Summary
A crime has been committed. The guilty party must be found and punished. It should be a simple task, but in this tale nothing is quite what it seems. How did the Turks end up as the heroes? How do dragons and pixies fit into the picture, and what the heck is a unibo?
Features: Tseng, Elena, Rude, Reno, and glimpses of several other familiar faces such as the Shinras, Reeve and Nanaki.
The Cake Was Gone
King Shinra was beside himself with woe and ire.
"Who could have done such a foul deed?" cried he, slamming a meaty fist on his throne.
"Fear not, my liege," said Reeve, dressed in the blue robes of the royal roboturge. "The guards are searching the grounds as we speak. They will find–"
"Never mind that! Think of the cake! The festivities are ruined!"
Agitated murmurs spread among the royal court. The festivities, whispered the nobles, wringing their hands. This cannot be!
"I know who it was," chimed a shrill voice. "I know who devoured the cake."
The court fell silent as a slight figure fluttered in through the open window and hovered before the king. The being was no larger than a jackdaw, with the iridescent wings of a dragonfly and the body of a woman.
"My lady Elena," greeted the king with respect, for pixies were known for their powerful magicks and short temper. "Pray tell us, who was the fiend?"
"It was the dragon that dwells in the mountain!"
The whole court shuddered in a collective gasp. Even the king himself had gone pale, but he faced the crowd with a grim countenance.
"Who will rid me of this troublesome beast?"
The dragon, they whispered in hushed tones. The fell beast of the mountain. Breath of fire, eyes of ice. Not a single soul volunteered for the task.
"Hang on," said Reeve. "Why would a dragon eat a cake?"
"Silence!" roared the king. "Do you dare to doubt our esteemed witness?"
"A dragon is huge, my liege. Wouldn't someone else have seen it?"
As the king and his advisor squabbled over the matter, a traveler from foreign lands observed the cowardice of the king's court with equal measures of disdain and ambition. This is my chance, thought Tseng. When I succeed, these people will welcome me as a hero. He stepped forth, head held high, his inky-black hair shrouding his shoulders like a cape.
"I will hunt down this dragon for you."
A fresh susurration of whispers rippled through the court behind his back.
"As will I."
Tseng glanced to his right at the sound of a deep, sonorous voice. Another man had come forth, with olive skin and robes that showed the dust and wear of travel. A stranger to this land, like himself. A monk, perhaps, for his head was shaved bare.
"And I," cried the pixie, dashing through the air to Tseng's side. "You will need my magick to vanquish this fearsome foe!"
This was not what Tseng had planned, but the air hummed with whispered excitement and approval.
"It is decided," proclaimed the king. "Perform this task to my satisfaction and you shall not be murdered in gruesome ways for failing to do my bidding!"
Wait, what? thought Tseng, but decided it wise not to speak his words out loud.
King Shinra, his advisor and the whole court escorted the trio of adventurers to the city gates.
"Go forth and punish this wretched defiler of cakes!" cried the king as the massive gates swung shut. "Bring me its eye as proof of your bravery, or prepare to be murderized upon your return!"
Reeve cleared his throat.
"My liege, aren't you forgetting something?"
"Oh, yes, that," sighed the king. "My only child is missing. You'll sort that out too, won't you?"
"Wait," said Tseng, "what?"
The gates closed with a reverberating clang. A deep stillness fell.
"This is a land of fools," said the other man.
Tseng faced him and gave a formal bow in greeting.
"You strike me as a man of sense. I am Tseng. May I know your name?"
"Rude."
"Is that a name or a description?"
The man gave him a blank look.
"Both."
Tseng decided to refrain from further attempts at wit.
"So, the dragon dwells on the mountain, but what of this second task? Any ideas?"
"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" chirped the pixie, flitting about in excited circles. "The dragon is the answer to everything!"
"Explain," rumbled Rude.
Elena let out a sigh of impatience.
"Must I explain the plainest facts to you two? Dragons always kidnap princesses. It's what they do!"
"Kidnap princesses... and eat cake," said Tseng.
"Well, I admit devouring cakes is not a common characteristic," said she, flicking the fringe of her blonde bob backwards with a hasty swipe, "but in this case the culprit is known."
"Did you witness the dragon's deed?"
"Well, no... But I know it to be the work of a dragon!"
"You saw tracks?"
"Not exactly, no..."
"Heard witness from others, then?"
"No, but I know it to be true!" exclaimed she, pink in the face. "Who else would commit such a foul deed?"
A land of fools, thought Tseng, but set off along the road leading to the mountain. He had a quest to complete, and come what may, complete it he would.
The road ahead was long and arduous. Halfway to the mountain, the adventurers had succumbed to weariness.
"My wings are killing me," sighed Elena. "At this rate, we shall collapse with exhaustion before ever setting foot on the mountain."
Tseng beheld the drooping shoulders of the trio's most taciturn member. They looked as heavy as his own feet. He also noted Rude's lack of visible weaponry.
"Odd that the king would neglect to supply the defenders of his honor and kin. All I have is my crossbow."
"Well, King Shinra is a traditionalist," mused Elena. "The other week he tasked a cook with serving cheese made from chocobo milk. Before that he challenged a knight to squeeze wine out of a stone. The three of us killing a dragon with our bare hands is par for the course."
Tseng gave this some thought.
"How did the other two solve their conundrums?"
"They didn't, of course. Both were murdered in horrible ways when they failed."
Rude and Tseng exchanged a glance.
"The king is a lunatic," concluded the latter.
"That is the popular opinion, yes," admitted the pixie, "but the nobles find him an entertaining lunatic."
A howl brought the discussion to a swift end.
"Quick!" yelled she. "Over there!"
The group dashed in the direction of the noise. As they approached, they heard words among the growls.
"Oh! Woe! My paw!"
Some way into the woods sat a four-legged beast with red fur and a flaming tail. It held a trembling paw in the air.
"An injured, talking animal!" whispered Elena. "What luck!"
"Explain yourself," said Rude.
The pixie rolled her eyes.
"Did your mothers not tell you fairy tales as babes? If you help an injured beast that talks, it will reward you with its aid. See the thorn in this one's paw? All we need to do is pull it out."
"I guess we are in dire need of aid," mused Tseng.
"Then it is decided! I will make sure the beast stays put. Rude, you grab and hold it down while Tseng removes the thorn."
"Wait–"
Tseng was too late. The pixie shot into the clearing, fist held high.
"Freeze, beast!" shrieked she, waving her fist, now shimmering with magick. "Or I will blow you sky-high with a fistful of pixie dust!"
The animal snapped up its head, its maw agape to reveal a wicked set of glistening teeth.
"Wha–"
Rude slammed into the beast, tangling a fist in its mane and pinning the writhing body to the ground with his own weight.
"Wait!" cried the animal. "What are you–" It yelped when Tseng grabbed its ailing paw in a firm hold. "Barbarians! Villains! Somebody, help!"
"We are helping you!" yelled Elena. "Be silent, ungrateful wretch!"
"Ungrateful? Why I ought to–" The animal yowled as Tseng pulled out the thorn.
"See? We made it all better. Now be a good boy and give us our just reward."
The men released the red-furred animal and backed away, keeping it between them and Elena.
"Reward?" it growled. "You have the nerve to demand a reward?"
Elena narrowed her eyes, raising her fist. A few specks floated down, glimmering in the sunlight, and flared up in blue flame where they touched the ground.
"You know how the world works, red one. We are on a quest to slay the dragon of the mountain. We need aid and wisdom. Give them to us."
It glowered at her, then at each man in turn.
"Fine. Here's my sage advice: don't bother."
"Wrong answer," said the pixie, pulling her arm back.
The red beast clawed at the ground, hastening to scramble away on three good legs, but the men stepped up to block its escape.
"Okay, okay! I will tell you a secret kept from all mankind. A grove east of here guards a magical creature. It is home to the only unibo in this wretched land."
"A unibo!" gasped Elena. "The fabled one-horned bird with diamond claws?"
"That is the one," sighed the beast, head hanging. "Its wisdom will guide you in the coming battle."
A newfound hope kindled in the hearts of the adventurers. After offering a bow and his thanks, Tseng led the group in the direction of the grove.
"Gaia knows the birdbrain has more wit than the lot of you combined."
The muttering was so quiet Tseng was not sure he had heard it at all. When he looked back over his shoulder, the flaming beast was gone.
A good ways deeper into the forest, Elena began to sense an eldritch power. The men dropped to the ground and crawled closer to its source, while she shielded them with pixie magick that dampened their sounds.
Within a peaceful grove, the trio beheld a sight that stole their breaths away. In a field of bluebells stood the legendary creature. Its plumage shone purest white, while sunlight glittered on its crystalline claws. Its neck followed a graceful curve and from its forehead, just above the regal beak, spiraled a single slender horn.
"Any clever ideas?" whispered Tseng.
His companions shared a look and shrugged. He sighed, then got up to his feet and held out his hand.
"Here, pretty bi–"
The unibo bolted. Within seconds, it had vanished from view.
"Well done," said the pixie, glaring with her fists on her tiny hips.
"Next time, you can try."
"What makes you think there will be a next time? This was our chance, a unique–"
"The tracks are clear," said Rude, rising up from his crouch among the bluebells. "Follow me."
He led them on a windy path through the woods, over hills and around thickets. The trees cleared, revealing a wide stream. As they prepared to cross, a mighty bellow sent them into a terrible fright. It was a bear, taller than any man and twice as wide!
Tseng grabbed his crossbow, while Rude dropped into a fighting stance. The pixie raised her fist, summoning her magick.
"Eat pixie dust, wicked creature!"
Just then, a gust of wind tousled Elena. Her handful of dust went astray and shimmered down on an unsuspecting Tseng. The man yowled and dropped his crossbow, his hair set ablaze by a series of miniature explosions. Preoccupied as he was, Tseng had no chance to defend himself as the bear bounded up on its hind legs and swept him into a crushing embrace.
"Don't worry, bubby!" roared the beast. "Mukki will save you!"
With a mighty splash, they both vanished into the river. A few seconds later the pair reappeared, Tseng mashed against the bear's chest. The man spat both water and curses in a language unknown to his companions.
"How are you doing, bubby?" asked the bear. "Feeling good yet?"
Elena and Rude stared. They exchanged a glance, then continued staring. Tseng remained in a firm hold, but the sputtering had ceased.
"Um," said the pixie, "are you okay there?"
"We're just fine," rumbled Mukki. "Isn't that right, bubby?"
"Peachy," said Tseng, muffled by wet fur. The bear gave him a pat on the head.
"You shouldn't scare people like that, you know," huffed Elena, flinging her arms across her chest.
The bear scowled.
"I scared you? You're the ones who scared me, sneaking up on me like that!"
"Um, mister bear?" said Tseng. "You can let me go now."
"Aw, you can stay a while longer. Bathing is nice."
"I must insist. We have a unibo to catch."
"A unibo, you say? Ohh, then Mukki understands, and can help some more!"
The bear released Tseng and lumbered out of the water, coming to a halt by a shrub. It pierced an orange orb with a claw the size of a finger, then held it out for the man who was staggering out of the river.
"Unibos can't resist the fruit of mimett greens. Show the fella one of these and he'll be eating out of your hand. Literally!"
"You have my thanks," said Tseng in a voice as blank as his expression. Water dripped from his drenched sleeve as he pulled the fruit off the claw.
"Don't forget me, now," purred the bear with a conspiratorial wink. "Come back and bathe with Mukki any time, bubby!"
As Rude picked up the unibo's trail and guided the trio into the woods, Elena gave the bear a merry wave.
"See?" crooned she with much satisfaction. "Be kind to animals and they will help you in return. It's practically the law in these parts."
Silent, Tseng sloshed onward in his soggy boots.
They came upon the unibo in another clearing. It stood in a ray of sunlight, watching the butterflies that frolicked nearby, drawn to the creature's mystical presence. Tseng quietly cut the fruit in half, took a deep breath, then stepped into view with half the treat held high in his palm. He cleared his throat.
"Here, birdie."
"You're supposed to sound friendly," hissed Elena from the shadows.
"I am!"
Rude shushed them both. "It's working."
The white-feathered bird was approaching with hesitant steps, sniffing the air. A few more steps brought it close enough to nudge Tseng's fingers with its beak. Up close, he could see the horn was as translucent as the claws, sparkling in the colors of the rainbow. As he held his breath, the unibo took one more step forward and accepted his offering.
"Um... Do we wrestle it?" asked the pixie as the bird nibbled on the fruit.
"I don't think that will be necessary," murmured Tseng, careful not to spook the bird.
"Threaten it, then?"
The unibo finished its treat, sniffed the air, then stepped closer to sniff Tseng's clothes. He smiled, triumphant.
"I believe having some fruit in my pocket will keep the bird around."
"Oh." She gave it some thought. "How boring."
"Greetings," said Tseng, addressing the unibo. "We wish to partake of your wisdom."
The bird cocked its head and peered at the man.
"Try flattery," urged Elena in a stage whisper.
"Oh, graceful creature," said Tseng, complete with a bow. "Dazzle us with your profound knowledge."
The unibo made a gurgling sound and clawed at the ground. Tseng was beginning to feel like a fool.
"Perhaps its wisdom is conveyed through actions, not words," suggested Elena uncertainly.
"I'll try riding it. Stand back."
The unibo watched with much curiosity as Tseng took hold of its neck and wing. When he swung himself onto its back it gave a squawk of surprise and danced around, but made no move to throw off its rider.
"Oh... Oh my," gasped Elena, blushing. "You look so... dashing."
"I'm ready," declared Tseng, raising his chin, his singed hair fluttering in the wind. "Let us hunt down this dragon!"
Thus reinforced, the adventurers at last reached the mountain with rejuvenated confidence and strength. Elena had rested her wings by riding on Tseng's shoulder, but even Rude, who citing monastic vows had declined to ride the unibo, seemed eager to tackle the challenge. Together, they came upon the mouth of an enormous cave. A low rumbling sound could be heard within, waxing and waning at a steady pace.
The noise echoed off damp walls of jagged rock and grew stronger as the group crept deeper into the dim cavern, until Tseng was certain its source had to be just beyond the next bend. He signaled a halt, then skulked close enough to take a peek.
A colossal body, covered in scales of shimmering scarlet, lay in the middle of the cave. A tapering tail wrapped around the creature, shielding its rear limbs from view. A head twice the length of a man rested on the front limbs, decorated by a crest of countless uneven horns. The eyes were closed and the sound resonating through the cave was its heavy breathing.
"The dragon sleeps," whispered Tseng to the others. "This is our chance. I will attack from the front on the unibo, while you two take the flanks."
There was no time to waste. Once the pixie and the bald man had taken up positions on either side of the unibo and signaled their readiness, Tseng charged. The one-horned steed obeyed, rounding the corner with mighty bounds. The second it laid eyes upon their foe, it squeaked and scrambled to a halt. Leaping into the air, bucking wildly, the bird threw the rider to the ground and galloped out whence they had come.
"Tseng!"
He blinked, dazed, until his eyes focused on the small figure hovering in front of his face. Then, with a gasp, he leapt to his feet and whipped his head around to stare at the dragon. Tseng could only watch in horror as an eyelid cracked open, sliding upward just enough to reveal an eye as blue as the sky on a pale winter morn. The creature took a breath, then blew a great puff of smoke through its nostrils.
"What the hell's goin' on? Can't a guy take a nap in peace 'round here?"
The booming voice reverberated off the cave walls and rattled the very bones in their bodies. The crossbow in Tseng's hands trembled, too. It took every ounce of his willpower not to turn tail like the unibo and flee for his life.
"You do not scare us, foul beast!" cried Elena. " You shall pay dearly for your crimes!"
The pupil shifted to focus on the being fluttering by the dragon's massive head.
"Huh?"
"We have come to liberate the princess," said Tseng, "and to seek revenge for a cake cut down before its prime."
"Ain't no princesses 'round here. No cake, neither. Now piss off. I got a nap to finish, yo."
The eye snapped shut. Soon, the cave's air vibrated with the sounds of steady breaths.
Tseng glanced at his companions. Rude shrugged, but the pixie was so red in the face he feared she might combust.
"False words won't save you from justice, fiend!" shrieked she and threw a fistful of pixie dust in the dragon's face.
The explosion was drowned out by the mighty roar. The beast pushed itself up on its hind legs, shaking the ground with a powerful smash of its long tail. Towering over them, the dragon raised its hands, splaying wicked claws curved like sickles.
"The hell's wrong with ya?" it whined, clutching its face. "That frickin' hurt!"
Upon seeing the distress on the dragon's face, the adventurers were overcome with shame, for they could now see that this noble creature was made of much awesome. Tseng wavered but for a moment, for his duty was clear. Honor demanded that he complete the king's quest to the best of his ability.
"We can see no princesses here, that is true, but we must investigate the thieving of the cake. A... " He glanced at the pixie. "A rumor places you at the scene. What say you to this?"
"Wasn't me."
The dragon glowered at him, its eyes bright with anger, and Tseng sensed no lie. However, he was not one to trust mere words.
"What proof have you of your innocence?"
"C'mon, look at me! Dragons are carnivores." The dragon patted its belly, covered in gleaming red scales. "If I eat even a lil' bit of cake, my guts will be twistin' in knots for days!"
The adventurers knew this to be true, but had never considered the consequences of a dragon's dietary needs. To think that a powerful creature like this could never partake in such a simple, sweet pleasure. The shame in their hearts was joined by pity.
"Forgive us, oh mighty dragon!" cried Elena, wringing her hands. "We were blinded by hasty assumptions and wronged you most grievously."
The dragon lowered its hands and gave a shrug.
"Eh, whatevs. I've got thick skin, no hard feelings. Hey, since you're here anyway, wanna hang out for a bit? Play truth or dare, maybe? Twenty questions?"
The adventurers traded uncertain looks. The duty of the royal quest weighed heavily upon their shoulders, but in their hearts of hearts they knew they could not make this magnificent creature suffer unjustly.
"We must return to the king with proof of the dragon's demise," said Elena, "lest he send others in our stead."
The dragon leveled its head with the trio, gazing upon them with suspicion.
"Uh, what proof?"
"King Shinra demands your eyes," explained Tseng.
"What?!"
"Well, to be exact, the king asked for just the one eye..." said Elena, giving the dragon an appraising look.
"What's up with you weirdos?" cried the dragon, yanking its head far out of reach. "I'm tryin' to be all diplomatic and shit, but you guys are makin' it real hard, yo."
"That won't be necessary," said Tseng. "We will seek a replacement and fool the king."
"Finally! An idea that doesn't, y'know, suck!"
"I heard rumors of a slain zolom in the great marshes," said Rude.
"Yeah, that's true. Some dude with a huge sword stuck one of 'em into a tree the other day."
"Then we have a plan," said Tseng. "We will find this impaled zolom, take one of its eyes and return to the king."
After fond farewells, the trio left the dragon in his cave and marched down the mountain. At the edge of the great marshes, they came upon the impaled body of the giant snake. Elena flew up to pop out an eye and Rude caught it in a sack. With a great sense of determination, and no small amount of apprehension, the adventurers returned to King Shinra.
The royal court bubbled with excitement upon their return. How thrilling, they murmured. Either a tale of untold bravery or a gruesome execution! Paying the crowd no heed, the trio stepped up to the king on his throne.
"Hail, King Shinra," called Tseng, standing tall and proud. "We have done your bidding. The dragon is slain!"
"I trust the dragon put up a formidable fight?" asked Reeve, the king's advisor.
"It did indeed, sire!" Elena hovered by Tseng's head, pointing at the missing half of his hair. "Behold our hero's hair, singed in battle!"
"Yes, yes, that's all well and good," said the king with a dismissive wave, "but what of your tasks?"
Rude hefted the sack off his shoulder and released its contents. The court gasped in unison as the fleshy orb rolled toward the feet of their king. It is done, they gibbered. The deed is done!
King Shinra scrutinized their prize with narrowed eyes.
"The fell beast of the mountain is described as having 'breath of fire, eyes of ice', is it not?"
"So I have heard, your highness," replied Tseng.
"This eye is yellow."
He glanced down, and felt a lurch in his gut.
"Yes, your highness."
"Have you ever seen yellow ice?"
"Um, well... It's not unheard of, if–"
"Enough!" yelled the king. "Where is my heir?"
"You called, Father?"
Heralded by the gasps of the court, a young man clad in finery of the purest white strolled into view.
"Rufus, my son! Where have you been?"
"In the library, attending to my studies as you wished."
"You said the child was a princess!" hissed Tseng to Elena.
"Don't blame me! It's so hard to tell the difference with you humans!"
Meanwhile, the king continued the questioning of his son.
"But you have missed meals for two days!"
"Fret not, Father. I commandeered a cake from the kitchens."
The king was struck speechless, but the court erupted in agitated murmurs. Reeve dropped his face in his palm with a sigh.
"You ate the cake?" cried King Shinra. "Why would you do such a thing?"
"I was in need of a snack," said the prince. "The cake sat right there on the table."
As the adventurers followed the royal conversation, their hearts filled to the brim with vexation.
"Let's go hang out with the dragon," said Tseng to his companions. "This is a silly place."
And so the trio returned to the mountain and lived happily ever after.
"Reno," Tseng sighed, "the President did not eat my birthday cake."
The other man scowled at him. The effect was somewhat lessened by the layer of flour dusting his face and bright red hair.
"'Course he did. Who else could've done it?"
"You!" Elena exclaimed. "Who else than you would have done it?"
Reno threw up his hands, sending puffs of flour across the countertop.
"Oh, c'mon, Laney, think I'd ruin it for ya? I know how hard you worked on it!"
The blonde sent a glance in Tseng's direction, her cheeks turning a bright pink.
"I-I didn't work on it that hard..."
"Yeah? This is pretty damn hard if ya ask me!" Reno shook the bowl of batter in her direction, then slammed it down hard enough to splatter some on his hands. "Y'know who would eat it and not give a shit?" he grumbled, wiping his hands on the frilly apron. "The Prez. 'Course it was the Prez."
"You saw him, then?" Tseng asked.
"No, but–"
"Am I to assume you found evidence at the scene?"
"Well, no, but the–"
"Someone else told you they saw it?" Elena asked, her poker face betrayed by her twitching lips.
"Dammit, guys," Reno groaned, "ya weren't s'posed to remember all the dumb details."
"We're Turks," Tseng said. "It's what we do. Speaking of dumb details, why bring back old President Shinra?"
"'Cause the story's meant to be back in 'ye olde times', duh."
"Uh huh. Mukki the bear, then?"
"And the Cosmo Canyon cat-dog?" added Rude, who stood guard by the kitchen door.
Reno let his head loll back in a grand display of frustration.
"C'mon, everyone knows a good story's gotta have talkin' animals. 'Sides, how else would Tseng have found the unibo?"
"Which brings me to my next question, 'why the unibo'?" Tseng said dryly.
"And why was I a pixie? And so annoying?"
"At least you weren't a monk."
"Why was I the only woman in the story, anyway? Oh, don't forget the cocoa."
Reno grabbed a spatula and stabbed half a cup of cocoa powder into the cake batter.
"You're all a bunch of joyless critics," he groused. "Jerks, too. I mean, what kinda bastards gang up on a guy while he's takin' a nap? That just ain't fair, yo."
Tseng arched an eyebrow.
"Since when do Turks fight fair?"
"C'mon, boss man, this is bullshit," Reno whined as he sloshed the batter into a baking tin. "You gotta know it was the Prez."
He shoved the cake into the oven and flipped it off before closing the hatch. Tseng waited until he had straightened up again.
"You're missing an important factor in this equation, Reno." A devilish smile spread across his features. "I can't make Rufus bake me a cake."
A/N: I recently read An Opinion On The Internet which claimed that all dragon stories and movies suck. This made me sad, as I think dragons are totally awesome, but I couldn't come up with a counterexample. (Can you? Let me know, I'd love to check it out!) That's when the dreaded sentence of doom hit my brain. You know the one. "I'll Do Better And Prove Them Wrong!" Yep, it struck me hard. I sat down, all fired up and ready to write a dragon story that would be the best dragon story in the history of ever, and my mind produced... this.