Where are you Christmas, why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?
Faith Hill's soft voice filtered through the silence of the townhouse. Grissom sighed again and returned his hand to the top of Hank's weary head and scratched.
Where are you Christmas? Do you remember the one you used to know?
He didn't bother to brush the tears away as they fell from his eyes onto the satin pillow case. He just stroked Hank behind the ears and treasured the feeling of having something warm and alive in his bed again. Did Sara remember Christmas? Did she think about snuggling on the couch watching Jim Carrey's Grinch torment the Whos from Whoville? Did she remember stringing popcorn for the tree and Hank eating most of the bowl while they made love on the rug? Did she hear the carols in her head that he played? Did she know how much he treasured those vinyl 33's that were his mother's. Jonny Mathis, Bing Crosby, and the old crooners would sing Silent Night while they sipped red wine at the table.
Where is the laughter you used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play?
The tears came harder as he remember the last gift she gave him. He remembered the feel of the shiny wrapping paper under his fingertips as she opened the tiny present. Inside, was a little silver heart keychain. On it, she had engraved, "Gil & Sara, 2007". He found himself now often clutching that silver heart in his fingers when he needed to feel secure again.
My world is changing. I'm rearranging. Does that mean Christmas changes too?
Warrick was dead. Nick was self-destructing without a sound. Catherine threw herself into work. Brass drank. Doc and David moved on. Riley could never fill the void. Greg lost his sparkle. What was left for him? Was there anything left? Why should he even bother getting up in the morning? Who really cared anyway? People still murdered and bodies still stared up at him with glassy eyes. He had no tears left. No love left. No heart left. Not even a night with Heather could make him feel again. He was dead too. Dead and cold.
I'm not the same one. See what the time's done. Is that why you have let me go?
There would be no tree this year. No lights, no gifts. No dinner or red wine. No popcorn or cranberries. He continued to stroke Hank's head absentmindedly. The phone rang. He hesitated and then answered, "Grissom."
"Merry Christmas Gil. I'm at the airport."
I feel you Christmas. I know I've found you. You never fade away. The joy of Christmas stays here inside us. Fills each and every heart with love.