Title: Oh Captain, My Captain
Rating: T
Characters: Sebastian Smythe, Nick Warbler, Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Jeff, Thad, Dom
Summary: Sebastian isn't coping with the idea that he's losing control and a summer with nothing to do is a terrifying prospect. But the Warblers still have a strong bond and they're not about to give up on their old captain. Part of my Second Chance verse.
Warnings: Mentions of past self-harm and past suicide attempt.
Disclaimer: I'm not lucky enough to own any of these characters or the movie they watch.
A/N: In this verse, because it was started before season 4, basically ignores anything from what we've seen of season 4 so far. Meaning that Klaine are still together and Hunter Clarington doesn't exist.
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OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN
Sebastian and Nick were sitting in the college counsellor's office, Nick's hand caught between Sebastian's as the taller boy tried to relax. Summer was almost upon them and this would be their last chance to get any information before they headed back to Westerville. Sebastian hadn't had another – what they had called – "episode" since he got the results of his last final but he had been so uptight and focused on not relapsing again that Nick had thought it would be a good idea to talk to someone about what to do over the summer.
Damon had spoken with Sebastian a lot, knew his background relatively well and had been alarmed to find the two young men in his waiting room looking overtly fearful. He'd been flicking through Sebastian's notes, trying to figure out where to start in conjunction with the new information Nick had provided.
"Damon, please say something," Sebastian murmured. He felt small, as if the only thing that would make him feel normal again was being told that he wasn't ever going to feel the way he did ever again. He of course also knew that no one could ever say that because there was no way to guarantee it – he knew that he would have ups and downs for the rest of his life and that the urging itch would never go away.
"I'm not really sure what to say, Sebastian. I've not really talked to someone about dissociation before, Anna's a lot more clear about it than I am but she's just had a baby so she's not really in the loop at the moment." Damon set down the notes on the table between the couches in his office before he looked to Sebastian and Nick.
"Damon, we really just need a point in the right direction," Nick murmured. "We're scared and worried and we don't want this to happen again. Do we talk to Seb's doctor when we get back to Westerville to alter his meds? Do we just get back in touch with his psychologist in Ohio?"
"I think talking to your old psychologist would be a good idea. I know a lot about you Sebastian but they have known you longer and might have a better idea of how your mind works, more information that would be relevant to you. I'd talk to them before considering changing your meds though."
Sebastian nodded numbly but didn't say anything and they fell into a palpable silence. Damon had never seen either of the boys like this before. Nick was just worried that maybe they'd gotten to a point where it couldn't be fixed with bandages, a hug and a little time.
"I'm so freakin' scared, Damon… I've never been scared. I wasn't scared when this started, when Jesse died, when they sent me away… But this scares me – how can I lose control like I did? I don't understand. I'm scared. I – I want this to stop." Sebastian bowed his head as his throat tightened and the sobs tried to break through. Nick was squeezing his hand and rubbing his back but it didn't sooth him.
"You have every right to be scared, Sebastian. But you're a brave kid and you'll get through this, as you have with everything else."
Sebastian shook his head and pulled himself to his feet. "But how do I cope when my coping method is taking away my control instead of giving it to me?" he asked simply, his voice cracking, before he stormed out.
Damon moved to run after him but Nick grabbed his hand.
"No, leave him. He needs time to think… He hasn't had time to think."
"What if he tries to hurt himself?"
"He's upset and scared, he's not in the right headspace to hurt himself," Nick murmured, eyes still on the door. He hoped to hell that he was right because he knew he would never forgive himself if he was wrong.
.
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Sebastian flexed his fingers as his phone rung, the waiting making him more anxious. He looked out at the empty auditorium as he paced back and forth. It'd take Nick a long time to find him here – he hadn't hid in an auditorium for a long time, not since after the previous year's Sectionals. That breakdown had been particularly unpleasant.
"Sebastian? What's up? Haven't heard from you in a while…"
"Blaine, um, can I, can I ask you something?" Sebastian managed, clenching his eyes and trying to talk around the lump in his throat.
"Sure, of course you can. Is everything okay?"
"Um, no, no it really isn't," he answered as he carefully sat down on the stage.
"Are you okay? Do I need to call Nick?" The panic was evident in his voice.
"No, no, if Nick was worried he'd come and find me. Um… Can you just – I mean, did you ever-"
"Seb, take a deep breath. Calm down a little and then explain what happened."
Sebastian did as he was told, thankful for Blaine's innate ability to help him. "Okay… A few days ago I got my last final result…"
Sebastian explained the last few days to Blaine, his friend simply listening as Sebastian revealed how anxious and terrified he was. After he was finished, Blaine hummed softly into the phone as he thought.
"So you dissociated…"
"Please say you have advice on what the hell I should do about this."
"Were you really freaked out by the result? Like, I know it was 97% but did that scare you or make you happy or what?"
"Well, I was kinda shocked at first, I haven't done that well in so long."
"But?"
"The stupid voice in the back of my head just started telling me the email was wrong. That it hadn't actually happened. I tried to distract myself, to ignore it, but nothing worked and Nick was out."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I didn't know how stressed out you'd be with your own finals," Sebastian admitted sheepishly.
"I always have time to talk to you, Seb, so does Nick and Jeff and Thad. You can always call any of us and we'll be there to talk to you."
"I know… I guess I just had a lapse in judgement," he stared down at his feet and sighed. "I seem to have a lot of lapses in judgement."
"That's your problem, Seb. You're too quick to judge yourself and blame yourself."
"It's not like I can just switch it off, Blaine."
"But you haven't exactly tried to lessen its intensity have you?"
"I don't understand."
"You've gotta work at this, Sebastian. I know that you know that much. From what you've said to me about this dissociating, it was because you freaked out. It sounds to me like you need to try and keep yourself from freaking out."
"Well over the summer that's gonna be fine but what about when I come back next year? The work load will increase and it'll be new classes and content and-"
"Breathe." Blaine paused before he continued, not worrying if Sebastian actually took a breath. "You need to try and keep yourself from jumping to the worst case scenario. Next year is going to be harder but that's okay because it just means that we'll need to talk more often. And don't be afraid to talk to Nick or the counsellors up there. They're there to help, Seb."
"I know… I was actually talking to one of them today but he just wasn't helping."
Blaine hummed again. "Okay, you guys are coming back to Westerville for the summer yeah?"
"For a week or two, yeah. Why?"
"My parents are out of town – surprise surprise – so how about we get the Warblers over and we'll hang out. I'm thinking movie night with pizza and chocolate and other assorted junk food."
Sebastian laughed softly, running a hand through his hair. "That sounds great, Blaine."
"Okay, next weekend, Friday night. I will see you at my place seven o'clock sharp."
"Yes sir," Sebastian answered, chuckling.
"Alright, take care of yourself Sebastian."
"You too, Blaine. And thanks."
"Anytime."
Sebastian hung up before he looked out at the empty auditorium as he got to his feet.
He could do this. He could be calm.
He had to be.
.
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Westerville was familiar and oddly comforting. Sebastian's parents were there but they didn't hover. They kept saying how glad they were that Sebastian had come home for the summer, even if it was only for a few weeks. By the time Friday rolled around and Nick appeared on the doorstep, Sebastian was glad to be out of the house.
"Are you okay?" Nick asked as they drove towards Blaine's house.
"Too many memories in that house," Sebastian murmured.
"Well, you're out now so breathe and relax," Nick replied with a quick smile and gentle squeeze of his boyfriend's knee.
They were the last two to arrive at Blaine's, the roar of laughter audible from the street as they pulled up. The door was flung open as they walked over the lawn and Jeff and Thad were upon them, both full of their trademark boundless energy.
"You're finally here! How's Chicago?! Yale is so desperately boring!" Thad exclaimed as he jumped around them.
"I almost got kicked out of my dorm for singing too much! Singing too much? I mean really, I'm there on a music scholarship! What do they expect?" Jeff laughed as he grabbed Nick's hand and dragged him inside ahead of Sebastian.
In the living room; Dom, Kurt and Blaine were sitting on the couches and floor half-heartedly watching a movie. Blaine smiled and got to his feet when he saw Sebastian, crossing to hug him.
"It's good to see you, Seb," he murmured before he embraced Nick, ruffling his hair. "You can chuck your stuff anywhere, the pizza just got here but I haven't let them attack it yet. Drinks are in the fridge in the kitchen, it's all up for grabs. We've just been watching Dead Poets Society."
Sebastian nodded numbly before he sunk into the couch beside Kurt, smiling slightly at the boy who was still not quite his friend but wasn't an enemy either.
"How are you doing, Sebastian?" Kurt asked with a smile.
"I'm surviving," he answered before glancing around the room, the others all loud and far too boisterous. "This was more than I'd anticipated though."
"They'll calm down," Kurt said reassuringly. "But congratulations on surviving your first year of college."
Sebastian laughed. "Yeah, it was a bit of a miracle I guess."
"You did good," Nick cut in, falling into the spot on Sebastian's other side. "I didn't give you my liver for nothing."
"Wait, you what?" Dom asked, his head snapping away from the television.
"I um, I gave Sebastian part of my liver," Nick answered, reaching down to grasp his boyfriend's hand.
"Why?" Jeff asked, as if all of his energy had suddenly drained from him.
"I tried to kill myself again," Sebastian continued, looking down and shaking his head. "I almost did… Nick found me, got me to the hospital… I'm still a little shaky on the details."
All gazes turned to Nick then who took a deep breath and straightened slightly. "He was … he was dying, I was a mess, I couldn't leave him and I couldn't let him leave me. I was a match; I was healthier than his mother. It just seemed like the right thing to do."
The others sat in stunned silence before Kurt carefully wrapped an arm around Sebastian's shoulders.
"Thank God you're still here," he whispered. Sebastian and Nick soon found themselves the centre of a group hug as the other former Warblers surrounded them.
When they pulled away again, the boys' eyes were all drawn to the television as Todd Anderson stood on his desk to salute Mr Keating.
"I always loved this part of the movie," Blaine murmured. "When I was younger used to wish that Todd Anderson was my dad and that he'd send me to Welton so I could get away from the bullies."
"Nah, your dad was Brett Anderson and he sent you to Dalton, much better decision," Jeff laughed.
"I always thought Dalton was Welton after Charlie came back as a teacher and took it over and made it awesome," Thad joked.
"I just wish we'd had a teacher like Mr Keating," Nick murmured.
"The Warblers didn't need a teacher," Sebastian countered. "We needed a captain."
"Oh Captain, my Captain?" Blaine said with a smile as he turned around to fist bump with Sebastian.
"Oh Captain, my Captain," Sebastian replied, returning the smile.
Sebastian had been a leader before and he could be a leader again. He could lead himself to getting better. He could do this.
He could be his own Captain.
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A/N: So this was a little strange, I didn't really have a clear idea of where it was going but I like it :) I'll probably write about the Sectionals breakdown after Glee this week, once we know whether the Warblers or ND win (I'm honestly hoping for a Warblers win, not sure why). I hope you enjoyed this and thank you for reading –Frankie xoxo