He lay on his bed, covered in sweat and filled with doubt.
The radio was talking.
It was the news, full of rape, murder and shootings as usual.
He turned uncomfortably.
How much was his fault?
It's my job, he thought. I can't help what I am.
I do my best to keep innocent people out of the way, but do I really care?
He leapt out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen for a beer. He switched off the radio.
Do I care about all the pain I've left? I never stopped to help those I left behind. I only moved forward, letting all who stand in my wake become undone by my actions…How many people have been hurt because of me? What am I good for?
Ding-a-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling!
Who could be calling at this hour?
Zenigata reached for the phone. He picked it up. "Hello?"
Dead silence.
"Hello!"
Nothing. Even the phone had abandoned him.
The radio started to crackle.
Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop! It said.
Great, now the radio is broken. Exactly what I need.
He switched off the device.
Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop!
Zenigata shot into the air.
"What was that!?"
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
The phone again? He picked it up.
"Hello?" He said for the third time.
"Banana phone!" Rang a cheery voice from the instrument.
"What do you want from me?" He cried.
He hung up.
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
He didn't answer.
"Banana phone!" It echoed disembodied from around the room.
Zenigata shot the phone.
Have I finally lost it? I seem to finally understand all my mistakes today…Maybe I'm crazy.
What is a Banana Phone? Useless. He thought. Then it struck him.
Useless like me..! This is my song. The song of my worthlessness.
I've got this feeling,
Zenigata felt numb.
So appealing,
Death was appealing, now that he understood.
For us to Get together and sing. Sing!
The world would sing once he was dead, he felt sure of that.
It would make room for someone worthwhile.
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
It came again. It was his death song now. The bells rang for him.
Banana phone!
Useless.
Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding
Snack food? Now he was hungry.
I can understand 'Banana Phone', but confection is just weird.
Donana phone
Now death was just mocking him.
He wondered if Death would make the song stop, or he was already dead and this was his punishment.
It grows in bunches,
What is the point of this song?
I've got my hunches,
So had I. Fat lot of good it's done me.
It's the best! Beats the rest!
I thought I could be life, too. Beat Lupin, beat my job.
Instead, I'm the one who's beaten.
He started to make an active effort to drink himself to death.
Cellular, Modular, Interactivodular!
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
"When will I die?" He whimpered.
Banana phone! Came the cruel response.
Boop-boo-ba-doo-ba-doop!
I'm a big boop? Thought the drunk policeman.
Ping pong ping pong ping pong ping
I used to play games. Now I understand my whole life has been some kind of game to a cruel, invisible puppet-master.
Panana phone!
Okay, now I know something is wrong. Death song are supposed to depress you and make it easier to die.
It's no bologna, it ain't a phony
Zenigata started to crush his beer cans into pancakes.
My cellular bananular phone!
Zenigata wondered if he could kill himself with a banana.
Don't need quarters, don't need dimes,
Zenigata certainly had nothing of the kind. They paid he squat. He couldn't afford a banana, he realized.
To call a friend of mine!
He had no friends.
His only company on cold nights were his glasses of beer and his broken dreams.
Don't need computer or TV,
To have a real good time!
He had neither of those, as well. He had a typewriter.
Wow, I'm depressing. No wonder I never get a date to the Policemen's Ball.
I'll call for pizza. I'll call my cat.
I'll call the white house, have a chat!
Zenigata doubted weather any of those people cared about him, dead or otherwise.
Best to end it all.
I'll place a call around the world, operater get me bejing-jing-jing-jing!
An instrumental break started, any Zenigata decided to shoot himself.
First, he wanted to write a note so that no one would worry about him in his death.
I don't deserve worry.
As he started to write, however, he started to think.
Banana phone…banana…monkey…
LUPIN!!!
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
It all made sense! This was all Lupin's doing!
Banana phone!
The telltale sign!
Boop-boo-ba-doo-ba-doop
Lupin's scheming plan to get Zenigata out of the way for good!
Yin yang yin yang yin yang ying
They were like Yin and Yang: Opposites destined to always be at odds.
Yonana phone
Lupin though of some pretty stupid stuff.
It's a real live mama and papa phone,
a brother and sister and a dogaphone,
a grandpa phone and a grandma phone too! Oh Yeah!
I must protect the mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and dog and grandparents from Lupin!! He'll destroy the world!
My cellular, bananular phone!!!!!
I need one of those. He thought.
Banana phone, ring ring ring!
(It's a phone with appeal!)
He'd teach Lupin for messing with his head!
Banana phone, ring ring ring!
(Now you can have your phone and eat it too!)
That would be a handy feature, he was very often starving.
Banana phone, ring ring ring!
(This song drives me, Bananas!)
It had finally pushed Zenigata over the edge.
Banana phone, ring ring ring!
Zenigata, finally insane by having a bout of angst, joined in the last line:
"Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop-doop-doop!"
There was no hope for him now.