The tears threatened to fall.
My eyes took in the color of darkness, of confusion, of moroseness and anger, of death. My ears received the cries, the bittersweet sorrow, the prayers for strength and resiliency, the seemingly endless faith I could no longer feel. My heart underwent the cruelest and most grueling and despairing awakening it had ever, would ever experience in our short time together. I found I could only look around with a sour, nearly uninterested expression at the criers whose eyes I would occasionally and unwittingly catch. I felt as though I could almost read their thoughts. 'What's his problem?' 'Doesn't he realize what a precious life we lost? What a kind, loving, compassionate person we no longer have?'
I missed him. I missed the way he brought the sunshine in with him whenever he went, because I was growing tired of my own relentless rain. I missed the way his eyes crinkled at my expense, because I was laughing too on the inside. I missed the way he was able to break through my walls and ill humor, because I wanted to forget the pain and hardships I'd grown used to; I wanted know what it was like to smile as easily as he could.
The truth was, they were the ones who had no clue who it was that was gone forever- I knew all too well. We had lost someone who took an interest in even those who had too many issues to count, regardless of the trials he himself was experiencing at the moment. Someone who loved me, not in spite of my faults and failings, but because he never noticed them in the first place. Someone who would be missed by the most selfish person he'd known if only because I didn't have the strength and ability to survive on my own. Someone I'd never admit to loving as well.
And the tears threatened to fall.
The program droned on in the background of my agonizing thoughts filled only of him, the monotonously sorrowful event being scratched and burned into my memory permanently, to forever torture me with nightmares of the past, and the now all-too-distant future of "That Which Could Have Been." The ones giving the eulogies, the resolutions, the last remembrances, all tried to lighten the mood with small, idiotic jokes about his past and little reminders of his ability to make even the ones who were having terrible days smile in the thought that everything would be alright. But no one could lift my spirits like he would have been able to.
But he had left me to be with someone else two years ago, and moved a few miles away from me and our past friendship. Of course, it wasn't far enough away to change much, and there was the legal problem of my stupid, fucking unfortunate age gap, so I instantly forgave him when his smile walked back through my doors. But how can I possibly forgive him this time? How can I tell him how much it already hurt when I'd discovered I couldn't see him twice a week like I'd grown accustomed to? How can I live without his teasing smile and words which had never failed to get under my skin? I knew I would never be able to- why hadn't he?
So the tears threatened to fall.
If this was the God that I was expected to love, and worship, and fear without failure, and have unconditional faith in, then I wanted nothing to do with him. He took away someone who had shown me compassion and kindness when no one would or wanted to, so fuck him.
Perhaps it was my cynical personality and my unwillingness to trust my true emotions, any emotions, or perhaps it was my shock to the sudden realization that I would never see my best friend, my loved one again. But once I had walked out of the building, once I had continued on with the life that seemed a little emptier, a little less sunny, I experienced an epiphany. A week after I had said goodnight to my most precious person that made me be unashamed of my personage in his presence, my past and my decisions and my personality, and made me a better person if only for a little while. A week after I had left me behind as he had left me, my epiphany hit me as though it were a tree trunk and I a blinded bird, and it made me swell with my familiar, hollow, pride. I had never cried for him.
And new tears threatened to fall.
A/N: Short, I know, but I wrote this drabble of sorts as a therapeutic way to get out my feelings about losing my former youth pastor (in January 2012), who was like a Spain to my Romano…. Please review, whether to tell me how good, bad, or "eh" this was- I like feedback….
*~_We're All To Blame_~*