Episode 1: The "Great Woozilian"

It was the first of April, the flowers were blossoming, wildlife was coming out, an Zach was lying on his lazy butt doing nothing. This was just like every other day, but the air seemed different, like the calm before a summer storm. On one wall there was a picture of a family reunion, with everyone there: Zach, Leon, Kin, Yukita, and Kate.
Jeff: So basically what we are expereancing here is great summer weather. Not a cloud in the sky for another two weeks. And now we go back to Rob with the local news.
Rob: Thank you, Jeff. Now we will be coming to the commercials shortly, but on our news today for later there is the elusive robber "Woozilian" on the loose in this world, and some say he is being accompanied by a large,
talking pineapple. More on this after these brief commercials.
Zach, or "Woozilian" as he was known as on the news, grunted and turned off the news. He was getting bored of all this boring sitting around so he was going to go out.
Zach: Hey Pineapple, I'm going universe hopping to steal some stuff. going to move the house we're in too.
This is in a time before Zach became the half-ssed writer. This is when he was a half-ssed criminal, with slight magical powers, unlike the huge ones he has now.
Pineapple: Sometimes I wish I actually was a pineapple, then I wouldn't have to hear you complain.
Despite this strange statement, Pineapple actually is a pineapple. She merely wishes to be inanimate. In actuality,
Pineapple was once a beautiful woman who's name was forgotten. Now she hopes one day that Zach will help break her spell. Rumor has it they were once engaged.
Zach: I heard of a new universe to go to anyways, filled to the brim with gold. The land of Tales of Symphonia.
And using some of his powers, he transported the house to the land of TOS. He then sluggishly rose to his feet, and hopped out the door. He was only a few miles away from the house when he saw a group of young children to rob.
He snuck into the bushes, then pounced! This group was the newly formed group of Lloyd, Genis and Collete.
Zach: Give me all your money or pay the price!
At this point Zach triumphantly drew his sword.
Also at this point Lloyd drew his swords, Genis drew his ball thing, and Collete drew her spiked hula-hoops.
Zach: What kind of sick, demented children go around carrying weapons?
Lloyd: The kind of child that will hit you.
Zach: Do you even go to school?
Collete falls down on Lloyd, tripping them both and they roll into a ditch.
Zach: All right, shorty, gimme your money.
Genis: FIREBALL DAMMIT!
Zach: Oh, seet, lord.
A tremendous ball of heat swept through the grass, burning every blade until it went up to Zach, charring the skin of his right arm.
Zach: Shit.
Genis: FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL!
Zach, realising that this kid was creepy, ran like a sissy until he got a good shot at the kid with his bow.
Genis: MY FOOT! THAT MEANIE GOT MY FOOT!
Zach quickly and angrily gags Genis, and ties up Collete and Lloyd who are too retarded to get up.
Zach: That kid is l-o-u-d. Alright, gimmie all your money.
Genis preformed an astounding feat. He chewed thround the gag, burst through his ropes with a silent spell, and in a voice lower than a thirty year old man's said Genis: Meteor Rain.
For everyone who has played this game and is going "wtf how?" these are merely characters that have beaten the game a few times and used the "Carry Over Skills" whatchamajig. Zach, knowing better than to wait for the apocolypse, burst off to his home with nothing but a burned arm, 100 gold, and a fear of small children.
Lloyd: Way to go Genis, but because I'm the main character I get the credit for this fight even though I was obviously making out with Collete. I mean 'fell in a ditch' doesn't just mean that she's a clutz. She's a clutz for a reason.
With that, Lloyd and Collete made a disturbing wink in unison. Meanwhile, back in Zach's house, he is now devoted to get stronger, since a bunch of stupid kids beat him up. Currently he is doing marine push-ups, more commonly known as clap pushups.
Zach: 0. 0. 0. 0. Dang! These are hard. 0. 0. 0. 0. 1. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. I give up.
Pineapple: I can help train you. In our teens we won a world martial arts contest together, and I didn't get out of shape. But I must warn you, it will take hours of hard training testing your abilities. First, we shall spar.
Zach: Not today, I need to rest.
Pineapple, who used a minor spell to make herself the shape of a teenaged girl, made an incredibly strong right jab to his face, knocking him a good twenty feet backwards.
Pineapple: C'mon Zach, back in the day you could take that punch without even blinking.
Zach was now panting incredibly hard.
Zach: I just remembered one of our ways to train! Basically...whispers.
Pineapple: Okay, but you are in for a beating.
And thus it begun. Their old form of getting Zach back in shape. Pineapple would gather together all of her energy,
and in a crazed frenzy punch him as hard as she could as many times as she could. It was called, "The Pain of Progress"
After about twenty hours straight of bone-shattering punches Pineapple plopped down on to the ground, with no energy left. Zach, however, was almost back in shape. In another four weeks he'd be in top shape. In fact, the four weeks are only to heal his shattered bones.
Next time on History,
Zach faces the kids in a rematch,
Pineapple's curser reveals himself,
and even more plot unfolds on Episode 2: Revenge.