You're Too Young to Be This Empty, a castle fanfic

Author's Commentary: Here's another one of my songfics, but this one's a good deal longer. My mom pointed out that Beckett seemed a little out of character, so I decided I'd say something: this is not showing all of Beckett's personality. The point of this fic is to show the vulnerable side of her, a side we so rarely see in the show. I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters. If I did, Castle and Beckett would already be married and have a bunch of little Caskett babies. Also, Secret Life is not mine, it's Thriving Ivory's. All rights and junk to respective owners, blah blah blah...

You're Too Young to Be This Empty
Dedicated to alwaysaGryffindor.

Hangs up her coat like always
Wouldn't have it any other way
The TV glows in her apartment
Much better than most company
Is something on your mind?
Hands are cold as ice

The click of the lock reverberated throughout the quiet apartment as Beckett closed the door, the loneliness of it striking her, like someone saying "You have no life." Just another day spent at the precinct, doing nothing but paperwork so boring even Castle left. She finally allowed herself the luxury of thinking about him for once, about how much she had missed his presence that day. She dropped her keys on the kitchen counter and draped her jacket over a chair, each sound magnified in the quiet. After changing into more comfortable clothes, she tried to settle into her after work routine, but she didn't have the will to stay in rhythm. Sitting motionless on a barstool, the silence became too much to bear, and she switched on the TV and the kitchen radio just to hear some human voices. Then she cranked up the bedroom radio, and opened a window for good measure, the sounds of the streets mixing with the chaos inside. But it didn't relieve her mood.

Curling up in the corner of the couch, Beckett found herself missing her mom. And Castle. She was shocked that this man who had inserted himself into her life had become so important to her that he now ranked up with her mother. She ran her hand over her face and into her hair, frustrated and confused, then reached for her phone. She dialed the number she knew by heart, and waited. It didn't even ring but went straight to voicemail,

"You've reached the phone of Johanna Beckett, civil rights attorney. I'm sorry I missed your call; please leave your name, number, and a short message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Beckett slowly hung up and dropped the phone, which landed with a clatter on the tile, and took a shaky breath. Usually hearing her mom's voice made her feel better, even when the words themselves meant nothing, but today they left her feeling even more alone. Because she knew that she would never get a return call. She knew the phone was turned off, sitting in a shoebox somewhere in her dad's apartment.

You dance like a queen
In spite of all the things you never wanted
When you're left out in the cold
You dance like a queen
Your silhouette is still my reflection
You speak to me in riddles
You speak to me in riddles

An hour later, Beckett was still sitting on the couch when she heard a knock at the door. She hastily wiped a couple tears from under her eyes, and pushed herself up off the couch. She wrenched her door open, and her stomach did a weird little flip when she saw who was standing on the other side.

"Castle?"

He took in the sight of the always-pulled-together Detective Beckett standing in the doorway, barefoot in sweatpants and a camisole, mascara smudged and looking completely bewildered.

"Uhm, hi, Beckett. You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. What, what are you doing here?" Beckett put her arm up against the doorframe and leaned comfortably across the opening between her apartment and the hallway outside.

"Have you eaten yet?"

"No… Why?"

"Great!" Rick pushed past her into the apartment, and set a pizza box that had previously gone unnoticed on the counter. Beckett just stood by the still-open door, a little stunned at Castle's familiarity with her and her home. He reached over and switched off the radio, then looked at the TV, and raised an inquisitive eyebrow at Beckett.

"I just couldn't take the quiet anymore, you know…" she muttered, as she turned off Fox news.

Castle just nodded, and started serving the pizza.

"Thanks, Castle."

They ate in companionable silence, Kate wondering how in the world he knew she had needed him so badly at that moment. Rick just watched her eat, cleaning her kitchen, giving her the space she clung to without making her feel alone. After she had eaten almost half the pizza singlehandedly, Kate pushed the box away with her fingertips, and took a deep breath. Instead of Febreeze and the still-lingering smoky odor that her apartment usually smelled like, she inhaled Nick's Authentic Pizza and Castle's cologne. She smiled at the pleasant combination. Despite the survivor in her telling her to shut him out, this felt right.

Castle spent another hour with Beckett, mostly sitting in silence on the couch, his arm gently wrapped around her. She had stiffened when he had first touched her, but then she relaxed and just let him comfort her, keep her calm. He never let on that he knew how close she had come to falling apart that night, but once the clock neared quarter to ten he knew he shouldn't overstay his welcome.

"Alexis wanted me to help her with a project she has due… I should probably head home."

"Oh, yeah… Well, um, thanks Castle. For dinner, and keeping me company. That was really sweet."

"Anytime."

Puts on her face like breathing
Another day in black and red
Coat is old
Car seat's freezing
And a radio that just wont play

As she stepped off the elevator at the precinct the next morning, Beckett put on a smile and her get-it-done attitude so no one would know how vulnerable she had been the night before. She was kicking herself for letting Castle of all people see her like that, and yet she knew that he was the person she wanted most to know. She sat rigidly in her chair, opening another folder of paperwork, when she heard the elevator ding. Her head snapped up at the sound, and although she kept on her cool exterior, big brother Esposito saw her tenseness diminish at the sight of Castle walking through the doors. He grinned and shook his head, turning back to his work as Kate received her daily coffee. Ryan hung up his phone with a slam and called out, "New case!" Castle grabbed Kate's jacket and helped her into it as Ryan exchanged a look with Esposito, and rattled off the address.

As they were driving to the crime scene, Castle started messing with the buttons on the dash of Beckett's unmarked car, smacking the side when the radio wouldn't turn on. In response to his abuse, the heater turned off as well, and he couldn't get it back on.

"Great job, Castle, I was hoping to make it till April before I had to get this thing serviced."

"You really need a new car."

She just rolled her eyes and took another sip of her coffee. To counter how much she'd let him in last night, she was extra prickly today, but Castle's exuberance was unquenchable. He had just started to get on her last nerve when they pulled up to the scene, and Beckett slammed the door on his chatter, giving her a brief moment of silence before his opened and he emerged, monologue uninterrupted. His babble petered out as they approached the yellow tape, and he watched Beckett's face as she lifted "Police line: do not cross" over her head. Castle saw a barely perceptible hint of pain flash across her face as she thought,

I never asked for my life to be this way. But it is. This one's for you, Mom.

And Castle resisted the urge to pull her into a bear hug and not let go.

Beckett sat at the bar at the Old Haunt alone that night, twirling her straw absentmindedly through her drink.

"Drinking alone is a depressing thing, Detective." Esposito seated himself on an empty barstool beside Beckett and leaned forward onto the bar. "I wouldn't advise it."

"How'd you find me?" Beckett asked, baffled.

Esposito smiled. "You didn't go home, and you weren't with Lanie, Castle, or Josh. I just guessed you might be here."

Kate just shook her head as Esposito ordered a drink, then sighed. "What am I doing here, Javi? I just… I never asked for any of this!" She dropped her voice as she let out her frustration. "I never wanted my life to go this way. And I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything anymore! What am I doing, what am I living for?" She rubbed her forehead and then rested her cheek on her fist.

"No one ever asks for what life hands them, Kate. But you stood strong where most people would break. You got your dad through something others would just use as another excuse to give up. Now you bring justice to people who deserve it, living a legacy your mom would be proud of. You got people who love you Kate, all around you. And when you feel like everybody else has left you, I'll be here for you, Hermana, and so will everyone at the Twelfth." Javier put a brotherly arm around her shoulders and gave her a quick squeeze before getting up and walking towards the door.

Beckett blinked and ran her hand over her hair. Just before the door had closed after Esposito, she looked up again and simply said, "Thanks, Javi."

Is something on your mind?
Hands are cold as ice she says
Tell me about your secret life
And all the things you've seen
Tell me what you think of me

Beckett sat hugging her knees on her windowseat, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and a glass of Coke sitting forgotten on the hardwood. She was staring out the window at the soft glow of city lights, still too bright to see stars even though it was almost midnight. She sighed, wanting to forget the dull ache in her chest for once. The ache that never let her leave someone's death unsolved. The ache that was sharpened at any reminder of her mother. The ache that, she had to admit, also urged her to stop pushing Castle away. But she still refused to be vulnerable. She'd worked too hard building her walls to let just anybody waltz right in and knock them all down.

But Castle's not just anybody.

At that moment, You Talk Too Much started echoing through her quiet apartment. Beckett's blanket slipped from her hands, forgotten, and landed in a heap on the floor as she jumped up and grabbed her cellphone.

"Castle?" she said breathlessly.

"Beckett, hey, are you alright?" Castle's voice asked over the line.

"Uhm, yeah, I'm fine… Why?"

"I just got this feeling that I should call you, like you needed something."

Beckett couldn't keep the smile out of her voice when she lied, "No, no, I'm fine. But, um… thanks for calling."

There was a pause on the other side of the phone. Beckett wondered what he was thinking and flinched at the thought that she had let him in –again. "Anytime you need anything though, Beckett, anything, I'll be there."

"I know. Thanks."

"Always."

Beckett bit her lip; hearing Castle's voice always made her smile on the inside. She was so glad he called her, even though she would never tell him that. She heard rustling on the other end and could tell Castle was about to end the conversation. "Please don't hang up yet. I… I'd like to keep talking to you."