This fic is set during the final scene of the series, as Usagi and Mamoru look over the water. Usagi reflects on everything that occurred, but foremost in her mind is the memory of Seiya.
This is decidedly a oneshot; I really don't think this subject can really be expanded. Usagi never sees Seiya again, and they can certainly never have a relationship. After all, Usagi marries Mamoru and becomes Neo Queen Serenity. The heartbreaking thing about Seiya and Usagi's relationship is that it is based on a bittersweet "if only." As the Three Light's song Todokanu Omoi says… "If we had only met sooner, I would have found the reason." I wanted to bring out the tragedy of that in this story. If you like it, please review! If you don't...well, please review anyway! Constructive criticism is an author's best friend.
So this is peace.
It seems ironic that at the one moment where I should feel nothing but bliss there is, instead, a dull ache in my heart. It is dull, but it is there nonetheless. It threatens to erupt at any moment, showering me with the emotions I've tried to refrain from over the past months. I swallow it and stare out over the water, looking at the moon that smiles at me from its place in the starry night sky. I always thought that the moon and the stars would be brighter with the end of war, but the shine seems lackluster from my perspective.
I suppose I thought a lot of things would turn out differently.
Like Mamoru, for instance. He's standing next to me; I feel his body heat, I smell the musky cologne I bought him for his last birthday. I want so badly to feel that dizzying happiness that I usually experience when I'm with him, but tonight it is noticeably absent. There's a void, an uncomfortable silence between us that threatens to smother me. I feel so damn guilty for feeling nothing. He, however, seems to be blithely tranquil. His smile is testimony to his serenity. I suppose this emptiness is solely on my part. I wonder if he's waiting for me to say something; something to reassure him that I'm happy. You know, happy that he's…alive. Well, of course I am. I'm not that heartless. I was overcome with emotion when he appeared after the battle. I cried tears of joy for him. But that joy has been fading ever since the tears dried. I am still glad. But that feeling of pure ecstasy is gone. Oh, God. Does that make me a horrible person? Am I going to burn in hell for this?
Our reunion was supposed to be magical. But now I know I'll never be the same person that I was before. When Mamoru set out for America, he left behind a girl. He returned to find a woman in the girl's place. Oh, Mamoru. I've changed. I'm different now. There was the battle with Galaxia, of course. But there was something else entirely. There was someone else.
I don't want to think about him. I really don't. I know I should only be thinking about Mamoru right now. But I keep seeing him in my mind.
Oh, Seiya...
There is so much you should know.
I now realize how wrong I was. Oh, Seiya, I'm such a coward. Such a damn coward. It scares me to even be thinking these things. But I don't think I can hide from reality anymore. I've done that for too long.
I never opened up to you because I was afraid that if I did, I would fall so completely in love with you.
And now, Seiya, I realize...
I already have.
It scares me even to admit it to myself here, in my mind. This overwhelming guilt doesn't help. I feel guilty for not giving Mamoru what he deserves. And I feel guilty for not telling you all this...But I wonder what good would have come of it if I had? After all, I'm going to marry Mamoru. I'll become Neo Queen Serenity and rule Crystal Tokyo with my perfect husband and perfect child. I went to the thirtieth century, after all. And there she was, my future self. Undeniable proof of my future without Seiya. Oh, God, what a future...Why did destiny have to be so damn cruel?
Why couldn't I make my own choices, for once! Everything in my life has always been predetermined: me, the reincarnation of Princess Serenity. Me, a Sailor Senshi. Me, the future Neo Queen Serenity. Fate made all the choices. Never me.
And if I could...
Seiya, you know who I would choose. When I realized it, I'm not sure. All I know is that I want you back. Here with me, to hold me and kiss me and never ever leave me...What I would give to see you standing here in Mamoru's place!
And the most unbearable part is, I never will.
The stars are glittering. The water catches the misty light and reflects it up at us, twinkling merrily. The moon and her sister in the water keep smiling. And my heart is breaking.
"Mamo-chan, do you love me?"
I need to hear this from him, perhaps to convince me that destiny did make the right decision.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"When I'm with you, I am filled with warmth."
A sorrowful smile crosses my face as I understand, with tragic finality, that I don't love Mamoru anymore. At least, I don't love him the way he loves me. He doesn't deserve this. Oh, I would endure the fires of hell if only we could each find our own happiness...
He leans in to kiss me, and I close my eyes to stop the tears from falling.