Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Years and Years
by gardeniia
Eighteen years old –
"Is that him?"
"Yeah, I've heard, he's apparently from –"
"…Li Xing-ke –"
Zhou Xianglin jerks in surprise as the name carries through the halls in whispers and covert mutters, buzzing and filling the air around her. She twists around just in time to see him walk through the halls – straight-backed, eyes unwavering at a point straight ahead – and immediately, she links that face to the reputation.
Li Xing-ke. Hailed a genius, a prodigy. Accepted into this prestigious military academy not through the influence of a wealthy family but through sheer talent. 18 years of age. Tall, well-built, with sleek black hair and wine-red eyes on a chiselled face.
She tries convincing herself that she was examining him as a fellow student, as an expected threat or rival. Because she was curious if the rumours were well-founded, or if they were just highly exaggerated drivel.
And that was the only reason.
xxxx
In one fell swoop, he replaces her as the number one in all classes.
He's flawless; excelling in strategy, real-time tactics, diplomacy, political affairs. And, by all appearances, his talents are not limited to that remarkable intelligence. He fells sparring partners easily, gracefully sweeping through men with an uncanny ability with his jian, and when he exits Knightmare simulation tests, the teachers share wide-eyed looks and babble about how this was surely the kind of talent that came once in fifty, no, one hundred years!
Despite this, she finds him eating alone, the sole occupant of a table in a crowded mess hall.
"Zhou Xianglin," he greets, nodding as she approaches. He's much too polite for 'Go away', but the tension is apparent in his voice when he asks, "Do you need something?"
She meets his eyes directly, takes her time explaining herself. "I wanted to see for myself the man who has beaten me so thoroughly in every subject. And not," she adds, a beat later, "Rely on the opinions of others."
There's a contemplative silence, and his eyes – unrelenting, yet ringed with exhaustion – probe hers. Does he see it? How similar they are? She, a woman excelling in an academy that was predominantly male, and he, a man of common birth, besting others of much more respectable standings. The both of them, estranged, cast aside as an object to be either admired, or jealously hated.
After a short silence, he nods simply. So she extends a hand, and after a moment's hesitation, he takes it. The handshake is brief, but speaks a volume of things. Not trust, not yet, but the beginning of something. A budding companionship.
Xing-ke gestures to the empty seat. His voice has lost its edge when he asks if she would care to join him.
xxxx
The two of them are natural comrades – he's a brilliant number one, but she's a steady and dependable number two. It isn't long before they find themselves arguing over strategy and tactics, with lengthy discussions dedicated on famous old battles and which courses of action should have been taken. She can tell he's relieved at finding a fellow companion, and truth be told, she feels the same way.
But every now and again, as their discussions touch on the politics of their country, she can tell when he bites back what he truly wants to say and settles for a safe, innocuous answer. Of course, since they're surrounded by jealous and ambitious classmates looking for any chance to bring down the top students, it's an intelligent thing to do.
So Xianglin takes him to one of her favourite spots – a tiny run-down teahouse, lost and overwhelmed in-between larger, shinier buildings. An inconspicuous little place, shabby but with amazing tea, but most importantly, it's the kind of place where they have zero chance of running into any of their classmates from the academy.
The old man running the counter recognizes her, of course, but his brows snap together at the sight of Xing-ke. However, that befuddled look quickly changes into something much more dangerous; something akin to amusement, complete with a knowing smile and twinkling eyes. "Miss Xianglin, found yourself a nice young man? Please, don't go to your usual table. How about a nice booth next to the window for a sweet young couple?"
"No, it's nothing –" she tries to protest, but in the end, lets herself be ushered to the booth anyway. She sits down, and still blushing, risks a glance in Xing-ke's direction. Fortunately, he doesn't seem offended. Just bemused.
The two of them launch into discussion again, for the first time away from prying eyes and ears. He speaks freely, passionately, about the impoverished, starving citizens. About how the Tianzi was nothing more than the symbol of the Chinese Federation, a figurehead, and how the oppressive High Eunuchs controlled her power from the shadows. About re-establishing the throne with the Empress as the clear authority. About a revolution that would change the course of their country forever.
The kind of talk that would quickly earn you labels along the lines of 'treason' and 'traitor'. The kind of talk that guaranteed a noose with your name on it.
Despite herself, her eyes are wide as she listens. There's something in the way his ideas and ideals flow out, clear and concise, that makes a chill travel down her spine. His intensity is frightening in the way it makes these ridiculous ideals sound plausible.
When he finishes, he leans back in his seat and takes a sip of his jasmine. She cradles her own oolong, staring down at its depths, unsure how to respond.
A part of her wants to tell him that he's set to be one of the greatest men in the Federation if he swallowed those thoughts. If he turned his head from the corruption of the system and played along. That logical part of her that wants to berate him and tell him he's an idiot for going down this path – for ruining that brilliant future he could have and trading it for one where he would most likely end up hanged for his crimes. But instead, when she finds her voice, all that comes out is, "Are you…serious?"
"Yes," he replies steadily. There's no hesitation in his voice.
She leans back in her seat. "Wow, Xing-ke."
When she meets his eyes – so grave and holding burden far beyond his years – she can't help but feel that someday soon, the whole of the Chinese Federation will know that name.
xxxx
Nineteen years old –
The night had been like any other, but after all this time spent together, she could no longer ignore it. Everything Xing-ke said, everything he discussed with her, it kept circling back, always, to the same point.
The Empress.
She reflects on what he's said of his dreams and ideals. And notices, not for the first time, how, at the very centre of them, lays his unwavering, steadfast and uncommonly fierce loyalty to Tianzi.
When she asks him, he tells the story with a faraway look, eyes distant, expression suddenly fond.
The story spills out slowly but easily. How he had tried to sneak in some medicine to a prisoner (how very like him) and how he had been caught. How the mandate of heaven, the young Empress Tianzi herself, was present as they sentenced his capital punishment. How, in that one moment, she had declared his life worthy and spared him. How he had pledged a promise of eternal peace to one day bring her out of the Vermillion Forbidden City, out of her sheltered life, to show her the 'outside world'. How every move he made was calculated to bring him closer to restoring Tianzi to her rightful role as leader of the Chinese Federation.
How he would give anything for her. How he would die for her.
Throughout the night, Xianglin finds herself feeling increasingly troubled, a vice locked on her throat that does not allow her to speak. Xing-ke, usually so perceptive, is too distracted in his reminiscing to notice.
When they part ways, she swears softly when she recognizes the feeling that has been eating away at her the whole night.
It's jealousy.
xxxx
When she first realizes she has feelings for Xing-ke – feelings beyond camaraderie, beyond even close friendship – she's in the middle of sparring with some no-name classmate and in that moment of realization (a slight costly hesitation) her opponent sneaks into her defences and disarms her. He looks so triumphant at his victory over the current Number 2 that he doesn't even notice how she's completely frozen in place.
No. It can't be. Xianglin knows she has to be married in some convenient marriage beneficial to her family. To some high-ranking official probably much too old for her. That's what she's always expected. That's all she knows.
Isn't that why, up until now, she hasn't let herself be interested in anyone?
But, she thinks, biting her lip. Xing-ke isn't just anyone.
xxxx
Twenty years old –
They have a day off school and they spend it in their usual booth. Tonight, Xianglin's content to take a backseat and just listen. And as she does, she wonders when she stopped thinking of Xing-ke's plans as foolish, or suicidal, and that she's already started to think them inevitable. And, furthermore, she realizes, in her mind, she's already started to treat them as their plans, as if she'll always be there, as if she'll always be helping him, Xing-ke leading their nation and she, as always, by his right hand.
Then, she realizes, the thought of that exact future is what makes her happiest.
"I'll help you," she announces suddenly, interrupting. His expression is only confused for a second before it clicks and a look of utter shock slides in to replace it. It nearly makes her smile. "Whatever you're planning in order to achieve your foolish ideals. I'll help you with them. No matter what they are."
He immediately launches into a speech about how just because he was dedicating his life to this, didn't mean she had to, that there were too many risks, that he only meant to share his thoughts with someone and not -
"Xing-ke," she interrupts firmly. "I'm sure."
"Even if you're risking ruining your family?" The mention of them makes her resolve waver ever so slightly. Her respectable family, known for producing a long line of excellent officers, disappointed when they did not get the son they so desperately wanted. The family she had thirsted to prove herself to. The family she had so desperately wanted the approval of. The same family who would disown her if they knew she was planning to turn against their Federation.
"Even if," he says, "At the end of it all, you might just find yourself slated for public execution?"
That, above all, clears her doubt. She shakes her head. "You've talked strategy and tactics with me for a year, Xing-ke. What do you know about me?"
Xing-ke seems to ponder it for a moment and says slowly, "You don't take such large risks unless you're certain there's a high probability that events will turn to your favour."
"Does that answer your question?" she says, the corners of her mouth lilting in a smile. "I don't believe you'll fail, Xing-ke. In fact, I'm certain you won't."
She leans back and takes a sip of her tea before it gets cold. "You'll change this country. And I want to be there when you do."
There's a long pause where Xing-ke keeps his eyes firmly down. She taps a fingernail on her cup, wonders if maybe she was a bit too hasty.
But eventually, finally, he looks up, and Xianglin thinks that smile might be the most wonderful thing she's ever seen.
xxxx
There are a million reasons why it won't work. Why they won't work. But the most important reason, and the most obvious one -
"Xianglin?" Xing-ke asks, forehead creased. "Are you alright?"
She startles out of her reverie. "Yes, fine." He smiles and carries on saying something else, but she doesn't really pay attention. Instead, she focuses on small details - the light in his eyes, how the faded sunlight from the one broken window cast light over the contours of his face…
Then she realizes how pathetically she's sighing over him and clears her throat, trying her best to banish the blush threatening to rise up her face. She turns back to Xing-ke, tries to pay more attention to what he's saying. She only just manages to catch one word. Tianzi.
Something tips and she can't hold it in any longer.
"Xing-ke –" she starts, then finds her voice catches in her throat. She swallows hard and tries again. Nothing comes out. Words fail her.
So she summons every ounce of courage she's ever thought to possess, leans in, and touches her lips, very gently, to his.
He doesn't react. Sits, unmoving, tense at the contact, and when she pulls away, his face speaks volumes. Guilt and helplessness and regret all mixed in one. Without meaning to, she can feel that expression burn into her memory.
Xianglin rises slowly in her seat. "I'm… very sorry," she says, barely audible, eyes hooded.
Xing-ke starts forward, reaches out and grasps her wrist like he wants to say something, but she shakes him off and, in that instant, knows she can't, can't look at his face right now –
So she runs. Throws a few bills on the table before making for the door. She can hear both the old shop owner and Xing-ke shouting after her, but she doesn't slow down, pumps as much energy in her legs as she can manage. It feels like he's right at her heels, but when she finally stops running, there's no one behind. She wanders aimlessly in the city until the sun has long since gone down and suffers the scolding when she gets caught sneaking back to school way past any reasonable hour.
The next day, using her family's connections, she graduates early and requests a post far from Beijing. She contemplates perhaps staying an extra day to apologize or to say her goodbyes. Maybe leave behind a note.
Then she thinks of what she did, and packs her bags with a little more fervour.
xxxx
Twenty-one years old–
For the next year, for the sake of her sanity, she tries her best to forget Li Xing-ke. It's already a daunting task, and unfortunately, the world itself seems intent on working against her best efforts. Her superiors catch news of the promising man in Beijing, and naturally, rumours circulate. It isn't long before they find out she used to go to military academy with him, and naturally, not one day goes by that someone doesn't ask her about Xing-ke. Xianglin answers the questions plainly, avoiding details, and acting just like any other student who had seen him. Eventually, the questions stop coming.
Xianglin works herself to the bone, and quickly gains a reputation for her composure, her stone-face and the strict standards she holds for her men. She's promoted quickly, and would have been considered extraordinary if it weren't for a man across the Federation whose rise through the ranks makes hers look mundane in comparison.
Life goes on, even without certain geniuses.
But of course, she should have known it wouldn't last.
xxxx
Twenty-two years old–
The day she's been dreading finally arrives. There's no way she could stay here forever, an overlooked star not fulfilling her potential in the countryside. It's two weeks after she turns twenty-two that her father comes up to her, eyes shining. "They finally recognized your talent. You've been offered a position."
She nods, rapt with attention. Her father's far too eager for this to be any normal promotion.
"A position as Commander Li Xing-ke's military aide. You're to oversee his chain of command if the Commander himself is on the front lines. Beijing, Xianglin!" Her father lets out a rare smile, pride in his daughter apparent, and she would have been elated at this rare show of emotion from her father if she hadn't been so completely and utterly conflicted.
Xianglin desperately searches for a way she can respectfully decline this opportunity. And unsurprisingly, there is none.
A week later, she's on a plane back to Beijing, where her new position awaits. Her new position… and her new Commander. The plane ride back is severely uncomfortable; her mind has taken to replaying the last moments they spent together in her head and she spends the next few hours in a constant state of dread.
At last, she climbs down from the plane and he's there, flanked by a few soldiers, hair longer, planes of his face sharper, any trace of 'boy' that lingered on his 20 year-old face gone.
"Xianglin," he says, extending a hand and smiling. "It's been a long time. I'm glad to see you again."
Immediately, her resolve to be polite but distant, to treat him like any of her other superiors, weakens at that smile and that extended hand. How could anyone mistake them for being anything other than 100% genuine?
"Lord Xing-ke," she finally greets, and she's sure that an iceberg is warmer than her voice. She doesn't have to look closely to see that the decorum and the title have caught him off guard. To his credit, he hides it quickly.
Xianglin doesn't know how many times she's imagined this reunion throughout the past two years: Congratulations on your promotion and How have you been, really? and Have you visited the teahouse lately? But all that comes out is, "Your reputation becomes you. I look forward to working together to make a better future for our country." The empty formalities leave an unpleasant taste in her mouth. But she forces them out, wills her expression into the stern, grave thing she had gained a reputation for.
She makes herself look him in the eyes, and what he sees in hers causes his expression to fall, just a fraction. It's gone the next second. "Of course," he says, equally cool and impersonal.
They shake hands. Brief, but it's enough to send an almost overwhelming wave of nostalgia through her. She lets go quickly and gives another stiff bow. The rest of her orientation, she doesn't speak unless spoken to, barely even meets his eyes unless she has to.
Xianglin tells herself it'll be easier this way.
xxxx
She does a fairly good job, for her first few months working directly under Xing-ke. She's stone-faced, cold, never once bringing up their past. She doesn't even say his name – referring to him only as 'Commander' or 'sir' and trying to ignore the disappointed look in his eye when she did.
Xing-ke's struggling.
It's easier to see now, now that she's beside him at all times and not just hearing stories of his exploits from miles away. He's young, almost too young to be in such a high position, and the officers under his command, men of more favoured families, don't bother hiding their disdain.
But even under that pressure, to the rest of the army, to the other officials, Xing-ke takes it all in stride, eyes forward and posture as straight as the first day she met him.
More than anything, she wishes she didn't notices the little things that betray him. Wishes she could convince herself he's as invincible as everyone else thinks.
One day she catches him, alone at his desk, head in his hands and looking exhausted. Xianglin hurriedly steps out of the room with a quick, "My apologies, Commander."
There's the sound of something slamming on the desk.
"Enough, Xianglin." There's complete steel in his voice, and she honestly can't remember him using this tone on anyone he wasn't planning on gutting with his jian.
To be blunt, she's completely stunned. "Sir?" she asks, back to the wall right outside his door.
"That's enough."
She remains silent. She knows exactly what he means, and the shame makes her chest clench tight. She forces herself to step back into the room.
Xing-ke sighs, looks up. It takes him a long time to speak. "I requested you specifically because I needed you. And not just because of your brilliance in strategy, or tactics…
"I wanted you here because I wanted an ally. Someone I could trust. I wanted my friend, Xianglin. The same person I knew two years ago. The same person I trusted. The same person I want to trust now." There's a real plea in his eyes (a huge, overwhelming burden and he shoulders it himself, all by himself -) before he turns away, brisk and business-like again. "No. Please, forget I said anything. I'm sorry for keeping you."
The room is silent and Xianglin stands in the doorway, eyes everywhere but on him. Mind working furiously, processing what he has just confessed. How could she have been so blind? To see to what degree she has pushed him away just to protect her own weak self. How she had been completely absorbed in her own misery and how she had completely and utterly failed to notice how the strain in their relationship has affected him.
Finally, she finds her voice. "I'm… very sorry," she says, meeting his eyes now. At those words, something indiscernible flickers across his face.
She bows and excuses herself before he can say another word.
xxxx
In the morning, Xianglin takes the first opportunity she can, requests to discuss something alone with Xing-ke. He agrees, and the wariness in his eyes, like he's dealing with a stranger, pricks her heart.
When she walks in, he gives her one stiff nod and finally enough is enough and -
"I returned to Beijing to be your aide," she says slowly, no longer in that cold, formal tone. "But I haven't aided you at all, and I'm sorry. I... don't have an excuse for how I've been acting. But I'm here now. I'm really here. And I'm sorry," she says again, "that it took me this long."
After a brief, surprised silence, Xing-ke smiles. That one action transforms his exhausted face completely. "Not at all. It's good to have you back."
xxxx
So as she finally gets around to acting herself around him, their partnership on and off the field becomes unmatched. The leader-subordinate bond she sensed they could have back in school turns out to be an exact prediction. The two of them are a fierce duo, the Commander Li Xing-ke and his primary tactical officer Zhou Xianglin.
She doesn't know if it's because she's known him for so long (or because she's in lov-) but when a flaw in their strategy appears and he's forced to improvise, she can read his moves, knows what he needs her to do, is there to back him up every time. The news of their teamwork is the talk of the city.
And it's not the only thing about them that is.
The way they act towards each other. The ease with which she acted towards Xing-ke again, after months of being cold, does not go unnoticed by their troops. It shouldn't have been that surprising.
But when she first gets wind of the rumours that she and Xing-ke are sleeping together, she might have sent the gossiping soldiers a fierce enough glare to send them running for the next province, but after, it takes her much longer than she cares to admit for her to regain her composure.
xxxx
One day, when they're alone in his office, he asks, voice low, "What you told me all those years ago… Do those feelings still hold? Are you still willing to help me with my plans?"
She doesn't hesitate long. "I am." So he slips her a note with instructions to get into a special underground room and tells her to meet him there later.
When she opens the door and finds soldiers and officers alike, all wearing grave and determined faces, she realizes Xing-ke hasn't spent these last two years idling. The plans that he first whispered to her in that old, dilapidated shop, those same plans that spoke of treason against the current system of her country, have gained more momentum than she could have ever imagined.
She can tell that she is an outsider because almost immediately after she enters the room a young man rushes up to Xing-ke, indignant and outraged.
"Commander! Why is she here?"
Xing-ke remains silent, and the young soldier takes this as permission to continue. "I know of her family. Favourites among the Eunuch Generals. How do you know she isn't a spy? How do you know she isn't preparing to sell us to the High Eunuchs now?"
The entire room goes deathly silent with the knowledge that he has gone too far. Xing-ke's previously impassive face switches with a frightening speed and he glares at the outspoken soldier with a look that quells him instantly. "I trust Xianglin with my life."
There are no more complaints after that.
She stays behind with him in the room even after all the other members have left. "I apologize for your less-than-warm welcome," he finally says, turning to her with tired eyes. He smiles briefly and they both start to make their way for the door. "Thank you for coming, Xianglin. I know what risks you're taking by joining us."
She has a brief vision of a 19 year-old agreeing to help, pledging to join a cause, and then that same girl, because of her own cowardice, running away from something that could change their country forever. "No, Commander," she replies, "It's the least I can do."
xxxx
Twenty-three years old –
They hear news. A man named Zero in Area 11, a mysterious masked individual who wins his battles with overwhelming strategy. Xingke takes an interest in this growing revolution, perhaps finding it interesting to watch the development of a situation similar to theirs. Monitors the rapidly-growing Order of the Black Knights. As he reads over the reports, Xianglin hovering by his shoulder, he murmurs, "Zero. He might be one of the most strategically brilliant men I've ever seen." Slowly, a reluctant smile forms on his lips as he turns to her. "He's a very interesting man."
A little under a year later, Zero's rebellion, the 'Black Rebellion', fails. Britannia has yet again crushed the seedling called hope and corruption has won over 'justice'.
Maybe it's because they are trying to accomplish the same thing, but when Xing-ke hears the news that the masked man has been executed for his crimes, he is subdued for days.
xxxx
There's a minor conflict with India, with the enemies bringing out some new Knightmares that weren't in the intelligence report. But because it's the two of them, they handle it with as minimal losses as they can manage. The battle ends up in their victory, but at the end of it, Xianglin raises a shaking hand to a brow that's soaked in sweat.
Xing-ke comes in a moment later, looking a lot worse for wear. She has the sudden urge to run to his side and support him. But she doesn't.
At least, not until he starts coughing.
It's a hacking cough, deep and raw. Xing-ke doubles over immediately and doesn't stop, his whole body heaving with it. Panic courses through her body and she's by his side immediately, desperate to help but her limbs are made of lead and refuse to move, and all she can do is watch, helpless. By the end of his fit, more than a few drops of blood are staining the wood floor.
She doesn't know what compels her to completely disregard Xing-ke's orders to leave him alone (he's the Commander and her direct superior and what would her family think-) but she does anyway and takes him to a doctor. One tucked away in a discreet part of the city. One who could be bribed easily into not letting anything slip.
No, it's not something that can be fixed with a few visits.
No, he won't feel the effects of it immediately.
They could stabilize the symptoms with treatment, but –
A few years, perhaps –
Yes, terminal.
A/N: The next part should be coming soon. This is my first attempt at a Code Geass fanfiction, and of course, because I'm kind of a nutter, I had to write it in the viewpoint of a minor character that no one remembers. But, anyway. Thanks so much for reading. I appreciate each and every one of you!