Fifth Movie Dinner Scene - Unrated

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Dinner at the House of Black becomes a little awkward. This is how it really happened.

Warning: Slashy!

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, it belongs to J.K. Rowling.

A/N: This is written by both of us (Freddie and Georgia) and it's pure crack. This is what happens when we get bored whilst video editting.

"Ronald Weasley!" bellowed Molly Weasley, as the Order sat down to dinner. "I found something very interesting in your pants yesterday!"

Ron gaped at her with wide eyes. "What!?"

"Your pants! I was doing the laundry yesterday and I found something in your pants!" She waved a note in his face while Ron let out a sigh of relief. "What is this!?" She demanded.

"I don't know," he said with a shrug, no longer concerned. "What does it say?"

"'Let's do it tonight.'"

"Excuse me?" He gasped.

"That's what it says! It says, 'Let's do it tonight!' What exactly is this supposed to mean!? Who sent this to you!?"

Ron nodded. "Oh yeah, I remember that. It's from Harry."

The rest of the Order, who had been sitting silently, now stared at Ron and Harry in shock.

"Harry, Ron," Lupin said gently. "I think it's time we had a little talk…"

Sirius nodded from his spot at the head of the table. "Yes, yes, I definitely agree."

"Harry," Lupin started, "do you like boys?"

"Well, yeah," Harry answered, totally misunderstanding the question. Ron snickered, catching on immediately.

Lupin nodded and gazed at Sirius, who said, "That's good for you Harry, good for you. Most boys your age would be ashamed to admit it! I know your father was…"

"We were too, at first." Lupin added, shifting his gaze back to Harry. "But then we realized the importance of being honest with one's self."

Harry stared at them blankly. He opened his mouth to ask for clarification, but was cut off by a loud crack! from under the table.

"What are you doing!?" Ron hissed glancing uncertainly under the table.

"What was that?" Arthur asked.

"Er-- Crookshanks." Ron said, blushing. He leaned under the table again. "Go away, Crookshanks!" He straightened in his chair, shifting uncomfortably.

Ginny was the only one to notice Crookshanks was sleeping on the other side of the room.

Lupin cleared his throat, drawing Harry's attention back to 'the talk.' "You see, Harry, now that you're one step ahead of most boys, I suppose I should make something clear--"

There was a faint zipping sound, and Ron gasped suddenly. "No, no," He hissed. "Stop!" His faced had turned an interesting shade of crimson.

"Pardon me?" Lupin asked, offended.

"Uh, the salt!" Ron said quickly. "Pass it- Don't pass it that way! This way! To me! I need it! I really, really need it!"

"Oh, um, certainly." Lupin said, handing Ron the salt shaker, which quickly fell from Ron's hand and was left untouched on the table. "Yes, well, as I was saying –and do pay attention, Ron!- there are certain -shall we say- extra risks involved in this sort of behaviour, so I hope you've been taking the proper precautions."

"Oh, yes, definitely." Harry answered with a nod. Were they talking about Voldemort now?

"Right. Good. Because, as you know, life is not a soccer game!" Sirius interjected.

"But," Harry started, unsure. "I like balls. I never got to play with them when I lived with the Dursleys…" Hermione snorted a laugh, but Harry continued, unfazed. "But I get to play with them all the time now that I'm at Hogwarts!" He was thinking about Quidditch, but nobody else was.

"Now, Harry," Lupin said sternly. "You need to practice such things only in moderation. You're a little young to be so involved in those kinds of activities."

Ron made a small choking sound and flailed suddenly, nearly falling out of his chair.

"No need to be ashamed, Ron!" Sirius said with a laugh. "It's perfectly natural!"

"Oh yes," Mad Eye Moody growled, focusing his magical eye on a spot on the table in front of Ron.

"Glad you agree!" Sirius said, thumping him on the back. "After you made fun of Lupin and I for so long, I'm happy to see you're finally warming up to the subject! After all, we do live in a modern age, tolerance should be practiced!"

"Wait a minute," Harry cut in. "What do you mean? What about you and Professor Lupin?"

"We were exactly like you and Ron are, Harry," Sirius said in his best fatherly voice. "We just weren't as open about it. And Mad Eye really liked to give us a hard time."

"Oh, yes," Mad Eye said again, even louder than before. "Oh, that's good, oh very good, yes…"

"Alright, Mad Eye?" Molly asked, concerned. "Are you not feeling well?"

"Er—" He seemed to snapped back to attention, but his magical eye stayed trained on that one spot on the table. "I'm fine. The, er, chicken. Merlin, that chicken smells good! Someone pass it this way!"

Everyone turned to Ron expectantly, as the chicken was sitting right in front of him. However, he was gasping and writhing, as if the room was entirely too hot for comfort. He didn't appear to have heard Mad Eye at all.

Lupin, who had had enough of Ron's antics, reached across the table and passed Mad Eye the chicken himself. He then turned to scold Ron. "Ron, that was very impolite of you,"

"YES!" Ron shrieked, arching off his chair.

"So you see the error of your ways? Do apologize to Mad Eye,"

"OH YES!" Ron fell forward, bracing himself on the table.

"Now, please, Ron," Lupin said, growing impatient.

"Almost, no, almost!"

"Ron," Sirius said, also growing tired of Ron's rudeness.

"STOP TEASING ME!!" Ron cried, nearly in tears, clutching the table.

"We're not teasing, you Ron,"

"Just let me do it!" Ron gasped. "Please!"

"Very well," Lupin sighed. "You may apologize when you feel good and ready. Now where was I?"

"You were just about to tell us about you and Sirius," Tonks said icily.

"Ah, yes, we got a little wild at times," Lupin said dreamily. "But we were always careful."

"Oh, yeah," Harry said with a smile. "Ron and I have had lots of wild times! Like the time in the Weasley's car!" He was reminiscing about the time they crashed into the Whomping Willow. Once again, he was totally oblivious.

"Good, gracious," Arthur gasped. Meanwhile, Molly was just disgusted that such acts occurred in the family car. Hermione just laughed maniacally.

"That's amazing," Mad Eye breathed, but he obviously wasn't paying attention to the current conversation.

"OH MERLIN!" Ron screamed, sliding out of his chair to fall on the floor under the table.

Everyone jumped up in shock and rushed to Ron's aid. In his attempt to get up, Harry kicked something under the table. Everyone froze as that something let out a very familiar, very over dramatic, howl of pain.

Slowly, they all lowered themselves to the floor to gaze under the table. Ginny let out a startled gasp and very nearly fainted.

"Awk-ward," Fred and George sang in unison.

Ron was lying comfortably in none other than Draco Malfoy's arms. Draco looked completely horrified, while Ron just appeared exhausted. That dinner was just too much fun.