When it first happened, InuYasha thought he had finally gone insane.
That day had started, like so many others lately, with bashful hope turning into heartbreak as autumn's wind made the walk back from the Honekui no Ido even harder.
Since Miroku and Sango were busy with the twins and Shippo was leaving in a few hours to take his Fox Demon Promotion Exam, it seemed inevitable that the solitude he always worked so hard to keep at bay would crept in.
Deciding the cold was the only issue he could do something about, InuYasha had concentrated on picking up the logs he had cutted to keep the fire alive. Halfway through it he heard it, the voice he would give anything to and do anything for.
"You forgot that one." The girl pointed to the wood next to his left foot with the hand that wasn't holding what InuYasha immediately recognized as chips. Blinking slowly at his astonished expression, she jammed a portion of it on her mouth.
"K-Kagome?" Incredulous that his senses had failed to perceive her presence on the spot, InuYasha felt the weight of the logs left his arms as they dropped to the ground.
"InuYasha!" Kagome greated, waiting for a reply that got lost on his dry throat. "So that's it? First time you see me in ages and all we are gonna do is call each other's names?" After a short pause she contemplatively brought a finger to her lips. "Do you think we do that a lot?"
His instincts had tried to preserve him, screaming that Kagome wasn't there, she couldn't be. Nevertheless, he ran to her — only to have his expectations crushed when he finally reached the girl and watched her vanish at the touch of his fingers.
"Just what the hell is happening?" Hurt and alert, InuYasha pulled Tessaiga out, already pitying the unadvised bastard who dared to mess with his head like that. Jaw locking along with his grip on the sword, he searched around for anything out of ordinary. There was none.
"Would you calm down?" Once again her sudden appearance caught him off-balance. The more he tried to make sense of it all, the less he understood. "There's no reason to be grouchy, it's just me." Kagome — or so it seemed — spoke with the simplicity of someone who ignored how much he had waited to hear precisely that.
"You're not her." It was the one thing InuYasha was convinced of by then. Of course he was somewhat aware of this possibility when he jumped head first, but the previous knowledgment didn't help soft the blow.
"I'm pretty sure I am."
"But you're not really here." The hanyo put Tessaiga back in its sheath, habitual torpor taking over his movements without even giving him a chance to loath himself for being so stupid. He was about to go home when she explained.
"I am. To you, at least. You know, being a creation of your mind and all." His ears twitched. Creation of his mind? InuYasha had only began to assimilate what she said as he noticed someone approaching. The girl opened the biggest smile. "Is this who I think it is?" She turned away to confirm her guess the moment he arrived.
"InuYasha? Are you alright? Why is your mouth open? You look like a fish."
The half demon set his lips in a hard line.
"Shippo-Chan! Look at you all grown up!" Pride overflowed every word as she leaned down to admire the few inches he had gained up close. The demon fox, however, stayed oblivious to her presence.
"I'm fine." That sentence had lost its meaning for a while now. "Are you leaving already?"
"Yeah, I'll be back in a few days." Shippo frowned at the abandoned logs on the ground. "Are you sure you're alright?"
"Is it safe for him to go alone?"
"Yeah, now shuddap!" InuYasha didn't know whose question he was answering but he desperately needed silence to try and put his thoughts in order.
"Now you sound like yourself. I just came to say goodbye." He popped into his pink, bubbled self and took off. "See you soon!"
"Banzai!" She had hailed, encouraging InuYasha to do the same while he stared at her in astonishment.
Now, a couple of moons had come and passed and InuYasha knew for a fact he was positively mad — because there she was still, lying on the ground beside him with the same intimacy her real version used to.
"You're not mad, silly. You just miss me. And that's okay."
"Quit reading my mind!"
It felt like a miracle at first, to have her back. Even if their interactions were exclusively restricted to his head, he figured half of her was still better than nothing at all.
Over time, though, InuYasha learned that it wasn't nearly enough. It did not do to see Kagome without touching her. To hear her voice and not her heartbeat. To have her so close yet not be able to inhale her scent. It wasn't a miracle, after all. Just an ethereal reminder of everything he had lost.
"Geez! I can go if you don't want me around anymore."
"Great. Leave."
"You have to mean it."
"I did!"
"Then what I'm still doing here?" Her eyebrows raised in defiance.
If Kagome had never came along, he could do it in the blink of an eye. Everything was easier in the days he had nothing to lose and lived like it, before she showed him how lonely it actually was and addicted him to her company.
Then she left. There was no going back to the way it was and InuYasha found himself hostage of all those stupid human feelings that always got under his skin. If he could get rid of them, letting her go wouldn't seem so impossible.
For the first time a sketch of a plan started to unfold. He could find a way to lock his human side for good, like he had always intended. Even though the jewel was gone, maybe he could track down a witch powerful enough. It was a shot in the dark but the perspective of not caring for anything anymore was very appealing.
"Oh, don't you dare!" She warned, in the bossy tone InuYasha inexplicably had become fond of years ago. He stood up and walked away, doing his best to ignore her begging him to stay.
When he got to the door, she bursted in front of him.
"Please, don't. I had always loved this part of you so much." She tenderly reached for his right cheek and InuYasha absentmindedly leaned on the touch he could not feel.
Fearing his knees would gave in or his mouth would howl the unfairness of it all, he made his way out, ready to search through the night for something — anything — to placate the sinking feeling that involved him.
"InuYasha, osuwari!"
InuYasha froze as the sound of the word he haven't heard in so long echoed through his mind, waiting out of habit to be dragged by that familiar, invisible force. The Kotodama no Nenju, however, remained oblivious at the command. And how pathetic of him to be disappointed by that.
"I can't let you do this." Her lower lip trembled and she swallowed, eyes glowing with odorless tears. Real or not, InuYasha hated that the sight affected him just the same.
"There's nothing you can do to stop me! If you gotta problem with it, then don't be a whole fucking world away, how 'bout that?" He roared, expecting she would either shout back or disappear for good. Instead, the illusion held his gaze, her face immutable.
"And what happens when I come back and you're not here? What happens when I come back and you are not you anymore?" He tried to snort, but it came out sadder than the intended.
"You won't." InuYasha felt the weight of the words as soon as they sunk in and an insane fear that he could be right eclipsed what was left of his rationality. A cold night welcomed him on his way out.
"InuYasha."
He refused to do anything beyond walking, every new step even more obstinate than the later, urging to get somewhere, anywhere.
And before he knew it, he was running.
"InuYasha!"
But not matter how hard he tried to shake her off, InuYasha just couldn't. Not when her voice was the only thing he could focus on. Not when it was calling his name so hopelessly. It was only a matter of time before he gave in.
"InuYasha!"
"WHAT?" Breath as heavy as the silence that followed, he stopped to face the beautiful phantom he had conjured out of memories and longing, daring her to go on.
"If going on this stupid journey is what you really want to do, I don't think you heading the right way." Then, like the green on the autumn leaves, she faded away, leaving him alone to at last realize where his path had ended. Right, he thought, it has been three days, after all. InuYasha stood there, looking at the old well, wondering how long it would remain as empty as he felt.
A/N: and I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for this demon dog and that episode of HIMYM which totally inspired this. You know the one.