Sam Winchester, A broken heart that the world forgot.
The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.
If Sam's life had been a movie, the melodramatic violin and piano would be playing dejectedly in the background at this moment of time. It'd be a movie of tragedy if anything.
He tried so hard, thought he could do it on his own. But like us all, he's lost so much along the way, too much. Of course, this was ignored for the simplicity that he's the abomination of the world, alongside Lucifer.
xxx
Sam sat motionless on the bed parallel to his brothers in the shabby motel. Well strictly speaking, it wasn't his brother's bed at all. Dean had never set foot in this motel room, he drove off not even sparing a glance back to his little brother; leaving Sam to take the three mile walk into town at four in the morning. The worst part was he was walking through the rain, it's not like it really mattered which route he took or which shady alley way he went down, everywhere looked the same. But even though the lack of his brother in the bed next to his, he could have sworn he heard Dean humming Metallica.
He almost laughed at this, but found he had forgotten how to smile.
Left to his own devices, Sam went through his memories to try and pick out the top three worst things he had ever done. It was a tie for first place between starting the apocalypse and standing by whilst Dean got turned into a vampire.
Next he tried to pick out the three best things. Ironically he couldn't come up with anything, if he could have laughed at that he would have.
Sam knew he was evil, heartless; tainted even, but he couldn't bring himself to care, not really. The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil, Sam had made up his mind. Or, he thought he had at least.
xxx
May 1st , the day before Sam's twenty-ninth birthday. Twenty nine years, twenty nine whole years. For most people it would have flew by but for Sam it dragged on and on.
The day before his birthday and Sam was sat at the falling apart motel table with a half empty fifth of whiskey and a loaded gun. He stared inquisitively at the hand gun in his palm and tried to imagine how it was made and by whom. The maker must have had a sense of accomplishment afterwards, something Sam never really had or understood.
You know you've reached your lowest point when you go through your contacts to find someone, anyone to say goodbye to. To hear your last words, to tell you it would be okay for the last time. But realise that there's no one left to call.
Sam and Dean's relationship didn't die a natural death, it was murdered by ego, attitude and ignorance.
xxx
Reaching for the pocket knife in his waistband, Sam flicked open the blade and pushed it into the palm of his hand, just enough to draw a little blood. It was a reminder that he was still alive, whether Sam was relieved or disappointed at this was unknown.
Letters were cliché but Dean might not even get the voicemail or pick up the phone. He owed his brother an explanation if he did ever find out. With this decision made, Sam picked up the motel notepad and started writing.
Dean,
I'm sorry for writing this as well as calling it's just I've almost forgotten what your voice sounds like and I'm quite sorry for that. I know this is a question you probably don't want to answer but-
Why did you give up on me?
I could name a thousand reasons why you should have given up on me and I don't blame you for doing so, it's the least I deserve. The very least. But what did I do that finally drew the short straw?
It's been a long ride without you, Dean. You act like it's just you against the world but in reality it's just you against yourself.
"It's sad to see that two close people don't recognize each other anymore, not because they grew up but because they grew apart." Remember that quote, Dean? That was my favourite quote growing up and we vowed that we'd never be able to relate to it. But I guess that sometimes for some people, things don't work out as they might have hoped.
I feel so alone without you, man. I thought I'd be able to cope without you around but I really can't do it.
I'm such a disappointment and I can't be pissed at you for leaving, no matter how much I'd like to be. I'd leave me too. But I guess figuratively that's what I'm doing, right?
Anyway, this is it I guess. Salt and burn or not, I'm not bothered. It's not like it'll matter much anyway. Actually, I doubt you'll ever read this note. But if for whatever reason you are then I hope you can have a nice remainder of a life. Forget about me, I'm not worth remembering.
I'll go to hell, of that I'm sure. I probably deserve it.
Well, I should stop rambling before I chicken out of this…I love you Dean. Always have, always will. I know you don't feel the same but I'd just like you to know that I do honestly love you with every part of my battered and cold heart.
Goodbye.
-Sam.
xxx
With shaky hands Sam picked up his cellphone and wearily dialled Dean's number to no avail. He pressed 0 to leave a voicemail and waited for the beep.
"Dean…I'm so sorry…I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for mom, I'm sorry for dad, I'm sorry for Lucifer and the apocalypse, I'm sorry for ruining your life. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You don't need this shit, oh god I'm sorry…" He slurred and half cried into the phone before quickly shutting it off.
At the complete end of his endurance Sam straightened his clothes and picked up the handgun. When you've gotta take a trip to hell you know you want to look good. He situated the gun under his chin, took one last long breath and pulled the trigger without hesitation. Blood coated the pasty white walls as the lifeless body of the 6'4 hunter barrelled to the floor, eyes staring unseeingly to the ceiling above. It was finally over.
Xxx
6:59AM May 2nd 2011
A flutter of wings could have been heard if there was anyone there to hear it as an Angel that liked to go by the name of Gabriel appeared. Sadly sighing at the sight before him. Sam Winchester crumpled onto the floor with a bullet straight through his head. It had been the talk of heaven, with Sam being the last living connection to Lucifer it was quite the celebration that he had been defeated.
Only, the only thing Sam had defeated was himself. That wasn't how it was supposed to be, if Sam was to die it should have been at the hands of someone else. Not offing himself in a dirty motel room.
"What have you done, kiddo…" Gabriel kneeled next to the limp body and brushed his fallen bangs off of his forehead. Two cold fingers were pressed to Sam's forehead and he shot up from his former position, taking a huge gasp of air and looking around startled.
"Calm it, Sammy boy. Don't want you hurting yourself." Gabriel winked and held out a hand to Sam who was too busy feeling around on his head for the bullet wound that had disappeared somehow.
After a lot of bitching and unanswered questions, Gabriel managed to get Sam to his feet and seated at the table.
xxx
Gabriel's eyes flicked down to the folded note on the table and Sam quickly snatched it and put it in his jacket pocket. "Oh don't tell me that's a…" He rolled his eyes sarcastically. "I thought you had more class than that, buddy." Sam did his best bitchface and Gabriel chuckled.
"What does it say anyway? Spill the beans," Sam continued to scowl and Gabriel used some sort of angel mojo to get the letter out of Sam's pockets. He quickly read it and the smirk fell from his face into a straight thin line.
"Sam…" He started but was quickly interrupted by Sam.
"Don't, Gabriel. I don't need a fucking lecture off some angel who can't even feel!" He shouted, before resting his head on his crossed arms. There was a few minutes of silence before Gabriel spoke again.
"You can't possibly think that about yourself…" He seemed confused and somewhat stumped on what to say which was highly unusual.
"Why do you seem so baffled?" Sam intrigued, a little confused on to how the hell he had managed to confuse an archangel.
"It's just…When humans say they're worthless and stuff like that, I can usually see where they're coming from." He still looked confused.
"Thanks, Gabriel…" Sam remarked sarcastically.
"You didn't let me finish. I can't see it with you, Sam. I honestly can't see how you can think that." He confessed, still looking extremely confused.
"What?! I started the freaking apocalypse! I set Lucifer free and I almost destroyed the entire human race!" Sam shouted, standing from his chair.
"Oh boo fucking hoo, Lucifer threw a tantrum and you decide to kill yourself? Not cool, kiddo." Gabriel stood and turned to face Sam.
"Why do you care, anyway?" Sam finally asked after a few minutes of heated silence.
"Believe it or not, Sam. I do actually have the slightest bit of nostalgia for you and your brother, no matter how annoying the pair of you are." He teased and Sam did something he hadn't done in a very long time. He smiled. But his smile quickly faded as his cellphone rang and it read; "Dean.".
Xxx
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck oh fuck, oh fuck.
Sam thought he heard crying in the background when he answered but figured he must have been imagining it.
"Sam…" Nope, there was definitely crying.
"Dean?"
"Sammy? Oh my fucking god."
"What, Dean? You okay?"
"Am I okay? Am I okay?! Sam, Cas told me you were dead!"
"I was."
"You were dead?"
"Yeah."
"But you're alive, we're talking right now!"
"Dean, don't make me explain this over the phone…"
"You fucking explain this before I get Cas to zap me over there to punch you out!"
"I killed myself last night, Gabriel brought me back and now I'm on the phone to you. End of story."
"You what?! Oh my god, Cas!"
And with that the line went dead, Sam turned to Gabriel with scared eyes and Gabriel looked like he was in deep thought.
"Cas is trying to get in here but my grace is blocking him out, do you want him here?" Gabriel asked sincerely.
"Sure…let them in…" Sam sighed, running a hand through his dishevelled hair and taking a seat at the table. Seconds later Dean and Cas appeared, Dean's face went white when he saw the pool of blood soaked into the carpet and the blood that had matted itself into Sam's hair.
"Sammy…" Dean said almost pleadingly, taking a few steps towards his little brother. Cas and Gabriel exchanged looks before returning to the typical angel stance.
"Dean, I'm sorry." Sam looked down at his hands before he felt a hand push his chin up and he saw Dean kneeling infront of him.
"Why…Why'd you do it?" Dean pleaded, looking more desperate than Sam had ever seen him.
"Deano, I think all you need to know is in this here suicide note." Gabriel looked sympathetically to Sam. Dean began to read.
"Well, looks like it's time for me and my own little brother to have a catch up, what'dya say Cas?" Gabriel announced, Cas continued to look completely deadpan as he slowly nodded at the archangel. Before they left, Gabriel spoke for a final time.
"Oh and by the way, kiddo. If you try and kill yourself again, make sure the blood doesn't get all up in your hair. Not a good look." Gabriel winked and him and Cas disappeared leaving behind the sound of fluttering wings.
Xxx
"Sammy…I'm so sorry…" Dean had tears in his eyes and Sam wanted to curl up and die.
"I know it was stupid. I'm so sorry, Dean." Sam let a tear fall from his eyes, followed by another before they were dripping off the underside of his chin.
"Sam, we're gonna be okay. Me and you, we're gonna be just fine, okay?" Dean reasoned, "Fuck Lucifer, fuck the apocalypse, fuck demons. We're going to get through it, I promise." Dean pulled Sam into a bear hug, feeling the half dried blood on his hand as he threaded his hand through his brother's hair.
And for the first time in a long time, things might just be okay.