It Is What It Is
"I know you deserve much better, but I remember the time I told you the way that I felt"
Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse
Hiroki really should have been used to the chaotic life he led, especially ever since Nowaki came crashing into his life, but he wasn't. Maybe he was just getting old. A little over three weeks ago, Nowaki had sort of proposed to him after attending his boss' wedding; it had been almost tasteless in the romantic sense and there wasn't even a ring involved, but it had been enough to knock the breath from Hiroki's lungs, and he seemed to have been wandering around breathless ever since. He'd accepted it, of course, after putting up his usual front of thinking it was a useless idea if they couldn't actually legalize such a union, but it didn't take anything more but Nowaki's urging, loving smile and eager eyes for Hiroki to cave in, as always.
Something about the idea of wearing a ring, even if just at home, to symbolize what he and Nowaki meant to each other did things to Hiroki. He never thought he would become the kind of person who would get so giddy over just a ring, but Nowaki brought all kinds of parts of him out that he didn't even know existed. He really wouldn't have it any other way… not that Nowaki would ever hear that from him, it was far too embarrassing to admit even to himself. But it wasn't like Nowaki didn't already know that; Hiroki knew that his lover knew him better than he even knew himself.
The first week after the impromptu sort of proposal was normal. Hiroki continued to deal with his idiot students, who were getting even more restless the closer it got to finals, and Nowaki continued saving children's lives at the hospital. They spent all the time they could together when they were home at the same time, even if it was just taking a thirty minute nap curled up together on the bed or couch, or sitting at the dining table in silence as Nowaki studied up on the latest advances in modern medicine while Hiroki graded his students' latest essays. The routine was familiar, comfortable, and Hiroki found security in it as always. But then it changed swiftly, and unexpectedly, without warning.
It really wasn't as drastic of a change as Hiroki's own body and mind made it out to be, but it was still a change nonetheless, and one that made him uncomfortable. Nowaki suddenly started taking more shifts at the hospital, stepping in for co-workers that wouldn't be able to make it in, or even willingly taking overtime when they had plenty of staff available for the number of patients admitted. Hiroki, of course, knew how important Nowaki's job was to him and how much he actually loved it, so he didn't say anything. Nowaki was working harder than ever to gain his full title as a pediatrician, a doctor instead of just a student and intern, and Hiroki did his job as Nowaki's partner to stand by him and support him. The extra hours spent away from home and separation between them was hard, and it sucked at night when Hiroki returned to bed without Nowaki's arms to keep him warm at night, but he dealt with it like the grown man he was.
But then, on one of the nights that Nowaki was supposed to be at the hospital working, Hiroki spotted him out in the city. It had been around eleven at night on a Saturday, and he and Nowaki originally planned to spend that evening together alone at home, but then Nowaki called him from the hospital and told him he had to stay because they were short on staff. Hiroki swallowed his disappointment and told Nowaki to work hard, and Nowaki returned it with an "I love you" as he so often did. Feeling lonely, he'd returned the affectionate words without a blush or stammer, and really, the stunned silence on the other line made it all worth it.
To ignore the silence and emptiness of the apartment, Hiroki headed out to stop by the library and bookstore like he often did when he was longing for company. He was on his way back from the library and made a stop in one of the local midnight markets to pick up a snack when he saw Nowaki's unmistakable silhouette from the corner of his eye. He had blinked multiple times, thinking that he was just seeing things the way he used to during the year Nowaki spent in America, but he hadn't been seeing things. It was Nowaki, standing at one of the markets, buying a dessert for a woman standing with him, chatting away. When he handed her the dessert, she said something that made him toss his head back and laugh, in that same unguarded way that only Hiroki thought was reserved for him and him alone. He'd stood there, clutching at the bag of books in his hand, like an idiot as Nowaki and the pretty woman ambled on down the street. He watched them until they turned a corner and headed down deeper into the city towards the hotel district.
Lump in his throat, Hiroki spun on his heel and walked out of the marketplace and went back home. He didn't chase after them, he didn't text or call Nowaki at all for the rest of that night. He told himself that Nowaki had to have had a perfectly reasonable reason for him to have lied to him about staying late at the hospital on the night they were supposed to be together. He had reminded himself of the proposal and the promise of a ring and told himself that Nowaki would show up the next morning, or even the next few days with a ring. He contented himself with that until the next few days passed and no ring was given to him, or even hinted at. He was given absolutely no explanation. He tried to not think about it too much.
He hadn't forgotten about the incident, but he successfully had pushed it in the back of his mind when he stumbled across Nowaki and the same woman again. This time he was at the convenience store closest to their apartment, and he'd been looking at the cheapest pack of beer when he heard Nowaki's voice. He was supposed to be at the hospital then as well, and when Hiroki hurriedly ducked into another aisle, he was hardly able to believe his eyes. It was definitely Nowaki, and it was certainly the same pretty, blonde haired woman that was with him from the last time. They'd picked up a couple of sodas and snacks, both laughing about something Hiroki was unable to focus on before they paid and left. The next morning, Nowaki had returned home tired and reeking of perfume.
Hiroki tried to not think of the option of cheating, he really did, but every road of explanations he traveled down always led to the same place. Cheating. An affair. Infidelity. Whatever word he wanted to use for it, the idea of Nowaki lying to him to go jump into bed with some floozy never escaped his head. It stared him straight in the face, explicit and mocking.
Hiroki tried to kill the possibility of cheating with the fact that Nowaki was currently dating him, a man, and that he wasn't interested in women at all, but Hiroki really didn't know that for a fact. He honestly had no idea what sexuality Nowaki classified himself in because he never cared enough to ask because he felt that it didn't matter, and it really shouldn't have, except now there was the possibility that Nowaki was cheating on him with a very beautiful, young woman.
Realistically, Hiroki always knew that there was the possibility that Nowaki would leave him for a woman. It wasn't because Nowaki ever gave him any reason for him to think that he would leave him (until now), but because Hiroki just couldn't offer Nowaki everything that a woman could. Hiroki wasn't stupid. He knew how much Nowaki loved children, he had chosen a career that revolved around them after all, and it wasn't a bizarre thought that Nowaki may want some of his own one day. Hiroki just couldn't give him that. If he could he would. He would give Nowaki everything in the world that he wanted if he had the ability to do so, but he couldn't.
The problem with homosexual relationships was that they kind of had a point where they couldn't go any further in terms of legal or social or familial milestones, at least in Japan now. He and Nowaki couldn't get married, even if Nowaki happened to drop down on one knee and offer him a ring. They couldn't exactly be open with their relationship in public without the very high chance of being ridiculed or insulted. They couldn't have a child, biological or adopted because of the laws in place in Japan. Homosexual relationships aren't embraced the same way that they are in America or Europe; in Japan, they can almost become suffocating and trapping just because of the simple fact that they couldn't do much more than live their life together in secrecy. Hiroki really couldn't blame Nowaki wanting to escape that if he had the chance, and Hiroki wouldn't stop that if that was what he really wanted.
Hiroki wasn't hurt because Nowaki found someone else, a woman that could provide him with more, not really. He understood that he could get inside Nowaki's head and understand exactly why he would want to find a new relationship with a woman. It wasn't his insecurities that were driving him to this conclusion, though they probably did have a play in him coming to the conclusion of Nowaki having an affair so quickly. He came to the final conclusion by thinking as logically as possible. If Nowaki had found a woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and start a family with them… well, what could Hiroki really do about that? He had nothing to offer Nowaki besides his love, and most of the time he didn't do a good job at all of showing Nowaki that he really did love him with his entire being. What hurt Hiroki most of all was the fact that Nowaki decided to go behind his back with this. Instead of being open and honest with him, instead of telling Hiroki the truth in saying that he just wanted and needed more, he decided to go behind his back instead and have the best of both worlds. It stung. It hurt more than Hiroki ever imagined something could. Even when Nowaki seemed to drop off the face of the Earth for a year it didn't hurt this bad, and that was because Nowaki wasn't deceiving him or stringing him along. This time he was.
Hiroki just couldn't understand why. If Nowaki was tired of him, if he finally had the epiphany that he could have someone better than Hiroki, then why was he continuing to put up a pretense in front of Hiroki? Had he just not figured out how to tell him? Was he worried about hurting his feelings or, worse, cause Hiroki to go back into his depressive state like he had when his naive dream of being Akihiko's lover burned to ashes with one uttered name in the throes of passion; or when Nowaki had seemingly disappeared off the planet, like he'd never been such a huge part of Hiroki's life.
Whatever his reasons were, Hiroki was sure that they were moronic. Nowaki is a cautious and careful person who will walk around on eggshells to avoid hurting people he cares deeply about. He was delicate and tender with both his words and body, always putting others before himself, no matter what the circumstance was. That was one of the things that really drew Hiroki to Nowaki and kept him by his side for all these years. Hiroki knew that he would never be the one to walk away from Nowaki or break things off with him. Nowaki, like his namesake, had swept in just like a typhoon: unyielding, unexpected, and unwanted, but refused to leave. Hiroki got swept up in it, got swept up in him, and lost himself in the blueness of his eyes and the warm strength of his arms encircling him. He forgot what life was without the chaotic twisting and turning, the fire-hot passion that never dwindled. He revolved his world around Nowaki, he molded his life to give Nowaki room inside of it, and he could no longer imagine his life without Nowaki in it.
Nowaki never adjusted his life quite in the same way that Hiroki had. Hiroki, during the time that he met Nowaki, was so sure that he would never find a love like Akihiko and he would spend the rest of his prime years falling into bed with men that he didn't care about and who didn't care for him in return. It had all been so lonely, the life he imagined for himself before Nowaki came stumbling in with a sheepish smile on his face, apologizing for nearly decapitating him with his model rocket. Hiroki could still see the memory so clearly in his mind; Nowaki's bright eyes, brimming with a passion Hiroki didn't understand at the time, his wide smile as he introduced Hiroki to the men sitting at the park with him that day, and the cool, triumphant grin as he spun Hiroki's key around his forefinger, the look in his eyes telling Hiroki that he won. And he did. He won and Hiroki seemed to lose again in this game of love.
But despite all this, Hiroki couldn't bring himself to get angry at Nowaki. As soon as he made the connection between Nowaki's work excuses and that pretty woman, he should have thrown Nowaki out on his ass. But he didn't. He almost did, but when he was standing there in their shared bedroom, all of Nowaki's bags sitting on the bed, that itself contained so many memories, half-packed and ready to be taken out of Hiroki's life forever, he couldn't do it. He'd slid to the hardwood floor on his knees, pressed his face to the foot of their bed and cried until he couldn't anymore. He couldn't remember a time when he showed such a blatant sign of weakness, but he was almost certain it was when he first learned Nowaki left him to go to America so many years ago. After he'd finished crying, he unpacked all of Nowaki's things and put them carefully back in the places that he found them in. When he was done, and he looked around the room, it looked as if nothing in their life had been altered, but there was a huge part of it that had; Hiroki had just been too weak to let the alterations show the nasty, unforgiving truth.
Hiroki loved Nowaki more than anything else in his life. Nowaki had become a part of Hiroki, and to see him leave will tear a piece of Hiroki out as well, and Hiroki couldn't bear it. It had hurt enough when Akihiko breathed Takahiro's name in his ear like a prayer, his cold hands caressing his cheeks. It had been hard enough when Nowaki left without warning to America, but Hiroki hadn't been quite unguarded then. He had expected the disappearance to happen one day, and when it did, it hurt in the same way as grieving for a loved one that was already expected to pass away. It hurt, and the ache always pressed down against his chest and body, but he continued on. That was until Nowaki got back with the truth about the misunderstanding and uttered the most beautiful promises into Hiroki's ear that night in the library. It was then when Hiroki let all his guard down, and when they'd brought their mouths together in a kiss, Hiroki is pretty damn sure he inhaled Nowaki into his lungs and never breathed him out.
Things at home were the same, or as similar as they could be. They still cooked dinner and breakfast for each other, Nowaki still woke Hiroki up with his favorite coffee on the mornings that he was there, and they enjoyed spending time together in the home as much as they could. And late at night, when the only light coming into their room was the soft glow of the moon, they made love as they always did. But Hiroki could feel his own sweltering desperation in those moments, in the way that he curled his legs tightly around Nowaki's waist, hugged him close to his body until almost no air could squeeze between them, and when he ducked his face into the crook of Nowaki's neck, his moans coming out like sobs as they neared the edge together. And when they came, Hiroki would hide his tears in Nowaki's hair, his whole body trembling and he convinced himself his tears were from the pleasure and intimacy. It didn't take a couples counselor to tell him that the tears expressed something different entirely.
Now, three months into this fiasco, Hiroki felt as if he was going to lose his mind. The extra shifts at the hospital didn't stop, the unfortunate run-ins with Nowaki and his new… whatever she was to him didn't stop either. Hiroki has seen them out and about together a total of four times, and it was getting to the point where Hiroki refused to go anywhere late at night if Nowaki claimed that he had to take over someone else's shift at the hospital. Hiroki knew that he was killing himself slowly by drawing this out, by selfishly clinging to Nowaki when it was so obvious that his heart and mind were with someone else. He knew all that but… he couldn't let him go, not yet.