trigger warning: non/con elements and general distress. Please read with care.
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I'm walking home, it's dark out, but I don't care. Today had been a particularly good day. Uncle had finally praised my work, and he had actually smiled at me. I'm so excited to get home to tell Fili about this new turn of events. He will be so proud! As I walk I look up at the stars, I can't believe how happy I am, I feel as if my very soul is fl-.
"Hey Kee, I think we're getting close."
Fili's voice jolts me out of my memories and I look around;
We are in the Shire, far away from my home and everything I know. The sun has just set, and the twilight casts dark shadows across the hills and hobbit holes. Everything is miniature, even for us dwarves. I smile a little as we pass a mini-mailbox, I tough it lightly with my hands. It is so small, and perfect. Unblemished. Not like me. I wince softly as a dark memory flashes up.
Something suddenly knocks me to the ground. I struggle, fighting panic, but whomever or whatever it is grabs my hair and drags me into a dark intensity of the blow makes me feel dizzy, and disoriented. I feel strong arms pinning me down, and grabbing hastily at my clothes. It smells like ale and dirt, and I want to scream but I can't. I can't utter a single sound, my voice is frozen…...
It will never leave me. I startle slightly when Fili catches up to me, his footsteps rough on the gravel.
"What was the number again?" He asks, I shrug and stare at my feet. Fili reaches up and touches the dark leather of my coat. "You've been quiet" he comments, and I shrug. Earlier today had been almost normal for us, the sunlight and the smell of summer in the air had reminded me of a simpler time, and had allowed me to laugh and joke with my brother like we used to. But now the sun is gone, and I can feel the Panic humming in my chest, threatening to take over. I have to say something though, I have to pretend like the darkness doesn't bother me. For Fili's sake. I know he knows that I am here only for him. That he convinced me to come, even though a huge part of me wanted to stay home.
"I'm fine." I murmur, and then continue walking down the pathway. I instantly regret my cold response, and pause. Waiting for my brother to catch up. He is giving me that look, the one he always gives me when he is remembering that night, a look of pity. I sigh and pull myself together and put on my mask.
"Gandalf told us to look for a Mr. Boggins." I answer
Fili smiles, "Bilbo Baggins. Yes. Oh! I think that's it! See the sign?" I look over to were he's point and see the shimmering blue symbol on a dark green, round door.
I laugh a little, "Yes! We found it!"
Mr. Baggins is less than pleased to see us, but Fili turns on his charm and he reluctantly lets us it. I look around the small hole and smile, it's quite homey, and smells good. Like earth, and spices.
"Nice place, did you do it yourself?" I ask politely as I drop my swords down on the mantle.
Our little host looks like he's about to faint, but he answers, "It's been in my family for ages….can you please-" but I don't hear the rest of his sentence, my focus is brought to the two dwarves that I havn't seen in ages; Balin and Dwalin. The panic flutters in my chest. Do they know? Did Fili tell them? Dwalin reaches out to me, a smile on his face.
"Kili!" He says, in his intimidating growl and I feel my back stiffen. No, no no I can't have an attack now. Just smile and pretend, but I can't hold back the memories that come crashing down. What's wrong with me? Why won't they sto-
…I can see myself, on the ground, that disgusting thing on top of me. I see the tears stop falling from my eyes, I see myself freeze in terror as the monster finishes with me….
"Mr. Dwalin!" I force my voice to work say back, and let him pull me into a stiff embrace. He must have noticed, because he immediately lets me go and points to the table that Balin is trying to push together. I focus all my attention on getting the tables perfectly alined together, so we all can fit.
I laugh, pass out food, smile and eat but it's like I'm watching someone else control me. None of it's genuine and I know Fili knows it. I cant ignore the looks he keeps giving me. I have to keep this act up though, for the sake of Fili. And Thorin. They cant know I'm this weak.
Thorin arrives, and I barely listen as he and Gandalf explain this quest. I act my part though, it's easy. Being Kili. It's not until after dinner, when we all have settled down that I allowed myself to remove the mask, and stop struggling against the Panic that has been threatening to take over since Dwalin touched me.
I find a secluded spot, a window nook that looks over the garden, and sit, wrapping my arms around my legs to surpress the shaking. I dont know if I can keep this act up, and its only been the first day. I close my eyes and watch helplessly as the memories loom up in my mind's eye. The panic, the shame, the sound of his breathing in my ear. I shutter and gasp and bite my lip, trying to keep quiet but the memories wash over me and all I can do is watch….
...I'm lying there on the ground, the stars are blocked by the dark shadows flashing before my eyes. "Get up. Get up. Get up," my mind keeps telling me, and I try. The pain is almost unbearable. My head spins and my limbs have turned to stone; the pain in my lower back makes it all worse…..
"Are you alright?"
The voice startles me so much I jump up and hit my head on the low ceiling.
"Sorry! I am so sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." the voice continues. I open my eyes and see Mr. Boggins, in his dress gown, holding a lamp and staring at me.
I rub my head and fold myself back down in the nook. I nod quickly, avoiding his eye. "I'm fine."
His brow furrows, just like Fili's does when he's worried or concerned.
"Are you sure?"
I nod again, and try to stop my hands from shaking.
"Kili, right?" he asks, and I nod. Stay here, stay in the present, don't think about it. Focus. Focus on Bilbo.
"Are you comfortable there? I don't know much about dwarves but Im sure you would prefer something...err softer?" he asks, I just shrug.
"I'm alright here"
Bilbo nods, and he touches my shoulder gently. "I may not seem like it, but I am your dutiful host. If you need anything, please let me know."
I nod and try to force my body to freeze and pray that Bilbo doesn't feel my shoulder shaking.
"Thank you." I whisper and before I can help it another wave comes;
…"Kili?" a voice asks. I look up from the ground, feeling like a pathetic animal. Then, my brother is kneeling down next to me on the muddy ground, he grabs my hands and I flinch. His touch feels like his and I feel the panic take over. I struggle to pull my wrists away from my brother. He lets go and I scamble backwards away from him. Stop stop stop stop stop, please stop….
"Kili?" I startle as a voice brings me back. I open my eyes and see my brother's looming face staring at me, and behind him the hobbit. He must have gotten him. Traitor, I said I was fine!
"Im fine." I mutter before Fili could even say anything. Fili stares at me, the same expression he had before, the one he always has when I know he is remembering that night. I look away from those piercing blue eyes and stare out onto the garden. Everything is still bathed in moonlight, the morning glories curled up and asleep peacefully in their vines. I sigh and try to control my emotions. Don't let him in, don't let him see. Be strong. Don't, no, no no no no no.
"Kili. I wish you would talk to me." Fili says gently, and I feel his fingers brush softly against my hair. I wish I could too, but I can't. I sigh and turn my head away from his hand, and then I get up and start walking away from him. Fili doesn't know anything, anything except that I am a coward, a weakling who had to be carried home and put to bed like a wee barrin.
When he touches my arm lightly, I feel myself flinch away. Please don't touch me, please please don't. I silently ask him. He pulls his arm away, now confused. I can't let him think anything is wrong, so when he scoops down to pick me up I go limp and try as hard as I can to suppress the panic building in my chest by biting my lip. Before I know it we are in our house, in the washroom. I shudder and curl into a ball as Fili places me down in the our bathing room, and starts to fill the washbasin. I clutch my knees and try to keep my hands from trembling. I can hear him talking softly to me, taking slow calculated steps so he won't startle me. He knows something is wrong, how could he not?
"Kili, can you look at me?" he asks, and something in his voice unfreezes me just enough. I raise my head and stare at him through my bangs.
" Hey Kee." he says, using the voice he used to use when we were little and I was scared of thunderstorms.
"It's going to be alright. You are going to be fine." his hands come up and I feel myself flinch again. He pauses and lets them hover over my knees, not quite touching.
"The bath is ready. Come, you will feel better. I promise." he urges me softly. I freeze.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asks. My body shakes my head before I have a chance to think. Fili takes his hand away and scoots backwards on the floor.
"Alright, it's okay Kee." he says again, and then reaches over and gently grabs the sleeve of my shirt, careful not to touch my skin. I close my eyes and allow Fili to undress me. I hear his breath hitch and I suppose he is now looking at the bruises and the blood and the scratches that cover my body. I curl into myself, trying to once again suppress the rising panic and control my breathing. I hear Fili stand up, and feel him move away from me. I open my eyes and see that he has turned away from me, giving me the privacy I need to stand up and sink into the warm water…..
"Wait. Kili please wait." Fili says again, grabbing at my arm. I pull away and breathe deeply and try to control the shaking in my chest. This is too hard, I can't be like this around him. He can't see me like this. He can't.
I finally turn to him. "Please, Fili. Go back to sleep. I'm fine." I whisper in a small voice that has nothing to do with being conscience about the others sleeping. Fili stares at me, and I see a glint of Durin in his eyes.
"No. No, I wont do that. Please, tell me what's wrong. What happened to you, Kili?"
I just shake me head. "Nothing. I'm just the same old me." and then I turn and start to walk towards the living room, towards the door. I need to get out of here. Now.
Fili shakes his head in disbelief, "Why do you always shut me out?" Fili asks, his voice rising as his footsteps following me down the hallway. I watch him for a few moments, my beautiful brother. He works so hard, and now I'm stressing him out even more.
"What are you hiding?!" his voice cuts through my thoughts, loud and clear it echoes in the rounded hallway.
I freeze in the hallway as I try to fight the panic forming in my chest. I can't tell him. He can't know. Nobody can ever know what happened to me.
"Why do you care?" I shoot back, not caring that my voice is rising up into the night.
"Care? Kili, I am your brother. This has gone on far too long, I need-"
"NO. No you don't. It's none of your business! Could you please just drop it." I half shout, half whisper.
"No. I can't do that. I'm just trying to understand-"
"Don't." I say hastily, then turn around and barrel into something hard as stone. I slowly look up through my bangs and see my Uncle Thorin glaring down at me. Even in the semi darkness of the hallway I see the angry gleam in his eye.
"It is two o'clock in the morning. We have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow. What in Durin's name is going on here?" Thorin whispers angrily.
I stare at him and fear over takes me. He's way too close. I back away slowly, studdering over my words.
"N-nothing. I just need some air." I whisper.
And then I run.
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Please read and review! This is part 1 of 3.