Valentine
"I can't believe how well that worked!" Alex was still giggling about it as she and Liv left the changing room and sat down on the edge of the big indoor pool.
"Oh, I know!" Olivia laughed.
In the week since she and Alex had started the 'rumor' that they were an 'item', the rumor mill in the precinct had been running overtime. The people who knew both Liv and Alex discounted it, except Fin and Elliot. However, they were pretending to be just as surprised and in denial as everyone else. Not quite feigned, in Elliot's case; Elliot was still in shock and still couldn't look either woman in the eye without turning faintly pink. No one else would have noticed, but the people who knew him knew he was still slightly uncomfortable.
"Fin seems to have taken it in stride, but John's been giving me these snide little side glances every once in a while," She said as she dangled her feet in the pool, tugging at the top of her navy-blue one-piece suit. Alex splashed a little water across the roped-off swimming lane, and Olivia found her eyes traveling up the line of Alex's leg, from toe to the top of her hipbone, revealed by the pretty pale-green bikini she always wore. She'd never noticed just how long that bikini made Alex's legs look; maybe because she'd never really looked before.
"I have to admit I was a little worried about what Captain Cragen would say. It wasn't too bad, was it?"
"No, it wasn't." Olivia admitted.
It wasn't even as bad as she'd thought it was going to be. Don had called her into the office three days after she and Alex had been caught in the conference room. "Olivia, can I see you a moment." It wasn't a request.
She'd stepped in, and he'd closed the door. "I heard the rumors. Are they true?" he asked her point blank.
Olivia didn't even hesitate. Looking him squarely in the eye, she said, "Yes."
Cragen shook his head, seated himself on the edge of the desk, the sign that this was going to be an informal, off-the-books, just-you-and-me discussion. "Liv, why?"
"Alex is my friend. And Harry Cooper was telling everyone that she was frigid, and the guys just can't turn down a challenge. She was getting unwanted offers, and Harry Cooper from Vice was getting too pushy. She needed a way out, and I provided her with one. No one's going to mess with her, or me, as long as they think we're together."
"Did you two think about what this is going to do to everyone, knowing that an ADA is going out with a female detective from the Panty Police?" Cragen used the most direct, blunt terms, but Olivia refused to flinch or look uneasy.
"Yes, we do. We know what we're doing, Captain." She looked him in the eye, willing him to believe what she was telling him.
Cragen stared at her for the longest moment, that unsettling look that told her he was weighing, evaluating, and making a decision. When he spoke again, he said simply, "This isn't going to interfere with your job."
Again, not a question; he knew she wouldn't. But she answered him anyway. "No, it won't, Captain."
He nodded, opened the door, and let her out silently. Whatever he'd thought remained private, but the next day Olivia's choice in out-of-work company was suddenly an unmentionable topic in the squad room. The unspoken rule was enforced by Cragen himself and strictly adhered to by everyone after Johnson, the uniform with the big mouth, had been publicly dressed down by Don himself for discussing it with another uniform.
Which, of course, simply served to make it an even more desirable topic of conversation. Out of Captain Cragen's hearing, of course.
"Elliot's so tired of hearing it that he's starting to give me that trademark 'grumpy' look instead of the pins-and needles look he's been wearing for the last week." Olivia grinned as she stood on the edge of the pool. "Come on. Race you?"
Alex shook her head. "I'm going to take it easy. I think I might have pulled something back there on that weight bench."
Olivia nodded. "Okay. I'm going to take a couple of laps. Join me when you feel ready." She flexed her knees and was suddenly airborne, for just a brief minute, before her long, lean body cut the water with a gentle splash, and then she was underwater, momentum carrying her several body lengths out into the lane before she resurfaced for a breath of air and started swimming for the opposite side of the pool.
Alex watched Olivia's progress with fascination and awe. Funny how she'd never noticed just how fluid Olivia was in the pool; they'd been meeting here at the gym by mutual unspoken agreement for a year and a half now, and doing their workouts and swimming afterwards, and she'd never noticed just how graceful and, well, beautiful Olivia was when she was swimming. She'd noticed peripherally that Olivia was great in the water, but the aesthetics hadn't hit her till just now. Just like she'd never noticed the little beads of sweat collect at the nape of Olivia's neck when she really got warmed up and started her workout. Like she'd never noticed how the little tendrils of hair behind Olivia's ear curled delicately back toward her face, framing the little stud earrings she wore. Like she'd never noticed just how beautiful Liv looked when she threw back her head and laughed, really laughed. They had so few opportunities to do so in the course of their jobs that every time Alex could coax one of those laughs out of Olivia outside of work, she treasured the memory.
Olivia breast-stroked back toward Alex, touched the wall, took a breath, and started the butterfly back to the far end of the pool. Alex watched the play of muscles across Olivia's back, and thought briefly that she really ought to get Liv into a bikini, just once, before she stood and did her own dive into the pool to begin her laps.
Having had a head start, Olivia finished sooner than Alex, and hauled herself up on the edge of the pool as she watched Alex finish her laps. Alex wasn't as structured a swimmer as she was; she spent most of her time swimming freestyle, and then after touching the wall on the other side she headed for the diving well, and the deep water. There was no one there using the diving board, and Olivia watched as Alex took a deep breath, sank below the surface, then began an intricate series of movements that together made a beautiful, graceful water ballet. She couldn't resist, and slipped back into the pool, joining the blonde underwater.
They circled each other, and Olivia smiled inwardly as she saw the halo of blond hair floating around Alex's head as she arched backwards into a backwards roll. As she saw Alex's navel pass before her eyes, she got ready, and grabbed Alex's ankles as the blonde came out of her roll. Alex used her arms to propel them both into a smooth forward motion, then halted suddenly. Olivia, surprised, let go of her friend's ankles and was pulled forward by her momentum until Alex stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. She turned, and was met by Alex's mouth on hers. Bubbles escaped, but neither one noticed as they shared a brief but intimate underwater kiss before surfacing for air.
"Alex, what was that about?" Olivia asked as soon as she got her breath. Alex shrugged as she pushed her blond hair out of her eyes.
"I don't know….you were so beautiful…" Alex found herself blushing, and scolded herself but couldn't stop it. She'd been shy, during the last week; Olivia initiated their kisses and their lovemaking. After they'd gone to her apartment, they'd made love twice more that night, and went in to work the next morning, not having gotten any sleep but feeling refreshed and on top of the world. There had been one night, Thursday, after a late afternoon in court; they'd gone for dinner at a little Thai place downtown, and Alex had driven up to Liv's apartment. They'd made brief but satisfying love on Liv's bed before Alex left for her own apartment uptown. This was Liv's first day off in a week and a half; there had been a heavy caseload the last couple of weeks, and Liv had been working overtime. SVU was a volunteer unit, and very few people volunteered; it meant the unit was perpetually shorthanded, and everyone had to juggle multiple cases at a time. Liv invested so much of herself in each case that she rarely had enough left for herself; Alex felt honored that Liv had chosen to share her spare time.
Olivia smiled as she swam over to the edge of the pool and got out, dripping. "Come on. I'm done here, let's go somewhere and talk." Alex followed.
Liv didn't say anything else until they were both seated in a cozy little booth at the local Greek place, and they were enjoying a light lunch of soup, salad and breadsticks. Then, "You've never… initiated… before."
"I know." Alex stared at her plate, her mouth going dry. Maybe this isn't the right time, she thought of the little black box in the pocket of her gym bag. She'd been carrying it around in her briefcase for a week, trying to find the right time to give it to Liv; somehow the occasion had never arisen. It had been an impulse to put it in her gym bag that afternoon, and one Alex was starting to regret. It was burning a hole in her mind, consuming her thoughts. "I don't know…I just…" She sighed. "You should wear a bikini. It would make your legs so much longer."
Olivia knew Alex was trying to change the subject. "I never wear bikinis."
"Why?" Alex seized on the topic change, but not out of a desire to change the subject. She was curious.
"I just don't." Olivia put her spoon down. "Alex…don't ask. Please. Let's change the subject. Here. Maybe it's too soon for this, I probably shouldn't have, but… I just…I saw this, and I got it, and I hope you like it." She leaned over, reached for her bag, and unzipped a small outer pocket. Alex's heart pounded as she saw a small gray velvet box appear in Liv's hand. Her mouth went dry as she opened it.
Inside the box was a narrow but strong gold rope chain, with a small golden slider bead dangling from it, inscribed with a foreign symbol. "It says 'sister' in some language or another," Olivia ducked her head, staring into her soup bowl. "I don't mean that I think of you as a sister; far from it, I'm too…attracted…to think of you that way. But in a lot of ways, we are; it's just us in a squad full of guys, and…" she shrugged. "It was an impulse. If you don't like it, well…I'll understand." Despite the casual tone, there was hope in her eyes.
Alex couldn't think of a single thing to say. Leaning over, she took the little black box from her gym bag and handed it to Olivia wordlessly. Olivia opened it, and her eyes glazed over with tears.
"It says 'love'," Alex said in a choked voice. "Liv…I never even thought of you that way, but after the night a week ago….I'm honored you'd let me into your life like that, in that way, and I wanted you to know how I felt. I just…I didn't know how to say it."
"Oh, Alex." Olivia took the necklace from its bed of black velvet and fastened it around her neck with shaking fingers. "Alex… it's beautiful. I'll wear it always. Thank you." She leaned across the little table and pressed her lips against Alex's, ignoring anyone who might have been watching, forgetting that anyone existed in the world but them.
When they broke it off, they saw a few people staring at them. A couple who looked at them with open disapproval, a guy with open, speculative interest; Alex flushed and waved for the waiter. They settled their bill quickly, and left together, carrying their bags. "Let's go to my place, it's not far." Olivia nodded silently, and Alex led the way. They walked in comfortable silence, side by side, enjoying the sunshine and quiet company. It felt like it was only the two of them, alone in the city; and for the moment that was all they needed.
Alex's apartment wasn't far from the gym; a controlled access building, like Liv's, but with a doorman. "You really should move into a building with a doorman," Alex said as she and Liv went up the stairs to her apartment.
"A cop living in a building with a doorman is like a butler with a valet," Olivia said. "Come on, Alex. I'm a cop. I can take care of myself. If anyone tries to get in my apartment while I'm there they're going to have to try around a bullet in the leg."
Alex pushed open the door to her apartment and walked in." Here we are," she said nervously, trying to sound calm as she locked the door. She'd seen Liv's apartment; austere but comfortable, the only room that felt lived-in was Liv's bedroom. Alex's apartment, in contrast, was comfortable, homey; worn, shabby, but clearly comfortable couch with threadbare but also comfortable throw pillows; TV, video equipment, and an eat-in kitchen; one bedroom beside the bathroom and a den just off the kitchen, with boxes of paperwork and a messy, cluttered desk. Through the bedroom door she could see the mess she'd left on her bed as she'd torn her closet and dresser apart, looking for something appropriately casual but delicately feminine to wear for Liv.
Olivia saw the mess too. "Alex, are you always this messy?" she said lightly, smiling to take the edge off her words as she headed for the bedroom to take a peek. It had a sand-colored carpet, sunny yellow walls, a light-blue bedspread with pale yellow flowers and contrasting butter-colored sheets with tiny blue daisies. "It looks just like you, Alex." Sunny, pretty, and feminine.
"Yes, well." Alex busied herself in picking up her clothes, quickly folding them and tucking them back in her drawers. "I'm not usually, but I knew I was meeting you today—" she caught her breath as Liv placed a hand gently on her hip, and her voice, when she spoke again, was breathy. "—and I wanted to look my best for you."
"Oh, Alex." Olivia took the half-folded pair of jeans from Alex's hand and hugged her friend. "If it make you feel any better," she said to the soft blond hair tickling her cheek, "I went through my whole closet looking for something that would look good on me for you too." Then she sneezed.
Alex grinned as she pulled away. "Chlorine again?" It was funny. Liv loved the pool, loved swimming, but the after-scent of chlorine always made her sneeze. "Let me slip in the shower and wash the smell out of my hair." She slipped out of Liv's embrace and headed for the bathroom.
Left alone, Olivia started to absently clean up the mess, folding clothes and putting them back in the drawers until the bed was clear. She couldn't block out the sound of the water, and she couldn't resist when she heard Alex begin to sing softly. She wasn't bad, Olivia decided after a moment. She'd never win any TV contests, but she could sing on-key, and her voice was delicately soft. Unable to resist, the detective drifted into the bathroom to listen.
Alex, still humming to herself happily, pushed the glass shower door open and reached for the towel…and froze when she saw Olivia standing in the doorway of her bathroom, not entering, not intruding, but not excluding herself either. Alex smiled and opened her arms.
Olivia stepped in carefully, kicking her shoes off at the door. She went to her knees beside the tub, her tongue coming out to delicately lick away the clinging water droplets on Alex's upper thigh. Alex shivered, and her hands came down to grip Liv's head tightly, trapping her there, savoring the feel of that wonderful tongue on her still-wet skin. Gently, she pulled her friend's head upwards, tugging Olivia to her feet so that the tongue traveled up over her concave belly and over her navel, then up to her breasts. When Olivia reached Alex's mouth, they kissed deeply, lovingly, and Alex, suddenly impatient, started to pull Olivia's shirt up.
Olivia's hand caught hers, trapping hers in her own. "Don't, Alex. Not in here."
"Why?" Alex, puzzled, took a step back and looked at Olivia. What surprised her was the look of uncertainty, vulnerability. "Olivia, what's wrong?"
"Not in here." Olivia turned away and left the bathroom, and Alex, surprised, grabbed the towel, dried off quickly, and followed Olivia into her bedroom, Olivia had drawn the curtains and turned off the lights, leaving the room only dimly lit. Only then did she pull off her shirt and start unbuckling her jeans.
"Olivia, I don't understand." Alex sat on the edge of the bed, toweling her hair vigorously as she watched her friend undress. "Why not the bathroom?"
Olivia sat down on the end of the bed, her form dark. "It wasn't the bathroom."
"What?"
Olivia mumbled something Alex couldn't hear. The blonde leaned in closer. "Olivia, I can't hear you." Frowning, she got up and crouched in front of her lover. "Olivia, what's wrong?"
"Light."
Alex frowned. "What's wrong with the light?" She stepped over to the wall and hit the light switch.
Olivia got up, whirled, placed her back flat against the wall. Alex frowned as she stood there nude, hands on her hips. "Liv, what the hell is wrong? I've seen you naked in the light before, that night in the conference room. Has something happened in the meantime I didn't know about?" She took Liv's shoulder, tried to pull her away from the wall. "Liv."
"We were caught up in the heat of the moment, and I was lucky you didn't see." The words were mumbled, and Olivia wouldn't meet Alex's eyes.
"I didn't see what?" Alex exerted all of her strength, and Olivia, surprised, got pulled off her feet and stumbled forward, falling face-down on the bed. And Alex saw. She caught her breath. "Liv. Oh, God."
Olivia didn't even try to hide it now, just lay on the bed with her face buried in the covers. Alex sat down on the edge of the bed, her fingers lightly tracing the two old, healed, half-faded scars that marred the flawless perfection of Olivia's lower back, just above the swell of her buttocks. When she spoke, her voice vibrated with sympathy for the pain that those scars must have cost her friend. "What happened?"
"I was twelve. I broke one of my mother's bottles. She hit me hard enough to knock me down, and then she hit me with the broken bottle neck, and the thing cut me." Olivia's voice was muffled by the blankets. "I never let any of my lovers see me naked in the light. I don't want anyone to see the scars."
"But I love you, Olivia. Did you think I wouldn't after I saw them?" Alex found her fingers tracing the scars again.
"I had a boyfriend, in high school. My first. After we…finished…I got up to clean up the blood, and he…saw." Olivia never took her face out of the comforter. "He…didn't react well. Most of the guys…they see that, and they wonder what a detective who works sex crimes is doing with those two great big damn scars. The scars are too deliberate. They always assume the worst…and I hate that."
"Oh, Liv." Alex understood only too well. She worked sex crimes cases; and even though she was a lawyer, she still got her share of men who gave her either odd looks or speculative, lewd ones when she told them what sorts of cases she handled. If she had scars this bad, would her lovers think the same? She guessed, from the similarity in hers and Liv's love lives, that that was the case; and she knew that Liv's refusal to face her now was because Olivia was afraid to see condemnation or disgust in her eyes. "Livia, look at me." Olivia looked up, and the soul wound Alex could see in Olivia's eyes tore her heart apart. "I love you. I don't care what scars you bear. I'm sorry. I wish I could have done something. I'm sorry your mother hurt you like that." She'd known Olivia's mother was an alcoholic, and she guessed that Olivia had been at least neglected for most of her childhood. She'd never guessed the hurt went this deep, this bad. "But Livia, I love you. I don't care what marks you have on you. You're here, and you love me, and I love you, and that's all I care about." She shifted so that she could lean over and kiss Olivia's scars.
Olivia shivered, goose bumps rising on her skin, and she moaned softly. Alex deepened the kiss, parting her lips, licking the hard ridge of scar tissue under her lips, feeling the difference in the surface of her lover's skin with her tongue. Olivia gave a strangled moan, her back arching, involuntarily presenting the scarred flesh to Alex more fully. Alex used her thighs to nudge Olivia's lower legs apart, leaning forward, one hand coming up between her friend's thighs to cup her sex, the other pressing Olivia's hips down to the bed. Olivia made a sudden sound, trying to rise; Alex shook her head, increasing the pressure. "No. Stay down, Liv." Olivia still tried to rise.
Alex understood. This was Olivia's secret, the secret she'd never told anyone, the thing only Olivia knew about herself; herself and the bastard in high school who had taken her virginity but hadn't cared enough to accept the fragile, hurting girl who needed love. Hadn't cared that he'd hurt her by taking her virginity, and then compounded that hurt by sneering at the cuts on her flesh and on her mind. They might have healed physically, but they hadn't healed mentally. He might not have raped her physically, but the mental rape, the rejection, had been much worse.
"You've never completely healed from this, Olivia. Let me heal you. Let me in." Alex murmured the words softly, loud enough for Liv to hear but soft enough so the detective would hear the unspoken plea in them. Please, Liv, baby, trust me. I love you so much. Please.
Abruptly, Olivia stopped fighting Alex's hands and went quiet, limp, her face hidden in the bedcovers. Alex almost went limp with relief herself; she wasn't sure she would have had the nerve to keep holding Olivia down in a position she obviously didn't want to be in. She'd taken self-defense classes, and she knew how to handle a gun, even if she didn't own one. She was a practical woman, after all; New York was a wonderful city but there were so many things that could, and did, happen to single women all the time. Because of those self-defense classes, she knew that on your stomach was the one position you never wanted to be caught in; an attacker could easily incapacitate your ability to defend yourself by pinning your arm behind you. Olivia, as a cop and as an abuse victim with those ugly scars, would hate being on her stomach more than most. Now Alex knew why Liv rarely slept on her stomach. Being awake, conscious, lying on her stomach, nude, in a strange apartment…Olivia was putting a great deal of trust in Alex, by fighting the instinct, beaten into her by her mother and drummed into her by the classes at the Academy, to never, ever be in a vulnerable position.
Alex slowly let her grip on Liv ease. Olivia's muscles, under her skin, were still tense, and Alex had the impression that if she moved so much as a hair wrong, Olivia would bolt, and she'd never ever trust Alex again. Carefully, she returned to her oral inspection of the scars, licking them with her tongue and scraping the scar lightly with her teeth. A long time ago, when she was learning to ride a bike, she'd fallen and scraped the back of her thigh; it had been shallow but bled profusely, and left a slight scar down the back of her left thigh. The scar still itched. It was only logical to assume Liv's itched too. And Alex knew Liv would avoid touching it if at all possible; she didn't want to be reminded of it, didn't want to know her shell of confidence had a crack, a tiny flaw, in it.
She was like the crystal dolphin figurine Alex had seen sitting on her bedside table. The crystal hadn't been made quite right, and there was a tiny flaw in the tail fin, barely noticeable, but Alex had seen it. Olivia had never explained why she loved that little dolphin so much, but Alex was willing to bet her next paycheck now that Liv knew the flaw was there, and had bought it because she and the dolphin had so much in common. Free, independent, and pure; but the hardness belied the fragility, and it had a tiny flaw, a flaw that, if tapped gently at the right angle, would break the illusion, shatter the statue, and it would never be whole again. That high school Neanderthal had come so close to finding the exact angle needed to break that fragility; Alex swore to herself that she wasn't going to find it.
She stroked the skin of Olivia's buttocks, the ridges of the scars barely discernable to her fingertips. No wonder she'd missed them that first time. Her hands crept back under Liv's hips, exerting slight pressure upwards until Olivia was on her hands and knees on Alex's bed, her entire body shaking with tension, the instinct—the need—to break away warring with her trust in Alex.
Alex dipped her head between Liv's thighs, her hair ticking the sensitive skin of her outer thighs, her tongue delicately lapping at the folds of flesh between them. Olivia cried out, a shuddering half-sob that tore Alex's heart in pieces again because it had so much need and desperation and vulnerability in it. Her body was so tight… she was so close to snapping. Alex fought her own desire to cry in anguish at what had been done to Liv, and concentrated instead on working Olivia into a sexual frenzy, taking her past the knowledge of her body's flaw to the place where only the need to come existed; and she kept Olivia hanging there for a few seconds, for an eternity, until finally the brunette detective crashed over the edge into a soul-shattering orgasm, sweating, gasping, panting. She stayed on her hands and knees, her head hanging, her face invisible to Alex, and after a long moment Alex moved to Olivia's front and cupped her lover's head in her hands, turning the detective's face up to meet hers.
Olivia was crying.
Alex stared for a long moment, taking in the fact that Olivia wasn't crying from pain, it was from relief from the soul-shattering intensity of Olivia's hatred of her scars, the hatred she'd felt for her own body. Alex lay back on her bed, against her pillows, and pulled Olivia down with her. Olivia collapsed on her side beside Alex, wrapped her arms around the ADA's waist, and cried into her shoulder. Alex closed Olivia into a close embrace, holding her, hushing her, comforting her. Finally, running out of words, she started to quietly sing the song she'd been humming in the shower.