Left 2 Die
One very scary night, while old men rode around looking for small kids to rape, two video game obsessed nerds were getting ready to have the night of their lives. One guy's name was CJ, very smart buy very awkward. He always carried a zombie survival guide wherever he went. Ross was a very annoying kid who enjoyed messing around with CJ's action figures and masturbating to even the slightest amount of nudity he could find. This story will include romance, zombies, sex, pie, nudity, violence, half-beards, man-bear-pigs, tanks, witches, and boomsticks. Here we go. The story begins now. Here. Soon. Any second now. Any second. I'm going to start it right now. I'm going to say it soon. Am I being a dick? Probably. Hold on, I gotta go take a crap.
Okay, I'm back. We're starting right... now.
Ross and CJ were getting ready for the awesome zombie party that nobody showed up for. They didn't know why. They sent about a hundred invitations by messenger pigeon.
"Man, CJ, I'm surprised nobody showed up." Ross said.
"Yeah, I really thought those birds would get people to come... cun...cum... come."
"HA! You said cum!" And they both started laughing. You see, people, this is why nobody came to the party. He he he, I said came.
So CJ ended up on the computer looking for funny videos while Ross was half playing Guitar Hero and half messing with CJ's Halo action figures that he got for Christmas. One was red and one was green, and he took the arms and head off them and switched them around so both of them had a bit of red and a bit of green armor on them. So they did that for a few minutes and then the doorbell rang.
"Ross, get the door, it probably the pizza man." CJ said.
"No, you get it!"
"CJ, only friend at party. I could leave."
"FINE! For once you actually use your head." And CJ paused the video, got his wallet and went to the door. "Damnit." he whispered as he opened the door. And on the other side of the door, of course was the pizza...FOX! She had some beautiful blond hair, and let me just tell you, she had a NICE set... of everything you would find on a normal woman.
Author's note: Okay, I don't even know what I did, but I KNOW I messed up on something. I'm not even going to review what I typed but I know it's not right. Sounds like Britney Spears just had another kid.
CJ tried to keep his eyes off her chest and stared past her blankly. Out of nowhere Ross came and pushed CJ to the side. Half of his face could still be seen from the pizza lady's point of view. And of all things, he had one of CJ's Halo 3 action figures that he was working on. He held it up right in front of her face and said "Hey, look at this awesome guy I made!" CJ died a little bit on the inside.
"That's... nice." She said. " That's $10.95" CJ quickly paid her and closed the door. There was an awkward silence until they got back into the room. CJ set the pizza down.
"What the FUCK is wrong with you!" CJ yelled. So they ate some pizza and drank some soda and played some video games. CJ found a few funny videos but most of them were just boring. To make it worse Ross took the computer and started playing one of those god-awful flash games. This turned out to be a horrible night for CJ. About an hour passed. There was still a pizza and a half left. CJ didn't even want to have all that pizza but he expected more people to show up. As for Ross, he was happy as long as there were games. Finally, after five whole, long, boring, dreadful minutes the doorbell rang again. Kids, this is where it get good.
It was the pizza babe again.
"You Have to help me!" She yelled. "There's zombies everywhere! They're attacking everyone!"
"Your problem, babe." CJ said.
"WHAT! WHY?"
"This story is called 'Left 2 Die' If we let you in, there will be three characters. That would piss anyone reading this off because that would make the title misleading."
"What are you talking about?"
"Is that not reason enough for you? Okay, how about this? When I ordered the pizza, I specifically said no olives. And when I opened the box, guess what the first thing I saw was. OLIVES! Get out, go away, and maybe later if you have a better attitude, I'll consider letting you in." CJ slammed the door. Literally two seconds later the doorbell rang again. He opened the door and there was hot pizza chick again. This time she said in a tone that sounded like what you'd expect her to sound like
"Hi! Can I use your bathroom?"
"Sure! Come in!" CJ said. And so, yes, this story now officially has a misleading title, but, really who cares, it's creative at least.
So the guys stayed off the computer and Xbox for a while because they didn't want the hot chick to know they were nerds. (I'm not saying you're a nerd if you play video games, but that's all these guys do.)
"So what's your name, anyway, so I don't have to call you Pizza Babe." CJ said trying to start a conversation.
"Sam."
CJ slapped his face and said "Oh, God, that is SUCH a dyke name. COME ON!"
"Well, my friends call me Jennifer."
"See, CJ?" Ross said. "There you go, her friends call her Jennifer." A few minutes passed and the guys still stayed off the computer and the Xbox. Finally, CJ said "You know what? Screw you guys. I'm playing Mortal Kombat, and yes I like video games and at this point I really don't care what you think."
"I like Mortal Kombat." Jennifer said. "My boyfriend plays it all the time."
"Really? Does it bother you that he's probably dead now?" And of course Jennifer did what any blond girl who delivered pizza would do and started crying and left the house. CJ locked the door.
"Hey Ross do you think it makes sense that her friends call her Jennifer? Sam and Jennifer are two different names completely."
"Dude, that was pretty harsh." Ross said.
"What? She'll be back in like two seconds, she's not going to get anywhere with zombies roaming around. Besides, I don't want her to play Mortal Kombat, I'll have to go easy on her and shit."
And of course in about two seconds the doorbell rang again.
"Okay," CJ said "Either get in or stay out I'm not unlocking this door again." And of course they stayed in. Jennifer actually turned out to be pretty good at Mortal Kombat. Ross was laughing at CJ every time he lost which really pissed him off.
"Okay, you know what? I'm not playing this game anymore, I'm sorry Jennifer, but this kid is just PISSING ME OFF!"
"You're just mad because you lost to a girl, hehehehe!" Ross said in a retarded voice.
"Dude, I thought we were friends on this. Why are you being such a dumbass?" Jennifer noticed a nice guitar on the closet.
"You play guitar?"
Before CJ even had time to answer, Ross grabbed the guitar and said "I know some Smoke on the Water." CJ put his hand over his face and said "Oh my God." To make what was about to happen worse, he plugged it into an amp. He started strumming the guitar up and down, making a sound nothing like Smoke on the Water. Then he started shouting in a screamo voice,
"SMOKE! ON! THE! WATEEEERRRRRRRRRR! SMOKE! ON! THE WATEeEEEEEERRRRRR!" Strumming for every syllable. Then he stopped and sang in a very calm, but still very out of tone classic rock style voice, "Love meeeee..." Then he picked up the guitar and started slamming it on the floor. "I! WILL! BLOW! YOUR! FUCKING! HEAD! OFF!" he shouted, slamming the guitar for every word. He he kept on slamming it and not saying anything. Jennifer started freaking out, and CJ started shouting.
"JESUS CHRIST! ROSS THAT'S MY GUITAR!" He didn't stop of course. "Ross! What the fuck! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP IT ROSS!" Soon the guitar broke. At that point the girl was at the other side of the room with her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide open like she just saw a ghost, and CJ was mourning the tragic loss of his guitar.
"That was a gift, Ross. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!" Before Ross had enough time to make up an excuse they heard pounding on the walls of CJ's apartment. The zombies were trying to get in.
"We have to get out of here." CJ said. "Okay, my zombie survival guide says we need weapons and food. We should get to-"
"Gamestop?" Ross interrupted.
"No, we need to go to-"
"The mall?" Jennifer interrupted.
"No, we need to go to super-"
"Nintendo land?" Ross interrupted again.
"...WalMart." CJ said. "There we can get guns and food and get the hell out of this city. How's that sound."
"well..." They both said.
"I guess..." Said Ross.
"Yeah, I'd rather go to the mall." Jennifer said.
"Okay, Jennifer," CJ said. "You tell me how we're going to get across the city without getting attcked by zombies." And as any blond girl working at a pizza place would, she had no idea. So they decided to do what CJ wanted and packed up the pizza and some other things for the journey. CJ also took a pump-up pellet gun rifle with lead BB's and let Ross and Jennifer borrow his paintball guns for quick short-ranged attacks until they could get the good stuff in WalMart. Because everyone knows that stores such as WalMart have sections where they sell weapons such as automatic machine guns that even people who aren't used to holding guns can learn to use in a few minutes. So they went into the pizza delivery car since it was closest and because Ross loved the smell of Pizza. For some reason Jennifer did not get in the driver's seat.
"Um..." CJ said. "This might come as a shock to you, but... I never really got my driver's license." Ross and Jennifer started laughing. Ross knew he didn't but he just felt like being a dick.
"Yeah." He said. "I'll give you some time to take that all in."
So Jennifer ended up driving the car. After the trio argued which was Super WalMart was, they finally started heading there. Until, that is Jennifer accidentally ran over a zombie and started freaking out and crashed into a fire hydrant. This of course made the car alarm go off. To make it worse she got out of the car. Then Ross got out of the car.
"What the hell are you guys doing!" CJ shouted and then jumped out himself. When they were all out, the car alarm attracted a mob of zombies which all started chasing them. Jennifer did what anyone would have done and started running. Ross started pulling the trigger to his paintball gun before he realized that he forgot to bring paint balls. CJ took a shot with his pellet rifle but he couldn't tell weather or not he hit anything, and he didn't have time to pump the gun up ten times and take another shot. So then Ross and CJ took off too. Instead of going toward the car like you'd expect, the zombies ran in their direction.
"WHY ARE THEY CHASING US!" CJ yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Oh..." Ross stopped. "I think they're chasing me because of this pizza. He took a box of pizza out of his back pack.
"Ross, you need to get rid of it!" CJ said.
"Okay!" Ross started eating the pizza as fast as he could, but before he could finish the whole thing he dropped the rest of it and started puking all over the road. Some of the zombies stopped and ate the vomit while others kept running ant tripped over them.
"AH Ha ha ha ha! Ross started laughing. CJ stopped running and couldn't help but joining in. The almost completely forgot what they were doing to make room for this really long laugh session. They started screaming while laughing so it sounded like "AHHHH HA HA HA! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!"
Then the zombies finally started getting back up, so CJ said "Fuck" and they both started running again, catching up to Jennifer.
"Climb on the roof!" CJ advised. "My zombie survival guide says zombies can't climb!" So they did and eventually the zombies left. On the roof they found some real guns and a pack of cigarettes.
"We made it! I can't believe we made it!" Ross said.
"Son, we just crossed the street." CJ said with an unlit cigaret in his mouth.
"Give me one." Jennifer said. "I need it."
"Smoking is bad for your health." CJ said. "In fact, did you know that there are over two hundred known poisons in each cigaret? As a healthy substitute I would recommend a pack of chewing gum."
"Actually," Ross said "did you know that most chewing gum is sweetened with aspartame? Aspartame is also what is used in diet soda and has been closely linked to cancer, diabetes and birth defects. And even gum flavored with sugar is bad. Sugar can cause a number of health problems including heart disease and type two diabetes."
"I bet you drink a lot of diet soda, Jennifer." CJ said. "You need to stop right now, or you're going to die. It just goes to show, nothing you do is good for you."
"You guys are such assholes." Jennifer said in a dramatic young person way.
"CJ, we better get to WalMart fast. I'm-"
End of Chapter one.
Author's Note: Well, let us know what you think. Reviews will be greatly appreciated. Actually, even if you hated it, I still hope you review it. And sorry for the random ending, i did that for humor sake. Chapter two will be coming soon, or whenever we get around to it. In chapter two we will introduce the different species of zombies and you might even see a few cameos from the actual game!