Thoughtless Alien
A Screenplay by Writer Unknown
EXT. NEW YORK CITY, NY - AFTERNOON
Smart nerd LADY ZOWIE RANDALL is arguing with adorable police officer SIR BENO BARLOW. ZOWIE tries to hug BENO but he shakes her off.
ZOWIE
Please Beno, don't leave me.
BENO
I'm sorry Zowie, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
ZOWIE
I am such a person!
BENO frowns.
BENO
I'm sorry, Zowie. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
BENO leaves.
ZOWIE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, down to earth programmer CLAN ALTER GODFEY barges in looking flustered.
ZOWIE
Goodness, Alter! Is everything okay?
ALTER
I'm afraid not.
ZOWIE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ALTER
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien kill a bunch of elderly gents!
ZOWIE
Defenseless elderly gents?
ALTER
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
ZOWIE
Bloomin' heck, Alter! We've got to do something.
ALTER
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
ZOWIE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ALTER
I was...
ALTER fans himself and begins to wheeze.
ZOWIE
Focus Alter, focus! Where did it happen?
ALTER
Phenox, AZ! That's right - Phenox, AZ!
ZOWIE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ZOWIE rushes along the street, followed by ALTER. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. PHENOX, AZ - SHORTLY AFTER
REDRE CHAN a thoughtless alien terrorises two elderly gents.
ZOWIE, closely followed by ALTER, rushes towards REDRE, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
ALTER
What is is? What's the matter?
ZOWIE
That's not just any old alien, that's Redre Chan!
ALTER
Who's Redre Chan?
ZOWIE
Who's Redre Chan? Who's Redre Chan? Only the most thoughtless alien in the universe!
ALTER
Blinkin' knickers, Zowie! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless alien in the universe!
ZOWIE
You can say that again.
ALTER
Blinkin' knickers, Zowie! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless alien in the universe!
ZOWIE
I'm going to need ropes, lots of ropes.
Redre turns and sees Zowie and Alter. He grins an evil grin.
REDRE
Zowie Randall, we meet again.
ALTER
You've met?
ZOWIE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ZOWIE is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees REDRE. She takes off her headphones.
REDRE
Would you like some white mice?
ZOWIE's eyes light up, but then he studies REDRE more closely, and looks uneasy.
ZOWIE
I don't know, you look kind of thoughtless.
REDRE
Me? No. I'm not thoughtless. I'm the least thoughtless alien in the world.
ZOWIE
Wait, you're a alien?
ZOWIE runs away, screaming.
INT. PHENOX, AZ - PRESENT DAY
REDRE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ALTER
(To ZOWIE) You ran away?
ZOWIE
(To ALTER) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ZOWIE turns to REDRE.
ZOWIE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ZOWIE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
ZOWIE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with ropes.
REDRE
I'm not scared of you.
ZOWIE
You should be.
EXT. KENTUCKY - LATER THAT DAY
ZOWIE and ALTER walk around searching for something.
ZOWIE
I feel sure I left my ropes somewhere around here.
ALTER
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly ropes.
ZOWIE
You know nothing Alter Godfey.
ALTER
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, REDRE appears, holding a pair of ropes.
REDRE
Looking for something?
ALTER
Crikey, Zowie, he's got your ropes.
ZOWIE
Tell me something I don't already know!
ALTER
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
ZOWIE
I know that already!
ALTER
I'm afraid of big bannanas.
REDRE
(appalled) Dude!
While REDRE is looking at ALTER with disgust, ZOWIE lunges forward and grabs her deadly ropes. He wields them, triumphantly.
ZOWIE
Prepare to die, you thoughtless courgette!
REDRE
No please! All I did was kill a bunch of elderly gents!
BENO enters, unseen by any of the others.
ZOWIE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Zowie Randall defender of innocent elderly gents.
REDRE
Don't hurt me! Please!
ZOWIE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these ropes on you right away!
REDRE
Because Zowie, I am your father.
ZOWIE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
ZOWIE
No you're not!
REDRE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
REDRE tries to grab the ropes but ZOWIE dodges out of the way.
ZOWIE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, REDRE slumps to the ground.
ALTER
Did he just faint?
ZOWIE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly ropes.
ZOWIE crouches over REDRE's body.
ALTER
Be careful, Zowie. It could be a trick.
ZOWIE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Redre Chan is dead!
ZOWIE
What?
ZOWIE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
ALTER claps his hands.
ALTER
So your ropes did save the day, after all.
BENO steps forward.
BENO
Is it true? Did you kill the thoughtless alien?
ZOWIE
Beno how long have you been...?
BENO puts his arm around ZOWIE.
BENO
Long enough.
ZOWIE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Redre Chan.
BENO
Then the elderly gents are safe?
ZOWIE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.
BENO
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to ZOWIE.
ZOWIE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Redre Chan will never kill elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
BENO
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes ZOWIE a mystical necklace
BENO
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
ZOWIE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
ZOWIE
Well, if you insist.
ZOWIE takes the necklace.
ZOWIE
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.
ZOWIE turns to BENO.
ZOWIE
Does this mean you want me back?
BENO
Oh, Zowie, of course I want you back!
ZOWIE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
ZOWIE
Well you can't have me.
BENO
WHAT?
ZOWIE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
BENO
But...
ZOWIE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Alter.
ALTER grins.
BENO
But...
ALTER
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
BENO
Zowie?
ZOWIE
I'm sorry Beno, but I think you should skidaddle.
BENO leaves.
ALTER turns to ZOWIE.
ALTER
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
ZOWIE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly ALTER stops.
ALTER
When I said I'm afraid of big bannanas, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
THE END