She took a deep breathe. She felt disappointed in herself, but felt proud at the same time. She knew Ali would be. Alison would be proud of her.
She took another deep breathe and forced herself to drop the razor. She was shaking and bleeding. She was dizzy but managed to stand. She looked in the mirror and inspected herself. Every inch of her that was practically bone she saw as fat. So on this bad day, she cried. She cried because her dad left her. Alison was murdered. A crazy psychopath was after her and her friends. Mona, who was her best friend, ended up being that crazy person, '-A.' She cried because Caleb left her, even if she did ask him to, Ali was actually… alive. She had suspicions Ezra, the love of one of her best friends' lives, was also working with –A, and because she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop thinking the way she was. Couldn't stop hurting herself, wishing she was dead. She couldn't stop anything. None of what was happening to her and the girls was in her hands, and they all suffered, so she desperately wanted to have control over it, to stop it. But she has no control, sadly. She can't find the strength to eat anymore, to stop herself from pushing her toothbrush down her throat, or using that damn razor to peel open her wrists or ankles or thighs. She was in too deep.
She couldn't stop anything because she had no control, she knew that. She, herself had no control. She missed being able to be strong, being the one who made sure her friends were okay if they looked hurt, or were. Now she's just weak, and her friends all know she's hit rock bottom, and try to figure out how to help. They try to make sure she eats, but she refuses. They try to watch over her 24/7, but she has her alone time. They wipe away every tear that descends down her pale cheeks, and she knows that they are trying to help. Sometimes they do. But usually she blocks them out and they sigh. Sometimes they cry seeing her so fragile and weak. So skinny. It was scary for them to see all the pain their friend was constantly going through.
Sometimes Hanna would have good days. Those were usually 3-4 times a week, which was great. She would laugh and smile and he herself, which relieved Spencer, Aria and Emily. Then for the rest of the week, she would block out all sound. Block out the world, and the girls. At lunch, she would sit with the others, only paying attention to the food she pushed around with a fork every day, and never eat. Sometimes at lunch she would go home. But on those bad days, she did anything but cry. Somehow, she only reserved the tears for good days, because those days reminded her of everything good in her life… which wasn't much. That's why she would cry. She would cry those days because she wanted to feel like that always. She always wanted to feel happy, and safe, but she didn't, so she cried. She just let out all her emotions that way.
If she cries on a bad day, then that's not a good sign. But sometimes she does. The salty fluid just manages to take control and spill out of her blue eyes. But, on bad days, she doesn't cry because of the few good things in her life, or what she wants. She cries because sometimes the small little razor she digs in and drags along her thin skin hurts and stings. Sometimes the toothbrush hits the back of her throat too violently, or the backlash of anything in her digestive system rising up and burning her throat was just too much to handle. Sometimes on these bad days she cries because she realizes what she's doing is bad.
So after crying on one of these bad days, she stands up, blood dripping a bit, eyes closed and throat stinging, closes hey eyes and takes a deep breathe. She washes her hands and grabs some paper. She takes a pen and sits at her desk before writing.
Dear Mom,
You know I love you. More than anything. You always cared about e more than I could even try to. But that made me happy. You always knew the right things to say, and when to say them. I know sometimes I wasn't the best, most appreciative daughter, but I need to clarify to you that I love you, mom. You always wanted me to be happy. Just know that I will be happy now.
Love, your daughter,
Hanna
After folding that letter, she grabbed another piece of paper and clicked open the pen again.
Dear Caleb,
You know that you are my soul mate. The love of my life. You mean the world to me, and without you I am nothing. But, since I know you so well, I need you to know that this isn't your fault. You treated me like a princess. But I'm not doing this because you did anything wrong. Just remember that, my prince. But I also wanted to thank you. Thank you for showing me love. Thanking you for protecting me, and caring for me; for treating me like I might break at any second, but also knowing I was strong. Thank you for being my rock, and my soul mate. Thank you for showing me the meaning of forever. I love you always. Hopefully in another life, or maybe when we meet me again, we could get married, baby. Then you can hear the rest of my vows I've already ask than what I already put in here ;). Goodbye.
Love from the bottom of my heart,
Hanna
Now to the last one, she thought, tears already slipping. She couldn't imagine it getting any harder than this, though. But she still folded the paper, and wrote Caleb's name on it before setting it aside and grabbing a new fresh piece. A new fresh piece. New and fresh. That's what she wanted her life to be. But she shook her head and started the next one.
Dear Spencer, Aria and Emily,
God you guys, what a run, huh? We've been through a lot. I'm glad I always had you three. I don't know what I would do without you guys. You've always been her; for me. Always helped me and watched out for me, and allowed me to watch out for you guys. We've been through hell and back, yet you three managed to stay sane (except for you for a while, Spence,) and smart. Me, on the other hand, well let's just say I'm a little off. But you guys are my family. I love you guys so, SO much, and just wanted you to know you did help. You made sure I was okay when I wasn't. You made sure I was safe when I was afraid. But mostly, you guys all made sure we were glued together; the four of us. Somehow, when I was falling apart- when any of us were- we all got stronger in bond. And even though there may be three of you guys left, there really isn't. There is still four. Yet at the same time, there was never four. We are all ourselves. I guess sometimes being independent people can make you even closer to others. We're all independent. But we are always four and always zero. Kinda confusing… But I love you guys. You're my best friends, and my sisters. Don't cry, either. Who would be able to wipe away your tears if you do? You always wiped away mine, but you can't wipe away your own. It's too hard, believe me. So on the good days, whether it be about me, or anything else, don't cry. None of you deserve it. On the bad days… well, don't have any bad days. If you do, don't shut each other out. Dear God, don't freaking shut each other out, okay!? Just take a deep breathe. Manage to stand even if you're dizzy. If there are tears, don't wipe them away yourself; like I said, it's too hard. Then just close your eyes, and take another deep breathe. Don't fake smile. Don't fake a laugh. Only be genuine. But just stay together. Wipe away each other's tears, okay?
Love, with all my advice, your sister and best friend,
Hanna
(P.S. I won't go all stalker style on you at my funeral by sending a creepy message with an –H at the end ;) )
Even with the paper slightly damp from tears, she folded it up and wrote out their names. She placed all three letters neatly on her bed, which she made nicely. She walked to her closet and picked out a simple, yet beautiful white dress she and the girls picked out when shopping. Caleb wanted to get it for her for a while, but she beat him to it. Her mother was eyeing it for her, too. She closed the bathroom door behind her, and turned on the tub. The water was slightly warm. She let the tub fill to the top. She slipped into the water, dress still on and a smile on her face. She closed her eyes, took a deep breathe, still grinning.
"No more tears," she said to herself in a hushed tone.
And she slipped under.