[Spoilers: Private Practice 3x19, Grey's 6x19]
[Disclaimer: Unfortunately they do not belong to me, I only borrowed them to play with them]
[Chapter 1: Prologue- Troubled Soul]
There are times I think that I have done more than one mistake in my life. Times when I think if I hadn't have done it, my marriage would still be working. We would still be Derek and Addison. The Dream Team.
But sitting here now with the glass of fresh orange juice on my terrace, I know that my marriage was never going to succeed.
Sure, I could have tried harder in Seattle, I could have done better and more, but after Prom I reached the point where I knew that we no longer had a chance. And then I did it again. I slept with Mark and I slept with Alex but who cared? Nobody.
I am not the girlfriend type.
I thought there could at least be a short thing with Alex, more than a single time but he didn't want me. A man refused to sleep with Addison Forbes-Montgomery. That was a first.
Mark only wanted sex, always. The day I offered him more, he had to admit that this wasn't about me. Never had been. He left me and Los Angeles.
But there are days, nights that can change everything. A single night can change your life, once somebody said. Twice it had happened already. Twice a single night had destroyed everything I believed in. Once I did wrong, once Derek.
I am good at running away from my problems. Bad at dealing with them. Worse at coping. But the thing I am really the worst at is telling somebody that I am sorry, that it was my mistake, my fault. But I've reached the point where I do not care anymore. Too many things had happened in the last few weeks, months.
Things have changed. I have learned that there are things that you have to cope with, things that you have to learn to understand.
I love watching the waves crash against the beach, the smell of the ocean. I can't live without it anymore. But there have been days I thought that the ocean is too noisy for me, I couldn't sleep through the night when a storm was coming and the waves were crashing hard on the sand.
Over the last three years I have changed a lot. I have gotten used to living alone because my relationships never worked out. The thing with Pete and Kevin: bad timing. Kevin was hot; nevertheless, we were from two different worlds. The time we had was nice but it just wasn't meant to be. Then I wasn't allowed to be with Noah because I can't be that type of woman. I cheated once on my husband with his best friend but I cannot be the woman who destroys a marriage. Then Sam. I've always had feelings for Sam and when we kissed, I really thought that it could work out, but Naomi is my best friend; she wouldn't understand, she doesn't. I can live without sleeping with Sam because I would always have to think of Naomi and what she would say. How long will she blame me, punish me by not speaking to me. He doesn't understand, even now when he's with Vanessa.
And then there was …is Pete. We agreed on friends with benefits but somehow something slowly developed that wasn't meant to be. He was still in love with Violet, something I partly understand and partly not.
But right now sitting here on this wonderful Saturday morning I don't want to think about things that have happened now. She wanted to be with her son and it was her right. He couldn't turn her down, he never could. Of course for a long time I have wanted Lucas to have a mother but I already saw myself in this position.
Three months ago, two weeks after Violet came and said that she wanted to see Lucas, who was cradled in my arms, I stepped back and made what was possibly the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I let him go. We didn't fight but he didn't understand in the beginning either. I love Lucas dearly like he was my own child but the truth is that he isn't. Violet is his mother.
Working at the practice has gotten more and more complicated. They still are. Decisions had to be made and this time I had had to make them. Even if Pete doesn't love Violet as he should, he wants her to see the cute little boy, wants her to be his mother. There is no place for me.
Pete and I agreed to disagree.
And the day I thought I would have a breakdown with Pete knocking on my door, asking me if he could come in, was the day I got an invitation from the World Conference of Neonatology which would take place in Luxor, Egypt, a few days later.
It broke my heart to tell Pete that I had booked a flight to Egypt to attend this conference. I didn't tell him that I needed space to think through all that had happened. I didn't tell him that I still love him; I didn't tell him any of that. But I also didn't ask him to go and in the end he left.
We never fought, we rarely argued. We were two adults who knew that the situation was hard on both of us. Maybe he slowly started to agree with me regarding the fact that I was standing in his way, between Lucas and Violet.
The moment he left he said it again; he said again that he loved me, that he wanted me back in their lives. But I cannot. Lucas isn't my child and it would always be an inner fight for me. A fight because I would love him like he was mine, even knowing that the person he will call "mommy" lives so near.
Maybe we should never have agreed to be friends with benefits in the first place because there have been sparks between us from the very beginning. And to be honest, he is a very handsome man.
The next morning I talked to Dale and Sam about my absence for the following two weeks. Of course I didn't tell Sam the whole truth but he guessed what had happened We never needed a lot of words when it came to things like this. He understood. At least I had the feeling he did.
More than once I tried to get in contact with Naomi but there was no chance. Nobody had a phone number for her in Switzerland. On my home from the practice I dropped by to see Maya and her growing stomach. She was missing her mother a lot and I told her to take care whilst I was gone and gave her the number of another OB if something were to happen while I was gone. She hugged me, cried a little bit, not understanding why there was no support from her mother, why Naomi preferred to go after a boyfriend instead of taking care of her daughter. Was it only because Maya was married now? I stopped thinking about finding the correct reason. Can there be a proper reason not to be around if your first grandchild is on its way? In my opinion, not.
Maybe I shouldn't have declined the opportunity to be a speaker but I didn't even plan on going there in the first place. I thought I would be in my happy new relationship and my next holidays would be spent with "the family" Maybe I should have booked a hotel room and then cancelled it.
I looked through the list of speakers and I remembered most of them – Bommer from Switzerland, Escapulario from Italy, Jacobson from New York, Sabo from Hungary, Tordik from Iceland and so on. But I told myself that this wasn't about acquiring new knowledge but about getting out of Los Angeles and doing a lot of thinking.
I packed my case – casual, elegant, beach wear. Most men in my life couldn't tell the difference between casual Addison and elegant Addison. Nevertheless, Pete could. Pete loved or loves casual Addison as much as elegant, formal, working Addison. I love elegant the Addison best, who has the ability to make heads turn. Sometimes I have to remember that I am not just a world class surgeon, a good OB/GYN for my patients but also a woman.
Thankfully it was no problem to get a room at the Hilton. A nice suite. Pure luxury.
The flight was uneventful, thankfully. I never enjoyed flying like everybody else. Not that I am afraid, I just cannot get comfortable. I have started to do some herbal stuff lately but I wasn't about to ask Pete for help, not this time. So I went through it alone.
The first day of the conference was nice, welcoming – welcome lunch with for the speakers to which I suddenly got invited by the head of the national committee. I didn't want to go in the beginning but in the end I was happy to do so. I got to dress up in one of those classy pencil skirt-blazer combinations which fit my body so perfectly. I was welcomed and asked why I did not present my newest developments, I could smile and tell them that I was no longer in a position to be able to be involved in any new developments because I had changed into the real OB/GYN department. Some thought I'd joke but after a little talking over one or the other glass of wine, they were convinced.
They wanted to know what it was like not to work 80 hours a week and only do two up to three patients a day, some days only one. The afternoon speaker presented his results on "Incidence of cranial ultrasound abnormalities in apparently healthy neonates: correlation to perinatal factors and neurological status". A fairly boring presentation and he had trouble making people understand his English because he was from Uzbekistan. Thanks to my Blackberry though I was able to type an email to Maya, instead of listening to the guy at the podium, answering her questions. Sometimes it felt like she was my little girl, my very pregnant little girl. Nevertheless we have been close since I moved to Los Angeles, kind of at least.
This was probably the problem because I didn't notice two men sitting down next to me. I went through my other emails till I received a new one, telling me "Red, look up, we are sitting next to you." I looked up and there they sat – Derek and Mark. McDreamy and McSteamy. McAss and McDoubleAss – as I once called them when I was furious. McProm and McOneNightStand.
Yes, I was kind of irritated. Shocked. What were those two doing in a neonatal conference? It was my specialization. Mine!
I wanted to get away, think, and blame lots of things on Sam, my parents and Archer. Usually that works. But it seemed like my hope ended the moment I noticed those two men sitting next to me.
I asked them about why they were here and they said with a smile that Derek had stepped in for a sick brain surgeon to talk on "Cerebral function monitoring. A useful diagnostic and prognostic tool in the management of neonatal hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy." Derek tried to play the topic down but it sounded interesting to me. Mark only came with Derek because he wanted to leave Seattle for a little bit, being a grandfather now made him feel old. Things with Teddy hadn't really worked out, that's what I could read from his emails – his very detailed emails. There were nights when I would be reading through a new email from Mark when I would start thinking that he loved to torture me. Months before, I had asked him about our relationship and he had turned me down for Lexie and now it was for Teddy.
Bailey had told me that Derek was married now. I never got what she meant with "married on a post-it note" but I never asked. I didn't think that it would take them so long to get married. Not that I really cared. Well, I cared for Derek but not for Meredith. There was and is no way we could ever be real friends. I could respect her, work with her eventually but I couldn't be a friend to share secrets with. It probably isn't even her fault but Derek's. . Apparently she was already pregnant because Derek always wanted to have kids. Not always but I knew that he wanted them back when I was in Seattle, just not with me.
Honestly he looked pale and old. The last years haven't been easy on him, especially since he is now the Chief of Surgery. I could see one or two grey hairs.
After the second speaker ended his presentation and the discussion began we left the room together, agreeing on coffee. I was not happy about the fact that my calm holidays were being destroyed, but on the other hand there was also the possibility to have some fun with Mark. At least he was usually up to some fun.
Mark had always been good if you wanted to have fun but not for much more. At least not between us.
So we sat on the terrace and watched the sun go down. I have always loved Egypt. I nursed my cappuccino while Mark started to flirt with the waitress. Derek pointed out that he hadn't changed in all those years. We laughed. It was nice and familiar to laugh with them. It felt like the good old days. But today wasn't the good old day; it was something new, something very different. We could chat like during the old times but in the beginning something was missing, like we didn't trust each other anymore. Maybe we didn't.
I think that we have reached the point where we can be friends, not close but friends. I mean we have been divorced for quite some years now! We have spent most of our lives together, the three of us.
Later we went out of lunch, to a nice restaurant situated directly on the Nile. I had to think a lot about Derek and my first trip to Egypt, the year after our wedding. I had gotten a nasty sunburn but nowadays that wouldn't happen anymore. Living in LA has done wonders to my skin – I don't burn anymore. I was wearing one of those sleeveless silk shirts, a light cashmere jacket over it and a nice skirt. Nothing special. The conversation was light; nobody asked any questions. I didn't ask about Meredith or the marriage and they didn't ask about my private life. We were living in the moment. That very moment.
After dinner we went to a nice cocktail bar. Even back in New York we had always had our share of alcohol on a night out. Everybody usually knew how much he or she was able to hold, although sometimes Mark had his troubles the day after. One Mojito became two, three and four. In between I felt the big loneliness rising. I was thinking of Lucas and how beautiful he looked while sleeping, an oasis of perfection. Some time during the night I lost count and my memory got pretty blurred. There isn't much after the cocktail bar.
When I opened my eyes I noticed that it wasn't my bedroom. I felt the alcohol which was still in my venes and remembered the Mojitos. Within seconds I had sat up, noticed the man who was sleeping next to me and again I had to tell myself that this had been a mistake, a big one.
I grabbed my clothes, changed in the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror made me notice the bitemark on my shoulder, some scratches on my back. I felt sore, a good soreness, but it had been a huge mistake, the biggest I have committed in ages. Normally I can control myself but this time … blame it on the alcohol. I left the room only turning back a very last time to see the soft hair falling, a softness of his lips ….
Heading by cab back to the Hilton I packed my stuff, asked the concierge if he could book me a hotel at Sharm el Shaikh. Within two hours I had a flight and a hotel and left Luxor. I had to forget what happened; he had to forget what happened. We had to forget that this had ever happened. The conference was meant to be my escape from Los Angeles and now I have to run off again. Run from the mistakes I made again.