I have this idea nagging at me in the back of my mind since the end of summer, and I didn't write it until now, of course on the week before exams. Anyway, enjoy!
They always remember at first. Everyone does. It seems almost real to them. It comes to haunt them, some more than others. In the dark, as children sleep in the night, the memories sneaking into their dreams. Slumber overtaken by the horrific images of blood, gore, mangled corpses, cruelty and death. Most children fear monsters invading their sleep. Most children are lucky to fear only in imaginary creatures. The kind of nightmares I'm talking about aren't ordinary nightmares. They were real at one time. Memories. Memories of a different world, a world that may no longer exist, or a world that may still exist, somewhere…
Eren and I have been best friends since we were little. We've always been best friends, in every other world we've lived in. Of course, Eren doesn't remember any of these other worlds. He does, at first, for almost the first decade of his life, in every life. And during this time of his life, we talk about it.
We talk about our nightmares. The nightmares we have are the same. We keep seeing them. Those hideous creatures, picking up humans with their bare hands, carrying a life up to their mouth. Chomping them into pieces, as blood oozes out of the person they devour, dripping down from their mouths like slobber. We remember the days we fought. Every time, Eren tells me how he turns into one of them, but in order to save humans. He tells me how traumatized he is when he sees his mother die, or found out what he did to his father.
But Eren and I don't talk about these dreams anymore. In every life, just a couple months before his tenth birthday, his father takes in Mikasa. It's different in every lifetime how Mikasa's parents get killed. But they always get murdered. Eren always has that red scarf. He always wraps it around Mikasa. And that's when he forgets. Mikasa does too. She doesn't recall any of her nightmares. She and Eren have both told me they had nightmares when they were little, but couldn't remember what any of them were about. Of course, I knew what they were about. But I could never tell them. Once Eren had forgotten, I could never speak to him about it, until the next life.
In every life, I see Eren suffer. He loses his mother to a terrible accident. His father always follows. My grandfather, my only relative, dies when I'm eleven. The three of us, always end up becoming orphans.
When we were twelve, we began junior high. In seventh grade, I met many different people. Jean, Marco, Connie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Ymir, Krista, Connie and Sasha. We weren't all in the same grade,but I knew all of these people from my past life. I asked them, if they remembered. Reiner and Bertholdt already knew each other. They claim to have known each other since they were toddlers. By the time I meet them, they have long forgotten about their nightmares. Did they even have the nightmares back then? It's lucky for them to not have to remember. They wouldn't be able to live down the crimes they have committed. Maybe that's why they were all together from when they were little.
I knew Connie and Ymir before they met Sasha or Krista. They tell me so much about their past lives. Connie tells me about what happened to his entire village. I cringe at the thought. I know something terrible is coming for his family, he will unknowingly suffer the loss of his entire family, once again. But I cannot tell him that. Because there is nothing I, or anyone can do to change that. As soon as he met Sasha, he forgot of course. He never dreamed of losing his family ever again.
I also knew Jean and Marco before they had met each other. They both claimed to have nightmares their entire lives. Jean talks about Marco, quite often. His mind replays Marco's death, over and over. He is traumatized about what happened that day. I feel sorry for him. He loses Marco just like that, every time.
I talk to Marco too. He doesn't remember his own death. His memories only go right up to his death. Marco is such a nice boy, I want him to live so much longer. Every life, he has so much potential. He's so eager to live. He works hard in school, trying to follow his dreams. I see that every time, and I want to cry, thinking he'll never achieve what he wanted to. Once Jean and Marco met, I was happy they could be happy together, though I knew it would only last a short amount of time.
This time, it was an earthquake. It came so quickly. So many students were crushed under the rubble. I knew this day would be coming. I knew who would survive, and who would not. Eren would be badly injured. Jean would find Marco's corpse, trapped under what was once the ceiling.
Our school held a huge memorial service for the many students who died that day. It was a shock to everyone. Not to me, though. I knew which students would die. The same people die, every time. I knew the disaster would come, I knew something would happen. But I can't say anything. I've already tried that tactic. Fate finds its way, no matter what I try. Fate doesn't change.
I have grown old. In this life I'm only in my twenties, but if I count my other lifetimes, I am thousands of years old. I've seen too many people remember and forget that cruel world in many lifetimes. Then the question comes to mind. Why don't I forget? I've lived a countless number of lives just like everyone else. Yet everyone else eventually forgets in every other world. I don't have that luxury. I am the only one who remembers that world of despair, along with my countless other lives. Everyone else was allowed to forget. So why wasn't I?
I think deep down, I know the real reason why. Everyone else forgets once they meet their someone. Someone who allows them to forget. When Eren met Mikasa, they both forgot. It's like that in every life. The same with when Jean met Marco, or Reiner and Bertholdt, Ymir and Krista, Connie and Sasha. These ten other people are all my friends. I am the eleventh one. But back in the first world, there were twelve of us. Now there are only eleven.
I'm dreaming again. Or remembering, I suppose. I'm back in my first world, the world where she existed. I am inside my teenage-self. I see a petite blonde girl, and I begin to talk to her. My lips start moving. I have no control. I try to stop it, but this is my past. My mouth continues to speak the words I said all those years ago. The words that betrayed her. I want to scream, I want out of my past life. I know I am only dreaming. Wake up! I tell myself, but I can't. I can never leave this world at will. The blonde looks at me, trusting me. I feel the guilt seep through my skin. Stop, don't trust me, I thought. But I knew back then, I wanted her to trust me. I wanted her to be convinced she could trust me. I watch her get trapped.
I see the hurt in her eyes. I see her whisper, "How could you..." to me. I look away. Even back then, I didn't want to do it. I remember when I realized who this blonde really was. I started to cry when I realized it was her. I knew I had to tell everyone what I had realized. Why couldn't I have been more selfish? Why couldn't I have kept these thoughts to myself? I watch her transform into her true form. Tears begin to form in my eyes, but I forced myself to keep them from falling. I ran with Mikasa. I watch her and Eren fight. Back then, I should've tried to stop it. But what could I have known back then? Eren had her pinned down. He was going to get her. That was where I should've intervened. I should've told Eren to get her. But I didn't. He hesitated, just for a moment. That moment gave her a chance. I couldn't see it from this angle, but I knew what was happening. I saw the blue light flash in the air. She was crystallizing.
We all went down there to see what it was. But I already knew what was happening. I had already seen this scene multiple times before. Her entire body was ensnared in the crystal. Her eyes were closed, like she was asleep. A deep slumber she would never be awoken from.
Annie Leonhardt. The girl I loved in my first life. The girl who only exists on one plane. The girl who is missing in all worlds but one. The girl that ceases to exist. Because of me.
She had a cold personality, yet she was strong. You really had to get to know her to realize who she really was. She forced herself to wear that icy mask to everyone. I loved it, the few times she removed that mask off her beautiful face. Her rare smiles and laughs would melt it off, and make me melt away.
I didn't want to betray her. But I had to. I was the only person she really trusted, besides Reiner and Bertholdt. I didn't want to lie to her, deceive her. But it was for humanity's sake. I now regret what I have done. Annie fought for her people, her family. It was why she wore that icy mask in front of everyone. She couldn't be friends with anyone, or she wouldn't be able to fulfill her duties. Yet she made a mistake. She trusted me. And I betrayed her. And we both had to pay the price.
Annie realized there was no escape. She didn't want to talk to her enemies. She would rather crystallize herself, than give away information to the enemies. She was a brave warrior. But now I realize, I wish she hadn't been so brave. Annie is still out there. I no longer exist in that world. Neither does Eren, or Mikasa, or anyone else from that time. Annie is a lone wolf. She is trapped, between life and death, and no one, no one, can ever save her. I was the one that betrayed her. I was the one that led her to her demise. She is forever crystallized, unable to escape life or death. She is the one, who should exist in this world, and all of my other life times. She is the one who would let me forget. But I don't have that luxury to forget. I was the one who led Annie to her fate, I am the one that has to be punished for it.
I am sick of this life. I am sick of living. I don't want to live anymore. I've attempted suicide in my other lives. Sometimes, it'll only have me end up in therapy for the rest of my life. Other times I succeed, but I am soon born in the next life. Death is useless. Death doesn't free me. I can't stand it anymore. I've seen my friends suffer over and over and over again over similar things. Sometimes I want to tell them so much, I want them to remember. Sometimes I don't want them to forget. That is selfish of me. Ignorance is bliss. They are lucky they don't have to remember the horrors of their past life. I don't want the same kind of life, repeated over and over and over again.
I have snapped. I am broken. I can't take this anymore. I sit here screaming. My hands are grabbing my matted hair. I want to escape! Escape this endless loop! I scream to Eren. I shake his shoulders. I desperately plead to him to remember what happened. I fall to my knees, begging him to help me. I ask him how to save Annie. I know Eren can't help. He can only look down at me at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy. After living so many lives, I'm so old. Am I even living anymore? Or am I just stuck in hell? I can no longer tell the difference.
And here I am now, sitting here alone. I know Eren means good to me, but being locked up in this asylum won't help me. Talking to a psychiatrist won't help me. Talking to Eren won't help me. Talking to anyone won't help me.
I hold the blade in my hand, the blade that I had snuck into this room. I slowly bring it to my wrist, carefully delving it into my flesh. Blood oozed out of my skin. I have done this many times before, in many of my past lives. I know it does nothing, all it will do is send me to another world, live in hell again. But what's the point of living in this world any longer? I can't take this anymore. I fall to the ground. My consciousness is deteriorating, my vision turning to darkness. No one can save me now. And no one, no one, can ever save Annie.
So what did you think? I hope this made you feel something, that's what I was aiming for! It would be awesome if you leave me a review! Thanks for reading!