ramen.)
"No way, pervy sage!" Naruto exclaimed. You still haven't paid me back for the last 5 times you borrowed my money! You can never touch Gama-chan (his froggie purse) again!" Naruto then proceeded to pet Gama-chan, as if it were actually alive.
"Okay," the announcer said. "11,000 going once, going twice, SOLD for 11,000"
'ARGH!' Tsunade thought. 'Now I've got to spend a week with those guys, though I am flattered that they paid that much…"
"Next up is Haruno Sakura!"
The pink bitch was poofed into the room, but the chair that she was supposed to have landed on had strangely disappeared, and she landed on the floor with a loud 'thud'.
"WTF?!" she exclaimed. After having everything explained to her, Sakura became excited.
"Was Ino-pig chosen? Has she already gone up? How much money did she make?!" Inner Sakura came out for a moment as she shrieked "I'm gonna make twice as much as Ino-pig did! CHAA!"
"Is there anything else?" the announcer said.
"Yeah," Sakura said. "I'm gonna need a chair."
Apparently, the missing chair was suspended in mid air, 20 ft above her head, and when Sakura asked for it, it fell, landing on her billboard-sized forehead. The crowd waited as Sakura finished her large string of not too friendly curse words.
"There are a million reasons to choose this girl. There's… well… there's… Okay, ley's start the bidding at… 25 dollars? If that's too much, I'll lower it."
"25" said Naruto.
(Inner Sakura) 'CHAA! Oh no! Anybody but Naruto!' As if the gods (or the writer) were trying to spite her for thinking this, someone else made a bid.
"I shall bid 50 dollars" said the most (cringe) youthful boy in Konoha.
(Inner Sakura) 'Crap! LEE! He's worse than Naruto! CHAA! Please, Lord, don't let that freak buy me!'
"75" (N)
"100" (L)
"125" (N)
"150" (L)
The bids kept rising up, meanwhile, Sakura was still praying to God not to get auctioned off to the 'bushy-browed wonder'.
"I bid 450 dollars" said Lee. He then pulled out his bank account book, holding his ENTIRE life savings. Sakura was waiting for Naruto to make another bid, but he remained silent.
"Naruto, make another bid already!" Sakura screamed. "I KNOW you have more money! Jiraiya just asked you for two GRAND a while ago!"
"Sorry, Sakura-chan," he said meekly, twiddling his thumbs. "You see, if I spend anymore money, I won't have enough for ramen later, so-"
"RAMEN?!" she screeched. Naruto cringed, knowing the beating she was gonna give him as soon as she could.
"Okay, 450 dollars going once, going twice,"
Suddenly, another ninja came in, and said, "I'm sorry I'm here so late, but I didn't get the notice." (AN: I don't know whether or not this is out of character, since I don't read the Shippuden)
"Sai!" Ino/Shikamaru yelled. "Hey!" (She got real used to having her around ever since he started calling her beautiful). He paid no attention.
"So, what's going on?" he asked. Someone explained to him what was going on, and that Sakura was the one currently up for bid. Once he was caught up, the auction continued.
"Okay, 450 going once, going twice," the announcer said. Lee did his nice guy pose as a sign of victory until…
"I bid 500 on the ugly hag" said Sai. Everyone turned to him with their very best 'WTF?!" look on their faces, but he just stood where he was, smiling.
"Okay, 500 going once, going twice, SOLD to Sai for 500 dollars."
The workers were about to take Sakura to Sai, before she stopped them. She turned to the announcer and said, "Wait! How much did Ino sell for?"
"Oh! Umm… let's see here (flipping through records) Ino sold for 1000."
"UGGH!" Sakura said. "She sold for TWICE as much as I did! I'll never live this down!"
"Okay, the next person up to bid is Hyuga Hinata!" the announcer said. Just then, she was poofed on stage.
"Um, what's going on here?" she asked. Again, someone went up to tell her what was going on. Hinata didn't really like the concept, but she went along with it in the hopes that a certain someone would buy her.
"Okay, this girl is heir to the second most powerful clan in Konoha, she has a heart of gold, and…" The announcer's voice lowered to almost a whisper, "she's also very cute! So, shall we start the bidding at…"
"100"
"200"
"300"
Hinata went deaf to the group of boys willing to give up their life-saved fortunes for her, as she was staring at her lifetime crush, a little disappointed that he didn't even make a single bid (AN: DON'T SHOOT ME! I like NaruHina as much as the next person, but I'm trying to keep this in character, and remember: this is NARUTO we're talking about.) That is, until she heard a very familiar voice amongst the bidders.
"1200," said Kiba.
'Kiba…' thought Hinata. 'I never knew you felt this way…'
"1300"
"1400" (K)
"Kiba…" This time, she couldn't keep his name from escaping her lips, and as she said it, she found that a blush was appearing on her face, reddening each time that Kiba made another bid.
"1500"
"1600" (K)
"1700"
"1800" (K)
"1900"
"2000" (K)
"2000 going once, going twice, sold to Kiba"
Once Kiba went to go and pick Hinata up, she started asking questions.
"Um, Kiba-kun, why did you buy me?" Kiba was too embarrassed to answer this question with words, so he settled on laughing meekly while rubbing the back of his head. Hinata took the hint and stayed quiet until another question came to her mind.
"Hey, Kiba-kun?"
"Yeah?"
"Where did you get all of that money from?"
"Oh, that? Don't worry about it!" Hinata wanted to ask more, but she decided against it, knowing that she'd never be able to get the answer out of him anyways.
-A little earlier-
"Maybe I should've bought Sakura-chan earlier. She's gonna be pretty mad at me for a while." As he said this, Naruto winced at the memory of the last time that he had gotten Sakura upset.
"Oh well!" Naruto said. "What's done is done! And besides," He said as he reached for Gama-chan (AKA his frog purse/wallet thing) "I've got plenty of money for ramen and—WHERE THE HELL IS GAMA-CHAN?!"
-back to the present-
"The next person up is--"
Suddenly, a giant fan burst through the window. The girl on it landed on the stage, completely unscathed by the shards of glass that took out half the audience.
"SHIKAMARU! What the HELL is this I'm hearing about you buying some tramp named Ino?!"
Shikamaru, for some strange reason, had come out of the mind transfer jutsu at that very moment. "Temari? What are you doing here? And how did you find out so fast when you live miles away?!"
"Duh! I got a text from Kaito on my Helio!" Temari retorted. She held out her Helio to everyone, displaying the text message.
"Wow," Sakura said. "That's a cool phone."
After that comment, Temari hit her so hard with her fan, she made an impression in the wall. "Bitch! It's a Helio. Don't call it a phone." (AN: There are 3 reasons for this outburst: 1, Temari's angry. 2, I hate Sakura. And 3, random comedy is the reason for this fiction) "And you, Shikamaru, you--"
"The next person up is Sabaku no Temari!"
"Nani?!" she said.
"There was someone else, but you're already here, so why not!" he announcer's sunny grin soon turned into a smug smirk as he added, "And you owe us about 1500 dollars in the damages that you caused."
"Fine!" she huffed.
"Okay, this girl, to quote whoever first said this, has the face of an angel and the body of a goddess. She's well worth the 1500 dollars that it will take for her to get out of here alive! Now, shall we start the bidding at--?"
"Hey!" Temari screamed. "I didn't hear anything about not being able to leave here alive!"
"Oh, that's just a formality; a minor detail at most. And besides, a pretty girl like you should be able to sell for far more than that! Now, can we start the bidding at 100 dollars?"
"100"
"200"
"250"
It went on like this until someone had bid 1000 dollars. She probably would've been at 3000 by now, but all of the people with the most money were either knocked out from her entry or too scared of having her around for a week, fearing what would happen if they got on her bad side.
"1000 going once," (A)
'That's it. I'm actually going to die here.' (T)
"Going twice," (A)
'I can't die yet! Gaara's gonna go on a killing spree if nobody's there to bake his cookies the way he likes them!'
"Sorry, Temari, but you're SO--"
"WAIT!" She shouted, right before turning to Shikamaru. "Shikamaru, you'll buy me, won't you?" (T)
"No." (S)
"Why not?" (T)
"Too troublesome." (S)
"Too bad," the announcer said, completely oblivious to the evil aura forming around Temari. "Okay, 1000 going once, going twice,"
"Shut it!" Temari hissed out. She stomped over to Shikamaru and, before he could defend himself, she pulled him into the air by his shirt collar. "Listen, Shikamaru: if I don't get 1500 dollars, I'm not getting out of here alive, which means I won't be able to have your children, which means that nobody else will, because I will CASTRATE you SLOWLY before they kill me if you don't make that damn bid."
Shikamaru then raised his hand in the air and said, voice still cracking and stuttering out of fear, " I b-bid 1500 d-dollars.
Temari let him go as she heard the announcer make the countdown for her for the last time. "1500 going once, going twice, SOLD!"
"For our final bid, the people of Konoha bring you Deidara!"
A blonde person in an Akatsuki cloak was poofed in.
"WTF is going on here?! And since when is there a jutsu like that?!" he said, in a slightly higher voice than usual.
"You're here for the Kunoichi of Konoha charity auction. Oh, and about the jutsu, blame the author" he said, pointing to the girl in the back row reading SasuNaru fanfiction on her laptop.
"But I'm not even from Konoha! Un!" (D)
"Like I said, blame the author." (A)
"But I'm an S-class criminal in your bingo book! Un!" (D)
"Just blame the author." (A)
"But--" (D)
"LISTEN! The author controls everything here! She could make an Uchiha come in here wearing pink, she could add characters from other stories and make us relatives, she can force incest on us, she can even write a Zabuza x Haku story where Haku is seme! Do you see Sakura (points to ugly pink thing in the corner)?! That's what she does to people that she doesn't like! Well, actually, she looked a lot like that before the author even got to her but STILL! Just go along with it and see how much money you can make!" (AN: This conversation, for reasons that I'm to lazy to write, has gone unheard to anyone but Deidara.)
"But…" (D)
"Quiet! Now this girl is lovely, and her extra mouths are the better to kiss you with. Some might even say that we saved the best for last. So, can we open the bidding at--"
"300"
"550"
"750"
"1000"
The biddings seemed to go on without any end in sight, because the rich people that were knocked out a while ago had finally woken up. It was now between the only two people left in Konoha that had enough money to burn: Hinata's grandfather (AN: I neither know, nor care about whether he's alive, and I KNOW that he would be able to tell that Deidara's a guy with his Byakugan, but does anyone really care?) and Jiraiya again.
"7000" (H)
"8000" (J)
"9000" (H)
"10,000" (J)
Everyone looked expectantly to Hyuga-sama, knowing that he had more money, and that Jiraiya didn't, until he unexpectedly blurted out, "Forget it! There's NO way I'll be able to explain loosing THAT much money to my wife, anyway!"
"Okay, 10,000 going once," (A)
"But--" (Deidara)
"Going twice,"
"But--" (Deidara)
"…SOLD, to Jiraiya, one of the legendary sennin, for 10,000 dollars!" Deidara continued to protest, but his pleas went deaf under all of the groans of all the horny boys that wanted to buy him themselves.
"Okay, people, that's our auction! For those of you that were lucky enough to get one of our most valuable kunoichi, please stay behind to make your payments, unless you want the ANBU at your door! To everyone else, have a safe trip home!"
-A little later-
Everyone was in line, waiting to pay for their own kunoichi, when they heard a loud yelling from the front of the line.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY?!" Ino and Temari creamed.
"What a drag," Shikamaru sighed out. "I just came here with Naruto so that he'd shut up. I didn't bring enough money to buy anyone."
"Then WHY didn't you TELL us?!" said Ino and Temari.
"When did I have the chance?" he retorted. "I already told you it was troublesome. And didn't either of you wonder why I was here the whole time, and didn't make a bid without being forced?"
"Shikamaru, you b--"
"Um, excuse me?"
"The two blondes turned to the voice, considerably annoyed at the fact that they had just been interrupted, until they noticed that it was Shizune, the woman who was supposed to be collecting the money.
"If you three don't mind, I'll just be taking the money that you owe us now."
Ino and Temari both growled before taking out their wallets and paying the 2500 dollars (Ino used her credit card to pay the rest of Temari's debts).
I'm finally finished! I would like to thank those of you that made me feel guilty enough to write over 3500 words of crack. Sorry for the many author's notes, but if it pops into my head, you're gonna know about it. I'm also sorry for taking so long; I was in the middle of five different animes and the new HP book. But to make up for it, this chapter is almost twice as long as any of the other chapters that I've done.
There will only be one more chapter, and then the long (in my mind) series of Naruto auctions will be finished. I'm sorry, but unless I do an Akatsuki auction- which I can't, since the only ones that I've actually seen on TV are Itachi and Kisame- it's almost over.
I'm getting tired (and I'm bitchy when I'm tired) so I'm gonna stop here, but before I do, I have one final message to those of you who actually read this shit:
I'm not going to ask you to review, but I must warn you: everytime someone reads my stories without reviewing, a little chibi gets denied a cookie. This time, it's a chibi Naru-chan. DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR CONSIENCE?!
Ja Ne XDDD