Their all smirking at him, smirking at their crazy captain that acted like an idiot/genius and has just cheated death yet again. Except bones of course, he's scowling. Probably because he just spent almost 24hours trying to save his life and he's starting to get fed up with his best friends antics because how can someone so damn smart be so stupid.
He wonders if they would still laugh it off if they really understood why he does what he does. Why he puts his life in danger, he doesn't own one ounce of self preservation, why he throws himself into the line of fire without a care in the world, why he was so god damn reckless.
It's not because he's brave or courageous although he may be those things. It's not a desire to show off or play the hero. No his reasons are darker, not the sort of things you share openly.
He can't tell them he doesn't value his life, that his mother dedicated her days to make sure of that. He can't tell that he feels so cold and so empty, that the only time he feels alive is when he's close to death. That the rush of adrenaline when he knows that one wrong move and it's all over reminds him that he is actually breathing.
And he certainly can't tell them how sometimes when he's laying on a floor somewhere bleeding out he's very at peace with the fact that it could be the end, almost welcomes it. Sometimes.
So no he can't tell them he purposely gets himself hurt because physical pain is the only thing he can really feel, how can he? They won't get it. They spend their days with a charismatic larger than life man with a permanent grin on his face. They spend their days with a man that can show great compassion, a man with a wicked sense humour and unbeatable belief that there is no such thing as a no win scenario. They couldn't handle the fact that it isn't real. Never has been.
So he smirks back at them, ignores bones not so subtle cursing, content in the knowledge he'll do the same thing tomorrow.
He'll get hurt so he can feel something, anything.
He'll act like a reckless idiot, so he'll feel his heart race and remember it's still beating..
And he'll try to get himself killed, just to remember he's alive.