"Yo I'm hella broke af man tfw Get Rich Or Die Trying can't maintain my career for lyfe. Shit nigga! What a street G gotta do in deez hard times?"
(Prophet Jay-Z descends from the sky)
"You wanna know what's more important than throwing' away money at a strip club? Credit"
"Word up brother! I'mma go into business!" 50 cents squealed in excitement like a little girl.
"Yo what do you mean Dr Dre already founded an audio product company? Why ain't nobody told me of that?" 50 cent screeched at his lawyer. He had received numerous complaints after starting his own Beets by 50cent. The product was poorly received and critics called 50 out for stealing ideas from Dre. Eventually an Antifa protestor terrorized the manufacturing plant killing 50. (oh the irony)
The major setback sets 50 cent back a further quarter billion. After this fiasco he became broker than a Jew.
"Fuck! Now what?" 50 cents screeched autistically as the authorities stripped off the paint of his trailer park home to pay off his debt. He phoned his best friend Eminem for help. "Yo Em, times are hard for yo homie man. I need financial help man else I'm gonna return to the streets. Shit! I came into the game to get out of the hood life I ain't returning back!"
"Yo man look, I'm performing terribly on my new LP too and I ain't got much left either. Spent them all on resisting Drumpf lel."
"Damn!"
Just then, 50 cent noticed a tank in his trailer park home. He looked at the label. It said "Effen Vodka"
Oh shit! 50 cent had an epiphany right there. He decided to sell them, but first he had to set up a lemonade stand.
So he set it up on the meanest street of Tokyo. He was hyped up in Japan so he traveled over there to sell his product.
The first class ticket set him back a further 100 grands. If he shot himself right there he would be dead broke.
"Ohayo gozaimasu minna-san! Yo oppa 50 yen here with fresh Effen Vodka! Come and taste it is sugoi and oishi desu wa! Kawaii minna-san, welcome to the 50 cent show! KAmisama Hamnida!"
Unfortunately, 50 cent really only peaked in Japan during the GRODT era. Right now almost nobody recognizes him.
Until a loner MGTOW Nipponese teen walked past the stand.
"Yo fif."
"NANIIIIIIIIIII!?"
"Yo fit I know it's you. I'm your biggest fan, Hachiman Hikigaya."
"Yoooooooo I ain't never had a fan like you in a long time! Anyways how about trying my Effen Vodka?"
50 cent pre-calculated his profit. "The tank has a capacity of 10 gallons. 10 gallons of vodka is approximately 37900ml. If packaged into a can of 350mil, I would have 108 cans with excess for myself. 108 is divisible by 9 and 12. In fact, upon further realization, it is literally the product of these two numbers. Hence, should I sell it in 12 packages of 9 or 9 packages of 12? Hmmmmm… The latter seems like a better marketing schemes, since 12 is a composite number with many factors. It is divisible by 1,2,3,4,6 and itself, Whereas 9 can only be divisible by 1,3 and itself. With a pack of 9, the consumer has three possible way of finishing 1 pack. Either 1 at a time for 9 occasions, 3 at a time for 3 occasions, or all nine at one go. Meanwhile, a pack of 12 can be finished in 6 different possible ways. Once you permutate it, the difference becomes more apparent. Under the assumption that a pack of vodka is consumed in a fashion limited to the above-mentioned choices, 9 packs of 12 can be finished in 9^6 = 531441 ways, whereas a 12 pack of 9 can be finished in only 12^3 = 1728 ways. This whooping difference further justifies why the 12-pack scheme is superior in every aspect. Shiet! If I could sell them all to this cracker, I would be filthy rich!"
"So, are you selling them for 1 cent each or what?"
Hachiman snapped 50 cent back to reality.
"What? Yo know how much spirits cost young boy?"
"Well if you want to be a petulant child over this deal then I ain't buying."
50 contemplated. 1 cent is still better than nothing.
"Aight nigga I'm selling them at 1 cent each."
"Good! I'll have 50 of them."
"Yo!"
50 spoke solemnly, "look, I was supposed to sell them in 9 packs of 12. While the cans are yet to be packaged, I intend to sell it this way, for through careful rumination I have proven it to be optimal for consumption. Hence, you can only purchase it in 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72, 84, 96 or 108 cans. Quick math brother!"
"Yo is this how you speak to your only customer? When I say 50 give me 50!"
50 cent sighed. "Aight fine Imma sell you 50. Now quit wasting my time and give me my 50 cent."
"50 cent, geddit?" Hachiman chuckled as 50 passed him the 50 cans of vodka.
50 felt like punching his lights out right there.
But he relented after reminding himself that the Japanese cops would tentacle-fist him.
So he made that deal and cleared 50 cent out of his debt.
Hachiman carried the 50 cans of vodka home.
Eminem was waiting for Hachiman in the basement with a bag of cocaine. He had ordered Hachiman to order the vodka from 50 cent so that the duo can have a fun time wasted and shit.
"Yo Em I'm home!"
"Oh shit man did yo git me sum hardcore vodka?"
"Yea it be effen good!"
"Yo das lit man! How much did you get those for?"
"I got 50 cans for 50 cent from 50 cent!"
"Big up brother! Let's split this bill 50-50 okay? Here's your quarter."
"Itadakimase!" Eminem and Hachiman cheered in unison as they cracked open a cold one together. Then Eminem snorted a roll of cocaine and became high as fuck.
Very soon, they became drunk as fuck and started spewing gibberish.
"Brrrrrrraaaaaaaaaap! Dats an awfully hawt covfefe pawt shoud I drrrrawp it on Donud Drumpf Probably nawt!"
"Mmmmmmmm Yukino's dead body in my basement turned me on every time but now it's so filled with my semen I gotta hunt for a new cum dumpster! Also Komachi pussy be tight yo."
And then in their inebriated state they gangraped Yukino's corpse for one last time before it is disposed at the bottom of the lake.
They dumped Yukino into the trunk and drove off into the sunset, with just the two of them.
Like if you ship Eminem x Hachiman