Warning: Spoilers. That's all I will say. Oh, and, funny parts where there shouldn't be ;D
Takes place in that bonus chapter of Death Note. You know, where there's another Death Note about, and where L and Light are long gone? Yeah. This puts a funny spin on what could have happened. Inspired by my friend Chiyoko Konoha of the Fearful Five ;D
Near, or, as the public knows him, L began to prepare for his announcement that was due to begin in five minutes. Of course, no one knew that except for him. After the first L was killed by Kira, and the second L was killed because he was Kira, Near was officially living as L. He didn't exactly mind. He liked having the power. But now, there was an imposter Kira who killed only the elderly. Near was disgusted. This was an insult to L, who thought Kira to be a crime worth risking his life against, and the actual Kira, who managed to reduce crime rate by 70.
The broadcast came on loud and clear, the bold, italic L flashing onto the blank white screen. Near resisted the urge to grin, despite the fact that he never did, anyway. Outside, in the world, people were exclaiming at the fact that L was back on the scene. After all, Kira had just reappeared.
Near sat comfortably in his room, filled with card towers. "Japan –No, the entire world- to everyone watching this monitor: This is L. The mass murders that are happening in Japan right now…"
Everyone held their breath, anxiously awaiting L's announcement.
"I am not involved in them in any way."
After a shocked moment of silence, police and detective agencies around the world burst into activity. Murmurs of "What's he saying?? Not involved! Is he crazy?!" could be heard everywhere. Near continued.
"The mass murderer is not Kira. I'll go as far as to say that much."
Citizens gossiped eagerly. "Not Kira? If L says it isn't Kira, then it isn't…" could be heard everywhere as people discussed L's announcements thus far.
"If it was Kira, I would fight, but I won't take part in what's happening right now. I have deduced all of Kira's killing methods." Near spoke as he continued building his card towers. If anyone came in and destroyed them all, he'd be pissed off. Probably pissed off to the point of insanity. "The criminal is probably using the same methods to kill his victims. However…"
Again, the world waited in silence for Near's announcement.
"I have no interest in this criminal. I don't get involved with cases I'm not interested in." By now, Near was sure that one day, he would wake up to see millions of "I Hate L, He's a Fucking Bastard" websites. Then again, Near thought, that might day might come in two minutes.
The world and its people chattered about, not hesitating to criticize L's decision. Some stood with him, some stood against.
"I think it's something the Japanese State Police should take care of internally."
The NPA gaped.
"What?! Near, you bastard!" someone cried.
The NPA decided they didn't need L or Near as said detective continued.
"However, 'I won't get involved' is not reason enough to hijack the airwaves. Therefore, let me personally say one thing to the criminal," Near said as he continued building his card towers. He had completed fifty-eight towers of various sizes, ranging from his height to the ceiling of the thirty-foot tall room in which he inhabited.
If anyone knocked one over, they were bound to knock all of them over. But, Near figured, the possibility of that happening was less that two percent. So he continued with his announcements, twirling his hair around a finger.
"You abominable murder—FUCK!" Near's finger had accidentally nudged a card just enough with his finger that he ended up knocking it out of formation. Like dominoes, the cards collapsed on the man as he cried out.
Now, how would that sound to the public?
"You abominable murder—FUCK!! !# ! # ! #" L cried as a large, crashing sound similar to an avalanche erupted through the speakers on their TVs. Amazingly enough, the detective knew more profanities than a sailor did, and used them all quite efficiently.
Sadly, the public was not as fortunate as the readers, for they heard every single profanity that the revered detective uttered.
"Mommy, what does !# mean?" A little girl asked her mother.
"Shush, honey, don't ever use that word again." To herself, the mother muttered, "I'm going to sue that detective."
As Near continued to spit out various cuss words, he thought to himself, "I'm never hijacking the airways live again. It's a disaster."