Going Under
Disclaimer: I don't own anything…..thought you'd know that by now!!
I don't own Evanescence either. I just love their music.
Summary: Its a songfic...Haku thinks over his life as Zabuza's servant...
On with the fic!!
-------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
Now I will tell you what I've done for you,
50 thousand tears I've cried,
I never showed my tears. Never in front of Zabuza. I was his emotionless doll, his puppet. Something to do with as he please.
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you,
And you still won't hear me.
I never thought it'd turn out this way. I never thought I would turn into a killer on his command, but he took me in off the streets, gave me a reason for living. I loved him, but despised him all at the same time.
Don't want your hand this time,
I'll save myself,
Maybe I'll wake up for once.
I tried hard to be the emotionless doll you wanted. I did everything right. I did everything you asked of me, but here I am, crying on your grave, because you didn't understand how much it hurt. You didn't understand the pain I went through for you. All those things, the killing, the training, it hurt me.
I never wanted to kill; I had never touched a knife before in my life. But when you came to me, you wanted me to kill. I wanted to make you happy, so I did.
Not tormented daily,
Defeated by you,
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom,
I'm dying again.
I would try hard in training. When I was young, I couldn't do anything right. You would always yell at me and I'd go to bed with your words hanging over me, tormenting me into the night.
When I got older, I improved. You would praise me and I would be so happy. I never showed it of course, but I would always get so warm inside.
They were never loud praise. You were not my father so there was no reason for you to praise me as such. A simple "Good job Haku," made me feel like I was the best in the world, until my first mission came.
I'm going under,
Drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
You wanted me to kill them. Kill the whole lot of them. I couldn't. I pleaded with you to reconsider. You told me they were bad men, they needed to die, but I was still young and didn't understand.
You sent me in there and I preformed. I killed them all and when I came out with blood and tears staining my face, all I got was a "Good boy Haku."
I knew I had done what you wanted, but it hurt. It hurt so bad to kill those people, to do the thing I promised my mother I would never do. And when we returned home I went to my room and cried. I knew you heard me but you didn't care. You let me drown in my sorrow.
I'm going under.
Then Gatou showed up. He promised you money if we killed a stupid bridge builder. You agreed and I, being your loyal servant followed in suit.
We were given a new home. I still trained hard for you, but knowing you would probably make me kill the innocent bridge builder made my stomach hurt. He was just doing his job, and Gatou didn't like it. Big whoop!
I knew it was wrong, but I went ahead and followed Zabuza. Back then I would have followed him to the ends of the Earth.
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies,
So I don't know what real and what's not,
(Don't know what's real and what's not)
(Don't know what's real and what's not)
When you spoke to me about the mission, you made it sound vital; you made it sound as if your life depended on it. I know now that what you were trying to do. You were trying to make me believe that this was not a useless killing. You wanted me to think of it as the most important thing in the world, so I would perform to my full extent, so you could get the money.
I knew your were lying when you said the bridge builder needed to die. He was innocent and no innocent needs to die. But back then, everything you said, the truth and the lies, all mixed into one. I never could sort them out, so I believed every word you said.
Always confusing the thoughts in my head,
So I can't trust myself anymore.
All those things you said to me that day, I never could sort through.
I knew the bridge builder was innocent, but you said he wasn't. I knew he didn't have to die, but you said he did. I knew Gatou couldn't be trusted, be you told me to bear with it. I was confused, as I always was, but content, sort of. Your word was law, and I went to bed that night thinking nothing was wrong.
I'm dying again.
When we went to face the bridge builder, we were surprised to find Kakashi, The Copy Ninja, with him. Three little Genin were also present.
As you ordered, I stuck to the shadows and watched…
When you had almost defeated Kakashi, the brats intervened. They broke your water prison and gave Kakashi the upper hand.
I silently pleaded with you not to kill them as you fought Kakashi again.
Kakashi then mimicked your jutsu and sent you crashing into a tree. That's when I jumped in.
I'm going under,
Drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through.
I'm going under.
I put you in a death trance and easily fooled Kakashi and the others into thinking I was a tracker ninja. I took you away and treated your wounds and took you back to Gatou's hideout.
So go on and scream,
Scream at me, I'm so far away.
He was furious and so where you, with me. Even though you said to keep to the shadows, you screamed at me. You said I came in too early. If I'd have come in any later, I had, thought; you'd have died. But I din't listen to your sreams. I knew I did what was right.
When you recovered we went to face them again. This time at the bridge.
I faced off with the Uchiha boy, but easily defeated him with my Crystal Ice Mirrors. When the Nine-tailed fox boy stepped in, I was in trouble. He grew angry and broke down my ice mirrors. I told him to kill me, he refused.
I won't be broken again.
That's when I felt it. I knew you were in trouble. I was about to make the hand sign when the Nine-tailed fox boy, Naruto, grabbed me.
"Stop Haku!" he shouted.
I heard you scream and fell to my knees. I cried. I felt Nartuo embrace me and the words he said stung. He told me I was free now and then, I didn't want to believe it.
We buried his body on a cliff. They offered to take me back to Konoha and I refused. As they left me in the care of the bridge builder and his daughter, Naruto's words rang in my head, "Your free now," and my eyes widened. I was free. Free at last.
I have to breathe,
I can't keep going under!
And as I sit here today, on your grave wiping the tears from my eyes, I know I will never face that pain again. I'm a medical ninja now. I can help people and give life, not take it.
I stand up and I know now that you can never make me kill again. I miss you, I always will. I love you, I always will. But that doesn't mean I can't live life on my own now.
I can finally breathe, and nothing you can say will stop me.
---------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
Don't ask what possessed me to write that. I just never liked Zabuza. This is what I thought he was like. Even though Haku loved him, I liked the thought of a rebellious Haku. You know, the kind of Haku who didn't hang on Zabuza's every word.
I tried to keep him like he is but I don't think I succeeded. Haku's not very rebellious but oh well!
I can dream can't I!?