A/N I don't really know what I was thinking when I wrote this…
Attack of the Mary Sues
It was a great day. The sun was shining; the birds were singing….It was also my birthday. Mom and dad were up in the front seat talking and laughing. Suddenly, the sound of gun shots filled the air.
"Bahahaha! Eat lead, suckers!"
"Yeah, that's what you get for messing with the mafia, ain't that right, Roy?"
Two fat mafia thugs with big cigars hanging out of their big, fat, ugly mouths were yelling at us from behind. They were hanging out of the window of a huge, white, dirty van with guns in hand. I screamed as glass from the window rained down on me.
"Mommy, daddy, what's going on?" I yelled.
"We're sorry we never told you, sweetie, but your dad and I used to be in the – " My mom was cut off, a silent scream coming out of her mouth. I watched as our car exploded in slow motion, taking my beloved parents with it. I somehow survived the wreckage, and got up.
"NOOOOOOO!" I screamed, tears running down my face. I barely noticed the two mafia thugs approaching me.
"Hey Roy, look, it's a little girl. Whatsa matter, kiddy?" I shrunk away in fear. Imma make these mean people pay for what they did to my family! I walked up to him, and swiftly kicked him in the place the sun don't shine. The big fat man howled in pain. He was about to punch me when he saw my eyes. They glowed red at him.
"Gyaaahhh! Let's get outta here!" Roy and the other thug quickly left. I just shrugged it off. I knew my capoeira skills would pay off!
Suddenly, the world began spinning. Oh no, I'm fainting!
~...~
Where am I? The instant I opened my eyes the room began spinning. I let out a yelp.
"Whoa there, settle down."
I quickly turned. To the right of me was a kind looking old man, sort of like Dumbledore or Gandalf minus the long beard. He smiled before talking.
"Hello there, my name is Watari. I'm sorry to inform you about this but your parents are dead. But never fear my dear child; we will be taking you to a place called Wammy's! Up, up and away!" Watari had already packed for me, and was now heading out the door with myself in tow, even though I was obviously in shock from my parent's recent deaths.
When I was outside, a small tear trailed its way down my cheek. Watari, taking notice of this, stooped to give me a gentle hug before shoving me inside the car and taking off. Even though we were in America, we somehow managed to arrive at a hidden orphanage in England by evening.
I looked up at the huge building through wide, red, purple, and pink eyes. I ran a hand through my long green hair before bracing myself. I opened the car door, didn't help Watari, an old man with possible rheumatism, and ran towards the doors of the orphanage.
I immediately ran into Roger's office. Watari (that badass old man we all know and love) was already there, waiting for me. I sat there, patiently tapping my feet against the chair.
After having an abnormally boring conversation with Roger, Watari picked up my bags again, and guided me towards my dorm. Turns out, I was sharing the room with two boys. Before Watari could explain why he couldn't have just put me in a room with girls, like every other normal person, he was gone. He had quickly mumbled something about Mello and Matt getting me settled in before dropping my things and hightailing it out of there.
I looked down. Sprawled out on the couch were two boys, about my age. One was sitting on the couch in a funny position, all dressed in black, and nomming on chocolate. The other one was wearing stripes, a fuzzy vest, and busily playing away on his video game. Assuming they were the Mello and Matt Watari had been talking about, I went up to them to say hi. They were both doing absolutely nothing, even though it was a school day.
"Hi! My name's Mary Sue, but in this story, you can call me Emerald!" I gave them a bright smile, so bright, it could kill the sun. Mello and Matt slowly turned to face me, they're eyes huge and their mouths wide open in horror. Mello gripped Matt's shirt, tearing him away from his beloved video game.
"Matty, do you know what a Mary Sue is doing here? A fucking Mary Sue, Matt, tell me!" Mello was now babbling incoherent phrases, and at the mention of a Mary Sue, Matt joined him with his wailing. They were screaming something about 'doom' and 'wanting to kill themselves' when they noticed. Mary Sues. Everywhere. Emerald had multiplied, and her clones were now jumping around the room, performing impossible feats such as stealing Mello's chocolate, breaking Matt's video games, getting Near to act like a human…
All of sudden, L broke into the room through the window. "Hey, everybody!" He stumbled drunkenly around the room. "I don't know why, but I feel compelled to tell the world my real name! I guess you just have to give this lonely, angst ridden, young detective a little love, and he'll start spilling his deepest, darkest secrets! My realll nammmeeee is L Lawliet! It's spelled L L-A-W-L-I-E-T…" L let out an insane giggle, and then began running around the room trying to kiss everyone.
Matt started crying. "Nooooo! They've got L, too! Come back, L, we don't want no Mary Sue!" The room started spinning, and the last thing all of the Death Note characters saw was Emerald Mary Sue…
~...~
A young, aspiring writer moved up in line, hoping to increase her writing skills by venturing into the world of fanfiction. Once she was in that world, she had found a door, with a woman out front. The door read: Death Note Fandom.
"Uh, hi. May I ask who owns this place?" The young writer asked hesitantly.
The woman out front smiled a cheesy smile, and said, "Why certainly. I own this place now. My name is Mary Sue but you can call me Emerald…"
With a gasp of horror, the young writer stumbled backwards, the words 'Mary Sue' a curse to the world of fanfiction. "No, please!" She begged, her words falling on deaf ears as Mary Sue reached out a pale limb, and grabbed ahold of the young writer…
A/N Dun dun dun. Cue creepy Twilight Zone music! Yeah, I've never really written a crack fic before, but it was sort of fun! If you don't get it (sorry, this story really sucks, I know) it's basically like this: Mary Sue has terrible, tragic, Mary Sue-ish backstory. Mary Sue ends up at Wammy's. Mary Sue has a Mary Sue name, and does everything a Mary Sue should do. Mary Sue duplicates, and then starts to take over the world. And at the end, Mary Sue has taken over the entire Death Note Fandom in the world of Fanfiction. She reaches out to any writer, new or old, and forces herself into their stories, so that they'll write terrible Mary Sue stories! Mwahahahaha! O.o Well anyway, I hope this was entertaining enough for you all, and remember kids, once a Mary Sue, always a Mary Sue…let's work on banning them forever. And yes, I guess I'm being a bit of a hypocrite. I'm sure we've all written our fair share of Mary Sues, myself included. But together, we can defeat the attack of the Mary Sues! :D