(Hello, I am Fatalities. It comes to my attention that, after co-authoring one, I love writing Sue Parodies. I also comes to my attention, that people never stop making Sues, no matter how many people want to assassinate these Suethors.
I have a plan.
It is a plan so wonderfully devious that, even though it probably won't stop the ever-growing army of Sues, may make some of these well meaning Suethors fix their mistakes.
So I shall put this plan into action.
Welcome to…
Sue Me.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own.
Here we will be observing the making a Mary Sue. If you are faint of heart, turn away.)
A tween girl sits at a desk and looks at the computer. It appears this girl is watching Teen Titans episodes on the internet. A scene with her favorite character, Robin, comes on. The girl sighs dreamily as he kicks some villain's ass.
"I wish you were real…" The girl says. Then… the girl remembers something. "Maybe… Maybe you don't have to be real! I have a fanfiction account!" The girl closes down that window and pulls up a word document. She begins to type.
Title: The Mysterious New Titan
Summary: A totally beautiful girl with dark secrets saves and joins the Teen Titans, but why does Slade want her? Why is Robin acting strange? Why does Starfire hate this new girl so much? Well duh, Starfire is a bitch LOL! R&R please! NO FLAMES!1!11!
And the tragedy begins…
So the Titans were getting beat up by Slade, when all of a sudden, a beautiful girl appeared. She had beautiful raven hair with pink, purple, and blue streaks that had been there ever since she was born, a gorgeous figure with curves in all the right places, full ruby red lips, bright blue-green aquamarine eyes that shimmered in the sunlight, she wore a sequined pink tube top with a heart on it and a pink and white mini-skirt with pink combat boots (cause she's like, totally punk), and had pale, flawless skin, and beautiful white angel wings. She raised her perfectly manicured hand and shot out fiery pink glitter at the villain, who then disappeared. She turned back to the Titans, who were on the floor from the power of her sparkle blast.
"Who are you and why are you so beautiful?" Robin gasped, amazed by her heavenly beauty. She smiled, and Starfire, Raven, and any other girl in the area felt extreme jealousy at the beauty of it.
"I am Sparkle Sakura Shadow Pink Heart, and I was born this way." She helped Robin up and completely ignored the others. Beast Boy and Cyborg got up ran over to her.
"You're gorgeous! In fact, Terra and Raven are nothing compared to you!" Beast Boy said.
"I have never seen someone with such great beauty as you, Sparkle Sakura Shadow Pink Heart, please, run away with me?" Cyborg said. Sparkle Sakura Shadow Pink Heart turned to them.
"Oh thank you Beast Boy! I know, I'm just amazing aren't I?" She looked at Cyborg. "Nobody cares about you. Shoo."
In other words,(1) Slade was being forced back by the Titans when some weird girl drops out of the sky and blasts him with glitter. This is the millionth time this has happened to the poor evil mastermind, and he screams and runs away, knowing that this creature will claim that he wants her as his apprentice and eventually try and kill him. The creature appears like she is supposed to be amazingly beautiful, but really just looks kind of creepy. A meaningless civilian girl, in real combat boots, watching the fight feels slightly insulted at this thing's pink "combat boots". The thing walks over to the Titans.
"Who the hell are you?" Robin asks.
"I am Sparkle Sakura Shadow Pink Heart, and I was born this way." She says.
"Born what way? Raven, you know what this chick's talking about?" Beastboy says. Raven shakes her head. She cannot sense any of the thing's emotions. It feels like this new thing isn't really there.
"Yeah, and how did you get here… Sparkle Sakura Shadow Pink Heart? Who the heck names their child that?" Cyborg demands. The thing turns to them.
"Oh thank you Beast Boy! I know, I'm just amazing, aren't I?" She turns to Cyborg. "Nobody cares about you. Shoo."
"You're so right, Sparkle! I'll go die in a hole now." Cyborg said. He walks off. Sparkle Sakura Shadow Pink Heart smiles once more.
"Thank you!" She yells, her magical voice like a melody to everyone's ears. She turned back to Robin and sees Starfire yelling at him. "Stop you bitch! He doesn't need some worthless troq like you! He loves me now! Don't you Robin?"
"Of course, Sparkle, here, I'll fix this." Robin killed Starfire. "I don't know why I ever liked her in the first place." Sparkle ran over to Robin and kissed him.
"Oh thank you Robin! I think she was working with Slade!" She said.
"It all makes sense now!" Robin said.
"What the hell? I'm out of here." Cyborg walks away. The thing smiles creepily.
"Thank you!" She yells, her voice shrill and screechy, making everyone cover their ears. She turns back to Robin and sees him holding Starfire to comfort the poor girl. It appears the thing reminds Starfire of an alien race from the planet of Suetopia, in the Draconus Nebula. (2) "Stop you bitch! He doesn't need some worthless troq like you! He loves me now! Don't you Robin?"
"Hell no." Robin says. "Starfire, how about you go find Cyborg while we take care of this?" Starfire is hesitant to leave her friends with this monster, but listens and flies off. The thing runs over to Robin and tries to kiss him.
"Oh thank you Robin! I think she was working with Slade!" she says.
"Where the heck did you get that idea?" Robin said, holding her away from him.
"Yes! Now let's go back to the tower and search for him!" Sparkle said. Robin smiled.
"Of course!" He said. He, Raven, Sparkle, and Beast Boy went back to the tower. When they got there, they saw that worthless troq on video chat with Slade on the giant computer. It seemed that she was telling him how to get through the tower's security!
"I thought he killed you! I suppose I will have to deal with you!" Sparkle flew at Starfire and beat her up before throwing her out the window. Robin ran over to Sparkle.
"Oh thank you, my beautiful soul mate! I thought I would never be rid of her!" Robin said. He kissed Sparkle, and they made out for twenty minutes and completely ignored everyone else there. Raven and Beast Boy continued to marvle at how Sparkle beat up the alien bitch.
"Yes! Now let's go back to the tower and search for him!" Sparkle said. Robin glared.
"I'm not letting you into the tower!" Sparkle used her powers to forcibly drag the remaining Titans back to Titans Tower. When she dragged them to the main room, they saw Starfire video chatting with Bumble Bee and the rest of the Titans East, trying to alert them to the creature that was attacking.
"I thought he killed you! I suppose I will have to deal with you!" Sparkle flew at Starfire and the alien Titans repeatedly shot starbolts at the monster before breaking the window and flying out to get help. The creature was too strong for her alone.
"I shall bring help, friends!" Starfire yelled as she zoomed away.
"What the heck do you think you're doing!" Robin asked. He, Raven, and Beast Boy launched themselves at the invading creature and tried to stop her before she did anymore damage, but she was too… unnatural and powerful for them to defeat. The creature kept attempting to kiss Robin for twenty minutes.
"I love you, Robin!" Sparkle said.
"I love you too, Sparkle! You should totally, like, lead the Titans from now on." Robin said.
"Oh of course, Robin! But first I want to try the obstacle course to prove how totally amazing I am!" The beautiful girl exclaimed. She flew out of the tower and towards the course Cyborg had set up.
"I love you, Robin!" The thing said.
"I don't even know you! First you insult Cyborg and Starfire, second you accuse Starfire of working with Slade, and then you attack her! Do you have mental problems?" Robin yelled.
"Oh of course, Robin! But first I wanted to try the obstacle course to prove how totally amazing I am!" The monster screamed. She flew out of the tower and towards the course that Cyborg had set up.
"What…"
"The…"
"Fuck."
(That was so fun to write XD
(1) This is the Sue Story, This is what really happened.
(2) The Draconus Nebula is the place Blackfire mentioned in "Sisters", and is a nebula filled with numerous black holes. I like to think of these black holes as the plot holes that are created by the planet Suetopia… I'm such a nerd…
Oh well, hope you liked it! But it isn't over yet… MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fatalities has left the building.)