The Phantom of the Opera - Short Version
By: 1000th Ghost
Old Raoul: I'm old and sad and should be dead. Time for a flashback!
Chandelier: (singing) Dun! Dun dun dun dun dun!
Opera House: I'm the Opera Populair. Woot.
Christine: Oh, look! There's Raoul!
Raoul: Sorry! You're not cool enough for me yet!
Carlotta: I quit! Bring my material possessions! No me gusta el phantom!
André and Firmin: Crap. No more star. We're screwed.
Christine: Never fear! I can sing!
André and Firmin: Hmm...some random dancer...uh...you're in!
Christine: (singing) Think of (coughforeshadowingcough) me...!
Phantom: Ha! First glimpse of me!
Christine: Quick clothes change!
Raoul: Wow! Now Christine is show-off-y and worthy of my affections!
Christine: Father, please send that really hot voice to me.
Meg: Dude! You rock!
Christine and Meg: (singing) Angel of Music, what's your deal?
Raoul: Hey, Christine! Remember me?
Christine: ...
Raoul: Scarf...? Sea...? Fop...?
Christine: Oh, that's right! Wuz up?
Raoul: I've decided to date you!
Christine: Sorry, no can do! I've got an appointment with a disembodied voice.
Raoul: My lack of brain and long, flippy blond hair make me unable to comprehend "no". See you in ten!
Phantom: (singing) That guy's an idiot! I'm not!
Christine: (singing) I realize this! Hey...can I see you yet?
Phantom: (singing) Uh...sure, why not?
Christine: (singing) Dude...you're in a freakin' mirror!
Christine: (singing) Um...I'll ignore the defying-physicis-going-through-mirror-thing because...OH MY GOSH HE TOUCHED MY HAND!
Arms Holding Torches: Blatant The Haunted Mansion Trademarked reference!
Christine: (singing) Nice decorating! Gasp! You're The Phantom of the Opera!
Phantom: (singing) No duh! Let's sing!
Christine: (singing) I am the mask you wear!
Phantom: (singing) That...makes no sense...
Christine: (singing) The Phantom of the Opera Trademarked is there...inside my mind!
Christine: (singing) The most famous scene in the movie!
Phantom: (singing) Sing!
Christine: (singing) LAAA!
Phantom: (singing) Higher!
Christine: (singing) LAAAAAA!
Phantom: (singing) HIGHER!
Christine: (singing) LAAAAAAA!
Phantom: (singing) Um...dude, you can stop now...
Phantom: (singing) Night is cool!
Christine: Me likey...
Phantom: (singing) I know how to hypnotize you!
Christine: What was your first clue?
Christine Bride Figure: Dude! Parallel dimension!
Christine: ...
Phantom: AKA marry me.
Christine: Catch me!
Phantom: Me likey...
Phantom: (singing) Help me make the music of the (breath)
Phantom: (singing) NI...
Phantom: (singing) I...
Phantom: (singing) I...
Phantom: (singing) I...
(five minutes later)
Phantom: (singing) I...GHT!
Monkey Music Box: (singing) Look at me!
Christine: Curse you, infernal monkey! You ruined my beauty sleep!
Christine: And suddenly I don't care because...I WAS KIDNAPPED BY A HOT MASKED STRANGER!
Christine: (singing) So...hot...must...take...off...mask... (takes off mask)
Phantom: (singing) YOU IDIOT!
Phantom: (singing) Um...any chance you'd still love me?
Christine: So sad! Tear tear! Here go! (gives mask back)
Christine: Hey! You're hot again! Woot!
Christine: So, you wanna...
Phantom: Let's take you back.
Christine: Um...not what I had in mind...
Phantom: Let's go!
Old Raoul: Goodbye, my love! What, are you surprised that I'm having an affair with Christine's best friend?
Old Madame Giry: Beware the black and white horror!
André and Firmin: (singing) Crap. No more star. Again. We're screwed. Again.
André: (singing) And to top it all off, some dude wants money for nothing.
Firmin: (singing) We're screwed.
Raoul: (singing) Hey, Christine stood me up! I refuse to accept that she didn't want to see me...so you guys must have kidnapped her!
André and Firmin: (singing) You do realize the lack of sense that made...don't you?
Carlotta: (singing) I'm too pink for this rejection! No me gusta el fop!
Madame Giry: I've got the umpteenth note! What do I win? Oh, and Christine is "back".
Phantom: (singing) Christine rocks. Carlotta doesn't. Do what I say, or you'll all die in a heap.
André and Firmin: (singing) Anyone in the mood for dying in a heap?
Carlotta: (singing) Whaaa! Nobody loves me!
Firmin: (singing) Candy?
André: (singing) Flowers?
Carlotta: (singing) Stop trying to bribe me! Can't you see I'm busy being a spoiled brat?
André and Firmin: (singing) Uh...doggy?
Dog: (woof)
Carlotta: (singing) I'm in!
Firmin: (singing) I bet Christine was with Raoul.
André: (singing) That was really random...but me too!
Phantom: Ha! That's what you think...
Fops: (singing) This countess person's having an affair with a girl pretending to be a mute male cross dresser!
Carlotta and Christine: (singing) And, no, this doesn't make us gay!
Phantom: Tisk tisk. People, don't you ever learn? Eh, whatever.
Carlotta: (singing) Lalalalala... CROAK!
Carlotta: No me CROAK gusta CROAK el croaking CROAK!
Firmin: Heehee. Sorry about that. CHRISTINE, GET OUT HERE!
Phantom: (kills Joseph Buquet) Hey! I'm a serial killer! Who knew?
Christine: (singing) (gasp) The Phantom of the Opera Trademarked!
Raoul: (singing) Dude, he's just a hallucination.
Christine: (singing) In that case, I should hallucinate more often! I mean...oh, no, the horror!
Christine: (singing) It was so awful!
Raoul: (singing) You poor thing!
Christine: (singing) And yet...man, was he HOT!
Raoul: (singing) Make up your mind!
Phantom: Guess what, Christine? I'm here too! Time to make your life even more confusing!
Raoul: (singing) Do A., B., C., D., E., and whatever else pops into my head! That's all I ask of you!
Christine: (singing) Get a haircut! That's all I ask of you!
Raoul: (singing) No! Not my flippy blond hair! Um...but I'll marry you instead.
Christine: (singing) Eh...I suppose that's the next best thing.
Raoul and Christine: (kiss)
Phantom: (sob)
Phantom: (singing) But...b-but...(sniff)...
Phantom: (singing) YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!
Old Raoul: (sees young Raoul and young Christine kissing) It's me again! Dude...my eyesight's going.
André, Firmin, Carlotta, and Piangi: (singing) Let's all impersonate the Phantom!
Raoul: (singing) Guess what, Christine? I changed my hair into Jeannie-style!
Christine: (singing) What did I tell you about speaking to me in public?
Break Dancing Masquerade Dude: (singing) Masquerade! Everybody BREAK DANCE!
Phantom: (singing) I'm BA-ACK!
André and Firmin: (gasp)
Phantom: (singing) Is this the best you've got?
Carlotta and Piangi: Duh...
Phantom: (singing) Well...at least I've got Christine! My glorious opera shall be fulfilled!
Raoul: Not to sound unprotective but...later!
Christine: Uh...hi...
Phantom: (singing) Uh...hi...hey! That's the ring I was gonna get you!
Phantom: (disappears through his trapdoor) (POOF!) (POOF!) Ok...this is looking like The Fairly Oddparents...
Raoul: Raoul's attempt to be heroic Part I!
Raoul: (in the Phantom's trap of mirrors) I can admire my hair from all angles! This is a dream come true!
Madame Giry: Time for a flashback within a flashback!
Raoul: Oh, goody!
Young Phantom's Captor: I shall force you to wear a potato sack on your head!
Young Phantom: Oh, no!
Monkey: Monkey!
Young Madame Giry: Watch my hair miraculously change colors! (gasp) I'm calling that "Torturing Children Hotline" thingy on those commercials!
Young Phantom: (kills his captor) Looky, Mommy! My very first murder! Aren't you proud?
Young Madame Giry: (gasp) I will now ignore the fact that you're a serial killer and save you anyway!
Young Madame Giry: Quick! Into this random building!
Young Phantom: Um...in the book version I build this place...now I'm unceremoniously shoved into it?
Old Raoul: Okay...so we went from a flashback within a flashback to "present" day?
Deer: I'm a galloping deer that you think has some symbolic valuce but in reality has NO POINT!
Christine: What...doesn't everyone visit graveyards in the early morning?
Carriage Driver aka Phantom: Guess who?
Christine: (singing) Whaa! I want my daddy!
Raoul: Raoul's attempt to be heroic Part II!
Phantom: (singing) Would you love me in a crypt? On a ship? In a box? With a fox? Do you like green eggs and ham?
Christine: (singing) I...I...I...oh, to heck with it! I LOVE YOU!
Phantom: (singing) Come to me, Angel of Music!
Christine: (singing) Wait...that's your nickname...eh, whatever!
Raoul: (singing) Time to ruin all the beautiful EC-ness!
Phantom: (sword fighting) Unguard!
Raoul: (sword fighting) Café olé!
Phantom: (sword fighting) It's really sad how easy this is.
Raoul: (sword fighting) Ah! No! Not the hair!
Christine: Awesome! I've got two guys fighting over me!
Phantom: (stabs Raoul)
Raoul: Close your eyes, kids! Violence!
Raoul: Aha! Gotcha!
Phantom: You resorted to tripping me?
Christine: Raoul, you idiot! Don't you dare!
Phantom: Grr...
Raoul: Grr...
Christine: Nobody seems to remember that I just technically made my choice...
Raoul: (singing) My time-confused cowboy coat has enabled me to come up with a plan!
Christine: (singing) But I don't wanna do his opera! He's a murderer! And yet...(sigh)...
Raoul: (singing) Can't you ever say something bad about him without immediately taking it back?
Christine: (singing) I'm a-scared! Whaa!
Raoul: (singing) Don't think that I don't care, it's just...no, wait, it was that first one.
Piangi: (singing) Um...something about a cape, girl, plan, and room...I think.
Phantom: (kills Piangi) Three's a charm!
Phantom: (singing) This is getting really old really fast. Let's just skip to the part where you love me.
Christine: (singing) Why can't I ever make any rational decisions while in your presence?
Phantom and Christine: (singing) Past the point of no return... (insert a bunch of PG-13-ness)
Raoul: Gah! What the heck? Watch my tears flow as I finally realize everything!
Phantom: (singing) Marry me? Pretty please?
Christine: Awe, crap! I'm crying on stage! (sob/smile)
Christine: (snatches mask off)
Phantom: What the heck was that for?
Christine: Sorry. I'm still 1/2 hypnotized. I'll questions must be submitted to my secretary.
Phantom: (cuts rope) Well...here goes nothing...
Christine: Whee!
Chandelier: (crash!) (fire!) (flame!)
Audience Member: My leg!
Phantom: (singing) Journey to the batcave take 2! And...action!
Christine: (singing) I liked the first trip better. There was pretty stuffs. And you weren't dragging me down the freakin' hall!
Hunters: (singing) Kill the best! Kill the bea-...uh...track down this murderer!
Christine: (singing) Here comes the bride! Time for my famous quote: It's not your face, it's you.
Phantom: Yeah, but I only did it for you, so technically it's not me, it's you. Haha, I win!
Raoul: Raoul's attempt to be heroic Part III!
Madame Giry: Guess what? I've decided to ditch you! Now don't forget: keep your HAND at the LEVEL of your EYES! (repeat 10 times)
Raoul: Watch me forget within two seconds! Whoopsie daisy! (falls down trapdoor)
Raoul: (glug glug choke gasp drown)
Raoul: Gah! My foppish strength seems to be failing me! I could just die and make all right in the world, but...
Raoul: (resurfaces) ...that would make too much sense!
Phantom: Hmm...that's funny...I could of sworn I'd killed you already...
Raoul: (singing) Ah! You fiend! Don't hurt her!
Christine: (singing) Uh...Raoul...you do realize he's gonna kill you, right?
Phantom: (singing) Let's review the facts: I love her. What the heck would I kill her for?
Raoul: (singing) Stop asking me questions!
Phantom: (punjabs Raoul)
Christine: (singing) (gasp!)
Phantom: (singing) MWAHAHA! How cool is this?
Raoul: (singing) Um...difficulty breathing...
Christine: (singing) (!)
Phantom: (singing) Here's the deal! The deal is here! Here the deal is! Marry me: fop lives. Don't: fop dies. Comprendes?
Raoul: (singing) How the heck is Christine singing "!" ?
Christine: (singing) Angel of Music...
Phantom: (singing) Past the point of no return...
Raoul: (singing) Why do you people keep singing?
Christine and Phantom: (singing) BECAUSE SINGING IS COOL!
Raoul: (singing) Gees...sorry I asked...
Christine: (singing) Hmm...let's see...eenie, meanie, minie, moe...
Phantom: (singing) Hurry up! I've waited 2 freakin' hours already! I'm getting hungry!
Raoul: (singing incoherently like everyone else)
Christine: (singing to Phantom) Guess what. I choose you. Surprise surprise.
Phantom: ...
Raoul: Still can't breathe!
Christine: (kisses Phantom)
Phantom: ...!
Raoul: ...!
Christine: (gasp!) Startling revelation! MORE! NOW!
Phantom: ...!
Raoul: Um...
Christine: (kisses Phantom)
Phantom: ...!
Raoul: I think everyone forgot about me...
Christine: Well, now all is peachy keen!
Phantom: ...!
Raoul: (sigh) Well, I guess I'll move on to Meg...
Christine: Uh...hello...?
Phantom: ...!
Raoul: Hey, she chose you! Untie me!
Christine: Yo! Answer me!
Phantom: ...!
Raoul: I'm bored...
Christine: Earth to O.G.!
Phantom: ...!
Raoul: (singing) One, two, buckle my shoe...
Phantom: ...WOW! Time for me to totally misinterpret everything!
Raoul: (singing) ...nine, ten, a big, fat- Wait, did you say misinterpret?
Phantom: (sob) Go away, and leave me alone!
Raoul: Well...that was weird...
Christine: But...b-but...(sniff)...
Raoul: Yay! He snapped! Let's go!
Monkey Music Box: (singing) I add to the irony!
Phantom: (singing) Life...crashing...down...
Phantom: (singing) Christine, I love you...
Christine: Then why the heck are you sending me away?
Phantom: Because I'm confused at the moment and want you to be happy and...THIS IS KILLING ME!
Phantom: (sob)
Christine: Looking back at what might have been...
Raoul: (singing) Let's sing and rub it in his face! That's all I ask of you!
Phantom: (singing) Life lost all meaning! Let's smash some mirrors! It's over now, the music of the night (not to mention the movie)!
Meg: (finds mask) (gasp!) The Phantom of the Opera is...not here inside my mind...or the batcave...or anywhere...
Christine's Grave: Mrs. Fop. Beloved wife and mother.
Phantom: Yeah, but they don't mention who the father is, do they? Hahaha! Watch the sequel!
Monkey Music Box: (singing) Masquerade!
Old Raoul: I now understand how much you loved him, so you can have his rotting monkey thing.
Old Raoul: (notices black ribboned rose with ring on grave) Wait a minute...
Black Ribboned Rose with Ring: Neah, neah!
Old Raoul: Oh, come on! You've got to be kidding me!
Candle: And remember...all this took place inside of a postcard!
The End