The Lion, The Witch, and Thad
Thaddeus J. Steinberg was a peculiar fellow indeed. All of his life he had been the black sheep of his family, an upper class family living in Maryland. His father, Thaddeus Q, was a wealthy business man, who owned several large chains of restaurants. He operated these with his wife, Beatrice, and his daughter, Annabelle. Thaddeus J did not aspire to join the rest of his family in their enterprises, Instead, the young Thaddeus, known to his friends as Thad, spent his nights in the life of hedonism. Our story begins on a Friday night. While his family was busy making preparations to buy out yet another locally owned restaurant, Thad was busy getting absolutely shit-faced in a seedy bar full of ne'er-do-wells. This was nothing new for Thad, but tonight was an especially sorry. You see, Thad's lover, a young woman by the name of Janessa, had recently called things off on account of Thad being ,as she so eloquently put it, "a drunken sack of disappointment." Never one to back down from a wild accusation, Thad responded to this by getting drunk beyond comprehension and disappointing his parents.
It was almost midnight when Thad felt a familiar feeling in his bladder, the call to nature that has been share between all mammals since the beginning of time. Ever the wordsmith, Thad called out the barkeep,
"Hey bro, wheres the can? I gotta take a piss!" The gentleman nodded towards the stairs at the back of the bar. "Thanks Bro!" Thad hollered. He made his way towards the back and down the stairs, and was dismayed to find both latrines full. Glancing around, Thad noticed an old wardrobe against the wall. Most people look down on urinating in a wardrobe, but Thad had never been one for social norms. He climbed inside the wardrobe and began to feel his way towards the back. He kept walking, and walking, wondering why the wardrobe was so long. He suddenly tripped and fell face first into a pile of snow. Thad turned and called to the barkeep. "Hey, Bro! Your closet goes outside!" Thad relieved himself in a nearby tree, and decided to head off into the snow, without paying his tab, because he was a bit of a douche. It never occurred to Thad that is was strange for there to be this much snow in the middle of August, but Thad most likely did not have enough brain cells left. Thad eventually came across a strange, furry creature. The creature had curly brown hair, a goatee, and the horns and legs of a goat. "Aw, shit, It's a furry." thought Thad.
"Hello there my friend," the creature exclaimed. "I am Mr. Tumnus the faun."
"Look, bro, I don't care what you're called, just put some pants on." Thad said. The faun was confused by Thad's abrasive attitude, and asked if he was a son of Adam. "Nah, my Dad's name is Thaddeus."
"Well, would you like to come over for some tea?" Thad agreed, with no intention of actually drinking any tea. Instead, he raided Mr Tumnus's wine celler, got even more drunk, threw up on the faun's rug, and passed out in the kitchen. He awoke several hours later, with the faun no where in sight. He downed the rest of Mr Tumnus's wine and headed out into the cold. It was lucky that he did so, for the faun, annoyed at Thad's antics, had sold him out to Maugrim, the White Which's chief wolf.
Thad ended up stumbling upon The home of the Beavers. He decided to raid their fridge for food, ignoring their protest because, as Thad put it, "Beavers don't talk, bro." He ended up stumbling into a cave where he decided to sleep for the night. Why Thad decided to sleep in a cave is anyone's guess. He could have stayed at the beaver's house, but Thad is not the brightest bulb, as the saying goes. He awoke the next morning, still somewhat drunk, and proceeded to down the ale he had stolen from the beavers. He left the cave and wandered through the cave. Thad was suddenly jolted by a loud cry of anger. He turned around to see a very irritated Mr. Tumnus behind him. "Oh, shit." Thad was in for it now.
"You scoundrel!" The faun cried out. "You stole my wine! that was a gift from my friend the talking Horse. You have soiled my family's ancestral rug! It's been past down from Tumnus to Tumnus for nine generations!"
"Um, I don't recall doing anything like that bro." Thad attempted to weasel his way out of his current predicament, but the faun wasn't having any of it. Just as things were looking grim for our hero, they heard the howl of wolves in the distance.
Mr. Tumnus turned in fright. "Oh no!" he exclaimed. "It's the witch's wolves. They weren't very happy that I could not turn you over to them. Listen, I know we had our differences, but we're going to need to work together if we want to get away from them safely." When he turned back however, Thad was already running in the other direction. He turned around and flipped the faun off, but in doing so he fell backwards into a river. The river carried Thad downstream, slamming him into rocks and logs, which, in all honesty he probably deserves at this point.
Thad pulled himself onto the riverbank. He looked around briefly, and decided he had best get moving, looking to find a kind soul who would allow him to dry off and get warm, and then hopefully steal their alcohol. And so began Thad's adventure through the magical land of Narnia, where he would undoubtedly get even more drunk and piss off more inhabitants of the land.