Title: Strokin'
Author: ihkny
Characters/Pairing: Jiraiya, various. Hints of Gaa/Saku
Type: One-shot
Genre: Humor
Word Count: 2738
Theme: Random song ficlet #2
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto. Strokin' belongs to Clarence Carter.
Summary: Jiraiya's adventure around Konohagakure, the kunoichi he pisses off, and the beatings he receives for his perverse endeavors.
"Strokin' "
When I start makin' love, I don't just make love... I be strokin'
That's what I be doin', huh
I be strokin'
The tall walls surrounding the women's hot spring loomed before him as he observed them conspiratorially. This obstacle never failed in its attempt to hinder him in his quest for research. There were other factors that stood in the way as well, particularly the naked beauties soaking in the warm waters just beyond the monstrosity obstructing his view. But he had a strategy, one he'd been using for years. A quick series of hand seals to perform the Tōton Jutsu and he leapt to perch himself atop the baths' wall.
What good deed had he unknowingly committed to be graced with the delicious sight of the full figured Hyuuga goddess loitering among the other bathing belles? His eyes were wide as he took in the flushed porcelain skin and long indigo locks that fanned around her in the spring. The water lapped at the swell of her breasts, taunting him to come closer and inspect from a better position. His jaw slacked; tongue lolling from the side, nostrils flared as he giddily noted the image to memory.
I stroke it to the east
And I stroke it to the west
And I stroke it to the woman that I love the best
I be strokin'
Hyuuga Neji was a suspicious man by nature. So when he exited Konoha's public onsen that he and his cousin had visited after a particularly fierce spar, and felt as if something was out of place he quickly activated his Byakugan to search the immediate area. A cursory glance around the vicinity proved nothing to be out of the ordinary; however, his instincts screamed at him to look up. Rage boiled within his body at the sight above him.
Let me ask you somethin'...
What time of the day do you like to make love
Have you ever made love just before breakfast
Have you ever made love while you watched the late, late show
Well, let me ask you this
Have you ever made love on a couch
Well, let me ask you this
Have you ever made love on the back seat of a car
I remember one time I made love on the back seat of a car
And the police came and shined his light on me, and I said:
Jiraiya had the sneaking suspicious that he was in danger, and as a kunai flew passed his head he became quite certain the deadly aura radiating from below him meant business. Ebony eyes locked on pearly white as Hyuuga Neji glared murderously at him, poised in the juken fighting style commonly used by the Hyuuga clan members.
"I will close every one of your tenketsu if I ever catch you spying on Hinata-sama again, Ero-sennin." was directed at him icily, seconds before Neji launched into an attack. Jiraiya hauled ass away from the Konoha hot springs; he may have been old, but he had more experience in these kinds of situations… namely, running like a bat out of hell in the face of imminent doom.
I'm strokin', that's what I'm doin', I be strokin'
I stroke it to the east
And I stroke it to the west
And I stroke it to the woman that I love the best
I be strokin'
'Whew' he thought as he came to a stop among Konoha's forested training grounds. The longhaired girly-man had given him a run for his money and landed a few hits. Jiraiya swore as he rubbed at his sore spots, attempting to sooth the injured body areas. The boy's words rang through his mind as he thought back to the start of the recent events.
"I will close every one of your tenketsu if I ever catch you spying on Hinata-sama again, Ero-sennin."
That damn brat Naruto was spreading that name around! He was going to kill him when he got his hands on the boy again. He paused as he thought over the statement, realization dawning on him. How had he known he'd been focusing on the Hyuuga heiress?! He was interrupted from his musings as the sound of battle reached his ears. Upon closer inspection he was greeted by the sight of Maito Gai's protégé Rock Lee and the lean form of his bunned, coffee haired female teammate dueling.
Let me ask you something...
How long has it been since you made love, huh?
Did you make love yesterday
Did you make love last week
Did you make love last year
Or maybe it might be that you plannin' on makin' love tonight
But just remember, when you start making love
You make it hard, long, soft, short
And be strokin'
I be strokin'
His gaze was immediately drawn to her state of undress, clad only in a pair of black training shorts and matching sports bra with a short sleeved mesh undershirt over top. Her bangs clung to her forehead and nape of her neck with sweat as it fell from its bindings. Rivulets of perspiration slid down her collarbone, disappearing down the valley of her breasts, over the toned abs of her stomach, and down the length of her legs as she dodged, blocked, and countered the attacks of her opponent fluidly. He frowned as they stopped in their dance and looked to him. He had unconsciously moved in to the clearing for a better inspection of the lithe female's body.
I stroke it to the east
And I stroke it to the west
And I stroke it to the woman that I love the best, huh
I be strokin'
Now when I start making love to my woman
"Jiraiya-san! What a pleasure it is to be graced with your presence! Is there anything we can do for you upon this youthful summer day?!" Apparently the kid had picked up quite a few of Maito Gai's more grating and disturbing qualities. A sly look flittered across Jiraiya's features as he turned his gaze to the tawny eyed brunette.
"Sure, I'd love to teach you some special techniques" he leered at the girl. Her eyes narrowed in anger at his blatant suggestion. What he hadn't counted on was for the bushy-browed, spandex-wielding boy to actually interpret his real meaning.
"How dare you! Jiraiya-san your youthfulness is tainted by your perverse mind! I CHALLENGE YOU TO 1000 PELVIC THRUSTS FOR THE DISRESPECT YOU HAVE SHOWN TENTEN! I WILL PROTECT HER BUDDING FLOWER OF INNOCENCE!" the bug-eyed male declared. Jiraiya however was not listening as the woman began a flurry of assaults on him with an array of various weapons. And as she lifted a rather large mace and came at him, he decided now was as good a time as ever to pick back up practicing self preservation.
I don't stop until I know she's sasi-fied
And I can always tell when she gets sasi-fied
'Cause when she gets sasi-fied she start calling my name
She'd say: 'Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter
Clarence Carter, ooooh shit, Clarence Carter'
The other night I was strokin' my woman
And it got so good to her, you know what she told me
Let me tell you what she told me, she said:
He grit his teeth as he pulled the shuriken and kunai littering his body out, noting that the stories about the girl being a perfect marksmen and the resident Weapon Mistress of Konoha were accurate. He took in his surroundings and was rather confident that he could hear the sound of running water nearby. He made his way towards the noise, pausing as he heard voices within hearing range.
'Stroke it Clarence Carter, but don't stroke so fast
If my stuff ain't tight enough, you can stick it up my...' WOO!
I be strokin' Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I be strokin'
"I'm going to change Shika-kun, so keep an eye out for me, k?"
Jiraiya's eyes twinkled at the prospective gold mine he had stumbled upon. A girl changing, that meant nakedness galore! He stealthily moved to find the female amongst the wooded region, hiding behind a large tree trunk after locating her. It was that loud blonde chit alwayscompeting with Tsunade's pretty little apprentice. She stood with her back facing him - much to his disappointment - as she proceeded to untie her bikini top. The long wet strands of platinum hair pulled in to a high pony tail hung over her left shoulder as she fiddled with the knots.
Jiraiya began to inch around the female to get a better view, specifically a frontal shot of the lovely fair-haired girl's chest. He grinned perversely, his fingers twitching at his sides itching to touch her. He blinked in confusion at the abrupt halt of his digits' movement, glancing down at them in wonder as he tried to wiggle them. 'What the hell?' he thought. Suddenly a voice spoke behind him, a lazy drawl coating the tone.
"You're on Nara clan land, Jiraiya-san."
Fuck, he'd been caught by the Nara genius in the clan's Kagemane no Jutsu.
"Mendokusai… now she's going to be pissed and loud…" he muttered to himself before calling out to the girl.
"Ino, you have an audience." Apparently the girl had finished changing during the recent turn of events as she appeared. Her eyes narrowed in anger as her cheeks flushed before she began her onslaught of curses and beating him senseless.
"PERVERT! I'm going to kick your old, wrinkled ass! How dare you even THINK you could spy on one such as me!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs as the pineapple headed boy muttered 'women…' and 'troublesome…' under his breath. He seemed to take pity on Jiraiya as he released the older shinobi from his jutsu.
I stroke it to the east
And I stroke it to the west
And I stroke it to the woman that I love the best, huh
Jiraiya appeared before the doors of the Hospital's entrance with one thought on his mind: get Tsunade to treat his wounds and somehow manage to grope her. He entered the building and headed for the floor he could sense her chakra on.
I be strokin'
I be strokin' Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I be strokin', Yeah!
I be strokin'
"TSUNADE-CHAN!" he called as he caught sight of the busty blonde speaking to her rosette haired apprentice. They both looked in his direction; Tsunade glaring at him, Sakura frowning at the injuries littering his battered and bruised body. Just what had he been up to today?
"What do you want Jiraiya? I don't have time for your nonsense."
"I'm injured! Won't you heal my wounds?" he pleaded, extending his arms to embrace her. Unfortunately he was met with a fist to the face as she knocked him back.
"No. I'm sure you deserve them for whatever you did to those poor women." Jiraiya whimpered in pain before turning his attention to his student's best friend.
"Sakura-chan! Help an old man out would you? I'm sure I need a check-up, and oh my back! Maybe even a sponge bath, I don't think I can move to do it myself." Sakura's eyebrow twitched at the pervert as he stumbled in to her, his right hand coming to rest on her chest, his left groping her ass. It was then that Naruto decided to show up and Inner Sakura reared her forehead branded self.
Within the Kazekage tower of Sunagakure, jade eyes narrowed in to slits, his Sakura senses tingling. Someone was touching what was not theirs… And they would pay dearly. The sand outside of Suna's protective walls swirled violently, shinobi patrolling the village's border observed the occurrence in trepidation.
'DESTROY HIM! HE'S TOUCHING THE TA-TAs! DOOM! HE IS DOOOOOOOOOOMED! They are property of the Kazekage ONLY!' the voice yelled in her head, shaking its fists furiously at the white haired sannin before her, promising death.
"ERO-SENNIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO SAKURA-CHAN?! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH HER!"
"SHANNARO!" Sakura's fist embedded itself into the man's cheek followed swiftly by a chakra enhanced kick to the nuts. Jiraiya's eyes bugged out before he fell to his knees in pain, tears streaking down his face.
"Do… don't… call me… Ero-s...sennin… brat…" he wheezed out in a squeak. Naruto ignored him as he chased his emerald eyed best friend down the hall of the hospital, yelling something or other about ramen.
Tsunade grinned as she stared at Jiraiya's crumpled form, clearly amused at his expense. She walked away laughing, waving a hand back at her fallen comrade.
"Don't fuck with my student Jiraiya!" she called over her shoulder in mirth.
I stroke it to the north
I stroke it to the south
I stroke it everywhere
I even stroke it with my... Woo!
I be strokin'
I be strokin' Ha! Ha!
I be strokin'
Author's Notes:
The song Strokin' by Clarence Carter makes me think of Jiraiya whenever I hear it. So listen to it while you read this.
Tōton Jutsu - Transparent Escape Technique, this jutsu allows the user to spy on foes up close or at a distance, and by the name possibly allows the user to appear transparent or invisible to the opponent
Byakugan – The Hyuuga Clan's kekkei genkai, an almost 360-degree field of vision, can see through solid objects, and has a degree of telescope sight in which the user can hone in specifically on their target.
Tenketsu – chakra points
Juken – Gentle Fist, the Hyuuga Clan's primary fighting style
Ero-sennin – Perverted Hermit, Naruto's nickname for Jiraiya
Kagemane no Jutsu – the technique Shikamaru uses to capture his opponent with his shadow to immobilize or force them to mimic his own actions.
Mendokusai – Shikamaru's customary remark, "Troublesome."