Chp 2: 1 - 11
1 So it came to past that the Lord's older sister Lori threw a party at their house 2 And the guests, having nothing to do, grew extremely bored. 3 Lori beseeched the Lord and their other siblings, saying "Help, my party is so boring, and I'll be literally the most unpopular girl in school." 4 The other siblings grumbled among themselves saying "Why is this our problem? You wanted everything your way. We should just let you have your just desserts."
5 But the Lord had compassion for his sister Lori, and rebuked his siblings. 6 "Those who refuse to help those in need shall have their cries ignored." 7 He then pointed to the red party cups. "Take those cups and fill them with water from our kitchen sinks. Don't ask questions, just do it." 8 Asking no questions whatsoever, the sisters grabbed the cups and filled them with water, then brought them back down and served them to the guests.
9 Upon drinking from the cups, one of the partygoers asked Lori "Yo, Lori, where did you get this booze?! This is the best alcohol ever! 10 And so Lori's party was a success and she became the school's most popular girl. 11 But the Lord's miracle and glory had to be attributed to Jake Paul, who promptly hauled off to Juvie for possessing alcohol as a minor.
Chp 5: 5 - 14
5 And so it came to pass, when the clock struck twelve, at least 500 students came from the school's spirit day. 6 However, the staff bemoaned their fates, for only a few parents were able to contribute to the school's potluck. 7 However, the Lord heard of their dilemma and went inside. 8 Beholding their anguish, he went in their midst and said to them. "Seriously, you couldn't pay for pizza. Well, do not fear, for this shall be enough."
9 So he gave thanks to the food and blessed it, handing out the dishes to each of the staff. 10 "Go and distribute this evenly among the students and the staff. Do not fear of running out for I shall provide."11 And so the staff of the school passed out the food until everyone had much on their plate. 12 Then the Lord commanded onto them "Gather all the pieces left over, leave not a single breadcrumb. Cleanliness is important, you know." 13 Gathering all the leftovers into trash bags, they needed at least 13 bags. 14 Of the items that were brought, there was 10 burgers, a bag of chips, a bowl of cole slaw, and a single ding dong.
Chp 8: 3 - 11
3 And the Popular Crowd brought a girl from their own into the crowd where the Lord spoke wisdom, and brought her in front of him. 4 They said "Lord, this girl we have caught in the sin of liking something we did like." 5 "Now the law of Chandler says that we must cast her out and stone her for her transgressions, but what do you think?" 6 They did this to entrap him, to have a basis of accusing him.
7 The Lord merely said "They who have no shame, hidden or otherwise, may cast the first stone. And don't lie, I know."
8 When the Popular Crowd heard this, the oldest of them dropped their stones and left, followed by the youngest. 9 Soon all of them had left the area, leaving the Lord, the Girl, and the crowd that had been listening to the Lord. 10 The Lord asked the girl "Where are your accusers, girl? Are there any left?" The girl responded "There are none, Lord." 11 "Then neither will I. Now please go, I was getting to the good part."
Chp 14: 29 - 31
29 At the supper, the Lord made a prediction "I say unto you, one of you will surely betray me to my enemies, though admittedly I shouldn't have turned that water into alcohol…" 30 At that, Clyde the Disciple said to him. "Even if all the world turns against you, I never will, my Lord. 31 At that, the Lord responded. "Dude, you will deny me three times over pics of Lori, don't lie."
Chp 15: 21 - 22
21 And so the governor asked the crowds, "I have two prisoners with me: Lincoln Christ, or the Thundermans. Which one do you want?"
22 The crowds responded "Give us the Thundermans."
Chp 17: 32 - 33
32 The Lord hung on the cross, his broken and bloody body hanging by the nails in his hands and feet, a crown of thorns on his head.
33 He cried out "Isn't this against the eighth amendment?"
Chp 20: 15 - 17
15 After the two had eaten breakfast, the Lord and Clyde went for a walk. As they walked, the Lord asked Clyde "Do you love me?"
16 Clyde nodded. "Of course, my lord, in a totally platonic way."
17 The Lord responded. "Then feed the family pets, because I feel like we forget them a lot."
Chp 21: 1-3
1 And so it came to past, that the Lord's time to be taken up to heaven came to past.
2 Gathering all his disciples and his family together, he bid them farewell as the heavens opened as he rose into the light.
3 "Remember, I died for your sins." Was the Lord's last words before he was taken to heaven.
Author's Note: Behold the most sacrilegous thing I have ever written.
*Also zinger about the Tijuana bibles written by the disciples JumpJump, Script, and Flagg*