Exploration piece. Warning for triggers. True life based.
Pain makes her feel better.
It's the truth, and its the reason she feels angry whenever she hears other people going on and on about "reasons" and "triggers" and "motivation", making it all so much more complicated than it is.
Pain helps.
She doesnt want to punish herself, it isnt because she thinks she deserves it. If she really wanted to punish herself (why would she want to punish herself for things she cant control?)then she would just do nothing, she'd just let the waves of blackness wash over her, lapping over her head, until she suffocated with it, because THAT would be real punishment.
No, she isnt punishing herself.
Don't they understand that this is the only thing that works when everything feels so unmanagable that she might as well be drowning?
The focus it gives her- the pain, although it doesnt hurt, at least, not really, at least, she doesnt feel it- keeps her head above water.
She doesnt realize how addictive it can be- no rush, not like MDMA, just a quiet calm over her body that she knows wont last any longer than the MDMA does- until she finds herself thinking about it when everything gets too much.
The blade into her arm...the relief... imagining it doesnt help as much as the cutting itself does, but its better than nothing.
One day, she's sitting in class, english or something, not that shes paying much attention. She feels like shes carrying weights on her back, like theres a hand around her throat and someone pushing pushing pushing her down, like shes drowning in these horrible black feelings...and all she has with her is her school bag, filled with text books and random notes and a couple of biros.
And her purse.
She has keys in her purse.
They're blunt, obviously, but it doesnt matter: under the table, pressing them hard into the soft skin of her arm and dragging them slowly along, leaving raised red tracks behind.
Lucky she's wearing long sleeves today.
Even as shes doing it, she can imagine what people would think if they knew what she was doing: crazy, fuckup, emo, troubled, self harmer, cutter, weirdo, over dramatic, attention seeking (even though they all smoke, they all take drugs that can cause health problems to make themselves feel better: apparently there is some obscure difference in the two behaviours, not that she can see it).
And maybe theyre even right. Maybe- probably- it IS pretty fucked up.
But she doesnt care.
It works for her, and thats all that matters