As Beautiful As Yesterday
Misa knows today will be like yesterday and tomorrow will be like today. Misa-centric.
Misa knows today will be like yesterday and tomorrow will be like today before she even opens her eyes. The space beside her is cold; Light has left already. She reaches an arm across the space, hoping in vain, daring to imagine his phantom touch and the whispered professions of love that she has only ever heard sincerely in her dreams. The space is cold.
She glances at the clock beside her and panics for a moment before realising that today is Thursday, and today Misa has a late start to work. She's not needed for filming until the afternoon; the director wants to to shoot a few background scenes for the film with the extras. He'd said it would be best if Misa wasn't there, because Misa gets bored easily and will want to go home to see her Light. This way, he'd said, she'd get to see her Light and he'd be free of distractions. They would both be happier that way.
But Misa isn't happy.
She listens for the quiet, calculated footsteps or the gentle touch of fingers on a laptop keyboard to little avail; oh how she yearns for him, fascinated by the man who is the love of her life and the embodiment of justice; her passion; her God.
She sits up in bed, because now she knows for sure that Light is not in the apartment. If Light is not there, and nobody else is in the vicinity, it's all right to be less than perfect. She doesn't have to be happy when other people aren't there. Misa sits up in bed with the sheets draped around her, not cold despite her shivers. All she feels is something missing, she's empty without him. She needs him here to convince her that she has everything and more, because sometimes if he's not she starts having doubts. She hates these forbidden thoughts. A weaker girl than Misa would cry, but Misa is strong, and Misa understands her place. She has respect, but likes to flirt with her boundaries. One day, Light may even love her back.
She doesn't register how long she sits there, but she becomes dimly aware that she is hungry because her stomache is growling. Years spent as a model have taught her to ignore stomache when it does said things, but nobody is around, and Misa feels she can indulge just a little, just for today, because it is today. Her body moves as though detached from her mind and she finds herself oddly unfocused; that a lot of her movements are like this now, fluid and sustainable but lacking passion. She's grown older and isn't as excitable as she used to be; she's lost some of her buoyancy; but none of her intelligence.
She is as intelligent today as she was the day she formulated the plan to learn his identity. Sometimes she thinks she understands what she is doing, what she is supposed to be and how Light manipulates her better than even he does. She knows he uses her, but she doesn't mind - not really, because Light saved her sanity the night he killed her parent's murderer. He saved her. She would be nothing without him and she owes everything to him. She'll give everything for him, and if Light decides she's not useful today, then so be it. Who is Misa to disagree with God?
She knows he sees her as a parasite, albeit a useful one. She knows he thinks her stupid and renders her incapable of making decisions by herself. He, on the other hand, knows that she thinks like this and knows that despite herself, she will continue to love and serve him, because in Misa's oh, so important eyes, these are the same thing.
Misa knows what love is; similarly, she knows her feelings aren't returned in anything more than faux words and sex. Ironically, when he's inside her she feels more empty than she admits even to herself and though his needs are honest and maybe, perhaps, his cries are honest, Misa can't find herself believing them. He is obsessed by his utopia, and Misa knows that this is more important on a larger scale. That's all right, she assures herself, because love is about giving and never having to receive anything in return. She owes him everything after all. She is willing to give him everything.
Misa finishes eating and realises with a start that she needs to be at work in an hour. Where did the morning go? Where did Light go? She puts on the outfit she bought last week and has not yet worn and gazes in the mirror hopefully, but today she sees only what she saw yesterday. Make up, she decides, is the way forward.
Make up, for all its symbolism, is not a mask that Misa hides behind. It is an extension to her personality, yes, but it serves no purpose in hiding her face. Kira knows her face. She does not need to hide herself in such a manner. Misa is already a good enough actress without a costume to put her in role and if Misa wants to be someone, then she is that someone, and after all, Misa's had years of practice. There are no inbetweens for Misa, as with all aspects of her life, she puts her everything into acting, because giving only half will get you nowhere.
Her make up is a little sloppy, but good enough to leave for work. Misa has been a little sloppy with her make up recently, but she knows the make up artist on set will fix her up and she needn't wear it at all but she likes having something to do with her hands as she sits in silence, waiting for the time to pass. She calls a cab and one arrives promptly, because Misa pays double so that she can wait less, for Misa hates the waiting.
She grabs a handbag filled with the neccesary supplies: her phones, lipstick, keys and a couple of pages from her hidden Death Note. Then she brushes a hand through her blonde hair to give it volume. She doesn't bother looking in the mirror again before she leaves; she doesn't flick the daily calendar from the day before.
Outside the door, her expression distorts until it is not reminiscent of early morning Misa. A stubborn frown is replaced by a wide, childish grin and a trademark high, girlish voice. She pulls herself vivaciously into the front seat besides the driver and asks him how he is, telling him about her week in the utmost detail though he doesn't return the question. This is good, Misa knows, because this is how Misa should be and as long as she remembers that, she understands. Today is no different from yesterday, and tomorrow will be like today.
A girlish laugh echoes throughout the hollow car as Misa responds to a question about her bubbly mood; "today is Light and Misa's anniversary," she giggles.