Hey everyone! This is just a short one-shot, my own little fic on why Carson refuses self-defense training, plus a small way that he could channel the stress and pain of his work on Atlantis without becoming a total emotional wreck...
"Doc, I really think you should at least take one sparring lesson with Teyla. You should know how to defend yourself…you know, if Ronon's not there…," Colonel Sheppard's voice is tinged with concern for the safety of his friend.
"Really Colonel, I'll be fine without," Dr. Beckett murmurs, twitching nervously and pulling at his jacket, eyes darting around the room.
"He's right. I can't always be watching your ass too, Doc," Ronon nods sagely, his own voice betraying how much he cares for the Scot.
"I thank ye for keepin' an eye out for me, Lad, but I'll be fine," Dr. Beckett smiles gently at Ronon, trying not to seem ungrateful.
"Yeah, hey, maybe you'll be able to defend me from the Wraith," Rodney's self-centered, back-handed encouragement earns a snicker from the rest of the room.
"Shut up, Rodney," This time Sheppard reacts first, stopping Rodney from any further ranting, "Carson saves your ass often enough as it is."
"Carson, it would make me feel better sending you off-world if I knew you could defend yourself in an emergency," Elizabeth's genuine concern and caring was obvious.
"I know it would, Elizabeth. Not that I'm particularly fond of going through that bloody Stargate anyhow," Carson gives Elizabeth his cheekiest smile.
"Doctor Beckett, I agree with the others. You must learn self-defense. I will go easy on you," Teyla voices her own concern, her intense brown eyes finding his equally intense blue eyes.
"Thank ye, Teyla, but no thank ye. There'll be no need for ye to teach me," Dr. Beckett gives Teyla a genuine smile, but she can see right through him. She sees something in his eyes; there is something he is not saying. Teyla nods, keeping what she has seen in Carson's eyes to herself.
Carson excuses himself, slipping out of Elizabeth's office in a hurry. He makes his way to the infirmary to begin his daily work, slightly preoccupied by the concern the others had all voiced for his safety. It's touching Carson's heart that they care so much for him that they'd even bother to suggest this, but slightly disconcerting that they all mention it at the same time…
The following Morning...
After waking in the night, the stress knots in his shoulders hard and painful, Carson can't make himself sleep any longer. He stays in bed but without rest. Memories run through his head, making his already tight muscles tense further.
Carson rolls out of bed at 0500, pulling on sweats and a t-shirt instead of his work uniform, and makes his way across the city to the gym. He picks up his favorite set of Bantos rods and starts his daily work out session.
The comforting swish of the rods echoes as he moves swiftly through the routine. Carson doesn't stop moving, his focus becoming more intense as time passes. He can feel the stress knots in his shoulders melting away, the memories fading into the past. Energy, adrenaline, flows through his veins, giving him more power as he moves.
He stays a bit longer today than usual, working on the routine he's watched Sheppard and Teyla practice so frequently. They've never noticed him looking around the edge of the doorway, watching their sparring matches on his afternoon break. He's never stayed in the gym long enough in the morning for anyone to see him working. This morning, however, he is distracted and he loses track of time. He doesn't realize how late it's gotten and therefore he doesn't notice the audience he's gained.
As he works his way across the room, he turns. Leaned against the wall is Ronon, a look of approval on his face. Standing in the doorway is Teyla, a knowing, appreciative look on her face. Behind Teyla stands Rodney, his jaw dropped in awe, and Sheppard, staring in confusion. In front of all of them stands Elizabeth, one eyebrow raised in both awe and confusion. Carson notices, but does not stop his routine. He can't stop now, not in the middle of a routine.
Without a word, Teyla steps all the way into the room and picks up her own Bantos rods. She begins the other side of the routine, meeting with Carson in the center and turning his one-man routine into a sparring match. Carson keeps going, not wanting to break the smooth movements, knowing that if he continues, Teyla will not be able to harm him and if she stays even with him, he will not harm her.
Ronon slides down to sit on the pile of sparring mats on the floor, Rodney takes up a position on the floor, mug of coffee firmly clutched in one hand, Sheppard leans against the door jamb, praying nobody will close the door, and Elizabeth stands next to Sheppard. They are all watching, in total wonderment. How long has he been practicing? Why does he do it? How does Teyla know that she can just step into his routine without throwing him off?
Teyla's rods bounce off of Carson's and he switches his movements. Moments later, Carson is reaching the end of the routine. He knocks the rods from Teyla's hands and brings her to her knees, albeit far more gently than if he was fighting a Wraith. He finally stops moving, tossing the Bantos rods aside with one hand and reaching one weathered hand down to lift Teyla to her feet. They face one another, each bowing in the standard Athosian greeting of respect, foreheads touching, and then they part.
Carson is fully aware that Teyla was going easy on him. She is only testing his skills, not truly sparring, or she would win for sure. Carson flashes Teyla a knowing look, and Teyla understands immediately what she had seen in his eyes the previous day. Carson's secret is that he has been practicing with the Bantos all along, this is why he refuses the training she offers.
Teyla turns to her friends, her eyes shining with pride. She is proud of Carson, that he has taken it upon himself to learn to fight with the Bantos rods. Carson wipes the sweat from his brow with a terrycloth towel that Elizabeth offers him from a nearby shelf. She looks into his face; the confusion is evident to him.
"Carson, why haven't you told us that you do this?" Elizabeth questions him, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder, as if to prove to herself that this isn't just a hallucination.
"It's a way to relieve the stress," Carson pants, reaching for a water bottle that Sheppard is now holding out to him, and gulping the cold liquid down.
"Stress?" Rodney huffs a bit, his usual self-preservation instincts telling him to come up with some smart-ass remark about Carson using Bantos rods.
"Aye Rodney, stress," Carson's eyes flash with emotion momentarily, "I use it to relieve the sorrow and anger I feel after a patient in my care passes or after something of a failure. It began just after the incident on Hoff. After Perna…"
Rodney's eyes widen in understanding and he clamps his mouth shut. Teyla, still standing beside Carson, lays a protective, sympathetic hand on his shoulder. Carson smiles, grateful for Teyla's understanding. He then glances around at the circle of faces. Sheppard's eyes glisten as he realizes that Carson isn't really as different from himself as he thought.
"Doc…Carson…I completely understand. Sometimes I come back from a mission and the only way I don't lose my mind is to come down here and beat the crap outta something," Sheppard voices his own sort of sideways understanding, a half-smile settling on his face. Carson turns his grateful look to Sheppard.
"Yeah Doc. I go to the shooting range and blow the crap outta the targets with my gun," Ronon twirls the large weapon's trigger over his finger, shooting a knowing look at the Bantos rods on the floor nearby. Carson glances at Ronon, his eyes still showing gratitude.
"I, too, understand the need to relieve the pain of failure," Teyla smiles, eyeing her own set of Bantos rods on the floor next to Carson's.
"Um, even I need to relieve stress. Except I don't fight, I do math equations and programming," Rodney tries to be helpful, but stops talking at the death glare that Sheppard and Ronon both shoot him.
"Even the commander of Atlantis needs to release stress somehow," Elizabeth offers, trying to work with the others, "There's no shame in doing something different if it helps you."
"Aye, I know. It was never meant to get this far, but I've found that I like havin' this time to ma' self in the mornin' wi'out anyone else around," Carson sucks in a breath, looking around the circle of friendly, understanding faces. He hopes they won't make him start practicing with them, because he prefers to work alone on this. He likes the peace and quiet, with only the swish and thwack of the Bantos echoing off the walls.
"Carson…you know if you'd just told us about this, we would have stopped pestering you to learn self-defense," Elizabeth reasons, keeping eye contact with the glistening, sweat-coated doctor.
"Aye, I know," Carson smiles, but it's a more meaningful smile. He feels as though his friends do understand him. No, they are more than his friends. They are his family.
Carson checks his watch, and on seeing that it is now 0800, he excuses himself to grab a shower and fresh clothes for the day. The others stand back and watch their beloved doctor make his way to his quarters, each wondering how they'd gone nearly two and a half years not knowing that he comes to the gym every morning and spent near on two hours practicing with the Bantos rods.
Later on that day…
Carson is dressed in his usual blue-gray t-shirt and khaki uniform pants, a white lab coat, and a stethoscope draped over his neck. He is now in the infirmary, pulling things off shelves and rushing off towards Stargate Operations. The sirens are blaring across the city, signaling an unscheduled gate activation, and his radio headset is snapping to life as someone barks the request for Carson to make his appearance in the 'Gate Room as fast as possible.
Life is crazy as usual on Atlantis, but Carson isn't stressed out by it. He's mentally tracing the Bantos routine in his head, going through each motion swiftly and smoothly in his mind. He snaps back to reality as he enters the 'Gate Room just in time to see Sheppard's team members all come tumbling through the 'gate.
As Carson tends to the various bruises, bumps, cuts and scrapes the team has to show for their latest mission, he shares a knowing look with each of them.
He knows that if he walks the city on his breaks, he will find Teyla and Sheppard sparring in the gym, Ronon blowing the targets to bloody hell in the shooting range and Rodney in his lab working on some complicated math problem or program. They all know that should they wander the city in the wee hours of morning, they will find Carson in the gym, moving to his own rhythm, working at his Bantos routine.
Carson still has not truly told them why he won't spar with them. His secret is still safe. Why doesn't Carson spar with his friends? He's a healer, not a fighter. The first part of the oath he took in Med School reads 'Do No Harm' and Carson doesn't think sparring would fall under not doing harm, not considering the bruises and cuts Colonel Sheppard always comes in with after a sparring match with Ronon or Teyla.