Whose Prison Is It, Anyway?

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is the first and last disclaimer.

Episode One

DREW: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?" Our performers tonight are:

Four score and seven years ago…Lincoln Burroughs! (Lincoln tilts his head and stares suspiciously at the camera.)

He's no Archangel…Michael Scofield! (Michael stares at the camera with his usual sultry stare.)

Oh Canada…Colin Mochrie! (Colin sucks in his cheeks and makes a goldfish-face.)

He's sugary…Sucre! (Sucre raises an eyebrow.)

Let's Make a Date

One performer is a female contestant on a dating show and the other three are the eligible bachelors. Each bachelor has a bizarre identity or personality quirk. Colin is the female and Sucre, Michael, and Lincoln are the eligible bachelors.

COLIN (in a high-pitched, girly voice): Bachelor Number One, I love European luxury cars. If you bought a European luxury car, which kind would it be and why?

SUCRE (an obsessed Michael-Scofield-fangirl---jumps up from his stool and gets in Michael's face): Oh my God! I absolutely adore you, Mr. Scofield! I've loved since forever! Marry me!

COLIN: Are you sure you're not a bachelorette? Bachelor Number Two, I love Mexican food. What's your favorite type of Mexican dish?

MICHAEL (T-Bag---in T-Bag's Southern drawl): Oh, Susie-Q, I do believe you are the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. You know I love you. I cannot procreate, Susan, but your children are the answer.

COLIN: "Too much information" obviously means nothing to you. Bachelor Number Three, if you took me on a romantic getaway, where would you take me?

LINCOLN (Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter): Crikey, she's a beauty! Look at that! You rarely every see ones like that. (Lincoln runs to the first row of audience members and leads an attractive black woman onto the stage. The woman giggles hysterically and puts her hand to her face.) I've never seen anything like this! This is probably one of the most beautiful ones I've ever seen. (He lets the woman go back to her seat and he returns to his stool.)

COLIN: Oh, I like you. Back to Bachelor Number One.

SUCRE(has his arms around Michael's neck): Oh, Michael, we'll have a big wedding on the beach. Then we'll honeymoon on Mount Everest. And we'll have ten children named---

MICHAEL (still using a Southern drawl): Oh, if only it were true. You don't what I'd give to have a family of my own. Don't leave me! You cannot leave me! You don't know what I'm capable of. But you will, if you leave!

LINCOLN: Crikey! That one looks like a fighter! (Lincoln runs to the first row again and picks out a large, blonde, middle-aged man who looks a bit like Hulk Hogan.) See? Look at him! (He tries to put the man in a headlock while the man gives him a death glare, though he's futilely trying to stifle his laughter.) Isn't he amazing?

(Buzzer.)

DREW: So, Colin, who are they?

COLIN: Sucre is Michael's biggest fan.

DREW: Correct.

COLIN: Michael…I'll get back to Michael. Lincoln is the Crocodile Hunter.

DREW: Right. Can you get three out of three?

COLIN: Um, Michael is the…he's the murderer from Psycho?

DREW: Oh, darn. He's Theodore "T-Bag" Bagwell. That's twenty points for Michael and five thousand points for Hulk Hogan over there.