Author's Note: So apparently it was World Nutella Day on February 5th. While trying to get over the tragedy of missing this wondrous holiday, I decided to write this story in which Regina has some "me time" with Nutella. I've had this idea forever, but reading CandyApple75's take on the issue reminded me of it. Many thanks to the wonderful White Belt Writer, who pushed me to actually get this story done and beta'd it for me. You should all read both of their stories, because they are both funny and sweet. Please note that this is a crack!fic, and as such, some things will not be entirely accurate (there was no internet in the 80's). Bear with me; it'll be worth it!
Spoilers: None, although it's set post-curse.
Pairings: SwanQueen established, SpoonQueen (oh yeah, it's happening!)
Rating: According to my beta, M, so this is apparently how I break into the SwanQueen smut scene!
Standard Disclaimer: I do not own Once; if I did, this totally would have happened by now.
Please enjoy, and don't forget to review!
Simple Pleasures
Regina Mills did not consider herself the type of woman who was easily soothed by simple pleasures. Her closet held only the finest couture, imported from various highly acclaimed European stylists. Her car was a sleek and elegant Mercedes Benz. Even her house was decorated in only the most tasteful décor this side of Sweden. Everything about her screamed sophistication. In short, Regina Mills knew that she was a high-maintenance woman. But even a high maintenance woman was allowed to have one simple pleasure to turn to in times of trouble. For Regina, that happened to be Nutella.
She could still vividly recall the day she discovered the miraculous spread. After cursing the entirety of Fairytale Land into oblivion and sending its residents to Storybrooke, Maine, she decided that she might as well do the job properly and find out what it was exactly that made this world tick. It was imperative to the success of her curse that they all blend in, after all. In order to accomplish this, Regina turned to the one place where all people of this land go when searching for the answers to their problems: the Internet.
At first, Regina had no idea what she was doing. She just stumbled from page to page, wandering aimlessly through the endless labyrinth comprising the information superhighway. There was no limit to what could be found on the World Wide Web. Apparently, anyone with a keyboard and Internet access was free to post on this Internet. Most of what she found involved pictures of cats with grossly misspelled captions, videos of people doing anything and everything, various social networking sites, and jokes that she could only assume were clever because she didn't get a single one. Also popular were sites where one could act as a voyeur to all manner of pre-taped adult activities, much to Regina's consternation. Is that what the people of this land did all day? Sat at their computers and watched this filth? There wasn't even any sort of ID validation necessary, all you had to do was click that you were 18 or above. Imagine if a child got into this…
Regina shook her head. That wasn't why she'd gone on the Internet. But among the worthless trivia she did manage to find something of use. The one thing that the people of this land could be counted on to agree upon unanimously was that Nutella was the best thing in the entire world.
Nutella? Regina thought, puzzled, as she clicked on a link to a page selling the stuff. As she perused the page, recognition went off in her brain. Oh, Nutella!
She went to the grocery store that very same afternoon to buy it. Turning into the sweets aisle, she could see an entire row of the jars containing the dark brown spread. She took one off the shelf and placed it in her cart. The jar said it contained thirteen ounces. That would last a while, right?
After paying for the Nutella, Regina immediately went home to try her newly acquired food. Time to see what all of the fuss was about.
The white lid opened easily to show a top covered in gold foil. That was promising. Gold usually meant something luxurious, like jewelry. She pulled off the foil carefully, revealing a smooth, shiny brown paste. Cautiously, she stuck her finger into the top, feeling the thick gooey spread cling to it and leaving a small depression in the remaining spread. She put her finger into her mouth and instantly moaned at the sensation.
Nutella was the single most amazing thing she had ever tasted. Sweet ecstasy coursed through her body as her tongue registered the various nuances of flavor present in the spread. There was sweet milky chocolate, then a nutty undertone, the hazelnuts mentioned on the label. When combined, they created the most instantly intoxicating blend that she had ever experienced.
The rest of the afternoon was a blur. Somehow, when she looked down a couple hours later, the jar was empty, scraped clean by her eager fingers, and her face was covered in the chocolate spread.
Regina was addicted. No other word could describe the rate at which she went through jar after jar. The first month alone, she polished off three jars all by herself. After a while, she realized she may have to pace herself a bit with her consumption, lest she risk diabetes, or worse, weight gain. It was then that she decided Nutella would be her simple pleasure, reserved for those stressful days when she just needed a little pick-me-up.
Twenty eight years had passed. A lot had changed in that time; she adopted Henry, watched him grow from a baby to a wonderful young man; saw the arrival of the White Knight, and her fulfillment of her role as savior as she broke Regina's curse. But, her love of Nutella never abated, remaining as constant as the fact that the sun rose in the east.
Today was a particularly tough day. Apparently, the council decided that now was the perfect time to redo the town's books, transferring them over from paper to electronic form, and bringing Storybrooke into the 21st century. Did they even realize how much work that would entail? Or were they simply punishing her?
Regina sighed as she opened her front door and dropped her briefcase by the wall inside. It was a Nutella kind of day. Nobody else was home; Henry was still at school, and Emma was at the sheriff's station, relieving James for a bit. Perfect. No one would ever have to know about this.
She walked over to the supply closet, finding her Nutella nestled in with the cleaning supplies, just as she'd left it. That was the one spot she found that no one would think to look, as both Emma and Henry were adverse to the idea of doing chores. At first, it bothered Regina, but then she found that it was easier just doing it all herself. The chores would get done to her exacting specifications, and she would have a ready-made hiding spot for her Nutella. Everybody wins.
The jar appeared undisturbed. Opening the lid, Regina left the rich, chocolaty smell waft up toward her face before inhaling deeply and immediately relaxing. Honestly, Nutella was better than alcohol for her that way. However, it was only about a quarter full. Yeah, she knew she'd been having a stressful time lately, but was it really that bad? She would have to pick up a new jar for herself, as well as a new community jar, when she went to the store later.
Regina pulled out her special spoon from the drawer, gleaming silver and cool to the touch. She balanced the weight of it in her right hand, grasping the jar with the other, before gouging into the bottom, digging deep and twisting her wrist to get the most out of the nearly emptied jar. She came away with a mess of the creamy concoction on her spoon, pleasantly rounded and glossy. Regina sighed. This would be fun.
As it always did, the Nutella formed a tiny swirl where it jutted out from the spoon. She took this swirl on the very tip of her tongue, letting it wilt a bit before wrapping the entire width of her tongue around it. The sweetness was as good as she'd remembered it to be. Regina closed her eyes, allowing the flavor to melt away fully before taking the entire spoon in her mouth. An audible moan left her mouth at this point, not of her own volition.
Emma was just locking the door as she got home for her lunch break when she heard a moan echoing from the back of the house. Curious, she went to investigate the source of this unusual noise, and she could not have been more surprised at what she found.
By now, Regina had a rhythm going, pushing the spoon easily in and out of her mouth, taking away only the finest layer of Nutella each time. She wanted to prolong this enjoyment, because who knew when was the next time she could indulge herself like that.
Emma watched in shock as Regina caressed the bottom of the spoon with her tongue, dragging it along the entire length to scrape all of the Nutella off. Next, she stuck the spoon promptly back into her mouth, now focusing on the top half as she let her teeth graze through the thin layer of chocolate still covering the spoon lightly.
The blonde's mouth grew bone dry as she felt all the moisture in her body run somewhere decidedly further south. Watching Regina suck Nutella off a spoon was the single hottest thing Emma had ever witnessed. Who knew eating chocolate spread could be so sexy?
It was then that Regina became aware of another presence in the room. Slowly, she opened her eyes and turned around, spoon still tucked firmly between her lips. A shock of blonde was visible by the doorframe as Emma stood glued to the spot. She allowed herself a closer look, and saw that the blonde was flustered, and her pupils were dilated. There was only one other situation in which Emma exhibited such a reaction. Oh, what fun!
Regina slowly slid the spoon out from lips, not parted, with a wet "pop". Emma gaped at her, with her mouth wide open.
"See something you like, dear?" Regina purred, as she stuck out her tongue and began laving the spoon with moisture. Emma felt as if she would faint on the spot.
"Don't you know it's rude to stare? And it is so very unbecoming for a young lady of your stature." She punctuated this last statement with a flick of her tongue entirely up the length of the spoon, still looking her squarely in the eyes.
"I-I-I" Emma stammered out. Poor girl; she was farther gone than Regina had thought. How lovely. This would be even easier than she thought.
"Cat got your tongue? Use your words, dear." Regina admonished, and Emma could only stare, stunned, as Regina whipped out the aforementioned appendage again and wrapped it around the spoon, sucking off every remaining speck of Nutella still left on it until it gleamed as brightly as when she took it out earlier.
That wasn't even fair. How could Regina ask what left Emma speechless when she knew full well that she had a very talented tongue? Emma's breathing grew more ragged and hitched when she saw Regina dipping into the jar to pull out another heaping spoonful of the stuff. She would get to see a repeat performance of this surprisingly steamy show.
Regina maintained full eye contact with Emma as she took the swirl, maneuvering her tongue around it in the most achingly provocative way possible. She knew exactly what effect she was having on the blonde. Well good; that would teach her to burst in on Regina's "me-time" uninvited.
Her lips parted to allow the spoon covered in glistening Nutella to sink in, millimeter by excruciating millimeter. A loud, exaggerated moan escaped her lips as she got into character for this part. If Emma wanted a show, she would get one.
Emma nearly banged her head on the doorframe at that. Regina was moaning, while eating Nutella. Holy shit, this was more arousing than any of their plethora of toys! Why hadn't they thought of bringing food into the bedroom earlier? This was fucking genius!
She didn't have long to celebrate, however, as Regina began performing a series of complicated gymnastics with her tongue around the spoon, getting into every last crevice in order to get all of the Nutella out. Her eyes were tightly shut as she sucked the spoon fully into her mouth, letting it hit the back of her throat, the resultant moan reverberating throughout the room. The spoon slid out of her mouth, and was slammed back in with the same intensity, this time sliding down her throat instead of hitting it. Regina's only reaction to this was to pull it out slowly, and slather what chocolate remained around her lips. Regina didn't have a gag reflex. How had this never come up before? There were so many things they could do now that Emma knew!
Pain registered in Emma's head as she realized that she had been biting her lips raw, gnawing out of pure sexual frustration. She watched as that beautiful pink tongue protruded out of her mouth and rounded her lips, painstakingly collecting every last vestige of Nutella deposited therein. Emma crossed her legs as she stood, trying to gain some friction and relieve some of her tension.
Regina treated the rest of the Nutella left on the spoon to a proper tongue bath, contorting her tongue around it lazily, just as she did before, soaking the metal, just as, Emma groaned, her very own panties were. Well fuck. They'd be going in the trash later.
Finally, Regina finished pleasuring the spoon and set it down on the table, next to the now completely cleaned out jar. She smirked at Emma, clearly enjoying her pain. Sometimes, Regina could be a downright sadist.
The expression on Emma's face was stony, but faltered, to show her true arousal. She was so cute when she tried to be mad at Regina.
"Aww, are you mad, dear?" Regina drawled, the end cut off by a slight laugh. Emma's eyes were pitch-black as she stared at Regina, breathing hard. No, not mad, she decided.
"Are you jealous of the spoon?" She gestured to the abandoned metal object. Emma snorted. Like she didn't already know the answer.
"Uh, yeah! That should be my naked body that you're licking Nutella off of, not some stinking spoon!" Emma whined, sulking. That was a good point. It would probably taste better too…
"Wait, you're actually upset about this? You're pouting." Regina stated, pointing to Emma's downturned lips.
"You couldn't have waited till I got home?" Emma complained.
"No, dear, it was an emergency" Emma's eyebrow went up suggestively.
"Not that kind of emergency!" Regina immediately exclaimed. "Nutella is kind of my comfort food, and I had a rough day."
"Yeah you did!" Emma said salaciously. "And it's only about to get rougher."
"What do you mean?" Regina asked, puzzled.
Emma pulled out a brand new jar of Nutella from her purse. "We were running low, so I picked some up on my way home" she stated simply. "But I can think of much better ways to put this to use". She winked, as Regina caught on to her drift.
The brunette quickly grabbed the full jar of Nutella and her girlfriend's hand as she pulled both into the bedroom. Her simple pleasure just got a lot better.