"Fuck!"
"Jim, are you-?"
"Shut up! Shut up, I can do this."
"You don't have to-"
"Shut up! Just give me a minute."
"…"
"…"
"Jim, it's alright-"
"Could you just keep quiet for a second? Can you do that? Just one fucking second of silence!"
Sebastian keeps quiet and Jim recognizes the tone of his silence.
"I'm sorry." He says it, but he doesn't know what it means. He's been apologizing a lot recently, ever since they started trying this. He apologizes because he knows that's what you do, that's what people do, when they say or do something considered 'bad'. Jim doesn't know when he does 'bad' things, so he says 'he's sorry' after almost every sentence now, whether or not it's in the correct context.
"It's fine." Sebastian sighs. He bats Jim's hands away from his own cock and starts to pump him in strong, steady strokes.
This is not the first time they've had sex.
Chances are, this is not the 100th time they've had sex.
But this is the first time they've tried without Jim cutting, biting, punching, bruising, slapping, choking, or hurting Sebastian.
Well, that's not true. They've tried this several times in the past week. Jim hasn't been able to stay erect every time and eventually grows bored of the whole thing. He becomes frustrated by his own incompetence and by his lack of interest. This is Sebastian, he's supposed to be interested in him. No, much more then interested. He's supposed to be fascinated, captivated, infatuated with him. That's what he's supposed to be, but he's not.
"Jim, if it's not working then we can just do it the old way."
"No! I can do this. I want to do this."
Because Sebastian has more scarred skin then not and sometimes they have to call in their private medic because Jim went too far but Sebastian won't ever admit that because it's okay, babe I'm fine, no stop yelling at the doctor, I've only been pissing blood for a few days, I've had worse.
I've had worse.
You've hurt me worse.
But of course those are the words Sebastian won't speak because he's 'fine' and it's stupid and it makes Jim angry but it also turns him on and that's just the worst of all of it.
"I'm sorry, I want you to enjoy it." He whines, and Seb has to kiss him because of that.
"Oh James, I do enjoy it. Shit, trust me I love it. I'll take some more scars, it's alright. I like them."
Except no, he doesn't, because Jim had seen it, one morning. Sebastian looking at himself in their wall mirror while he thought the criminal was asleep. He was looking at his scars and Jim could see his face through the reflection of the mirror and he saw it change. Sebastian went from proud, bold and satisfied tiger, to…to something else. He saw the shift in his face and the look of longing in his eyes. Jim could see it. Sebastian was wondering what things would be like if he were with someone different.
Someone who wasn't a monster.
Jim hadn't even realized that any chance of them having sex, even doing it the 'old way', is over now and he's sitting still. Sebastian has his hand on the small of his back as opposed to his cock, which had now fully receded.
"It's okay." He coos, touching his head to Jim's.
"No it's not. I can't get off without hurting you."
"That's fine."
"No it's not!" He's trembling, trembling! Can you believe that? The man who can't feel is trembling because he's becoming emotional. If Jim were in a better state, he would be proud of himself.
"It is fine. You love me and that's fine."
He scoffs at that one. "I can't love you."
"But you do."
And Jim falls back on the bed and covers his face with his hands. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I promise you, it's fine."