Addicted

A/N: This isn't really set at any particular point, approximately mid season three. It focuses on Kate's love for Jack compared to her addiction to Sawyer. SKJ. Review?

For Kate, it had never been about deciding which man on the island she loved. She knew she loved Jack. It was almost a given, that the pretty heroine would fall in love with the hero. Stereotypical. Most heroines didn't have shady criminal pasts, but what did that really matter? Until rescue boats came over that horizon, she could be whoever she wanted to be.

So how Sawyer fit into the equation, she wasn't sure. He was hot. That was a given. But then, Jack wasn't too bad himself. And as they say, love goes deeper than the skin. It's what's inside that counts. Don't judge a book by its cover.

But she knew that ever since their first conversation, the first time they had touched – a rough, hateful touch, but still it had sent tingles up her spine – something inside her had changed. She had had her first taste of Sawyer, and ever since she had been fighting the feeling that rose up at random times of day to make her long for him. To touch him again.

Kissing him had been part of a deal. Then it had become something nice, an escape from the horrifying situation they were in. Then, Kate had thought to herself, I should stop this... but she hadn't. She wanted to, but her body was acting on its own, without her mind's control.

That feeling had scared her, and Sawyer's later rejection had made things clear once more. Flirt with Jack. Trust him, if you can. Maybe love him.

And things had eased themselves into place. Until the day Sawyer left on the raft, and Kate not only realised she was going to miss him, and worry about him – she realised she'd spent more time with him than with Jack over the past month. How that had happened, she wasn't sure.

So while he was gone, she had tried to make good with Jack. The dynamite-in-my-bag fiasco hadn't helped, but then surely that only proved there was something between them? He was trying to protect her. Sweet of him, though she believed she didn't need it.

Sawyer had come back, and Kate had kissed Jack. Maybe because she wanted to remind herself that it was him she was supposed to love. She couldn't imagine losing Sawyer. It was beyond comprehension. Somehow, his showy charisma, his attitude, his taste, had sunk into her and the thought of cutting off her Sawyer Supply made her feel the way most people would feel towards losing a limb.

Losing Jack wasn't an option, either. But he wasn't like Sawyer. He didn't get into many dangerous situations. It wasn't like she needed to worry about him. Just love him. Just love him.

Even when Sawyer hurt her, even when he rejected her, conned her, used her, she couldn't stay away. She'd approach, full of excuses about wanting to know why, wanting to yell at him and hurt him back, but she couldn't truthfully stay away. And the fact that he knew exactly why she was there, that he knew exactly what his mere existence did to her – that was annoying.

When they had made love in the cages, Kate had been very close to loving Sawyer. She needed him, she wanted him, and she really believed he'd be able to make everything all right. For a while at least. And he had.

Which didn't explain why she kept going back to him. His kisses were like poison. A poison that would nearly kill her, and the only way to stay alive was to inject larger and larger amounts of it into her system.

He was a drug. A sweet, blissful drug. Loving Sawyer wasn't like loving Jack. With Jack there was always protection, always the feeling of rightness. With Sawyer there was always the addiction, that grew steadily worse, each hit only causing her to crave another, bigger one.

Kate remembered how Charlie had fought his drugs. How he had thrown them away to give love a chance. Pity she was too weak to do the same.

He was a drug. He was addiction. And however much she pretended that she didn't want it, the fact remained that she couldn't live without him. Withdrawal would be too painful.