Olivia,
I once told Kathy that I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. It was completely true when I said it. But, that was ten years ago when I had just met you. You and I had only known each other for a year back then, back than I wasn't lying. Now, if Kathy would ask me if I still meant it, I would have to lie. I would have to tell my wife that I love her more than anyone. I would have to lie to her, look her in the eyes, smile, and lie. These days, I know I love someone more than my wife. It scares me, too. How can I love another woman? A woman who is not my wife? Sometimes, I get so scared I think about quitting the unit. I'm scared one day Kathy will ask me and I won't be able to lie. But, than again sometimes I think of what it would be like for you to ask me that, because I know if you did, I wouldn't have to lie.
I didn't fall in love with you immediately. The first few years were probably the simplest. At that time, I was still in love with my wife and my kids still thought of me as daddy. But, as time went on, as I grew to know you, my perception and priorities became blurry. I know I don't need to tell you how much I love my kids, Liv. But, I want to anyways. I love them more every time I see them. These days I don't see them a lot and when I do I'm so grateful for what Kathy and I's twenty year marriage had blessed us with. Dickie is so much like me, it almost scares me. He cares for people unconditionally and intensely. Kathleen and Maureen are the most elegant and beautiful of women. They have both came into their own over these past years, it's almost like I blinked and they were gone. Lizzie has such a good head on her shoulders and is so smart; I think she may be smarter than me sometimes. I certainly know it's possible. Little Eli is going to be the most hard headed out of the bunch, I can already tell. He's going to be so strong. I wouldn't even have him in my life if it wasn't for you. I don't think I can ever thank you enough for saving Eli and Kathy. The moment I walked out of that hospital room and saw you… words will never express how blessed I felt to have you in that moment.
If you would of asked me ten years ago, who my soul mate was, I would have told you Kathy. I believed it with all of my heart back then. I've never loved someone so long. But, as the years went on and Kathy and I's relationship started to crumble, I felt like I was always staring at the ceiling, thinking about what went wrong. Predictable things, I guess, is what started to take a toll at first. Long hours, my anger, and her loneliness were only the first wave of things. Those things were simple, looking back. Looking back, I would have much rather tackled those problems that to face the ones that were ahead. One of the worst problems I've ever had to deal with, Liv, is my feeling of inadequacy as a father. I missed so much in my kids lives, Liv. So much. I've missed trivial things like soccer games and school dance. But, I've also missed the big things, like when Lizzie's boyfriend broke up with her and made her walk home, in the rain. I would of given anything to be there for my daughter that night. But, I was working on a case and when it happened I had no idea. She was so upset the next morning and I didn't know why. I chalked it up to teenage angst and walked out of the front door. I walked out on my daughter who, I found out later, set her alarm for when I woke up and came downstairs to ask me what I thought she should do. That morning I was running late and didn't even tell her I loved her. She needed me that morning. She needed me so god damn much. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that morning. I didn't know my daughter well enough to know something was wrong. What kind of father am I that I can't even tell when my daughter needs me?
But, in the end I don't think any of those obstacles were big enough to ruin our marriage. One time you asked me why my marriage ended and I told you I didn't know why. I lied to you and I'm sorry. This next part is possibly the most important thing I will ever have to do, so I want to do it right. Olivia, you are not to blame for ending my marriage. You did NOT take me away from Kathy or my children. You did NOTHING wrong. It was me, Liv. I fell in love with my partner and was blind to everything and everyone else. I don't want you to feel guilty for ending my marriage, Liv, because you didn't. I knew by writing you this letter there would be a chance that you would blame yourself, but you can't. It wasn't you. It was all me.
The littlest thing has always meant the most to me with you, Liv. We've never shared a breath taking end-all-be-all moment. But, sitting here typing this to you, thinking about everything we've been through, I can hardly breathe. There are so many words, actions, and ill feelings I would take back, if I could. If I could, a lot would be different, Olivia Benson. A lot.
First of all, I would reassure you in some way, everyday, that you are more than adequate. I know you and I know that plagues you. But, it shouldn't. You are a wonderful partner, amazing human being, and an awesome friend. You are beyond amazing with the victims and you make the children we deal with so comfortable. I don't know how you do it sometimes. There are days, Liv. Days where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, cry for everyone and everything. You are the strongest person I've met, but sometimes it's okay to cry and feel. Sometimes, it's okay to go home and just cry. It doesn't make you any less strong. It doesn't make you weak or any of those things you are thinking.
Do you remember the first few years? Back than we actually laughed and joked around. I think that's when I first feel in love with you. You smile with your eyes when you laugh, Liv. Did you know that? Eight years ago, we sat at our diner one night after a hard case. It had been raining for days straight and there had been water tracked in from peoples shoes. The waitress had smiled and winked at me when she was walking by and slipped on the wet floor, her whole platter came crashing down on her. She had noodles and pizza all over her. I'll never forget what you looked like that night when you laughed. You laughed so hard you had to hold your stomach. Your eyes were glassy and shimmered. They were filled with so much light. It was something so little, but for me that's when I feel in love with you.
The next few years I had just put it on the back burner. Thinking if I ignored it I would just go away. But, really it just made things so much harder for everyone. I became so angry at you. Before I explain myself, if that's what I'm doing, I want to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying the things I did and I'm sorry for hurting you because in those years, I barely saw that light in your eyes. I was so angry for letting myself fall in love with you, so angry at myself for betraying Kathy and my kids. I could feel myself looking control. I just, damn it Liv, I couldn't fucking stop it. I don't want to dwell on this time in my life though. I just want to apologize and move on.
Through the years, you have been my constant. You've been there for me when no one was. I've hurt you and sometimes I was shitty excuse for a partner, but I've never stopped loving you, never. I'm putting this in your mailbox at your apartment and you'll read it when I'm not around. I don't know how you'll react or if I just ruined the best thing in my life. But, I needed to tell you. I need to be able to care for you again, to treat you with respect. The only way I was going to succeed in that was to tell you what made me so damn crazy. Harboring that emotion for years has made me crazy, Liv. But, I wouldn't take back any moment I have ever shared with you. I don't know where this letter is going to get us, I don't know what I can give you, I don't know what is going to happen in a month, and I don't know how we are going to handle it tomorrow. But, I needed you to know.
I love you, Olivia Benson
El