Loneliness and Solitude
Shakespeare's Lemonade
Rating: T
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Romance
Summary: It's a realization that shouldn't be sudden. He's lonely. He falls in love. He gets too close. He backs out. He lets go. It's a well documented pattern with Oliver Queen; Felicity just got to experience the process a little faster than most. She's angry, and she's sad, but mostly, she's sorry he thinks he has to live like this. And she's about to suffocate. Literally.
A/N: This is set sometime between 3.01 and 3.09. I just got into Arrow and I have never been more attached to a ship in my entire life than I am to Olicity. I plan on doing a multi-chapter story set after 3.09, but for now, enjoy this little oneshot. Thanks to The Reading Elf for beta reading for me.
"Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused because I spend my solitude with you."~Relient K
She's got half an hour to live, tops. Assuming the carbon dioxide doesn't get her before then.
And this is what she's thinking about. Typical. She's too smart for this. Too self-sufficient. She doesn't need him.
Well, that's not true. She needs him to dig up her living grave and save her life.
But not emotionally. Not existentially. Oliver Queen is not the only man in the world. Not that she even needs a man persay, but at this point, she's willing to admit that it would be nice because she's going to probably die and never get the chance to see what kind of hell this train of thought puts her through. She won't have to look at him every day and wish he wasn't so stupid.
And that's another thing—Why is she so attracted to him? The size of his brain is in inverse proportion to the size of his muscles. Not literally of course. That's a biological and mathematical impossibility. She's being figurative...
Now she's rambling to herself which happens when she's left alone for too long, and she had almost forgotten that. Before Oliver came into her life, Felicity was alone a lot. She worked alone, went home alone, and wished for something more. Now she can't remember the last time she had ten waking minutes to herself. It's somehow solitary at the hideout, but she's never truly alone. Someone is always there or on the phone asking her questions or taking directions.
Until now, Felicity hasn't realized that working with Oliver actually gives her more of a social life. She isn't lonely anymore.
That's it. The attraction. He's made her realize that she has someone she can always count on, someone who's always around. Except when he isn't, which is getting to be more frequent lately. She knows where he goes, but she doesn't follow him because it's her he's trying to get away from. It's them. He doesn't really look her in the eye anymore since he said he loved her.
Felicity tries smashing her fists against the lid of the coffin and screaming for a little bit. It's a waste of air, but sobbing would be too, and that's where she's heading when she thinks this way.
The loneliness seeps in again, and she realizes something that she should have known. Oliver never let go of it. He's so lonely that he falls in love with every girl he meets because he's looking for something to take away the pain of feeling as if he doesn't exist. But he always retreats. There's always a city to save, a complication that can't be overcome. He pulls away, and he lets go.
One violent sob escapes Felicity's throat. She's sad and angry, but she's been that way all along. Now she just sorry he thinks he has to live like this. She wishes she had been able to make him see that he didn't have to. Because she remembers his reluctance to let her go that night in the hospital corridor. If she closes her eyes, she can see his hands hovering in the air, even though her face isn't there anymore. She can hear the pain in his voice when he refuses to say he doesn't love her.
The next sound she hears is her own voice, but it's not a sob, and it's not a scream. It's a strange, guttural cry that can't possibly be coming from her.
It hits her right in the middle of her soul being crushed that there is one thing she can do. She can't get out of this coffin. She can't save herself. And maybe Oliver can't save her either. So far they haven't made it to any of the victims in time, and Felicity doubts she will be an exception. She doesn't have much time, but maybe she can still save Oliver. Maybe she can make him see that he doesn't have to be alone. She's got her cell phone. There's no signal, so she can't call, but it's got enough battery life to write a note.
As soon as she types his name, Felicity realizes that she is actually going to die. This is the last chance she will get to say anything to anyone. She begins by identifying her killer. At least Oliver will be able to stop him once he finds this.
At this point, her vision starts to blur, and she's not sure if it's the lack of oxygen or the thought of what she has to say next. Knowing she doesn't have much time left, Felicity tries to keep her breathing slow and even as she continues to write. As soon as she begins, the words flow as fast and rambling as if she were saying them directly to him.
I know right now you're thinking that this is what always happens. You care about someone, and they go and die on you. But that's all the more reason to make the most of the time you have, to love the people you still have and let them see the real you. I know you think you can never be happy. That it's something you have to sacrifice for the good of the city, but you don't. You don't have to be alone. If you do one thing for me after I'm gone, make it this: don't be alone, Oliver. The thought of you spending the rest of your life in loneliness is killing me more than all the oxygen I've used up.
I want you to know that I didn't suffer. That I fell asleep and didn't feel a thing.
I don't regret anything. I'm thankful for all the time I got to spend with you, grateful that you saw something in me that no one else ever did. It wasn't just the work we did either. It was getting to know you, seeing you smile when I said something stupid. I was always so thrilled that I could make you smile.
I love you, Oliver. I think you've know that for a long time, but I never actually said it. I love you so much, I can't stand the thought of you being alone. I wanted it to be me, to be the one you finally let into your life. I know you wanted to, but you thought you couldn't. You can. I believe in you. I always have, and until I pass out from the carbon dioxide, I always will.
I'm sorry, that's probably kind of morbid. I can't say I'm not a little afraid, but thinking of how many times you've faced death and been willing to sacrifice yourself for someone else, I think I'll be okay. Freaking out would only use up the air faster.
I know this is getting kind of long, but since it's my last chance to talk to you, I think you'll forgive me for rambling just this once. Let everyone know that I love them and appreciate everything they did. We were a great team, and I hope you all keep going after I'm gone. The city still needs all of you. And please tell my mom I love her. I know she won't understand all this, but she should know that I'm gone. Whatever you have to tell her is fine. Just give her some kind of closure. Let her know that all her hard work wasn't wasted.
I'm feeling sleepy now. I know it won't be long. Remember everything I said, Oliver. Remember me. Remember I love you, and I'll always be your girl.
Felicity lets her hands fall to her chest, still holding onto her phone. Every breath feels like it's too heavy, too slow. Rational thought is a thing of the past. She'll be gone soon.
"Oliver..." she whispers, feeling tears prickling her eyes. She's surprised she has any left with how dehydrated she is. But her last thoughts are of him; her last word is his name.
That has to be enough.
"Come on, Felicity..."
Oliver can't remember exactly when his crash course in CPR was, but he knows what he's doing. He knows he can save her.
Diggle should be getting a pulse right about now, but he keeps shaking his head. That's not right. Felicity can't be gone.
Roy is standing there, holding her phone and looking confused.
Oliver doesn't know why he notices all these things when the one person he can't live without might be dying in front of him. Maybe he's just used to this.
"Keep trying," Diggle says. "The carbon dioxide would have caused her to pass out before she asphyxiated, so she could still have a chance."
Oliver doesn't have to be told. He continues the chest compressions, counting to 100. She's going to be feeling that for a while.
"I got something!" Diggle says. "It's weak, but she's definitely got a pulse."
"Guys," Roy interrupts, holding up Felicity's phone. "She saw him."
Oliver looks from Roy to Diggle, and then back to Felicity. "Go," he says. "I'll get her to the hospital."
As they leave, Roy slips the phone in Oliver's pocket. "I think the rest was meant for you," he says.
Oliver picks Felicity up and carries her back to the van while Diggle and Roy take the motorcycles. As he starts down the road back to town, Oliver finally lets himself breathe normally again. Felicity is going to be okay.
Somehow, Oliver manages to successfully drive to the hospital while working his way out of his Arrow disguise and keeping an eye on Felicity who is slumped over in the passenger seat. By the time he pulls into the ER parking lot, Oliver is ready to play the role of frantic civilian, which isn't far from how he feels. He can feel Felicity's shallow breathing as he carries her inside.
Someone calls the police when he comes through the doors and announces that she was buried alive. Nurses whisk Felicity away, and before Oliver knows what's happening, he's standing alone in the waiting room with no idea what to do with himself.
Someone comes soon after to ask him a bunch of questions about what happened to Felicity and whether she's allergic to anything. He answers as accurately as he can, leaving out the part about him being the Arrow.
By the time this is over, Oliver sinks into a chair and checks his phone. There's a text from Diggle saying: "We got him."
As he puts his phone back in his pocket, Oliver feels another on in there, and he remembers it's Felicity's. Her note is still open on the screen when he opens it, and Roy hadn't scrolled past the beginning of the second paragraph. When Oliver begins to read through it, he's glad no one else has. Roy had been right when he said Felicity wrote this part for Oliver. It's longer than he would have expected. For some reason, Oliver had figured on some dying declaration of love, not a detailed analysis of why he shouldn't be alone. He really shouldn't be surprised. He doesn't even make it halfway through when his vision begins to blur, and suddenly his private moment is interrupted.
"What the hell are you doing here?" comes the voice of Captain Lance, though surprisingly not unkindly.
Oliver looks up from the phone, blinking rapidly to try to hide his emotions. Quite unsuccessfully.
"Felicity," he says, and his voice cracks over her name.
Lance takes a more serious look at Oliver, his gaze coming to rest on his hands. "Doing a little midnight gardening, are we?"
The dirt on his hands. His presence here. It's all a dead giveaway. Lance knows. If he hasn't figured it out before now. Instead of saying anything about it, he just sits down next to Oliver and rests his hands in his lap.
"I'm sure you'll be pleased to know we caught the guy," Lance says conversationally. "I was expecting the Arrow to deliver him to us, but it was his little sidekick in the red hood."
"He's not a sidekick," Oliver says without thinking. He doesn't care what Lance knows now.
"Oh, right. They're partners. You ask me, the Arrow's got a lot of partners for a guy trying to keep a secret."
"Like you?"
Lance smirks ever so slightly. "Yeah," he says. "Like me."
"I'm sure he appreciates it."
"Well, you would know." Lance shrugs. "And I get the feeling Felicity Smoak is more than just a partner."
Oliver finally looks Lance in the eye. "Why are you here?" he asks.
"Officially? Questioning the witnesses in a serial murder case. Unofficially, I care what happens to her too. Seems like there are so few good people out there, and she's one of the best."
Oliver nods, and looks back at the phone in his hands. The screen has gone dark, but Felicity's words still play before his eyes.
"Yes," he says. "She is."
"She's gonna be okay, you know?"
It's so sudden that Oliver almost gasps at the realization that Quentin Lance is actually comforting him. He laughs instead, and Lance doesn't ask him why.
Felicity coughs, and she's pretty sure that if there is a Heaven, there's no coughing there. Her chest hurts too, like someone hit her with a sledgehammer a few times. She's not dead. She can't possibly be. But that doesn't make any sense. She suffocated underground, too far gone for anyone to save.
But here she is in a hospital bed, blinking in the light and relishing the simple act of breathing. The oxygen tube is irritating her nose, and her wrist itches where the IV needle is attached. She wishes she didn't notice all that because there's something much more important going on here. There's a warm, hard pressure on her hand, and it's attached to Oliver. He's not looking at her, and it's almost like he's sleeping until she turns her head and the sound alerts him. He looks up like he's ready to fight, and his hand tightens around hers.
"Hey," he says, and it sound more like a breath he's been holding.
"Hey," Felicity replies, her voice cracking painfully.
"Here." Oliver hands her a small cup of water, and Felicity suddenly realizes how thirsty she is.
"I'm not dead," Felicity says matter-of-factly as Oliver sets the empty cup aside.
"No," he replies. "I tracked your cell phone to the last place it had a signal and went from there."
"How did you know how to do that?"
A smile ghosts over Oliver's lips. "I do pay attention when you talk sometimes."
Felicity smiles back though she's knows there are more serious things to talk about. "I left you a message," she says.
"I read it," Oliver replies. "Roy and Dig caught the guy and turned him in. You solved the case."
"Maybe I should just get buried every time then."
"That would not be my preference."
"Oliver—"
"I read the rest of your message, Felicity."
"I know what you're going to say, so don't. I'm not taking anything back. You have to know that my last thought—my very last thought when I was dying was of you. And it made me feel alive—even though I was asphyxiating. But the thought of you walking away right now, the thought of you being alone is killing me. It doesn't have to be me, Oliver, but someone. Just... don't be alone."
Throughout her speech, Oliver watches Felicity in silence. He rests his chin on his free hand, and when she's finished, he actually smiles.
"You really didn't know what I was going to say." He leans toward her, still holding onto her hand. "It does have to be you, Felicity. I thought I could give you up for some greater good or whatever, but I can't. I don't want to."
Felicity stares completely speechless. This is the last thing she had expected. She hasn't mentally prepared for this outcome, even though she's imagined it plenty of times. It's always been the impossible dream, and Felicity suddenly has the urge to pinch herself.
"Felicity?" Oliver's voice interrupts her thoughts and reminds her this is real.
"Hmm?" she replies distractedly.
"I just... thought you'd say something."
"I... I don't know what to say."
"Well, there's a first time for everything."
Felicity laughs, which sends blinding stabs of pain through her chest. "What the hell happened to me," she groans when the pain subsides.
"CPR," Oliver says. "I did my best not to break any ribs."
"Thanks for that. It's kind of a moment killer, though."
"But not an RPG on the first date kind moment killer."
Felicity has to stop herself from laughing again. "No, nothing could top that."
"So the worst is over."
"Let's hope so."
"Felicity?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
Felicity smiles as wide as her lips will go. "I love you too, Oliver."
Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think.